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when will it get easier?

Old 04-01-2013, 12:03 PM
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when will it get easier?

When do holidays stop sucking because xAH is allowed by law to see the girls and then chooses to either fail to show OR as in the case yesterday shows up, verbally berates me for taking too long to get the girls ready, takes off and comes back WITH THE POLICE claiming I am "alienating" him and I get a lecture from the cops about not "involving" the kids.

I am not defending myself to xAH anymore and he is clearly spiraling out of control more and more and more.

My taking too long btw was spending 2 min looking for DD 7's easter shoes for her.

Day in and out are unpredictable. I have now spent thousands of dollars I do not have (hello credit cards) on his bogus claims that I am alienating him from the girls and going back and forth to court.

He is obsessed with continuing to try and control/manipulate/abuse me and the court is BLIND to him and his antics.

The perception is that we are both being acrimonious and need to be willing to " work together for the good of the kids ".

It makes no difference that he has arrest records, has abused me, etc... He puts on a slick good guy presence in court and it is awful.

He has a lawyer who is nasty and angry and apparantly having fun screwing with me and dragging me in and out of court over non issues.

I am asking for nothing but to be left alone and even that I can't get.

To have a lawyer who could slam xAH and his attorney I would need a small fortunte and I have now maxed out my credit cards on the less than stellar one I do have.

I am nearly ready to say he can just have whatever he wants.

Detaching, not engaging, having as limited contact as possible all seems to result in nothing but more abuse from him.
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Old 04-01-2013, 12:21 PM
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Study any Sun-Tzu?

Rather than spending money on lawyers . . . use nature as it has been granted to you.

Buy him a Peace Offering. A bottle (or 10) of his favorite.

Send it home with him when he drops the kids off.

Drink, Drank, Drunk.

Burn, baby, burn.
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Old 04-01-2013, 12:32 PM
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What kind of visitation plan do you have in place?

When he and his lawyers drag you in and out of court, what are the issues they are attempting to address?

I had a very controlling husband and when I filed for divorce that control of his was magnified 100%.

I initially maxed out a credit card I had taken out in my name only to use as a retainer for a good attorney. When that card reached it’s limit I had taken out another one. My divorce cost me the best $11750.00 I ever spent!!!!! If you can borrow from family or friends, apply for another card and retain an attorney who can help you resolve and put a stop to his and his attorney’s controlling behavior.

Make a motion to the court that if he continues to waist the courts and your time on silly issues then you want him to pay your legal fees….
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Old 04-01-2013, 01:43 PM
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WTBH - nice to see you again. So sorry it is with the same old song and dance. He really is a piece of work, eh?

I am nearly ready to say he can just have whatever he wants.
I understand this. So what is it he wants so badly? If you can, give it to him. Give it in spades, so much so that he chokes on it. Does he need to be right? Agree with every stupid thing he says (just not in writing!). Does he need to be validated? You can give him that without admitting to anything. Divorce sucks, for both of you.

You know your truth, WTBH. Don't ever forget that.

So what can you do to manipulate the situation to get what you really want...to be left alone?!
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Old 04-01-2013, 02:05 PM
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Do not give in to him.
Is it possible for you to do the changeover of the children in a public place?
Make a changeover time & a changeover place.
I had mine changed after court counselling for the same reasons you are having problems & we would meet outside a public supermarket.
This can be written into any parental orders.
Maybe then he wouldn't be so mouthy & you can just sit in the car & let the children get out & go to his car. You don't even have to look at him.
Good luck.
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Old 04-01-2013, 02:40 PM
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Rosiepetal.... you should look back on WTBH's posts... NOTHING stops this guy. He's a monster.

WTBH, I'm so sorry that this has not gotten any better. How are the girls doing? Are you all (or any of you) still in counseling? You can get free counseling at an abuse center or even over the phone, y'know. I hope you have some support.

As was asked before...what IS it that he wants????
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Old 04-01-2013, 02:48 PM
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((WTBH)) - Though I am SOOOO happy to see you back here, I hate that he's still doing the same song and dance.

I don't know the answer, but I would seriously like to load up the codie bus with all of us who love/support you (okay, maybe a looong train as there are lots of us) and move you and the girls so very far away from him.

Oh yeah, and for him, the lawyer, and the so-called law enforcement where you live? for a very long time.

In the meantime, I always keep you all in my prayers, and I will continue to do so.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 04-01-2013, 03:07 PM
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Glad to see you back! Sorry it's under these circumstances.

Yes, what is it that he wants, exactly?

This guy is a monster, clearly. Having been in a similar situation with someone who was intent on suing me and pounding me into the ground -- and suffering PTSD from it long after -- my hope is that you can find a way to detach from his behavior and begin to view him not with power, but with pity. My exNPD will never change. My DS13 is aware of his dad's dysfunction and while he expresses frustration with him, expects nothing different. I don't either. I don't even long for things to be different anymore. He's just an *******, an abuser, and a troublemaker.

My methods of dealing with him include detachment, minimizing contact between us, including neutral drop-offs, asking for nothing that's not in the legal custody agreement, taking zero responsibility for his promises, and doing all communication in text or email. I am never late, and I ask for and apologize for nothing. The times he has called the cops on me, I explained the situation to the cops and they gave both of us a talking to and left.

The thing about those guys that always call the cops? Eventually the cops get sick of making calls about things that aren't crises. It may take awhile, but it happens. My ex has a reputation for being difficult, demanding, and hard to work with. It's great to glide in on my good graces knowing everyone expects him to be bitter and opportunistic.

I deal with it with my son by making sure he knows how much I love him, by spending special time together just the two of us, pointing out where his dad is just wrong (I used to avoid this, but I feel like addressing bad behavior is the right thing to do, and not ignoring it and pretending it's okay or doesn't exist). I am also very active in therapy where I am learning to differentiate myself from my dysfunctional parents, my abusive ex, my alcoholic AH, and all the baggage and low self-esteem that led to a series of bad life choices on my part. The biggest thing? I don't care what he thinks about me. I don't care what he thinks about my life or my parenting. I don't care what he tells other people about me (including gross, deviant sexual things, accusations of drug abuse and child abuse) because I know my truth and I live with integrity. He doesn't. And I know that if we had to stand up in court and lay it all out there, he'd show his ass. He does every time.
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:12 AM
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He wants full custody. He has an "expert" witness claiming I have alienated him, we have a GAL who SUCKS and buys AH's narcissistic charm hook line and sinker.

He has his colleagues (drinking buddies but also teachers at the local high school) writing letters about how amazing he is and that they see him much more than me with the girls (bc he brings our oldest to school most days bc I can't)

He will agree to one thing verbally then put something else in writing and all that is in writing constantly makes it sound like he is putting the girls first and is concerned about what I am doing to them by alienating them. I don't defend myself in writing but continue to have the GAL actually validate his accusations and she makes me defend myself.

His latest "game" is to not show up on the days he's to see the girls or to fail to show up to get DD7 in the mornings and when I solve the problem myself and make alternate arrangements he then starts a text barrage about how he was waiting for me and takes photos of himself at the morning drop off spot to prove he's there and tells me I am alienating him. If the girls back me up and say he wasn't he cries that I am forcing them to lie for me. I feel trapped constantly by his manipulating.

He doesn't actually want the girls but it's his last way to control (or so he thinks) me.

I continue to stand my ground and not debate or argue or defend myself to him and just do what's right and follow the rules etc... but he's constantly twisting the truth and creating all out lies to make me out to be a bad co parent/mother who is alienating the girls from him.

Sorry this is so disjointed. Just had yet another nightmare morning. No show at the drop off then angrily showed up as I dropped DD7 at my neighbors who offered to bring her to school screaming about how I am keeping his kids from him. On my way to work my neighbor texted me to say she is sorry but she doesn't want to be in the middle and have her kids have to witness xAH acting that way and that she can't help with DD7 in the mornings period.

Unreal.
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:14 AM
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Yes, in counseling. xAH has decided he dislikes the girls therapist and that I am manipulating her just like I manipulate the girls and is asking for a "neutral" court appointed therapist (the GAL is totally on xAH's side and buys his poor me story) so I don't know how much longer the girls will be with their current T (who has told xAH he is abusive and needs anger management and in patient alcohol treatment so clearly he hates her)
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:19 AM
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I have zero experience with this- want to put that out front because I would hate to give the wrong advice.

Can you videotape his outbursts with your phone?

Are you documenting with proof that he is not at the drop off spot on time?
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:30 AM
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My state has a ZERO taping/video taping tolerance law. One of two I think my lawyer said. So while I do tape a lot NOT one bit of it is able to be used as proof.

Yes I have thousands of pages of documenting and xAH is very smart and evil and on every occassion he doesn't show, rages etc... he creates his own journal of events. So we have completely contradictory journals of what is happening and the court is perceiving it as if we are both difficult and unwilling to cooperate. No matter what I do/give/agree to he finds a way to say it's wrong.

I am just about ready to call his bluff and say go for it and live with the girls full time. I think he would last a week maybe and then might be willing to agree to a final arrangement that is reasonable. But am I willing to risk the girls well being for that gamble?

My fear is he will realize that is precisely what I am counting on and he will keep the girls indefinitely and I will be screwed/devastated and the girls will be at risk.
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:32 AM
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Hello WTBH,

I don't have any magic words of wisdom except that you and your girls are still in my prayers.

I know that you can't really offer up recorded evidence in your state, but HE certainly seems to feel free to do so in order to get law enforcement and the courts to believe him. Why, then, can't you do the same? Whatever happened with that parking lot exchange incident? Was there any evidence caught on the Wal-mart cameras?

Only you can decide what will work best for you and your children. Whatever you decide, you have our support. Sending you all the well-wishes, hugs, and prayers that can be offered for you and the girls!!
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
My state has a ZERO taping/video taping tolerance law. One of two I think my lawyer said. So while I do tape a lot NOT one bit of it is able to be used as proof.

Yes I have thousands of pages of documenting and xAH is very smart and evil and on every occassion he doesn't show, rages etc... he creates his own journal of events. So we have completely contradictory journals of what is happening and the court is perceiving it as if we are both difficult and unwilling to cooperate. No matter what I do/give/agree to he finds a way to say it's wrong.

I am just about ready to call his bluff and say go for it and live with the girls full time. I think he would last a week maybe and then might be willing to agree to a final arrangement that is reasonable. But am I willing to risk the girls well being for that gamble?

My fear is he will realize that is precisely what I am counting on and he will keep the girls indefinitely and I will be screwed/devastated and the girls will be at risk.
I should have figured you'd thought of anything that I would think of. ;-)

I wouldn't gamble with your kids. Most likely you are saying it out of frustration, but they need you.

I wish I had some sage advice or wisdom to offer.
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:45 AM
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Since when do police officers report to calls like this? My guess is they were told a different story.

Here is what I would do - I would call these PO's commanding officer or maybe even the chief of police. I would plead my case with them also showing his past history of arrests. I would explain that he is an A.

As for his actions this morning - I would file a police report. You have your neighbor as a witness. I would file 500 reports on him. I would file a report every time he sent me a borage of nasty threatening texts - I would let the police know that you fear for your safety. This is abuse and it has happened many times! I would also contact a domestic violence shelter and speak with a specialist there - you may get some very good guidance on how to handle this. I would work my ass off to get protective order against him.

This is what I would do it may not be what you would. He makes me sick.
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Old 04-02-2013, 07:38 AM
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Dear wanttobehealthy, you are clearly being abused by him---in a calculated and deliberate way he is harrassing and trying to terrorize you.

This thought occurs to me---what bout contacting the national domestic abuse organization and ask for a referral to an experienced EXPERT in this field that is LOCAL to you. They have seen the most savage situations and can get involved in your situation and be your advocate in court proceedings. They know ways that we may not have ever thought of---have contacts for all of the possible resources.

Another thought---call the staff of your congressman and ask that they give you referral to a domestic violence expert or better legal defense (that you can't afford). Our congressman's office has never failed to be helpful--no matter how bizarre the request seems.

I am just trying to brainstorm here.....if it isn't, helpful, please just disregard this post. You have so much on your plate.

We will support you, no matter what.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-02-2013, 08:25 AM
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I have to agree with Tuffgirl.

Thinking back to when I was getting divorce, my ex had some very unrealistic expectations. He did not want to share holidays, he wanted it ALL. He wanted both Christmas Eve AND Christmas day, ALL of summer vacation, and on and on.......

I gambled and agreed, it was quite scary. Guess what? He did not Ever take advantage of the court order he so bullied me for.

At the time he had the crazy Charlie Sheen mentality, the "Winning" ..... it was all about him berating me and beating me down. He was a control freak, and had to have the upper hand. When I stopped playing his nasty game, it was truly over.

You don't necessarily have to have a court order to do this, perhaps just offering him additional visitation, allow him to think he is in the drivers seat.... fill his ego to the brim, perhaps he will choke.

Wishing you peace.
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:51 AM
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It's good to see you back. While I believe ,it is the exception to the rule, the law & court system has clearly failed you. Hopefully, you are no longer surprised at what he pulls. The county you live in seems like something out of the 1950's. I would "think outside the box" & get a mean attack dog or get some male family members to have a long talk with him.
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:27 PM
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The thought just occured to me that you could possibly go to the state level? Appeal to your state representative and ask for any and all legal help they can provide, change the laws regarding taping....something!? Man, I'm grasping at straws here..... there just has to be a way.

Have you ever talked to a domestic abuse counselor?
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:51 PM
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He will screw up big time before this is all over.

So sorry you are enduring yet more of this crap.

We are here sweetie, hope you come around when you need support.

Katie xo
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