Gracey

I have a husband that is an alcoholic, after finding out he was having an affair, which he blames the alcohol.....for the affair and me not meeting his emtional needs........well after nine years of listening to the same crap from him I didnt want to listen anymore..........I can tell by looking at him how many beers he has had........the more he has had the more he would talk.....I wouldnt talk to him anymore so he went to someone who was 8 months pregnant with her husbands baby to have an affair with....someone he worked with.........who would listen to him........they claim they didnt have sex.......he said that isnt what he wanted he just want the attention and the conversation.........of course she is going to attentively listen to him and think everything he says is awsome.....he is a funny guy and he is very good looking and he is a charmer........but she has no idea what I see.........I am so sad right now, i dont know what to do..........I have joined an infedility support group and now this group........I love him very much, but I really dont think I can handle this anymore.......After I found out about the affair he agreed to do anything I wanted to make our marriage work and offered to quit drinking beer.........he was doing very good for two weeks and we were enjoying each other again, he was going to church with me saying he wants to change his life........When we went shopping on Saturday, he bought a twelve pack of non-alcoholic beer........I argued with him telling him he wasnt getting out of the habit, he was restarting the habit by buying this beer....we argued for three hours that night as he was doing everything he could to tell me that i am wrong, well i won the first night, but he started with me again the second night and I couldnt handle it anymore............I feel like this is going backwards, I feel it is going to start out with this and then it will turn into the real stuff again...........all my neighbors drink and he went next door lastnight to hang out with him and how am I suppose to know for sure that he didnt drink the real stuff when I was sleeping.......he claim today and promises me that he did not have the real thing lastnight, he says he only had the non-alcoholic beer.........well lastnight was his third night in a row drinking it and he has one left and i am scared he is going to buy more......when I mentioned that to him on his break today, he said and what if i do..............I feel like he is going to resent me no matter what i do or I say....he is going to get tired of me nagging at him not to drink.......I am so unhappy..........I have never love anyone as much as I love him and I dont know where I am suppose to go...................he got so irritated with me on his break, he told me I dont know why I am even wasting my time calling you. it was a waste of his time and my time...and then he hung up on me......and then he called me back at my lunch time and wanted to know what was wrong with me..........I told him and he didnt like to hear it.......it was over and over the same sh**&^ and he didnt want to hear it.......my life is a mess right now and I dont know how to fix it.......

Gracey

he is leaving messages on my work phone that I am a Fu*&%# B*#ch right now...he has told me I am not worth it, He asks me why I dont believe him and why am I questioning where he was lastnight and If he drank.......is he that ignorant, that he cant understand how I am feeling..........

Lorelai

breec3 -
I know how you feel. Please stick around and read some of the power posts. This place has brought me a lot of comfort and has helped me to get my life in order. It takes some time but there are so many wonderful people here to help and support you.

I know that my husband has to blame me for things and make me the bad guy because he can't deal with the reality of what he is doing. If he admitted he was wrong, he would feel like he should do something about it and he doesn't think he can.
Welcome & keep posting - it will help.
L

Gabe

Hey Bree,
Of course he's going to blame you for his problems. That way, he doesn't have to do anything about them.
None of this is your fault. Not the drinking, and not the affair.
I'm glad you joined us. There are a lot of people here who understand what your going through.
Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.
Peace,
Gabe

kodfishy

(((((((hugs)))))))

Poor thing. You're having such a hard day.
Are you going to Al-anon meetings? It's good to get that intensive support and help learning to detach from his problems.
My husband had an affair too. When I found out about it he told me that it was because I wasn't a good enough wife (the affair started when our daughter was three weeks old, so I suppose I probably wasn't a good enough wife right then, but I was kind of busy...and I still had stitches in my butt LOL).
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you won't cure it.

Gracey

How can I help him get through this.......I just dont feel like I am very strong right now and I cant handle much more.......part of me wants to move but I am scared...he is also resenting me, he is thinking I am trying to be his mother or something and I am trying to tell him what to do..........I only want to help him, but I feel guilty if he has to move out of our house and have to go back to his mothers........I dont want him to loose everything........Why cant I make him happy....If I dont ever say anything to him then I am miserable inside and can hardly stand it anymore..........

smf30

Awww, sweetie....I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I can relate - my AH just started drinking again "socially" (yeah, right) and also had an affair. Double whammy. Gee, and they wonder WHY we don't trust them?

First, you need to realize that YOU cannot help him. We are powerless over them and their addiction. Of course you want to help him, but he has to WANT to help himself. Trust me, this is the hardest thing to try to realize and grasp your mind around. There are days I still don't "get it" (like on Monday when I was having a reeeeealllly bad day), it takes a while to sink in. It's hard because we love them and want the best for them and want to FIX it all for them so they can enjoy this wonderful life. It usually takes them losing everything and hitting rock bottom before they realize they need to change. My AH also started with the non-alcoholic stuff and you are so right, it lead straight back to the "leaded" beer eventually.


Being married to an A, I always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Maybe that's not the best way, but it's the way that I know. As yourself what YOU want for yourself. You said in your post that you do not want him to lose everything (understandable), but think about YOU also. We all make choices. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot STOP my AH from drinking, taking a pill, doing a line or sleeping with someone else. I've just layed out boundaries and he knows I am done if he crosses them. You have to ask yourself what you are and are not willing to deal with/live with.

I am sending more STRENGTH your way. On Monday I had the same kind of day you are having now, and thanks to all the great people on this forum I am soooo much more at peace with myself today (3 days later). Check out my thread "they just don't get it as usual" and you will understand why. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!! It's much easier to focus on yourself once we stop obsessing about them. ((((((((BIG GIANT BEAR HUGS)))))))))

Lorelai

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I felt everything that you said in your last post. Truly, the only thing you can do to help him is to help yourself. Do something nice just for you today. Keep reading and thinking about what you read. Have you read Codependent No More? It was a real eye-opener for me. I spent so much time obsessing about him and how to change him and how to get through to him. Feeling guilty all the time that I wasn't able to fix the problem or be good enough for him. You are good enough and you don't have to feel guilty. Once you really, really believe that, he just might believe it too.
Hang in there. You've found a great place to start.
L

amarie

I've been with my AH for 12 yrs--married for 9 and I too wanted to help him stop drinking. I did everything in my power-counseling, rehabs and nothing worked. I felt like such a failure because I couldn't fix the problem. It wasn't until I found this forum that I learned that I didn't cause it and I couldn't fix it. Now I am working on fixing me. It's not easy but at least I know I did all I could and now it's up to him. It's his problem, not mine and I won't let it get in my way. I don't like seeing what he is doing to himself, but again, I can't control it. The only thing I can control is me. I don't have that guilt anymore because I didn't do anything wrong.