sunnshinegirl

I've learned so much from these threads already. I'm learning to detach and to realize the role I've played in AH's problems as an enabler. I'm ready to leave. I have an attorney and a great therapist but I'm also stuck because to leave safely, I can't tell him I'm leaving and just have to get out while he's not home. I'm having a hard time with that part of it all.

Does anyone have any similar experience? I'm having such a hard time focusing on what I know is right for me and I'm so stuck worried about him and how he's going to survive.

wiscsober

Best to you...your safety first...remember you are powerless as much over his alcoholism as he is...worrying won't do you any good and if he has survived this far he will continue on. Make a safety plan and include family and friends for support....stick to it...detaching sets healthy boundaries no need to compromise your principles any longer...you are worth recovery

FeelingGreat

Hi Sunny, just to wish you good luck, which you won't need because you've planned carefully. As for worrying about him, please try to resist those thoughts as his first priority is his addiction. Whether he 'survives' or not won't be down to you.
Go for it!

Pelican

I found help is determining where my responsibility ends in caring for my AXH, and another A in my life by reading the wisdom in one of our sticky posts.

Here is a specific part of the link that may help you determine how much of his life you are responsible for:

Need to be Needed

Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."



Here is a link to the entire article:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

sunnshinegirl

I want to thank everyone for their help. And Pelican, thanks for that Need to be Needed. I don't get anything from the relationship any longer and I think I've realized I stay because I think he can't survive without me and that's my arrogance which I'm working on and learning to have healthy boundaries. I'm told every day I have s--- for brains (and worse) and I can't take it any more. He's in his 60s and the effect of daily heavy drinking is really catching up with him and it's sad to see him deteriorate in front of my eyes. So many emotions go through my mind and I thank you all for your support.

Gollum

Alcoholism is a cruel disease. It is the very nature of humans to worry about our loved one's when they are at risk, but with alcoholism protecting is enabling and does more harm than good. You are powerless to his addiction, it is his problem not yours and only he can look after himself. If he wants to continue drinking, you can't protect him no matter where you are. You must look after yourself as just like him, you are the only one who can. Wishing you all the best.

redatlanta

Honey he will survive. Alcoholics are survivors! Their need for booze outweighs anything and everything. Its priority numero uno. There was a thread on here yesterday about a husband that let the air out of tires and hid keys to keep AW at home while he was gone. She had a spare set, drove to the liquor store shredding the tires and driving on the rims to get some vodka. That in a nutshell says it all.

Dont' worry about him - worry about yourself. Is he worrying about you?

You have made a plan now put it in play. Maybe have someone there with you when you leave in the small chance that he might come home.

I am glad you are prepared. Please keep us updated will send some prayers your way.

Jazzman

So you're concerned about your physical safety if he were to know your plans?

sunnshinegirl

Jazzman, yes. He has never crossed that line but he's a very angry person and I never give him any reason to be angry at me. Walking on eggshells always. My therapist and my attorney are helping me to put a plan into place but I still feel guilty leaving him. But that's my problem I'm working on. Guilt has tumbled me down the rabbit hole and I've had enough.

Jazzman

Well now I'm much more concerned about your safety than your feeling guilty. How good is your plan? Or I guess I should say, please make a good plan!

sunnshinegirl

Jazzman, I'm okay. I have a good plan in place and will enact it very soon. Just taking so much strength to follow through and I feel like a sneak although I understand why I have to be. I'm very fortunate to have good friends by my side as well. I'm going to do what I know I have to do. I really appreciate the support all of you have given me. My road to recovery started the day I went to see my doctor and just broke down crying from the stress of the verbal abuse. My doctor referred me to a wonderful therapist who deals in addiction counseling and he's helped me along this difficult journey. Then I found this board recently and reading all your posts and the threads makes me feel I'm not alone.

Recovering2

I learned "the only way through something is through it." It takes courage and will power to leave an alcoholic partner/relationship. But if you read on here, no one who found the courage to leave looks back and regrets that decision. Life is short, no one deserves verbal abuse and stress. There is a peaceful, serene life out there for you. But you have to be willing to put yourself first, then go out and claim that life for yourself.

I'm glad you're putting a plan in place, and pray for your safety. I hope you consider AlAnon as you build a new life for yourself. Peace to you.

firebolt

You can do this. I "snuck" out of a relationship once. Not out of fear, but because I just did not want one more fight. I was SO done.

I planned with 4 friends. I stored boxes for a week at one of their houses. I planned with my boss to take a day off.

The morning of, the bf and I "went to work." I drove around for 45 min, making sure he was gone and at work, then I circled back home, called my 4 girlfriends, one brought the boxes, and us 5 women made fast work of erasing myself from that house. Never looked back....best thing I ever did. I'll never live with someone that wants to argue about every single thing to make themselves feel better as long as I live. You can do it!

fedup3

sunshinegirl, your story sounds like mine. I was a provider in all areas for him enabling him to do nothing but drink, oh if we could go back how different we would do things but we can't, ugh. The past 2 yrs since our divorce my xah has been sober more than the whole previous 8 yrs while married. When I stepped out of the way he had to take responsibility for himself seeing I wasn't doing it for him anymore. Did that take my worry about him away when I left him? Not entirely but year by year, month by month and day by day I'm recovering and you will to just take that step and be safe in whatever decision you make.

atalose

Can you start slowly moving things out of your house? Are there any possessions that mean allot to you that you want to put someplace safe? A friend of mine was very afraid to tell her husband she was leaving. She was afraid she would cave on her decision once he began his yelling and screaming and threats. Her plan was to get all her things out while he was at work. She realized it was going to take longer then a day so she began moving things out. Her grandmothers china, her family pictures, things she didn’t want him breaking and destroying out of spite.

This was during the summer so she began moving out all her winter clothes and jackets. So when her exit day came she really only had to pack a few suitcases and was out of there.