How do you get past the resentment?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I stopped being angry at an ex of mine who did some really terrible things to me once I dealt with my end of things. Once I examined and changed the things about myself that made it so that I allowed it to happen rather than leaving the situation, I was no longer angry or resentful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I was angry living with my ah because of the constant lying, controlling, manipulation and abuse that went along with his drinking. Things that seemed small felt big because they set off the larger resentments I had going underneath it all.
The joy in my life comes from reclaiming myself and rebuilding my life. Then I don't feel so disturbed by the anger. The anger isn't going to go away, because xah is still being a pr**k. But I just had a great weekend with friends, children, sports, community.
Pursue your passions, do what you love, make your life be filled with people you enjoy.
The joy in my life comes from reclaiming myself and rebuilding my life. Then I don't feel so disturbed by the anger. The anger isn't going to go away, because xah is still being a pr**k. But I just had a great weekend with friends, children, sports, community.
Pursue your passions, do what you love, make your life be filled with people you enjoy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
I was (and still am, sometimes) freaking furious with my exabf.
Some of it was anger at myself for dealing with him (and others like him)for so long. When I realized the pattern of my own behaviour I was *horrified*. Sick. I felt physically ill. Tied up in my anger with him was my anger at myself and my fear of why I pick addicts to partner up with, being a single parent, being alone, taking care of myself and our child when dammit HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, SOBER AND SUPPORTIVE!!! WHY IS HE NOT DOING WHAT I THINK HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING!!!! Whe i deal with him, now, I say...oh, yeah. He's an alcoholic. Why am I expecting sober person behaviour from him??? Silly me! Yes, he's lying to me again. No i'm not going to give him money. No he can't drunkenly drive our child around. No, he cannot come over to visit our child while he is drunk. And no, he can't disrespect me. Period. And then, I try to make the time do things that make me happy. I still get angry, and that's ok and I'm trying to sort myself out.
Some of it was anger at myself for dealing with him (and others like him)for so long. When I realized the pattern of my own behaviour I was *horrified*. Sick. I felt physically ill. Tied up in my anger with him was my anger at myself and my fear of why I pick addicts to partner up with, being a single parent, being alone, taking care of myself and our child when dammit HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, SOBER AND SUPPORTIVE!!! WHY IS HE NOT DOING WHAT I THINK HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING!!!! Whe i deal with him, now, I say...oh, yeah. He's an alcoholic. Why am I expecting sober person behaviour from him??? Silly me! Yes, he's lying to me again. No i'm not going to give him money. No he can't drunkenly drive our child around. No, he cannot come over to visit our child while he is drunk. And no, he can't disrespect me. Period. And then, I try to make the time do things that make me happy. I still get angry, and that's ok and I'm trying to sort myself out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 2
Complicity of some Victims
There is a beautiful saying in Al-Anon that I never want to forget.
"The horns on their head fit the HOLES in ours"
Part of the 12 steps for me was looking at my reason to get involved with the people that have abused me or whatever. I can easily forget that I was attracted to them for some very unhealthy reasons and Part of getting well is taking FULL responsibility for that. I always felt more comfortable with MAD people, whether they were addicts or not, but most of them were. This is not always as obvious as might seem. I had a girlfriend for 10 years who went to a 12 step fellowship, before I realized she was in the wrong one and could not hope to get well, because she had never identified the true nature of her problem. Neither had I of course.
Writing things down is good, especially under the guidance of a sponsor who has done the steps themselves (rather than pretend they have). It's even better to check my inventory with another human being, someone I trust enough to tell me things about myself I don't really want to hear. [B]" You are[/B] only as sick as your secrets". Sharing one of my first inventories I found out that my appraisal was quite innacurate in many ways, as I was secretly trying to impress my trusted friend. He called me on that, thank God. Franciscan brother Richard Rohr goes so far as to say the whole history of "civilization" is the story of who scapegoated who, both as individuals and societies. That's hard to see when the benefits from our abuse of other people feel so natural and right.
May a loving ever present God have Mercy on Us All.
"The horns on their head fit the HOLES in ours"
Part of the 12 steps for me was looking at my reason to get involved with the people that have abused me or whatever. I can easily forget that I was attracted to them for some very unhealthy reasons and Part of getting well is taking FULL responsibility for that. I always felt more comfortable with MAD people, whether they were addicts or not, but most of them were. This is not always as obvious as might seem. I had a girlfriend for 10 years who went to a 12 step fellowship, before I realized she was in the wrong one and could not hope to get well, because she had never identified the true nature of her problem. Neither had I of course.
Writing things down is good, especially under the guidance of a sponsor who has done the steps themselves (rather than pretend they have). It's even better to check my inventory with another human being, someone I trust enough to tell me things about myself I don't really want to hear. [B]" You are[/B] only as sick as your secrets". Sharing one of my first inventories I found out that my appraisal was quite innacurate in many ways, as I was secretly trying to impress my trusted friend. He called me on that, thank God. Franciscan brother Richard Rohr goes so far as to say the whole history of "civilization" is the story of who scapegoated who, both as individuals and societies. That's hard to see when the benefits from our abuse of other people feel so natural and right.
May a loving ever present God have Mercy on Us All.
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