Bakersfield

Hi,

I am about to marry a wonderful man whose father became an alcoholic about 12 years ago. When my fiance was growing up, his father was not an alcoholic (though his father's father was an alcoholic and died as a result). When my fiance was in 12th grade, his parents separated and then his father started drinking very heavily. He has experienced periods of sobriety but is now completely disabled (nerve damage and drawing disability) and pretty much intelligible by noon. He lives with a cousin who takes care of him and his mother. This same cousin watched her father die from alcoholism (my fiance's father's uncle).

I am so lost. I would really appreciate anyone who can point me to resources for adult children of alcoholics, but where the parent didn't start drinking until later in life. Or, am I being too narrow? I just don't know what to do. I would like to read more on the subject so I can point my fiance to some literature that would be helpful and so I know how to support my future father in law and future husband.

I think the cousin is a saint and has done more of her share and that we should take my fiance's father as soon as we are able to. When that happens, I would like to be educated about dealing with this disease, what my boundaries should be as a daughter in law, and how to support my husband.

Every time I think about him dying early as a result of his alcoholism, I just break down. My fiance is an only child and I think he will be devastated to lose his father. I want my future children to know him. He is a smart, funny, and wonderful man but we don't know how to help him. Unfortunately, my fiance is overwhelmed by all of this (understandably) and just kind of goes numb and tries to ignore it.

Resources recommendations? What should I do? Am I being too intrusive?

LexieCat

I think Al-Anon would be the most helpful resource for your fiancé, and for you (since your FIL's drinking will affect you, too). Adult Children resources are more geared toward the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home.

I would think twice (or more than twice) about bringing your FIL into your home. I don't think you have any idea how bad that particular scene can be--and if you hope to have children someday (as you indicated that you do), having a drunk grandfather in the house is a horrible way to grow up. Do you really want to expose them to that--day in and day out?

The cousin may be a "saint" but providing a comfortable living situation for an alcoholic isn't usually the best thing for the alcoholic. Why should he ever attempt to get well if all his needs are cared for? Twelve years of drinking can do a lot of damage, but it isn't the same as drinking for decades. My own drinking developed later in life, and I drank alcoholically for about ten years. Recovery took a lot of effort, but people who drank for decades get well, too.

There are some excellent resources for educating yourself about the disease and about recovery from it. Two that I recommend pertaining to alcoholism are Under the Influence and the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.

Bakersfield

Thanks so much for your answer, Lexie. His moving in with us is not something either of us want but due to his disability, he really can't be on his own. I know that this is horribly naive, but we have to try to help before we can turn our backs on him. If he is still drinking when we start a family, he will not be staying with us. My fiance is adamant about that.

I will definitely look into Al Anon and I am going to order us the books you mention right now.

I just don't want him to always regret not trying to help his dad. At least we can try. If there were any other way, we would do it. We can't afford to put him up in his own place (and he needs live in care) and I know it is going to put tremendous stress on us and our marriage. I am just going to try for as long as we can handle it.