choublak

My boyfriend's paternal grandfather was an alcoholic who died at about 55 years of age. My boyfriend's father has an older brother and that's it. My boyfriend's paternal grandmother, widow of the deceased alcoholic, has always taken what my boyfriend's father's brother says as gospel truth...basically BF's father's older brother has always been like the golden boy. I read about "surrogate spouses" like where the spouse of the alcoholic views one child in a certain light, and puts them where the other spouse should be. I know I'm probably jumping to conclusions but I was wondering if maybe there is some connection?

redatlanta

I think its normal for parents to connect more so with some children than others. And yes I have seen the "surrogate" spouse thing. My RAH and his mother are particularly close and his father and older brother are particularly close. It not that they love their children/parents differently simply that they connect/communicate/have similar interests and end up confiding more in each other.

kudzujean

Sounds just like my father's family of origin. His father died of alcoholism and his widow (my grandmother) had what I've heard called a "magical marriage" with my father.

"Magical marriage" is when the closest bond in the family is between the parent and a particular child. There doesn't have to be anything sexual going on.

My father's relationship with his mother was sick--reminds me of Norman Bates.

dandylion

Choublak, yes--the roles that were established in our family of origin--even more than o ne generation back is very influenctial in our psychosocial development. As I understand it, this is one of the fundamental principles, "Family Systems Theory,used by family therapists.

If one is interested in this subject--in considerable depth--there is a classic book, "The Family Crucible", by Agustus Napier. It can be bought, inexpensively, on Amazon.com.

After reading this book---it is easy to see how alcoholism in one of the parents can ravage the relationships in a family. Honestly, the book is written more for other therapists than the average layman--but, if one is very interested and willing to wade through--there is a lot of enlightment there.

Family is the first place where we learn how to interact with other humans.

very sincerely, dandylion

choublak

Here's the most recent incident: we (we being my boyfriend and I, my boyfriend's parents, and my boyfriend's paternal grandmother) all live in the same town in PA; my boyfriend's uncle (his father's older brother, let's call him M) lives in Boston. M and boyfriend's father don't get along (another story for another thread), so they take turns visiting her during holidays. Ultimately the grandmother doesn't spend much time with M, who from what I've heard does a lot of inconsiderate things (although the grandmother either doesn't see it, or chooses to ignore it). The grandmother has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and dementia and my boyfriend's father had in the past few months gently suggested that the grandmother go into an independent/assisted living facility, and the grandmother had always said no. A few weeks ago she went up to Boston to visit M, and when she came back, M told my boyfriend's father, "mom has to tell you something that she's been wanting to tell you for awhile now" and, somehow, over the course of the five days she'd been in Boston, M had "convinced" her to agree to move into an assisted living place. My boyfriend's father was then saying, a few days later: "it has always been like this, when I say something, she says she'll think about it, but if M says that same thing, she thinks it's the gospel truth. That always drove me nuts."

I'm wondering if the grandmother interacted with M the way she would have liked to interact with her husband, or something.

dandylion

It's possible......

dandylion

redatlanta

If the Grandmother goes into assisted living, your bf father wants it, M wants it, and now she has agreed to it what does it matter?

Isn't the end result the gain here not the method by which it happened?

dandylion

I agree with redatlanta on this "end result".

I can tell you that sibling rivalry, arising from the family of origin, can continue into the last years of life. I saw it between my mother and her sister---her sister was 97yrs. old!!!!!

Question--are you trying to be your boyfriend's therapist?? These things are interesting and can be important to understand---but, you can never, ever, become his therapist. Discussion can be fun, interesting and even enlightening--but, be careful if you are trying to play a "role" with your boyfriend. We often try this--always, with degrees of failure.

Just a few thoughts that are boun cing around in my noggin, this A.M.

dandylion

choublak

LOL no, not trying to be anybody's therapist.

dandylion

Oh, O.K.

dandylion

choublak

Well, the grandmother moved up here from a Philly suburb last year. Bf father suggested it then, and she said no. So, BF's parents found her an apartment. Now she has to move again and they are still paying rent on her apartment. It would have been easier on everybody if she had just moved into assisted living when she moved up here the first time.