euchella

I posted a long while back as I was trying to decide if I wanted to risk moving back home with my mostly wonderful but alcoholic husband, and I did move home in October. I was wearing blinders, and I discovered five months later he was drinking every morning while I was at work and he was supposed to be, and then [I] asked him to leave after learning he was having an affair with a lovely young woman I knew and had liked. It is almost six weeks later, and I have not seen him in five weeks, although we communicate infrequently. Here is my dilemma: he, as well as some alcoholics, say the infideltiy is a result of the alcoholism. But he had pursued women before this, even when he was in a dry period, but never had a full blown physical affair--just emotional obsessions. I still love him, like a fool, I suppose, and a common one. He is going to out patient rehabilitation, and he takes full responsibilty for our breakup after thirty one years, twenty-five of which were not alcohol damaged. Our twenty-one year old daughter tells me I do not deserve what he has dished out, and she thinks I shouldn't even consider him as my husband ever again, even suggesting I "see other men." Am I looking at a man who is simply a womanizer, who allowed alcohol to take him where he already was going? Or am I looking at a man who, if he can recover from alcoholism, may become someone I can again trust? I don't even know what I want anymore regarding my husband, though i miss many aspects of our life together. I know I never again want to go through learning of other women in his life. Seasoned and experienced as well as gutt instinct advice is welcome.

euchella

Do you have any advice?

Bob936

Euchella:

I'm sorry that you are suffering pain and heartache. I'm not the most seasoned or experienced person, but I've been down the same road with my AW.

You've got a double whammy problem - alcoholism and infidelity. You're suffering all of the insanity and chaos that comes with alcoholism and the betrayal that comes with infidelity. In my opinion, a man doesn't take up with another woman because of alcohol. Even though he is drunk, he knows the difference between right and wrong.

I can't tell you how to solve your problems. You'll have to make your own decisions.

If you have not already done so, I suggest that you find an Al-Anon group that you like and attend regularly. Read all of the Al-Anon literature. Learn about detachment and setting boundaries. Stick with Al-Anon for a few months and then make a decision.

Your daughter's advise to "see other men" is not good. I suggest that you maintain your integrity and fidelity as long as you are married.

euchella

Your compasson is a comfort, and your advice goes with my own instincts. Integrity and loyalty are everything to me.

LexieCat

I second Bob's advice. Your head is spinning right now. Get to Al-Anon, get your head clear, take some time to process everything that has been going on. There is no emergency here. Keep the focus on YOU and what YOU want out of life.

Different people have different tolerances for infidelity that has occurred in the past. Right now you don't even know if he is committed to recovery. IF he takes his recovery very, very seriously, as the life-and-death matter that it is, they he MAY do the work necessary to change the aspects of his personality that led to the affair. I know men that have done this. If all he makes are surface changes, then I would be leery, myself, about how trustworthy he would be.

Only time and recovery--his and yours--can answer the question.

euchella

There is wisdom in your response, and Ia ppreciate its measured tone, one I think that can help me.

AnvilheadII

for me personally cheating is cheating. period. you go elsewhere, it's over. I go elsewhere, it's over. if you "need" to stray, then you aren't getting what you need HERE, and you aren't appreciating what I have to offer. and that's fine....go, do what you gotta do, don't even think of trying to make it up to me and come back. I was here all along....thhhpppp.

euchella

and I think you did a great job imitating a "raspberry." The kindness of people on this forum who respond is pretty touching.