Having a hard time with EXAG in jail
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I feel for you and have done all of those things you mentioned you would like to do but know better! I never helped my XABF by doing those things, I never helped myself! He never learned and still hasn't learned! Someone else is busy fixing everything now again!! Looking back.....you take away a real chance they might have to recover by not allowing them to feel/deal with the results of their drinking and behavior! It may not work but if it doesn't then nor would helping help! In the end it's likely you'd end up hurting worse. Horrible and painful...so sorry! Stay strong and on the right path for all concerned.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
May I suggest you take this time while she is securely locked up, and go and do something besides dwell on things that you truly have no control over.
Pack a bag, board a train, a plane, get in your car and just go. A change of scenery has always lifted my spirits even in sad times. An overnight or weekend getaway can comfort our troubled mind, and offer us a new perspective. Explore this beautiful world in which we live. I am afraid you have forgotten how to live. Do anything, just to give yourself a break, from the madness.
If you want to stay close to home, make a commitment to yourself that every night after work, for one week, u will force yourself out of your home, and go do something you have never done before, or always wanted to.
Sometimes we just need to stimulate our minds, sometimes we need to give them a rest from our troubles, Find that something, Crazed. What makes you tick?
If you feel so compelled to save this woman, take that energy, and go volunteer somewhere. You want to make a difference in someone's life, make it a worthy difference. There are so many worthy charities, and service organizations that need help. Check with your local library, they usually have many local resources.
We can have this talk until the cows come home, but the bottom line, YOU are responsible for YOUR own well being. With or without this woman, you remain the sole provider of your personal joy. Only you can restore peace to your troubled life.
Focus my friend, just focus!
Pack a bag, board a train, a plane, get in your car and just go. A change of scenery has always lifted my spirits even in sad times. An overnight or weekend getaway can comfort our troubled mind, and offer us a new perspective. Explore this beautiful world in which we live. I am afraid you have forgotten how to live. Do anything, just to give yourself a break, from the madness.
If you want to stay close to home, make a commitment to yourself that every night after work, for one week, u will force yourself out of your home, and go do something you have never done before, or always wanted to.
Sometimes we just need to stimulate our minds, sometimes we need to give them a rest from our troubles, Find that something, Crazed. What makes you tick?
If you feel so compelled to save this woman, take that energy, and go volunteer somewhere. You want to make a difference in someone's life, make it a worthy difference. There are so many worthy charities, and service organizations that need help. Check with your local library, they usually have many local resources.
We can have this talk until the cows come home, but the bottom line, YOU are responsible for YOUR own well being. With or without this woman, you remain the sole provider of your personal joy. Only you can restore peace to your troubled life.
Focus my friend, just focus!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
What has she tried aside from AA?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Most jails offer some form of rehab programs anyway...why is her attorney trying to have her moved to a treatment facility? Who's paying for that?
She would be paying for it (still has insurance as well until end of month). She is financially responsible, has money, and not behind on her bills as was mentioned in prior post.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Choublak, In my experience, most jails DO NOT have rehab programs.
That would be lovely, if it were true.
I live in one of the wealthiest counties in the U.S. and we have nothing like rehab.
You must live in a great place.
sincerely, dandylion
That would be lovely, if it were true.
I live in one of the wealthiest counties in the U.S. and we have nothing like rehab.
You must live in a great place.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Crazed 
Bi-weekly therapy (for years) with personal addiction counselor, two 30-day residential programs, 90 day halfway house, IOP in Feb (until she was dismissed for relapse). Multiple adjustments of anti- depressants from psychiatrist, AA 3-5 nights per week, additional sponsor time and step work.
But, based on what I have quoted above - do you think that you can really save her from anything after all these other attempts? She obviously doesn't want to be saved, rescued, whatever.
Obviously her 'rock bottom' is still not in sight, and you will (possibly in the literal sense) 'die trying' to help her.
Please, for your sake and her dignity to be an adult and make decisions - let her go. Tell the relatives/friends, etc., "I'm sorry, I have no answers for you, I have to take care of myself now." And let it go.
Be there for her kids if you need to - but they can't discuss their mother with you, you can go get ice cream or see a movie. But you, NOW, need to recover from all of this.
I hope you can.
Peace,
C-OH Dad
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear crazed, sometimes---often times---we have to do what is necessary to do even though we still feel "love" and even though we feel as if our hearts are breaking.
It is not like the pain goes all away, and, then, we do the hard thing. In my experience, they both occur simultaneously.
It is over ti me, that the pain fades and reaches its rightful place in our memory.
Just thought you ought to know.....
dandylion
It is not like the pain goes all away, and, then, we do the hard thing. In my experience, they both occur simultaneously.
It is over ti me, that the pain fades and reaches its rightful place in our memory.
Just thought you ought to know.....
dandylion
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
" I have been praying too, for months. It hasn't been working. "
I believe it HAS worked and her charade is now over. Now let's pray she gets real and honest with herself and begins her true road to recovery.
Lots of love and hugs sent to you, Crazed.
I believe it HAS worked and her charade is now over. Now let's pray she gets real and honest with herself and begins her true road to recovery.
Lots of love and hugs sent to you, Crazed.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
The antidepressants aren't going to work with alcohol. Looks like she has gone through the motions on several options. Unfortunately, as you have witnessed first hand, nothing will make a difference until she decides she is done.
There isn't anything you can do that will make a difference.
There isn't anything you can do that will make a difference.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by Crazed
My fatalistic mind wonders how it can not. If I lost my family, my career, my transportation, the support and love of the ones around me- I would have nothing. I would lose my will to live. I would want to die. I believe this is how she thinks (By her own admission, she drinks to mask all of her pain, and the drinking causes more pain, which needs more masking, i.e. the vicious cycle).
If I were in her shoes and got out of jail, I would probably want to mask and drink myself to death now more than ever before. If she couldn't do it with all of the positive things in her life, how can she do it with nothing in her life?
If I were in her shoes and got out of jail, I would probably want to mask and drink myself to death now more than ever before. If she couldn't do it with all of the positive things in her life, how can she do it with nothing in her life?
Give her a little credit. Not everyone loses their will to live from losing things due to addiction. It's part of the disease, it progresses.
Once people in my life refused to enable me anymore or pick up the pieces of my destruction, I had to do things for myself. That was the best love and support I ever received.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Anti Depression meds and alcohol are a dangerous combination. I watched my late ex wife go from functioning to losing her job, kids, marriage, friends and most all family support in less than one years time. Most of that actually happened within six months from starting the ADs. There's a very good reason they put the warnings about mixing with alcohol on the bottles.
I've been where you are now Crazed and I can assure you there is peace for you on the other side. But you have to let go of the outcome, you are not powerful enough to make a change. You can still love her from a safe distance, for your own self preservation.
I've been where you are now Crazed and I can assure you there is peace for you on the other side. But you have to let go of the outcome, you are not powerful enough to make a change. You can still love her from a safe distance, for your own self preservation.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Crazed, she will find peace someday. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing when or how that is going to be. And we are all praying it is in life she finds that peace.
Your serenity however, does not need to be dependent on her peace or lack thereof. You can work toward serenity now. I honestly believe if you could just shift the focus off of her and onto yourself, you'd find some immediate relief from the horrible pain you are in. Please take care of yourself.
Your serenity however, does not need to be dependent on her peace or lack thereof. You can work toward serenity now. I honestly believe if you could just shift the focus off of her and onto yourself, you'd find some immediate relief from the horrible pain you are in. Please take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear Choublak, In my experience, most jails DO NOT have rehab programs.
That would be lovely, if it were true.
I live in one of the wealthiest counties in the U.S. and we have nothing like rehab.
You must live in a great place.
sincerely, dandylion
That would be lovely, if it were true.
I live in one of the wealthiest counties in the U.S. and we have nothing like rehab.
You must live in a great place.
sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Thank you all. I can only imagine how much more difficult this would be if we were married and had our own children. Or if the alcoholic/addict was a biological child. My heart goes out to you all in that situation. I guess I have it a bit easier, but the pain is still very real.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear Choublak, In my experience, most jails DO NOT have rehab programs
sincerely, dandylion
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Crazed - I just want to offer you some support and the knowledge that there is hope.
We don't know what is to come. We can make ourselves sick with worry and thinking about different horrible scenarios, but it does not help anyone and only causes us more pain and harm.
I feel for her and for you as well. What helped me during the hardest times was coming here and reading the stories other people posted. Offering them support and strength. People do survive this horrible dis-ease. They do get better. And by dis-ease I mean both those horrible feelings that cause your loved one to drink and the horrible feelings that cause you to say you would take a bullet.
Please just keep reading and posting. Sometimes I had to focus not even on "one day at a time" but "one hour at a time" or even "15 minutes at a time."
If you are praying for specific outcomes, it won't work. Pray for strength, peace, serenity, understanding and for acceptance for whatever is meant to be.
Peace and Prayers,
Hanna
We don't know what is to come. We can make ourselves sick with worry and thinking about different horrible scenarios, but it does not help anyone and only causes us more pain and harm.
I feel for her and for you as well. What helped me during the hardest times was coming here and reading the stories other people posted. Offering them support and strength. People do survive this horrible dis-ease. They do get better. And by dis-ease I mean both those horrible feelings that cause your loved one to drink and the horrible feelings that cause you to say you would take a bullet.
Please just keep reading and posting. Sometimes I had to focus not even on "one day at a time" but "one hour at a time" or even "15 minutes at a time."
If you are praying for specific outcomes, it won't work. Pray for strength, peace, serenity, understanding and for acceptance for whatever is meant to be.
Peace and Prayers,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Crazed, you're one of the good guys. Nothing wrong with compassion and empathy or feeling for your friend and her family...just make sure it is not at the expense of your health.
The others are right, anyone who cushions her fall at this point would be enabling. For her children's sake and hers I hope this really is her bottom and she pulls through.
The others are right, anyone who cushions her fall at this point would be enabling. For her children's sake and hers I hope this really is her bottom and she pulls through.
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