A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
This is the second day in a row my AH is taking a "mental health" day from work (yeah, drinking all day is GREAT for anyone's mental health! LOL!!!). Anyway, here's what he's doing, and it's making me nervous as all get-out. I'm beginning to think trying in some way to get my attention or make me nervous or just assert his "authority" as lord and master of the house may be the reason he's doing it, or else he just wants to see what he can do to push my boundaries to the max.
Anyway ... I woke up three night's ago on the upstairs loveseat at 3 a.m. and he was just sitting in a chair staring at me. Gave me the willies! Then he staggered off to bed after muttering some unintelligible phrases. He pulled the same thing last night, except this time I was in the basement - had fallen asleep with the t.v. on and a light on. It was a little after 4 a.m. and I could sense him in the room this time. I also heard the repetitive click of the computer mouse. I knew what he was up to - going through the carefully catalogued photos he's downloaded of the bevy of porno "beauties" he's collected. Guess he just HAD to sit and admire them at 4 a.m.! Anyway, after he was done with that lovely little activity, he came over and sat on the other couch and started the staring routine again. I rolled over and asked him just what compelled him to come down to the basement, to which he replied, "The t.v. was on." Yeah, right - like there isn't another t.v. upstairs he can watch. Of course, the computer (and all those GORGEOUS babes he stares at from his porn sites) is in the basement.
I had very politely requested around 9 p.m. last night that he go upstairs to sleep it off since he was too drunk to operate the t.v. remote. He obliged without any grief, but then came the 4 a.m. incident. Again, I got the strange feeling he was trying to encroach in his own bizarre way on my privacy. Almost like, "I'll get in her face 24/7 if I want to just to see how long it takes before she starts venting at me ... after all, she'd just love it if I'd go to work so she could have some time for a little peace and quiet."
Heck, he's a federal government employee and has been for the past 12 years, so he has tons of leave and at this point it would be pretty hard for his boss to fire him unless he showed up for work dead drunk.
Realistically, I know nobody here - including me - can really know what's motivating him to do what he's doing - he probably doesn't even know! But it sure is making me swallow a lot that I don't want to swallow. I want to say to him, "Just leave me the hell alone," but I won't do it because I have this feeling that's just what he's trying to get me to say.
Anyone else had an A who stays at home all the time rather than hanging in bars or staying gone for days on end?
P.S. - I'm afraid to leave the house to just get away from him for fear he'll "accidently" let my two beloved house cats out of the house and I'd come home to find out they just happened to run out and were lost. He knows how attached I am to them, and I think that's the first thing he'd do to retaliate. Kinda like how he "lost" his wedding band last month (and that's never turned up!).
Anyway ... I woke up three night's ago on the upstairs loveseat at 3 a.m. and he was just sitting in a chair staring at me. Gave me the willies! Then he staggered off to bed after muttering some unintelligible phrases. He pulled the same thing last night, except this time I was in the basement - had fallen asleep with the t.v. on and a light on. It was a little after 4 a.m. and I could sense him in the room this time. I also heard the repetitive click of the computer mouse. I knew what he was up to - going through the carefully catalogued photos he's downloaded of the bevy of porno "beauties" he's collected. Guess he just HAD to sit and admire them at 4 a.m.! Anyway, after he was done with that lovely little activity, he came over and sat on the other couch and started the staring routine again. I rolled over and asked him just what compelled him to come down to the basement, to which he replied, "The t.v. was on." Yeah, right - like there isn't another t.v. upstairs he can watch. Of course, the computer (and all those GORGEOUS babes he stares at from his porn sites) is in the basement.
I had very politely requested around 9 p.m. last night that he go upstairs to sleep it off since he was too drunk to operate the t.v. remote. He obliged without any grief, but then came the 4 a.m. incident. Again, I got the strange feeling he was trying to encroach in his own bizarre way on my privacy. Almost like, "I'll get in her face 24/7 if I want to just to see how long it takes before she starts venting at me ... after all, she'd just love it if I'd go to work so she could have some time for a little peace and quiet."
Heck, he's a federal government employee and has been for the past 12 years, so he has tons of leave and at this point it would be pretty hard for his boss to fire him unless he showed up for work dead drunk.
Realistically, I know nobody here - including me - can really know what's motivating him to do what he's doing - he probably doesn't even know! But it sure is making me swallow a lot that I don't want to swallow. I want to say to him, "Just leave me the hell alone," but I won't do it because I have this feeling that's just what he's trying to get me to say.
Anyone else had an A who stays at home all the time rather than hanging in bars or staying gone for days on end?
P.S. - I'm afraid to leave the house to just get away from him for fear he'll "accidently" let my two beloved house cats out of the house and I'd come home to find out they just happened to run out and were lost. He knows how attached I am to them, and I think that's the first thing he'd do to retaliate. Kinda like how he "lost" his wedding band last month (and that's never turned up!).
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
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Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
prodigal -
My H started acting weird when I started detaching also. I think he was trying to figure out the new rules - how to get me going this time. I think it was scary for him to see that things were different. He also took a week's vacation and stayed home which he has never done before. Maybe he thought that I'd never make it through an entire week without going off on him but he was wrong - I made it and it was great !
That staring at you while you are sleeping thing would be creepy to me too.
L
My H started acting weird when I started detaching also. I think he was trying to figure out the new rules - how to get me going this time. I think it was scary for him to see that things were different. He also took a week's vacation and stayed home which he has never done before. Maybe he thought that I'd never make it through an entire week without going off on him but he was wrong - I made it and it was great !
That staring at you while you are sleeping thing would be creepy to me too.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
Prodigal,
The things that you brought up that you think he's trying to do to you are exactly what he is doing. You are detaching and he's trying to figure out the new rules and ways to cope.
I think he's staying home from work because he's too insecure to go, he wants to keep an eye on you.
Ngaire
The things that you brought up that you think he's trying to do to you are exactly what he is doing. You are detaching and he's trying to figure out the new rules and ways to cope.
I think he's staying home from work because he's too insecure to go, he wants to keep an eye on you.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 29
Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
Hi Prodigal,
My AH stays home ALL the time. I only wish he would go to bars. He's retired, and I'm just tired. You know, it's funny, I've been on this website for a couple of weeks, and I feel so much support, I'm wondering if he somehow senses I'm not so miserable anymore, and he has to get the control back. He just got off a BIG binge, drunk, disgusting and verbally abusive, for the last 4 days and nights. Anyway, it's hard to live with when you are with then 24/7. Or, any amount of time as far as I can see. Can you take your cats with you and go somewhere? If not, perhaps make sure he knows you put them in a safe place with the door shut, so they could not get out on their own.? Just a suggestion. And secondly, when he's sober, can you just come out and ask him what the heck he is doing staring at you while you are sleeping? Let him know how freaky you think that is? And that you're not happy about it? I guess that's what I would do with the one I live with. Anyway keep in mind he has to go back to work sometime. Thank goodness.....retirement is not all it is cracked up to be.
My AH stays home ALL the time. I only wish he would go to bars. He's retired, and I'm just tired. You know, it's funny, I've been on this website for a couple of weeks, and I feel so much support, I'm wondering if he somehow senses I'm not so miserable anymore, and he has to get the control back. He just got off a BIG binge, drunk, disgusting and verbally abusive, for the last 4 days and nights. Anyway, it's hard to live with when you are with then 24/7. Or, any amount of time as far as I can see. Can you take your cats with you and go somewhere? If not, perhaps make sure he knows you put them in a safe place with the door shut, so they could not get out on their own.? Just a suggestion. And secondly, when he's sober, can you just come out and ask him what the heck he is doing staring at you while you are sleeping? Let him know how freaky you think that is? And that you're not happy about it? I guess that's what I would do with the one I live with. Anyway keep in mind he has to go back to work sometime. Thank goodness.....retirement is not all it is cracked up to be.
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Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
Exactly on target with what went through my mind awhile ago - CONTROL!
The thing is, I'm married to one of those classic passive-aggressives - the type with perfect manners in public (and everybody's parents just loves him -yack!). Yeah, I was formulating something to do with control, and you spelled it out perfectly for me. I've been on these boards for a few weeks, and I'm a lot calmer than I was before I got here. I also believe beyond all else that I am NOT responsible for his drinking. I think that has his jockey's in a knot because he's trying to blame me for something - anything - and he's coming up empty.
The thing is, I'm married to one of those classic passive-aggressives - the type with perfect manners in public (and everybody's parents just loves him -yack!). Yeah, I was formulating something to do with control, and you spelled it out perfectly for me. I've been on these boards for a few weeks, and I'm a lot calmer than I was before I got here. I also believe beyond all else that I am NOT responsible for his drinking. I think that has his jockey's in a knot because he's trying to blame me for something - anything - and he's coming up empty.
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Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
No answers Prodigal but that would creep me out too! My husband never goes out either and when he gets really going he will wander at night. That worries me because I he could break something or burn something.
I do know tho, when WE change it does get their knickers in a knot. It is really an interesting experiment in human behavior. And it can be highly entertaining!
Best to you,
JT
I do know tho, when WE change it does get their knickers in a knot. It is really an interesting experiment in human behavior. And it can be highly entertaining!
Best to you,
JT
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
Wow -- yes, the night time staring would creep me out too. I notice a lot of new people posting -- I haven't been around much these last few weeks. Welcome, and nice to meet you!
Just Tired -- My H does the night-time wandering thing, too. Hasn't happened in a couple of months (knock wood) but it used to happen a lot -- he seems to be half-asleep when he does it, but it is only after a heavy amount of drinking. He has broken things, and at one point was peeing all over the apartment -- in the laundry bin, under the sink, in the closet, on the nightstand, etc. I'd wake up and find that he had wandered out and fallen asleep in some random place, after having peed. He generally has no recollection of any of this happening -- and the few times I've "woken" him up when it happened, he was furious at me. It's freaky and scary when that happens.
Good thing he "doesn't have a drinking problem", hmm?
Just Tired -- My H does the night-time wandering thing, too. Hasn't happened in a couple of months (knock wood) but it used to happen a lot -- he seems to be half-asleep when he does it, but it is only after a heavy amount of drinking. He has broken things, and at one point was peeing all over the apartment -- in the laundry bin, under the sink, in the closet, on the nightstand, etc. I'd wake up and find that he had wandered out and fallen asleep in some random place, after having peed. He generally has no recollection of any of this happening -- and the few times I've "woken" him up when it happened, he was furious at me. It's freaky and scary when that happens.
Good thing he "doesn't have a drinking problem", hmm?
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Re: A's current behavior-bizarre? weird? scarey?
take the cats with you, and go for a ride, this way you know that they are safe in their carrier, and you can get a little piece of mind. I have 2 cats that are my babies, and my bf would be dead if anything happened to them. 
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