How do you "detach" ??
 

Ok so I have posted once before about how I am not sure if my husband is an alcoholic or not but whatever, doesn't matter. He came home from work drunk tonight, like he has so many times before. It's been a while since this has happened and I am just SO sick to my stomach. (grew up with a very alcoholic dad so I just get all these bad and sick feelings when I see my husband drunk).
My hands are shaky and I feel nauseous. How am I supposed to "detach" and not be so affected by this? I want to leave but I can't right now, so I just have to stay and figure it out.

I really really hate this feeling. I feel like crying, puking, and then going to kick his a**. He knows it makes me feel like this too.
:c021::c004:

Wildhorses, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Have you ever talked to your husband about how his drinking has affected you? You're having a physical reaction to your anxiety and stress...he needs know his drunkedness affects you this way, and it's just not a healthy way to live. I hope you can get that through to him, and he cares enough about you to get some help.
I'm the alcoholic, and this is my second attempt at sobriety. It took a lot of mistakes and regretful actions before I finally decided to quit for good. It's only been a week since my last drink so I'm no expert in sobriety, but I hope he logs onto SR and reads all the posts on here. It's been a real eye opener.

Well, one of my boundaries with my stepson has always been that I will not spend time around him if he is drunk or high. I can only imagine that's a tough one if you are living with someone.

I'm sorry for the anxiety this causes you. Once I realized that no amount of my anxiety, anger, fear, pleading, etc. was going to change the outcome with my stepson, it was freeing to just let all that go. What? I can't control this? Really? Hated it so much!!!! At first...then I realized just how absolutely freeing it is to know, really know, that I was not responsible for anyone else's behavior.

When he comes home from work drunk, can you leave him some leftovers to heat up if he so chooses and go to the library for the evening? Perhaps there is a good movie playing at the local cinema you would like to see? Shoot, he's a big boy, he can figure out his own dinner, really.

I hope today is a better day!

detaching
 

I was unable to detach from my AXBF while I was living with him unfortunately so I understand how you feel. I ended up leaving finally and getting my own apartment, and it was VERY difficult. Now it's been 2 1/2 months since I left and only now have I been able to let go of the anger. I still have extreme sadness from time to time, and I miss him. He is trying now to get sober, and he got his silver chip a week ago. I am proud of him making it this far because previous attempts did not stick.

How to detach while in same living quarters? I wish I knew. Thats why I'm here. I hope you can find peace here like I expect I will. :)

Take care!

So sorry you are going through this. It is difficult to detach while living with an alcoholic - in my case it was impossible, because when he was drunk, he would not leave me alone. He was either following me around trying to pick an argument, or I would lie in bed listening to him crash around downstairs and dread when he would decide to come upstairs. The only relief I got was when it became quiet and I realized he had passed out in his chair, and in the mornings when he was sleeping it off.

It's no way to live. We separated 2 years ago after 20 years of marriage and by that time it was a huge relief. I wish I hadn't waited so long.

The feelings that you are experiencing are completely natural, most people in your situation would feel the same. Many people on this forum regularly feel or have felt these feelings.

Detaching is one of the main survival strategies in these situations. It is not easy and it takes time an persistence to achieve it but it can save your sanity. You can start by physically detaching and the more you practice the emotional detachment will follow.

I don't know how your husband behaves when he is drunk but would guess that, like most drunks, he likes attention and an audience. You could tell him that if he comes home drunk you don't want to be around him, and remove yourself to another room or even to another place entirely when he is drinking. Don't engage with him and definitely don't argue with a drunk, it is pointless and frustrating.

Some people completely change the event from a negative to a positive. On the nights that their drinker is drinking they plan a treat for themselves, for example they go out with friends or go to the cinema or just do something for them that they would not normally do.

I recommend removing yourself and your child physically from the home when he comes home drunk after work.

I know when I had that sick feeling from a drunk in the home, I was a hot mess. Too much of a mess to handle a drunk and kids.

Since your child is young, can you leave and go to a shopping mall or a big box store that stays open late?

Some tools that helped me learn to cope with my life with an alcoholic (until I was ready to leave) were Alanon meetings, SR, and reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More".

Let the change start with You!

I do not recommend 'discussing' the drunken behavior, how it makes you feel, or your plans with him anymore. You have spoken to him and he continues to minimize your concerns. Trying to reason with an active alcoholic is like trying to buy fresh bread at a hardware store.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I also highly recommend attending al-anon meetings and reading their literature. It saved my life when I lived with my ex-husband and still saves my sanity to this day. They talk about detaching with love, and I learned how to be non-reactive in those situations and stay calm. It took me years but I did it.

your story sounds like my life now. Hate been followed when trying to detach:c029:

I remember those days, and it makes me sad to hear that you're in that place. The nausea, stress, anxiety...ugh.

Here's how I detached. I made arrangements with a trusted friend. She gave me a key to her house, so if I needed to leave I could stay there for the night. So if he was drunk in the house, there were times I just packed an overnight bag and left. I didn't allow him to push my buttons (he liked to pick a fight so he could find an excuse to drink). When he made accusations I didn't respond. I didn't ask him any questions about where he'd been, when he'd be back etc. I didn't look for bottles, if I saw one I didn't pour it out. I would make dinner, if he ate he ate. If he didn't he didn't. I made plans with friends after work, didn't announce it, I would just get home when I got home. I would get out and go for a hike or a bike ride. Most importantly, I went to a LOT of AlAnon meetings. I cried through most of them initially, but I always left there feeling a little better.

I read your previous posts. Don't mark the calendar anymore when he drinks. He knows he's drinking, the calendar doesn't do anything but keep it in your face. If the cops call to come pick him up...don't. He's their problem, that's what they're paid to deal with. Don't make threats. If you set a boundary, be prepared to keep it. So if you tell him you don't accept his drinking and you'll leave if he does it again, be prepared to leave. Otherwise, he learns that you can be manipulated. All of this is hard at first, but it really does help you learn to focus on your needs.

I know you didn't make it in to that first AlAnon meeting.....have you made it through those doors yet? That is the single best thing you can do for yourself. You will walk into a room of strangers....who are all friends.

I hope you find peace. (((hugs)))

I take a good look, assess the situation, come to a conclusion, and then make my decision what I am going to do with the next several hours.
I used to get all torn up, frantic, emotional, and take it personally.
Now I see it for what it is. A drunk person.
Not reading anything more into it than that, not feeling I have to react in anyway except to decide what I am going to do with my time, has completely freed me.
It doesn't have to be about more than what it is.

I have the same situation, a husband that drinks after work. And yes, he is an Alcoholic. After a year or two of watching him drink at the bars, then to come home and continue to drink at home, in front of me and my 2 elementary aged kids at the time, I finally told him he was not welcome to drink here in front of our kids. He had no reason to be home if all he wanted to do was drink. He could stay at the bar for that purpose. So, he chose the bar and still does, but at least it's not in my face or my kids. We are all in bed when he staggers home. It's not the most ideal situation, but it was a boundary I needed to set. It's ironic- I used to try to keep him from leaving to go back out (because he knew going out was a threat to me) and drink in the beginning, now I just open the door, and say, see ya. I honestly, think he's sad he lost that control over me. None of us want to be with him when he's like that anyway. Boundaries are very important when dealing with an alcoholic spouse, and help with the detaching process.

I can also attest, it is so hard to detach when living with an alcoholic. My AH would follow me around, and I would just have to keep moving about the house. That can only work for so long, and it doesn't work so well when there's a child in the house.
I'll second what Pelican said here. Find some creative ways to get out of the house. Now that it's springtime and it's staying light later in the day, parks are a nice option. I don't know where you are in TX, but there may be museums (natural history, art, children's museums, etc.) that have free admission or family nights that you can attend.

My heart goes out to you - sending you strength, hope, and hugs. :hug:

I wish al-Anon or something would provide a place to go (like overnight) when the A gets drunk and you want to leave the house. I'm not talking about a safe house. I'm talking about a place to get away from the A that is just being annoying as crap.

That's actually a pretty cool idea. I don't know if any Al-Anon "clubs" exist, the way there are "AA clubhouses." Technically, AA "clubs" aren't affiliated with AA, but rather are started by individual small groups of people who rent meeting space to AA groups that meet there. Typically they have round-the-clock (almost) meetings, and TV, card room, pool tables, etc., and anyone who wants to can sort of hang out there for sober company. But wouldn't it be nice if there were such a place for Al-Anons? Just to hang out when staying home is too painful?

Yeah, and a room with a punching bag hanging from the ceiling...

Thank you all. I really do need to get to a meeting, but haven't yet. He was apologizing all day today saying how bad he feels but at the same time excusing his behavior with tons of different reasons. He didn't take his medicine that day, he didn't eat, he took a pain pill for his back, and that's why the 2 beers (yeah right) made him seem drunk. He came home tonight, sober, and he just wont leave me alone. He is so mad that I won't talk to him and saying that I'm the problem because I won't talk to him to work it out. I just don't want to talk to him.

I would love to leave and go do something when he comes home but my 7 year old is asleep by that time and I would hate to wake him up and take him out and risk him even seeing his dad like that also.

Well I think the solution might be to just get to some meetings and start planning my escape LOL. I'm going to have to start looking for a job.

This is so familiar to me, because that is what my dad would always do (and STILL does) he will follow my mom around and I would stay in my room until the banging and crashing sounds stopped, then I knew it was safe to come out. My mom is still married and living with him to this day. Over 30 years now, maybe close to 40 years. I can't believe it. So yeah I still have to deal with THAT mess, plus my own mess at my own home (not quite as bad but still nothing I want to be around).

Why can't you leave right now?

Personally I would be busy making a plan to leave ASAP.

You were not created to suffer this way.

I know I don't know your circumstances but I sure hope you find resources to be able to leave this situation.

I agree with the comments above about interacting with a drunk person, it's futile. I at least, was unable to dettach from XABF while living with him, he was horrible at some moments, then all tears and apologies the next day. It's a vicious circle.

The last time I saw him was in 2008. Recently I heard he is still drinking and is worse than before. I would have lost 4 years waiting and suffering for nothing. How much more valuable time of your life are you going to give this man? life can be very, very different. You deserve peace & tranquility.

:thanks That made me smile. LOL

The AlAnon house is a great idea. My ex (alcoholic) stayed at the AA clubhouse, they had rooms for rent in the house attached to the club.
Of course, it lasted about two weeks, then he broke the most basic rule.
Do not get drunk.

As far as detaching goes, I can tell you it took me a long time to get it.* I grew up thinking I could control other people and thinking my will power kept the world on its axis. It is tough to get that the only thing I control is me.
Not even my children! :gaah

I like to read, and the one I am reading now is "The Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie.
Step One We are Powerless.....to me this means we have no control over people, places or things. So, by default, we already are detached, we just need to get our addictive minds to catch up.
I am still working on this one.

*I mean just understanding what it means. I am still working on the execution.