ThethreeCs

So, it has been three months since I saw my AXBF after a 6 year relationship, and a messy one year break up. He lives and works moments from me, so it is a miracle that we have only crossed paths once. He has called me (once a month) but I give the same message, no contact unless he has sobriety under his belt for 6 months. He is a grown man that can make his own decisions. And these messages work, with no more enabling and sympathy, he knows my boundaries are firm, and he has stopped making contact.

So, last week I went on kijiji to look for a TV. Turns out he was selling his for a third of the price, recognized the picture and the TV. This a prized posession for him, so after 7 years I know it is a big deal that he is selling it. I know he is getting into hot water, first it was pawn shops, money marts, maxed credit cards, massive debt, now it is selling off possessions we acquired while together, first the car and now his second most valuable possession. I forgot about it, and moved on. Why can I do right?

So three weeks later and it's like a switch has flipped, I think about him a lot, feel anxious for no reason, dream about him every night, feel he is in big trouble, am really scared he is going to show up or call or SOMETHING. I always get these feelings when things are going down, we were BEYOND emeshed for 6 years, so it's probably going to happen - although I pray everyday it ENDS soon.

I do not want a relationship with this man. He is spiralling slowly to bottom, and I can't get involved. I hate the feelings I have, and knowing in my heart it's because something big is happening. I know it, and it sucks. Cause there ain't nothin' I can do.

So, I do all the right things. Gratitude journals, good friends, family, exercise, art, pottery, therapy, self help books, healing my wounded child and dealing with my own personal shame. I am not his higher power, and I can't get involved. I just walk around for days with my stomach in a knot, and my mind going a mile a minute. I know at the bottom of my heart, something big is happening in his life. I guess the hard part is not knowing what it is, and knowing that any help or support from me is not going to do anything. Plus, contact will set me back in my journey. God, loving an addict is BRUTAL.

I am not reaching out to him but reaching out to all of you guys, I would just love some support from people that know how this feels.

Thanks all!

SparkleKitty

We're here for you you 3C's -- good for you for coming here instead of reaching out.

You already know it's 'progress, not perfection'. Your recovery is strong and you will move past this.

April7th

I wish I could offer you some stellar advice, but I know there are no words. I know exactly what you mean about that switch flipping, and all of a sudden you feel drawn right back. I have the same switch. I know I can do better without, but the familiar is what I want. Well, not the familiar drama, but the person. I think you are a strong, smart person, you can't save him, or be responsible for him. I think it's so sad that these people have a partner so willing to do for them, while we stand alone. I wish someone would stand by me with an ounce of the determination and compassion I have given my husband. I could use that strength right now.

Many best wishes to you....stay strong.

LoveMeNow

I, too, get the gut wrenching, nervousness, hand sweating anxiety when something is going down. Although at one time, I had really lost the ability to trust my own instincts, I have learned to embrace them as a gift.

The only thing I have found that really works for me is to give "it" over to God and repeat the serenity prayer over and over....as many times as it takes until my anxiety quits down. It really does work when I remember to do it. The good thing about it is, I am usually not in a state of shock when I learn the upsetting news because I am already somewhat prepared.

jmartin

Wow, does this resonate with me. I am not (at least not yet) split from my AW, but even from here, I know these feelings very well. When I try to face the reality of what will happen if she cannot recover and I end up disengaging, I wonder how she will make her way in the world, whether she can recover on her own, and it is heartbreaking to consider.

These are very strong feelings after bonding with another person over many years, and I believe, completely appropriate. I guess I take it as a sign that I can be compassionate for another human being, in spite of what I have been through with her disease. And you know what? That is a good thing! As long as you maintain your distance, see those feelings for what they are - a sign your ability to care for someone remains intact!

If the cliche about rock-bottom causing an A to finally seek recovery, perhaps it is better to see these signs of decline as positive, at least in the grand scheme; passages the A must go through to get closer to his recovery. In this case, I have no doubt he knows what resources are available, he knows how to get help if he is ready, there is nothing for you to do, really. Stay strong, hang in there - it is perfectly okay to care for him from afar.

pattyG

3C,
You are doing the right thing. Trust your gut feelings. Like others have said, you can love from afar. Watching someone we love reach bottom is hard, yet we know that the only hope for recovery for them is to reach bottom. It has been said, our addiction is to the A. Maybe seeing something about him triggered your subconscious cravings. I dont know about you but the first weeks away from my xagf WAS withdrawal. Gut wrenching, crying, going to die from this pain. I have been working towards recovery since like my life depends on it....because it does. You have done all the right things. Be good to yourself. I heard a saying once...feelings are just feelings....they will pass. In other words, we don't need to act on them. We need to acknowledge them, work through them, but not see them as a divine sign that we need to reach out to our A and set ourselves back.

iamthird

I know exactly how you feel. Everything you said is justified. Be proud of yourself that you are doing all the right things and have the discernment to make healthy choices.

I have been separated from AH for 11 months and it still is as painful as Day 1. However, as painful as it is, I am grateful that me and my children are not living with an active alcoholic.

Doing the right thing is not always the easiest...so be kind to yourself. Know you will have ups and downs. Use this forum. We are here to support you and build you up when youre not strong enough to do it for yourself. We most certainly understand and you are never alone!