Dealing with homeless XAH
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
For a divorced couple, you still seem very enmeshed in his business.
One of those stickies recommends that we don't do anything for them that a grown, sober person is capable of doing for themselves. In this story, I see he would be capable of finding a job, bathing himself, storing his things, maintaining a place to live, and building functional relationships with his family himself. Going no contact or minimal contact (contact to connect with your children only, which is the only thing you owe him) may be the kindest thing you've ever done for him.
I am still married to my AH, who has tried and failed at recovery with every tool and resource at his fingertips for years now. I love him from a distance and allow him to have contact with our kids, but where and how he lives is no longer my business and I actively make it my duty to separate my needs and feelings from what he's doing. He's a grown man. He makes his own life.
One of those stickies recommends that we don't do anything for them that a grown, sober person is capable of doing for themselves. In this story, I see he would be capable of finding a job, bathing himself, storing his things, maintaining a place to live, and building functional relationships with his family himself. Going no contact or minimal contact (contact to connect with your children only, which is the only thing you owe him) may be the kindest thing you've ever done for him.
I am still married to my AH, who has tried and failed at recovery with every tool and resource at his fingertips for years now. I love him from a distance and allow him to have contact with our kids, but where and how he lives is no longer my business and I actively make it my duty to separate my needs and feelings from what he's doing. He's a grown man. He makes his own life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
I just have to say this: when i was deployed to Iraq all we had was communal showers! and we would stand in other peoples grey water because the drainage was so bad. In the beginning we used a cardboard box and a chair with the seat taken out as a toilet and 1 liter water bottle as a shower. Please.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
In the beginning we used a cardboard box and a chair with the seat taken out as a toilet and 1 liter water bottle as a shower. Please.
pattyG,
Thank you for your service.
The worst I ever had it was a port a potty in August, in GA. (Training mission 2 weeks)
In Germany, cold concrete backed up by sticky mud. Dribbly, luke warm shower.
Yep, those were the days. I got sober with the Army program. I am eternally grateful for that.
Beth
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
Yeah, but the thing is, I would complain about a homeless shelter too...I too don't want to bathe in a communal, grungy space. I begrudge my XAH many of his feelings and complaints, but, no one wants that. It is at least our right to complain. I don't know..I wanted to say, first that I thank those of you that tried to get me to see the light in a compassionate way. I feel like the situation itself is difficult enough that I don't have time for people who want to make me feel bad for feeling bad. but in my feeling bad, there has been growth. I have been researching online and found a place that will take an addict in, no money, and just ask them to repay them when they find work. I will pass that info along to my xah. I just, have always, wanted to know that there is an option to seek recovery in. I have perhaps misrepresented my ex's story in the sense that I have NEVER in the past four years excepting these last few months had an ally in his family. all I have ever wanted to feel good about laying my head down at night is the option for recovery being there for him. I feel it may be now, I feel good about it. If he ***** it up, then I did what I could and I can live with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
I am so sorry you are going through this. Im sorry for your loss and your daughter's loss. I know how hard it is to watch someone who has so much potential spiral out of control. I really dont understand it and I hate alcohol for what it does to people.
I understand why you would feel bad and sad and hurt and angry and even hateful. I have gone through all of these emotions. Ultimately, you love that person and hate what they have become, but I think like everyone here has said, step away. Take care of you and your daughter. Go to some Al-anon meetings. *BIG HUGS*
I understand why you would feel bad and sad and hurt and angry and even hateful. I have gone through all of these emotions. Ultimately, you love that person and hate what they have become, but I think like everyone here has said, step away. Take care of you and your daughter. Go to some Al-anon meetings. *BIG HUGS*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Welcome back. I'm so sorry about all of this. It's the father of your child, of course you want to help if possible.
I'm afraid there is no way to help him though. Until he is willing and able to get some real sobriety, all of your efforts to help will just go down the drain. It will harm you and take away precious emotional resources that you need for yourself and your daughter.
I think you know this and that is why you came back to SR today. We don't have to be angry and judgmental toward addicts and alcoholics. We can love them and hope for better things to come. We can feel empathy for what they are facing. But I'm just not sure there is much more that can be done for someone that blows every opportunity for a hand up that he receives.
Peace and Prayers for you, your daughter, him and his family.
Hanna
I'm afraid there is no way to help him though. Until he is willing and able to get some real sobriety, all of your efforts to help will just go down the drain. It will harm you and take away precious emotional resources that you need for yourself and your daughter.
I think you know this and that is why you came back to SR today. We don't have to be angry and judgmental toward addicts and alcoholics. We can love them and hope for better things to come. We can feel empathy for what they are facing. But I'm just not sure there is much more that can be done for someone that blows every opportunity for a hand up that he receives.
Peace and Prayers for you, your daughter, him and his family.
Hanna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I rally want to thank everybody again for your responses; they have been encouraging and enlightening. i truly do feel much better able to handle this in a non- codie way now. I am going to offer him the option of a bus ticket to the place I mentioned previously--while I understand intellectually even that is probably too much and meddling, it quells my anxiety and feels to me to be the right thing to do. I emailed the director of the program and he responded very graciously, told me " God bless you for caring" and told me there would be a bed waiting if he ever takes me up on the offer. With that option on the table, I think I will be strong enough to just shut my phone off and let him deal with all the consequences without my further intervention. I dont even think he will take me up on it, it just is easier for me if I know there is a way for him to seek recovery if he chooses. And for those who asked, I am going back to therapy, this time with my daughter. She is remarkably well adjusted about all of this but it certainly cant hurt. It helps too that I have been able to give her a new house with a loving soon-to-be stepfather who treats her as he would his own, and whom she also loves and adores. She knows she does not lack for love, and she knows her dad is sick and it isnt about her...but I do think she still likes to see him and I am grateful that before he went off the rails this last time she got to go bowling with him when he was sober.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello MamboQueen, I'm glad you have worked out something for yourself that works for you.
It is hard to know that someone you love is homeless. My stepson has been homeless while living in this city. He lived in a shelter at night, and wandered around the streets by day. He moved out of a sober living facility in another state just about 1 week + ago, is in a very tenuous living situation, and will probably be homeless again soon. He is also drinking again, we believe.
As hard as it was for us, we did nothing then and we are doing nothing now. We know that if we do something to help him (find him an apartment, pay his rent), he will never grow to be a self-sufficient adult. He is in his early 30s.
You and your daughter will be in my prayers. I hope and pray also that your former husband will find his way.
It is hard to know that someone you love is homeless. My stepson has been homeless while living in this city. He lived in a shelter at night, and wandered around the streets by day. He moved out of a sober living facility in another state just about 1 week + ago, is in a very tenuous living situation, and will probably be homeless again soon. He is also drinking again, we believe.
As hard as it was for us, we did nothing then and we are doing nothing now. We know that if we do something to help him (find him an apartment, pay his rent), he will never grow to be a self-sufficient adult. He is in his early 30s.
You and your daughter will be in my prayers. I hope and pray also that your former husband will find his way.
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