Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: North Dakota - yes, really!
Posts: 17
Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Those words are the ones I thought of (and more but they are R rated) when I witnessed my A's drunken behavior last night and what I saw when I woke up this morning.
Last night wasn't a typical evening for us. Yeah, he drank and that's typical. What wasn't typical was the amount and the time he came home. He went to visit some relatives who were in town for the evening and had planned to talk to another recovering alcoholic in our neighborhood. I was pretty sure that he would drink. I was right but what I didn't know was that he would come home at 2:00 in the morning, almost four hours after he said he'd be home soon. He was drunker than he's been in years. I felt like his mother telling him to go back to bed when he was stumbling around at 3:30 in the morning. I even had to go sleep on the couch due to the rotten stench in our bedroom. Why should I have to go elsewhere to sleep? That really ticks me off.
I went to my first Alanon meeting on Monday evening. It was great and and I can't wait to go back again. My huge problem right now is detachment. How to do it, does it work, etc. I heard that evening the phrases "detachment with love" and "detachment with courtesy".
HELLO??!! I knew on Monday night that it would be a difficult process because I love him so much but so hate the drinking. After last night and this morning, I don't see how I can detach with love or courtesy when all I feel is bitterness, anger, and disappointment.
I am so tired of broken promises and disappointment. I am working very hard not to spend my time and energy being consumed with his problem. But doesn't it become my problem when I worry about what he's doing, when he's coming home, if he's coming home? How can you turn that/those feelings off?
He hasn't shown up at my work yet this morning. When he does, he'll cry, apologize, whatever. I listen but I don't believe. I can't forgive him. His drinking is getting more frequent and is affecting more and more of our life, family, and marriage.
I'm not looking for answers to my questions as I know there probably aren't any but advice and support would be greatly appreciated.
Laura M
Last night wasn't a typical evening for us. Yeah, he drank and that's typical. What wasn't typical was the amount and the time he came home. He went to visit some relatives who were in town for the evening and had planned to talk to another recovering alcoholic in our neighborhood. I was pretty sure that he would drink. I was right but what I didn't know was that he would come home at 2:00 in the morning, almost four hours after he said he'd be home soon. He was drunker than he's been in years. I felt like his mother telling him to go back to bed when he was stumbling around at 3:30 in the morning. I even had to go sleep on the couch due to the rotten stench in our bedroom. Why should I have to go elsewhere to sleep? That really ticks me off.
I went to my first Alanon meeting on Monday evening. It was great and and I can't wait to go back again. My huge problem right now is detachment. How to do it, does it work, etc. I heard that evening the phrases "detachment with love" and "detachment with courtesy".
HELLO??!! I knew on Monday night that it would be a difficult process because I love him so much but so hate the drinking. After last night and this morning, I don't see how I can detach with love or courtesy when all I feel is bitterness, anger, and disappointment.
I am so tired of broken promises and disappointment. I am working very hard not to spend my time and energy being consumed with his problem. But doesn't it become my problem when I worry about what he's doing, when he's coming home, if he's coming home? How can you turn that/those feelings off?
He hasn't shown up at my work yet this morning. When he does, he'll cry, apologize, whatever. I listen but I don't believe. I can't forgive him. His drinking is getting more frequent and is affecting more and more of our life, family, and marriage.
I'm not looking for answers to my questions as I know there probably aren't any but advice and support would be greatly appreciated.
Laura M
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cicero ny
Posts: 65
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Laura, for me I guess I have accepted the fact that he's not going to change and I can't change him. All I can do is change me. I am learning to change the way I deal with his drinking. I too am tired of the disappointment, so rather than get disappointed, I get busy. You have to understand that they will say they won't drink, but you know that they really will drink. Try to focus on something that you like to do. When my AH drinks, I go to a friends house, go to the movies or just go to the mall. I am not going to let his drinking interfere with my life anymore. This is his problem, not mine. I'm tired of cancelling plans because of him. This doesn't mean that I don't love him, but I am taking care of me now. I'm not mean to him or threaten him. I just try to ignore what he does. Try to turn your focus on you and live life for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Hugs Laura -
Detachment, for me, was a hard process but I had to do it because otherwise I felt like I would go crazy. I couldn't stand the situation I was in but, for the life of me, I couldn't leave it. It made no sense to me and I was SO confused.
Detaching with love was even harder. For me, I had to become real selfish for a while. I figured if I couldn't detach with love, I would just detach with hatred. It is surprising though that after I did that for a while, it was easier to understand and move into the detaching with compassion process. I think that I was so eaten up with all that had happened in our marriage that I had to step back from it, access it, look at it with new eyes. Once I did that, I could see the marriage as it was - alcohol or not. That made it easier for me. I don't think I would have been able to do that as long as I was so consumed with him and his drinking.
It is a process and it did work for me. Everyone and every situation is different but I hope that helped.
L
Detachment, for me, was a hard process but I had to do it because otherwise I felt like I would go crazy. I couldn't stand the situation I was in but, for the life of me, I couldn't leave it. It made no sense to me and I was SO confused.
Detaching with love was even harder. For me, I had to become real selfish for a while. I figured if I couldn't detach with love, I would just detach with hatred. It is surprising though that after I did that for a while, it was easier to understand and move into the detaching with compassion process. I think that I was so eaten up with all that had happened in our marriage that I had to step back from it, access it, look at it with new eyes. Once I did that, I could see the marriage as it was - alcohol or not. That made it easier for me. I don't think I would have been able to do that as long as I was so consumed with him and his drinking.
It is a process and it did work for me. Everyone and every situation is different but I hope that helped.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Laura,
Detachment didn't work for me until I got a firm grip on what was in my hands and what was out of my hands. Most of it was out of my hands. Whether or not he drank, whether or not he came home, whether or not he showed up at work...those were all out of my hands.
The only thing that was in my hands was how I was going to react to what he was doing. It took a LONG time for it to sink into my thick head that we really do choose how to react. It took a little re-programming on my part too, because it was a knee-jerk reaction for me to get angry when he screwed up time after time after time.
Peace,
Gabe
Detachment didn't work for me until I got a firm grip on what was in my hands and what was out of my hands. Most of it was out of my hands. Whether or not he drank, whether or not he came home, whether or not he showed up at work...those were all out of my hands.
The only thing that was in my hands was how I was going to react to what he was doing. It took a LONG time for it to sink into my thick head that we really do choose how to react. It took a little re-programming on my part too, because it was a knee-jerk reaction for me to get angry when he screwed up time after time after time.
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Laura,
I can only offer hugs and support. I feel terrible reading that as you see I was the A in my marriage. I couldn't figure out why hubby was alway's sleeping on the couch as we don't smell ourselves. But OMG! Now sober, I can understand why he did now. Just the slightest smell of it when he has his one drink every few months reeks! I found my way Laura and I can only offer prayers hubby will to. I'd keep encouraging him to visit with the recovering friend, or even invite him over for a sober bar-b-que.
Out of curiosity, has he said he's willing to quit? Find help? Seek out a means of support? Or is he simply not ready? Your in my prayers.
I can only offer hugs and support. I feel terrible reading that as you see I was the A in my marriage. I couldn't figure out why hubby was alway's sleeping on the couch as we don't smell ourselves. But OMG! Now sober, I can understand why he did now. Just the slightest smell of it when he has his one drink every few months reeks! I found my way Laura and I can only offer prayers hubby will to. I'd keep encouraging him to visit with the recovering friend, or even invite him over for a sober bar-b-que.
Out of curiosity, has he said he's willing to quit? Find help? Seek out a means of support? Or is he simply not ready? Your in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Dear Laura,
I am so glad that you are able to go to meetings - keep going!
I, too, hate the disappointment and the never knowing when you should trust and believe in what they will say. Just when you have a comfort level that they are working hard and you think "they wouldn't do that to me", they do. My husband also tells me he will be home at a certain time on a regular basis, and if he does not show up, I know what is going on.
Believe it or not, my relationship with my A has gotten somewhat better since I have been trying the detatchment thing. It is very hard and frustrating, however. You are very lucky that you can get out to meetings, I can not as I have small children, so I just depend on what I can get here. Just keep trying, and trust me, it will get so much better.
This does not mean you do not have a right to be angry, however, and express your opinion! Just tell us, or you can even tell him when he is sober and it is a good time. But don't count on him to have an appropriate reaction (this is something else I've learned!).
I do not have the answers, but just know that we support you and there is always backup for you here!
Hugs,
2nd Best
I am so glad that you are able to go to meetings - keep going!
I, too, hate the disappointment and the never knowing when you should trust and believe in what they will say. Just when you have a comfort level that they are working hard and you think "they wouldn't do that to me", they do. My husband also tells me he will be home at a certain time on a regular basis, and if he does not show up, I know what is going on.
Believe it or not, my relationship with my A has gotten somewhat better since I have been trying the detatchment thing. It is very hard and frustrating, however. You are very lucky that you can get out to meetings, I can not as I have small children, so I just depend on what I can get here. Just keep trying, and trust me, it will get so much better.
This does not mean you do not have a right to be angry, however, and express your opinion! Just tell us, or you can even tell him when he is sober and it is a good time. But don't count on him to have an appropriate reaction (this is something else I've learned!).
I do not have the answers, but just know that we support you and there is always backup for you here!
Hugs,
2nd Best
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
hey laura, hang in there. detachment is hard, but rewarding. and that's not to say i have it all figured out. but i guess what i've learned is that things couldn't get worse, and i find that i feel so much better for the trying. it sounds like you do love him. i, too, love my husband. i hate the booze. i hate what it does to him and us. i hate that my kids live in this wierd environment and have to learn about this problem and the potential they have to deal with it when they are older. but the love for him and the pain i see him endure because of this addiction is the thing that helps me have compassion. i still have major frustration at times, but i can certainly recognize this isn't the life he would choose if he still had the choice. once he's had the first one.... well, we all know that scenario. and i know he'd like things to be different, that helps too. i can love him and go about life without him because it's necessary, and know that when he's available, he's a pretty good guy. drinking makes him ugly and scary sometimes and very mean. i have to detach from that! i can make good choices for me and my kids and we have a pretty comfortable life right now. next month? who knows, it may be time to leave, but i leave that to God to decide and ask him to holler it to me, when/if it's to be. till then, i come here and go to meetings and take a deep breath every morning and think..... i can do this. don't know if that helps...... prayer does, though, and i'll pray for you, too.
Pam
Pam
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: North Dakota - yes, really!
Posts: 17
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Thanks so much for all the replies so far. Since I wrote, he has called me 3 times. The first time, crying, saying he wouldn't make it today. Meaning he would drink. We own a business and he is scheduled to work there today and then go to his "real job" this evening. He's a police officer in our itty bitty town where everybody knows everybody's business. The 2nd phone call, he sounded better, indicated that he'd be fine and I shouldn't worry. That's like asking me not to breathe. The last phone call he said that he was going to call one of our employees to work for him and then go home. And do what, I asked? Cry. Crap, if he sits at home all afternoon, good chance he'll drink and then what happens to his job?
Detachment sucks but I know it's necessary. I've been very calm with him on the phone and only once did I give him advice on what to do (ask someone for help). He talked about visiting with my dad and holy cow, is that a whole other story. My dad would not be at all nice to him. Could get down right ugly but my A felt like he needed to be verbally beaten, that maybe that would help him today.
Chy, he has already been in treatment (2 or 3 years ago, was so important at the time, now seems like a big joke). I think he was truly sober for about 6 months. Every time I've asked him what his "plan" is for stopping, he says he works his program in his own way and refuses to call somebody or go to a meeting. Yesterday he called his buddy who's been sober for years and reached out to another A who recently got out of treatment. Today, he asked that I not call anybody to go talk to him. Hey, dude, ain't gonna happen. Not my responsibility. He said that he will NEVER go back to treatment.
Thanks, 2ndbest, for telling me that I can still be angry and give my opinion. I learned a long time ago that I only do those things if he's sober. Just a total waste of energy to do it otherwise. Problem is, the next time he drinks, he forgets what we talked about, and is quite insistent that I repeat it for the kabillionth time.
McTired/Happy, it is so hard for me to feel compassion towards him. I know it is a disease, I do believe that, but I also believe that somewhere in his mind/body/soul/heart, he can chose not to drink. He's able to do it when he has to work at the PD. He knows that it wouldn't be a good choice. So, he can make a choice. I get so tired battling him on a daily basis. One alanon meeting has really helped a lot. I did what I wanted to last night with very little worrying as I knew exactly what he was up to. Oh yea, just remembered. I checked his wallet this morning for money (not for me, I know, it's wrong, I'll go in timeout) and I found $55 next to his wallet. I hid it. Not in a hard place but I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to remember that he had it. Cruel? Yes. Heinous? Nah. Will he forgive me? Absolutely. Did it make me feel better? A little (gave me a little smile just typing it).
I have to work at our store this evening, I want to spend some time with my son before then. I will plan on doing that, no matter what. If I really had a choice, I'd go to a meeting but it's a couple of hours away. I'll just have to get in as much as I can from here before I go to work, and get back on after work.
I'll be home for lunch in an hour and it will be interesting to see what's going on. I don't have the energy to comfort him and console him and reassure him. He can't do it for me, either. I need it as much as he does, don't I? Gonna blubber, so better close.
Thanks again for everything. It's helped a bunch already.
Laura M
Detachment sucks but I know it's necessary. I've been very calm with him on the phone and only once did I give him advice on what to do (ask someone for help). He talked about visiting with my dad and holy cow, is that a whole other story. My dad would not be at all nice to him. Could get down right ugly but my A felt like he needed to be verbally beaten, that maybe that would help him today.
Chy, he has already been in treatment (2 or 3 years ago, was so important at the time, now seems like a big joke). I think he was truly sober for about 6 months. Every time I've asked him what his "plan" is for stopping, he says he works his program in his own way and refuses to call somebody or go to a meeting. Yesterday he called his buddy who's been sober for years and reached out to another A who recently got out of treatment. Today, he asked that I not call anybody to go talk to him. Hey, dude, ain't gonna happen. Not my responsibility. He said that he will NEVER go back to treatment.
Thanks, 2ndbest, for telling me that I can still be angry and give my opinion. I learned a long time ago that I only do those things if he's sober. Just a total waste of energy to do it otherwise. Problem is, the next time he drinks, he forgets what we talked about, and is quite insistent that I repeat it for the kabillionth time.
McTired/Happy, it is so hard for me to feel compassion towards him. I know it is a disease, I do believe that, but I also believe that somewhere in his mind/body/soul/heart, he can chose not to drink. He's able to do it when he has to work at the PD. He knows that it wouldn't be a good choice. So, he can make a choice. I get so tired battling him on a daily basis. One alanon meeting has really helped a lot. I did what I wanted to last night with very little worrying as I knew exactly what he was up to. Oh yea, just remembered. I checked his wallet this morning for money (not for me, I know, it's wrong, I'll go in timeout) and I found $55 next to his wallet. I hid it. Not in a hard place but I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to remember that he had it. Cruel? Yes. Heinous? Nah. Will he forgive me? Absolutely. Did it make me feel better? A little (gave me a little smile just typing it).
I have to work at our store this evening, I want to spend some time with my son before then. I will plan on doing that, no matter what. If I really had a choice, I'd go to a meeting but it's a couple of hours away. I'll just have to get in as much as I can from here before I go to work, and get back on after work.
I'll be home for lunch in an hour and it will be interesting to see what's going on. I don't have the energy to comfort him and console him and reassure him. He can't do it for me, either. I need it as much as he does, don't I? Gonna blubber, so better close.
Thanks again for everything. It's helped a bunch already.
Laura M
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
I have great admiration for you Al-Anoners, doing whatever it takes to maintain your relationships while dealing with the disease. Truly, you all are remarkable people!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Laura, you and I are not so far apart, mine is a firefighter, and the professionalism of the job..... well, it's really quite laughable, isn't it, who we are trusting our protection to? But my H seems to handle the job still for now. Tho, there have been times he's gone to work and still stunk of the night before, as far as I know his drinking hasn't become a problem at work. They get to enjoy the sober, responsible person I've so seldom seen the past 4-5 years. I guess where I'm lucky is that my husband CAN be nice, and still is on occasion. About a year ago I was quite ready to leave, had been dished all the verbal garbage and abuse I could deal with, and was quite done feeling threatened and frightened. I did lay down a few boundaries that have been honored since, but one never knows when the drink will win over those, too. This site has become my sanity and haven. I admire those who've been in recovery for far longer than I and seem to have serenity that I so crave. So I'm trying to work the program and follow their lead. Maybe you and I can support eachother in this worthwhile cause? Much prayer to you, my friend.
Pam
Pam
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: North Dakota - yes, really!
Posts: 17
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Hi Pam,
I know that alcoholism affects all types of professions but why does it appear to be harder on the spouses of those in our H's line of work? He works in 3 hours and I'm sure he still reeks! Like I said earlier, he can chose not to drink on the days he has to work the PD, so doesn't that mean he can make a conscious decision to drink or not?And I agree, their coworkers get to see the men we fell in love with while we get the other side, more often than we'd like. He just called and says he's doing much better. Whatever the heck that means. We'll get an hour and a half together b/4 I have to go to our store. I have zero expectations about that time together. I have a feeling that he's going to want to be physical to make up for last night. Ish. That's another topic for another thread. "Why do they think that if they satisfy you, it allows them to go out and drink, golf, hunt, fish, whatever?"
My husband is a wonderful person when he's sober. He's kind and giving to everybody, affectionate and romantic with me. I have talked to him about leaving but I know that I won't. He said when he's sober, the idea scares the crap out of him but if he heard it when he's drinking, he wouldn't care. No point going there, I guess.
I would love for you and I to support each other. I can only get to one Alanon meeting a week and I am counting on this site to help me keep my sanity and maybe working together, we can have the elusive serenity that I keep hearing about. I may not get back on until after 9:00 pm tonight (central time). I will check back then. Hope you have a good night! Later!!!
Laura
I know that alcoholism affects all types of professions but why does it appear to be harder on the spouses of those in our H's line of work? He works in 3 hours and I'm sure he still reeks! Like I said earlier, he can chose not to drink on the days he has to work the PD, so doesn't that mean he can make a conscious decision to drink or not?And I agree, their coworkers get to see the men we fell in love with while we get the other side, more often than we'd like. He just called and says he's doing much better. Whatever the heck that means. We'll get an hour and a half together b/4 I have to go to our store. I have zero expectations about that time together. I have a feeling that he's going to want to be physical to make up for last night. Ish. That's another topic for another thread. "Why do they think that if they satisfy you, it allows them to go out and drink, golf, hunt, fish, whatever?"
My husband is a wonderful person when he's sober. He's kind and giving to everybody, affectionate and romantic with me. I have talked to him about leaving but I know that I won't. He said when he's sober, the idea scares the crap out of him but if he heard it when he's drinking, he wouldn't care. No point going there, I guess.
I would love for you and I to support each other. I can only get to one Alanon meeting a week and I am counting on this site to help me keep my sanity and maybe working together, we can have the elusive serenity that I keep hearing about. I may not get back on until after 9:00 pm tonight (central time). I will check back then. Hope you have a good night! Later!!!
Laura
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
I think it is the job itself (24 hour shifts) which has let our marriage survive at all. Those "breaks" have afforded me the time to regain what is lost when he's around and drinking. It lets the kids and I be a complete family without "missing teeth" (gaps without a father) and I can breath easy for the entire time knowing he's not "out there" possibly drinking and driving and endangering others. Truly the kids have noticed I am a different person during those 24 hours. I feel younger and carefree. To those who have to deal with this disease every day, my heart goes out to you. That might indeed drive me insane. But I guess God knew what I needed and I am so thankful for those brief respites! Drinking does necessarily go with the job (firefighting), but not alcoholism, I don't think. Although many are "addictive personalities", they channel their energy into mostly positive stuff. (sigh) Not my H, I'm afraid. He's a haunted "hero".
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Laura, yours is a policeman. McHappy, yours is a firefighter. Mine's a teacher and coach! The neighborhood would be going to hell in a handbasket quick with these three on the job if we all lived in the same town! I don't understand how they can even think about letting drinking affect their jobs and standing in the community.
What I also don't get is how such loving, caring, compassionate people on the job can have such destructive tendencies in all other areas. I guess alcoholism really does not discriminate.
It is the fact that he is such a good person (when sober) that keeps me going (for now). But who knows what will happen tomorrow.
Just sharing, don't really have any words of wisdom at the moment. Please hang in there and vent with us when neccessary!
What I also don't get is how such loving, caring, compassionate people on the job can have such destructive tendencies in all other areas. I guess alcoholism really does not discriminate.
It is the fact that he is such a good person (when sober) that keeps me going (for now). But who knows what will happen tomorrow.
Just sharing, don't really have any words of wisdom at the moment. Please hang in there and vent with us when neccessary!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: North Dakota - yes, really!
Posts: 17
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
It is so true that alcoholism doesn't discriminate. Living in a small town seems to make it that much harder. My husband went to work this evening but is having a difficult time. He told me earlier this evening that he contemplated suicide just to make it all end. I know that we (the spouses) will never truly understand the feelings they experience. I have been amazingly calm this afternoon and evening considering everything that has happened in the last 24 hours. I am looking forward to climbing into bed and reading my alanon books and other literature. We will be spending the day together tomorrow as I have a consultation with a surgeon (nothing serious). I'm hoping that getting away for the day will help him forget for a few hours although tonight he said he wished he didn't have to go. I guess we'll see what the morning brings. One day at a time is so true although there are times when one minute at a time is more appropriate. I have really appreciated the responses to my first post. I look at it now and feel a bit guilty for being so hard on my husband but at the time, those were my feelings. They still are but they have lessened as the day has gone on. It's late and I'm off to bed with my clean puppies (bath last night) and my books. Good night to all and I'll be back tomorrow. Sleep well.
Laura
Laura
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: North Dakota - yes, really!
Posts: 17
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Back again. 2ndbest, Pam, and amarie, you would think that their positions in the community would be some sort of deterent to purchasing alcohol and drinking in public. Our dinky little town, which I love 99% of the time, knows about my husband. Some have gossiped about seeing him entering the liquor store at 10:00 in the morning. Others have commented on the smell of alcohol on him. I relay these comments to him, hoping it will allow him to see what he is doing, not only to his reputation, but mine as well. Throw in the fact that we own a business in town, where we both work, at times he's drinking there as well. What a flippin' mess! It's true that nothing but themselves will get them to stop. Not gossip, threats, pleading, etc. It's also amazing to me how much this site and my single alanon meeting has helped me the last two days. My attitude towards my husband has changed. I have been assertive in my beliefs about my program and his responsibilities. I have even been compassionate when he's obviously suffering. Man, I make a great wife! Okay, really, it's time for bed; after 11:00 here. I could write a book, I think. I started a journal awhile ago but it was basically a place to vent since I hadn't been to an alanon meeting yet and this web site wasn't making much sense to me then. The journal will be used again but for a different purpose. I will record my thoughts about me, my reactions to events and how I handled them. List things I'm grateful for (at the top of the list tonight will be soberrecovery and all of the wonderful people who take the time to write and respond. Sharing of ourselves really does help. I should write a book! Good night all.
Laura
Okay, really, it's time for bed; after 11:00 here. I could write a book, I think. I started a journal awhile ago but it was basically a place to vent since I hadn't been to an alanon meeting yet and this web site wasn't making much sense to me then. The journal will be used again but for a different purpose. I will record my thoughts about me, my reactions to events and how I handled them. List things I'm grateful for (at the top of the list tonight will be soberrecovery and all of the wonderful people who take the time to write and respond. Sharing of ourselves really does help. I should write a book! Good night all.Laura
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: right here
Posts: 39
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Hi Laura,
I'm just reading your story and shaking my head in agreement because so many things you've said have happened in my marriage as well. Funny that way. I just wanted to say that I suspect nothing you tell him or say to him about others noticing his alcoholism could make him feel worse than he already does. I know when my AH got sober, he convinced me of that right away. Nobody felt worse about his behavoir than he did and he knew that everyone else knew.
Hang in there!
I'm just reading your story and shaking my head in agreement because so many things you've said have happened in my marriage as well. Funny that way. I just wanted to say that I suspect nothing you tell him or say to him about others noticing his alcoholism could make him feel worse than he already does. I know when my AH got sober, he convinced me of that right away. Nobody felt worse about his behavoir than he did and he knew that everyone else knew.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Hello Laura M,
I think no matter where we live if we knew the number of people who we see and depend on everyday were alcoholics we would be shocked. They are functioning alcoholics. It amazes me how many people that my husband knows will tell me what a great guy he is. Well, sober he is most of the time. Having to live with the disease side tends to change our opinions though. This has been a eyeopening post. I can always use more eyeopenings!!!
I think no matter where we live if we knew the number of people who we see and depend on everyday were alcoholics we would be shocked. They are functioning alcoholics. It amazes me how many people that my husband knows will tell me what a great guy he is. Well, sober he is most of the time. Having to live with the disease side tends to change our opinions though. This has been a eyeopening post. I can always use more eyeopenings!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: North Dakota - yes, really!
Posts: 17
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Hi all,
Man, what a great load of information in these posts. I started off venting and ending up learning. Who would have thought of that? Not me. This site is a wonderful place to vent, get help, and learn. I'm glad I discovered it and intend to keep on coming back.
My A is doing great today. Where have I heard that before? I saw him at lunch and reminded him of how he felt the other day, when he would have rather died than gone on feeling the way he did. He asked me to do that today because he isn't working the PD, only our store until 10:00 pm tonight. Having the day off from the PD has always been a drinking day for him. So far, so good. I know now not to get my hopes up too high because every time, I mean every time, I do, I get disappointed. Gets real old, real fast.
When I talked to him about starting an Alanon group in our town, and making sure that it wasn't on men's golf night, he said that wouldn't matter as none of those men would want to go. HELLO? I had to remind him that women are alcoholics, too, and the men in their lives need help just like women partners of male alcoholics. I agree with "matters" regarding the fact that we would be shocked if we knew how many functioning alcoholics there are in our town. Scary, scary thought.
I know this thread will eventually burn out and die. I plan on copying these messages and keeping them to read again when I need to be reminded of the support that I've gotten in this ugly time of my life. And to make matters worse, maybe, I'm also going to quit smoking on Monday. I posted on the nicotine thread and now am an official member of the un-smokers club. Cool, huh? Wish me luck on that as well.
I'm going to cruise the boards now and see if I can be an ear for somebody else who needs it. You guys are all great and I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Laura
Man, what a great load of information in these posts. I started off venting and ending up learning. Who would have thought of that? Not me. This site is a wonderful place to vent, get help, and learn. I'm glad I discovered it and intend to keep on coming back.
My A is doing great today. Where have I heard that before? I saw him at lunch and reminded him of how he felt the other day, when he would have rather died than gone on feeling the way he did. He asked me to do that today because he isn't working the PD, only our store until 10:00 pm tonight. Having the day off from the PD has always been a drinking day for him. So far, so good. I know now not to get my hopes up too high because every time, I mean every time, I do, I get disappointed. Gets real old, real fast.
When I talked to him about starting an Alanon group in our town, and making sure that it wasn't on men's golf night, he said that wouldn't matter as none of those men would want to go. HELLO? I had to remind him that women are alcoholics, too, and the men in their lives need help just like women partners of male alcoholics. I agree with "matters" regarding the fact that we would be shocked if we knew how many functioning alcoholics there are in our town. Scary, scary thought.
I know this thread will eventually burn out and die. I plan on copying these messages and keeping them to read again when I need to be reminded of the support that I've gotten in this ugly time of my life. And to make matters worse, maybe, I'm also going to quit smoking on Monday. I posted on the nicotine thread and now am an official member of the un-smokers club. Cool, huh? Wish me luck on that as well.
I'm going to cruise the boards now and see if I can be an ear for somebody else who needs it. You guys are all great and I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Laura
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: right here
Posts: 39
Re: Pathetic, ugly, smelly, untrustworthy, gross, nasty, pitiful, you get the idea
Laura -- Good luck with detachment and with quitting smoking. In my experience, quitting smoking is tough (I stopped four months ago) but detachment is far, far mre difficult! Just when I think I've got the hang of it, I find myself right back in a trap. For me, it's going to be a matter of losing all of those ideals and stereotypes of what my marriage is supposed to be and trying to focus on what it is and what it is not. It's hard to face the truth sometimes!
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