DroPsoJuPiTeR

last night i found myself thinking about him coming home from rehab i think it will be on the 17th which is also his birthday,,,, and im thinking maybe i dont want him to come here which sucks for me because its his parents who own the house so i would be the one who would need to pack up the kids and move
. i tend to think ahead and project whats going to happen or how its going to be when he is here ,,,, i always hated this house it was so embarassing i never let anyone come over .. but since hes been gone (even before he went in) i have been painting and making this house a home for my kids and myself i always like interior design but things would get broken or we didnt have the money to get things i liked so its all used stuff or free stuff from craigs list thats how i managed here,,,,
even christmas time i would get help from people like im always grateful but i would like to be the one to give for once instead of being the reciever... one christmas i met this woman who was giving me presents to give to the kids and i cried ... she was like dont worry some people have it worse... she told me that the woman she met earlier in the day to give presents to had a drug addict bf and he sold the presents she bought,,,, and i remember coming home with all the presents telling my husband that story thinking thank god we are just struggling with money and we arent drug addictss ..... meanwhile little did i know he has been getting high for years and i never knew but i look back on holidays and birthdays and see how things were affected ALOT because of him
but to get to the point it looks nicer around here now... where i wouldnt be ashamed to have people visit and im hoping that its not all for nothing for him to just come home relapse break stuff etc we put alot of time painting and color coordinating and still not done but i feel comfortable here its hard to explain i am a libra lol i need to feel comfortable at home its supposed to be my sanctuary and i havent felt that way for years. surrounding myself with pretty things and being clean and clutter free as possible,,,,im not materialistic i dont need expensive stuff at all just a warm inviting home
im interested to see how long that will last .... its not allll about the house but the house is the foundation of a loving home right thats what i believe in my soul. its going to be devastating if he becomes the bear in a china closet after the work of finally getting this place together for the kids to be able to have friends over (this is huge for them)

redatlanta

Are you attending counseling sessions at his rehab? Maybe it would be appropriate to discuss him NOT coming back into the house yet.

While he is away it would be a good time for you to make plans for your future as well. what if he were to relapse - if you had to move to get away. Have you been able to put some $$ aside since he isn't there spending it into a fund so you and the kids CAN move if you need to?

DroPsoJuPiTeR

our first visit was saturday and they had a short alanon meeting as soon as we arrived ... i could barely call it a meeting people were talking with the people they were visiting and i could barely hear the man speaking,and i was also keeping an eye on my girls seeing how they were doing seeing their dad...
if he relapsed i wouldnt have the $ to just move and get another place, i would have to stay with family that lives about 45 mins away and uproot the kids he would probably most likely take the van away since he bought it and maintains it (took it away last time i moved out) ....
so if that happens it happens i would have to get some kind of financial help like social services i dont have money saved, i drive a bus for 25 hours a week sometimes more and this week i had off so unemployment will give me half of what i usually make... theres no way to save i still pay what i always have electric food cable gas car insurance garbage pick up and what ever else we needed while he paid (or was supposed to pay) his parents the rent... im thinking his moms so pissed at him that if i could show her i could pay her she would tell him he couldnt come back. but shes like me says one thing and does another...
so yeah thats where we will go if he relapses to the point money is missing and theres no use in trying anymore. my moms and try to get socialservices to help ....which i dont really like i want to be independent but realitically it wont be that way at first

DroPsoJuPiTeR

i asked him if he could go to a half way house he said he isnt going to a half way house that he is coming home and will continue his outpatient rehab ritual in the mornings and his aa meetings at night.... i also asked him a few times if hes sure they werent keeping him in rehab longer.... his mom feels the same..... if he was getting high for all these years he should be getting help for longer than 30days.... BUT i know thats all out of my hands...
sometimes im like wow wouldnt it be awesome if i could just leave and not look back or be affected or have the kids affected. but its not reality. just have to be strong in what choices i make not letting my emotions get in the way.
i really know i have to get my relationship with God back in full force, because then..... I give it all to him everyday and have faith strength and hope for our future whatever it may be... between that and my constant rambling on here I think I may be able to get back to me and follow through on whats right for us.... with or without him... thanks for listening i feel like such a jerk worrying about the house but i always have . i want my kids to feel adequate. not inadequate.

Tuffgirl

Why is this not a potential reality for you?

And while he is gone, try to take it one day at a time. Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

it can happen i can leave that is reality ,,, i am a weak person when it comes to being able to stay away so that what i mean by being affected. and sure the kids would be affected too whatever we choose affects them. like i KNOW whats right and wrong and I KNOW what should be done but I have the problem of giving in

like lasst time i moved out literally storage unit all my stuff and the kids stuff protection order .... just to come back a month later.... i started to miss him and he was so distraught i wanted to make things better CODEPENDENCY yup i just noticed that ughhh. yes i will take this one day at a time.

Im up early Im usually gettting ready for work at this time but my sister in law informed me at 10 30 last night she wouldnt be able to come this morning to stay with the kids and get them on the bus...mosst likely because I wont let her and my niece move in andd stick everyone on THEIR schedule.
so noww I think I have two options.... one is to stay home take off work until husband gets back on the 17th so he can continue putting the kids on the bus OR have this dreaded talk about her moving in and whats acceptable and not acceptable when she is heree.... its like shee criticizzes (woww just like him) but not so harsh just more controlling... andd tries to take over with the kids ( i dont know if shes trying to help or just thinks Im doing it wrong)

my problem is i did like my inlaws until that time i moved out for the month and they lied tried to have the kids taken away tried to BRAINWASH my oldest telling them IIIIII did all the stuff their father did not him to the point she believed it even though she was there (unfortunately) and my sil made a police report saying i attacked her when i NEVER touched her....
so that made me keep the kids away for a long time unless i or my husband was present ... if they came up with all those crazy lies and had my daughter believing their stuff in a matter of a two hour visit what else could they do.
i know i suck ... im talking about how they affect my kids but look at what i do. Im talking about them but not what I or my husband have done. I know what Ive done and I take the blame for it Im just not going to welcome this person into my house whos done me wrong by lying.... If they didnt make up stuff and try to brainwash my kid against me I would not feel the way I do ....
Ever since then its never been the same I really dont deal with them unless I HAVE to because I would rather be real than fake... and this here is making me hate my husband that i HAVE to deal with people I dislike or tolerate becausee I NEED their help. Or maybe not I could just ssit here till he gets back and be an at home mom .... Im indecisive i think thats a codependency thing.
at this point I probably pissed a few people off because Im a jerk maybe Im supposed to suck it up and just let them help me. and deal with people I dont like because thats life. let her come in and infiltrate lol.... i just normally see her and cant wait till she leaves when she visits and now if i let her she wont be leaving and im never comfortable till shes gone cuz i feel like shes judgingg or trying to take over when in the emd my kids are my kids and they need to listento ME and what I do works for us bedtimes dinner etc who the hell cares if we eat in the living room honestly lol
thanks for reading my ongoing babbles

LexieCat

Could you maybe arrange for another mom on the street to put your kids on the bus in the morning? Maybe offer to pay something or to trade favors--take their kids for a bit when they need some time?

Or even find a high school kid who would like to make a bit of money for an hour or so in the morning? I think having your SIL stay with you sounds like a bad idea.

DroPsoJuPiTeR

this not having anyone to stay with the kids and put them on the bus is one of the reasons i havent left my husband in the first place. and now its still a problem since he isnt here....

like i have racked my brain over and over.... i leave the house no later than 610 to make it to work just in time... my in laws are my neighbors and i dont know anyone who i would trust for that matter to stay with my 3 little girls from that time on until they got on the bus. its kind of early for anyone to come here and kind of early to have to drop them somewhere....
i dont really have many neighbors. like 4 of them and their work/school/job situations wouldnt help...

i may just have to let her come here and have a long talk before hand, like cant she come here at 7 or 730 at night everynight she only lives next door....
by then i should have the kids getting in the shower snacked and ready for bed for her kid to go to bed by 8 but mine dont go to bed until 830ish... and she can go back next door for the weekends....
and tell her that my kids need to listen to ME her interfering will only make them feel like im not the boss and that would be detrimental to what im trying to do here...

i dont think i have any other option, money and drama or no money and no drama. gotta pay bills.... ughhh

DroPsoJuPiTeR

so this is the letter im going to send to mysister in law before i let her come here if she still wants to after reading it please tell me if you think i covered it all before i give it to her thanks



im sorry that i said i dont wnt you to move in... the way it was said kind of made me feel bombarded. this letter is not an angry letter sso dont read it that way im just talking and getting it all out on the table other wise i get wound up and dont get it all out.
like that your daughter goes to bed at 8 and that my kids would have to get on a schedule.
how would you feel if someone was going to move in and tell you what time you and your kids were going to do this and that.
in the end, my kids have to listen to ME . if i have someone come here and make new rules about how things are going to be that undermines me and makes the kids not respect me or my rules.
I told the kids when we found out that your brother would be going to rehab that things were going to start changing around here. i KNOW they have to change and so do they. i am not incompetent and it makes me feel that way when you say that they need to have a schedule and go to bed at 8 because that is what time your daughter goes to bed.
my kids START bed time at 830.... sometimes its more towards 9. we are making progress and thats what counts. it used to be later when your brother was here because they would wait for him to get home to give him a kiss goodnite, its not a good excuse but you have to realize they probably had anxiety about where he was what he was doing and if he was coming home. so they would be in bed but not sleeping or just plain sitting on the couch with me waiting for him to get here.
and yes my kids dont all sleep in their beds but thats another thing ive been working on. **** sleeps in her room. **** will sleep in her room. ***** will sleep in her room and always wake up in the middle of the night to come by me. while your brother has beem gone they like to be around me. and thats fine with me if we all have to sleep together so be it. its not a problem for me it works for us and i will not have anyone judge or tell me how its supposed to be. because i know how its supposed to be. and im working on it. last night everyone was in hayley and ashleys room. hayley on the top bunk lisa and ash on the bottom. i layed down and started a movie until I said bedtime. Last thing on this issue: We are not the only people who have the kids wake up and come to bed with us in the middle of the night, I know plenty of people like that and it doesnt bother me so why should it bother anyone else.

also, who cares if we eat dinner in the living room while watching television.
it doesnt happen all the time we eat at the table some days too but it shouldnt matter to anyone else. lots of people sit in front of the tv and eaaat dinner lunch breakfast snack whatever..... we are not perfect, but again it works for us so it shouldnt matter what anyone else thinks.
I cant change because of how you do things in your own house you think we should be that way too. great that you eat at the table in your own house for every meal. great that you have a specific bedtime and ritual for you and your daughter. thats awesome. great that she brushes her teeth every night.l am happy that you have all that stuff down and in order and it works for you ...i dont judge you if you did or didnt.. its not my business so sue me if we dont brush our teeth every nightl..... i didnt as a kid and my teeth are awesome.... again i know what is right and wrong. im looking for progress not perfection. and we are making progress.
these are things I am working on with the kids... now that i have a little sanity and am not arguing with your brother wondering where he is what he is doing and where is all the money and all that other crap i can and have been focusing on what has been important all along....
and i think i can do fine with it. without help. someone helping isnt heloing me its hurting me. again they need to know whos boss and they need to respect me . think about it you can come here and say this is the rules this is how its going to be then you leave and guess what. who did they listen to they listened to you not me and i got no where with what im trying to do.
do youget what im saying.
So if you got this far and you arent offended yet, because thats not what im trying to do at all. im trying to get some kind of order and boundaries for me and the girls on my own.... thats how it has to be done....
its not even that bad here. my kids arent really bad they are normal kids who may have to be told a few times to do something before they do it . things have changed from where our parents were kids and when we were kids and you cant beat it into them they have to learn by example and im working on what i can and have done awesome so far i think.
you dont have to come help me get the kids on the bus and stuff if you dont want to ... but if you can help then this stuff had to be addressed .... you can take either mine and jessies room or lisas room to sleep in that can be discussed... and if you and jewel come here every night by 730 (that can be discussed too) i should have the kids fed homework done and probabluy in the middle of showers or whatever so we can start winding down for the night,
you dont even have to get them off the bus if you dont want to i can have them go to the bus yard at the end of the day.... and as far as ashley she would be with you in the morning till i got home amd thats usually before 10am....i could take her to daycare in the afternoon before my next shift. im trying to not dissrupt your life and try to keep ours how i want it too
so think about it im trying to have this so we would not get on each others nerves. sleeping over every night till he got here would be less stressful on me than you moving in i need my space and im sure you like to have yours too... i like to come home in the morning between breaks and do what i gotta do and you can be home until the night time every night.
i think i covered it all. so if you want to help or you dont want to help thats fine i understand either way, just let me know.
I can stay home with the kids until he gets home we will just be reallllly struggling because i paid everything but the rent but if i have to do that i will wee dont need anymore drama than we already have.
again none of this is mean or snotty i hope u dont take it that way i just need boundaries , the kids to respect ME and sanity lol. i have to leave here by like 12 40 so please get back to me before then... i already have the kids taken care of this after noon they go to my job except ash want to come over there but i dont want to mess up anything you have going with your daughter and her teachers just let me know either way thanks

DroPsoJuPiTeR

yeah i see i tried to make our names anonymous and lost track oh well if im willing to let you all know what goes on in the house who cares if you know what our names our lol. well i sent it to her im going to get ready for work and see how this all works out later. im obsessed constantly posting here but its therapeutic for me even if no one answers my posts i still get what im thinking out of my head

DroPsoJuPiTeR

rehab counselor called me today and said hubby will be coming home on friday oh my goodness