skella99

What do you say?

I have an AD. She is 21. She also has some mental issues going on, that have been going on since she was about 14-15. She hasnt ever worked, barely graduated high school and does absolutely nothing. She is stuck. She seems to be sober now (for a few weeks), but who knows for how long.

Anyhow, I have a very small circle of friends who know the "real" issue. They are non-judgmental people who I can confide in. I feel safe talking about this with them and when they ask me how she is doing, they are doing it with caring.

BUT, I have other people in my life, as we all do, who are not that close to me, who may have an idea, but dont really know, who will ask about her. Not just to see how she is, but how is she, what is she up to, is she in college, does she work? And then then the, what does she do? Just lay around all day?

I also know there are people who ask these kinds of questions b/c they are new friends and are interested in getting to know me. I also am not sure about how to respond either.

I tend to be one of those open book kind of people and i have to work really hard at not talking about my AD or watching who I talk to about the situation. Ive learned the hard way, not everyone is good and caring or your friend.

Anyhow, I was just curious to those in similar situations with other family members, what do you say?

MsJojo

My A is my husband. Like you, I have a few friends who know the truth. However, with acquaintances and my daughters' school for example I just say that my husband has some issues with his mental health and doesn't live with us. I don't elaborate further.
I am so sorry about your daughter. The pain must be dreadful x

HopefulmomtoD

Hmmmm, well I'm not an open book type of person, so maybe that's why I don't get a lot of nosy questions. Most people just don't ask, lol. If they do and I don't feel like sharing, I'll say something like he's taking a while to grow up, or he's struggling to find his way. Or, I might make a joke- like I may never get him out of my house. And, then I'll change the subject. I've never had anyone not get the message.

Recovering2

She's an adult. If they ask about her, I would suggest telling them that if they want to know about your daughter...they can ask your daughter. Say that a few times, they'll get the message. Boundaries.....

skella99

Thank you very much for the suggestions. It's hard when you realize that not everyone who ask about you or your family really arent doing it out of caring.

Hammer

Not trying to pry, but do you know or have any sort of diagnosis towards the underlying mental issues?

Sometimes that helps you deal with it much more than the surface addiction or alcohol issues.

For example we (Mrs. Hammer, as it were) trends towards Borderline, or at least Borderline traits, if you are familiar. The addiction issues are just overlay.

When I have to deal with it in a business matter -- just yesterday, in fact -- I wind up describing it in terms of the brain hardware problems, rather than any sort of addiction, or personality disorder.

SadieJack

I had a similar situation with my sister. She was a drug addict and schizophrenic. At first I was at a loss as to what to say when people asked about her. Over time I decided to just tell people in the most clinical way I could without being ashamed or dramatic. I would tell people that my sister is mentally ill and medicates herself with street drugs. Some people backed away, but most were very understanding and compassionate. By talking about mental illness, it de-stigmatizes it. It is a very uncomfortable topic for some, but bringing into the light and educating people is the only way to understand the issues. I think years ago alcohol was a off-limits topic. If you had a drinker in the family it was shameful and folks ostracized you. Now, thank god, we know that it is a progressive disease and not a moral failure.

Best of luck to you

lizwig

Hi Skella99, I can totally relate to this. I have a few people who I know are asking because their concern is with ME...and how I am managing. There are others who I believe only ask for curiosities sake. About 6 months ago I decided to try something new....whenever I was asked a question I felt was too personal I just simply responded "why do you ask?"...when they have to verbalize why they think they have a right to know your personal business...the questions stop and they won't ask again. I know this may seem passive/aggressive to some but it has helped me immensly. For whatever reason I have always felt if someone asks a question you must answer it. I don't feel that way anymore. I hope there comes a day where when I ask "why do you ask"...I'm met with something like "my own son/daughter/boyfriend/husband is struggling...and I see your strength and how you haven't gone down with him...and I'm wondering what your secret is?" At that point I will piggy back them to my al-anon meeting, introduce them to this amazing site and encourage them to seek their own recovery. But until that happens, I will continue with my "why do you ask?" and leave it at that. tough road...tough balance...but whatever work we do on ourselves is time well spent!

skella99

Wow, what great suggestions!

Hammer, my daughter has been diagnosed with several different things over the years, OCD, intermittent explosive disorder, bipolar disorder, etc... but she has never followed or been compliant with treatment to pin point it down, not to mention the effects of alcohol make it harder to diagnose. I have recognize mental issues in her before she started drinking and it was usually dismissed as "hormones."

SadieJack

I hate to hear this skella99. I really thought in this day and age that doctors/therapists were more enlightened than this. Years ago women were called "hysterical" caused from female "problems". I hope you can get a proper diagnosis so she can be treated. Intermittent Explosive Disorder is very rare per the DSM-IV. It is considered an impulse control disorder that cannot be classified elsewhere.