Patsy22

I've posted on here quite a bit about my alcoholic partner who died in January of liver failure. His family have been awful to me and have repeatedly said I was no longer his partner. I've spent a long time thinking today and I wonder if they were right and that was why they behaved as they did. We'd lived together for over 8 years but I was ill when he was allowed out of hospital and he went home to his mum. Ever since then they were horrible, changed his next of kin from me when he ended up in intensive care, stopped the hospital from telling all but close family (ie not me) about his condition, took his car before he died, wanted all his belongings, warned me off going to his funeral and were generally very unpleasant. They stopped me speaking to him on the phone and prevented me from seeing him over Christmas and New Year. But when I saw him which was infrequent as he was miles away in hospital by then and they wouldn't put me up he told me he loved me and he told the doctors we were engaged. I was there when he died and although the nurse said he had waited for me I wonder if that was just because he didn't care so much about upsetting me rather than them. The hospital he discharged himself from said they had to let him go because he was capable of making decisions although he was making the wrong ones and his mother told me that in the week before he was readmitted to hospital he was talking rubbish. In the final phone call we had together before he was taken ill (he rang me and had been texting a lot) he said he wanted our relationship to be like it was but that he didn't know when he would be well enough to come home. He was never really lucid to have a proper conversation after this but used to want to hold my hand when I visited and he kept asking to kiss me. His sister, although very artificial was reasonably pleasant to me until he died and seemed genuinely surprised when after she screeched at me that I wasn't welcome at the funeral because I wouldn't let her search my house for his belongings. I said I hadn't felt welcome and that I resented her saying when he died that I was his ex partner. In his funeral notice I wasn't mentioned and it implied he had been single but it didn't mention his children either. I know his head was all over the place in the last few months and as an alcoholic he compartimentalised and played people off against each other (his family admitted that) also that his family were always polite to me earlier but treated me as the outsider just as they did with his ex-wife. I've struggled with not having a tab as a widow or anything but I can't stop wondering whether we did still have a relationship or not and whether he was just agreeing with me because he could barely communicate when I asked if he did. Sorry to go on.

Tuffgirl

Patsy, I am so sorry the last few months of his life were so chaotic for you, especially in regards to his family. Instead of focusing so much on what they did and said, how about focusing on what he did in the end.

Sounds to me like he loved you, even at the very end. Wouldn't you say the same if this was someone else's words asking for validation?

As hard as it is - try to let go of his family and their behavior. It isn't about you at all.

Remember the good times.
Peace,
~T

Patsy22

Thank you. That's what I'm trying to do to focus on all the good things and despite his issues he did look after me really well when it came down to it. I was advised to buy a notebook and write down all those things but I keep coming back to the things at the end. Because I had cancer I was having counselling just before and after he died and it all came back to him and all the counselling was about his family's behaviour. Thought I had got through that bit and I could move on from their interfering in our relationship but he was still an alcoholic and he would always play people off against each other. They knew that better than me but then I think he was brought up in a home that did that. He wasn't really able to show his feelings in the end more than he did but I'm sure they chose to ignore what he was saying as they wanted to claim him as their own. I will try harder tomorrow - or actually today. Thanks T

Tuffgirl

Grief is a b*tch. Writing down all the memories of how he showed oyu he loved you is a great idea. The only other thing I can suggest is to force yourself to stop the negative ticker-tape running through your head, about him, his family, or your relationship. Refuse to allow your thoughts to go there.

Some folks here have talked of having a reminder each time they had negative thoughts - like a rubberband on the wrist or breathing deeply or making a noise. By the end of the first day, they were shocked to find out just how often they thought bad things! But over time, we can train our brains to think differently.

And lastly, Patsy, you are grieving. Be gentle with yourself. It's ok to be an emotional basketcase right now. Grief does this to us.

Patsy22

Thank you. Will try to get to bed and go to sleep now. It's the middle of the night here. Good idea about the negative thoughts. A friend's husband who is very creative made me a handmade sorry box which I had to put money into whenever I apologised to them. Nice idea, can't afford to put much in now but had been planning to give it to them but they want me to buy something for my cats.
Feel I have been a bit wearing recently but this is a lovely site and it is fantastic how you can get so much help and support from people on the other side of the world. Love and hugs and goodnight, Px
I am the sort of person though who always wants to hear the bad news first so in the end I need to know what was going on - although I accept now he is gone I probably never will. Thanks again

Tuffgirl

Never wearing. just needing a little propping up. We've all needed this from time to time, and I know his death rocked your world. My best friend died in October from liver failure due to drinking. So many unanswered questions swirl in my head every day. There is no denying how much it affected me.

I think about her every day. But I make sure when I do, its good thoughts and fond memories. I choose this...it doesn't just come naturally. But I believe this is how they would want us to remember them.

Tomorrow is a new day. Try to spend it fondly recalling all the good stuff abut him. Laugh about it. Let it lighten your heart a little. He'd want that for you.
~T

Patsy22

Thought about this more though tried not to and I 'think' what really happened is that when I said he had to wait to come home from the hospital he went to his parents in a fit of pique as it was the only other place he had to go. When he was there he regretted going and had underestimated how ill he was and that he had got himself stuck there. That's why he started ringing and texting me. His mum had wanted me back under her control so even if he was able to communicate this the old witch would have ignored it as ramblings and then conspired with his sister to cut me out. He'd done this kind of thing before usually after rows due to his drinking. The summer before we'd got back from a holiday abroad and we had a row because he was drinking and trashing the house. It wasn't a major row but I told him to go. He took this as the green light to go back to Turkey. It was the usual thing where he ignored calls and texts for the first couple of days then missed me and started ringing all the time. Although he flew to the airport just a few miles down the train line from his parents that time he didn't even pop in to see them he just rushed home. Looking back I can see this was a regular pattern, he would feel threatened, have a tantrum then regret it and want to come back. The sort of thing an irresponsible alcoholic would do. He did it when we first met and went away with his ex and has done it several times since on a smaller scale. I'll never know if this is what really happened but I guess its the best positive spin I can put on it. Old friend is coming today and I really didn't want to get out of bed. But I am going to do my best to enjoy the day and the company.

ShootingStar1

It sounds as though most of your good thoughts about him are coming from your actual experiences and your memories of times with him, and most of your doubts are coming from what other people say.

I'd say believe in yourself, believe in your memories and what you know to be true, and let the rest go. He didn't get to control his ending, and it seems as if he reached out to you as much as he could. You were the one whose hand he wanted to hold, and you were the one he wanted with him when he went.

I don't know if you need much more than that to feel loved as best as he could love.

I am so sorry for your loss, both to the lingering living death of an alcoholic during their life, and to losing him in the end. May God bring you peace.

ShootingStar1

Patsy22

Thank you Shooting Star 1.
I don't want to denigrate all the other people who have really helped me by their caring posts but somehow yours really touched a chord with me. You are right about most if not all of my doubts not coming from him and I realise he had a very limited way of expressing himself towards the end. He had become a very trusting person after such a long time in hospital (which wasn't like him as he was very insecure) so I think if he was fobbed off with reasons like I couldn't be bothered to visit him he would sadly believe it. I will really try to move on from thinking of the toxic family and stop beating myself up about it. Nothing can be changed now.
Thank you so much. x