Why is he winding me up
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Why is he winding me up
My AH filed for divorce last year after I told him I was not coming back to him while he was still drinking. He and I both had brief relationships with someone else which soon ended. I don't want to get divorced at the moment - I've just got used to living alone - been together since we were 16 and are now 47.
Yet this divorce is the thing that he goes on and on about. He just seems to be using it as a threat but yet at the same time he is going through the motions - all be it slowly. His drinking I believe is even worse and there is no longer anyone willing to act as intermediary between us.
This is my question why does he keep banging on about this divorce - it really upsets me and is not something that ever bothered him in the past. I was the one who wanted us to get married nearly 28 years ago - his attitude is - these things dont matter its a piece of paper. So why is he so hell bent on this particular piece of paper now?
Yet this divorce is the thing that he goes on and on about. He just seems to be using it as a threat but yet at the same time he is going through the motions - all be it slowly. His drinking I believe is even worse and there is no longer anyone willing to act as intermediary between us.
This is my question why does he keep banging on about this divorce - it really upsets me and is not something that ever bothered him in the past. I was the one who wanted us to get married nearly 28 years ago - his attitude is - these things dont matter its a piece of paper. So why is he so hell bent on this particular piece of paper now?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He's pushing your buttons, it's what an A does. He's testing your boundaries. You told him you wouldn't come back while he's drinking. He's letting you know he isn't going to stop drinking, so if you're not coming back may as well divorce. It was your boundary that was set....he's calling your bluff. Don't make ultimatums you're not ready to carry out...they know it.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
What are you getting out of this relationship?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
You're right re him drinking himself into oblivion. It's tough to see someone you care about doing stuff like that. That being said, perhaps if he's drinking himself into oblivion and you're getting out of the situation, it may just be working for you - he's just dragging you down and you're getting out while you still can...doesn't make it any easier though 
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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My STBX did that. Brought up divorce to make a fight, test boundaries,get me upset. This went on for a few years. And he used to tell me what was going to happen - how little money I was going to have, how difficult my life would become. He talked as though he had already been to a lawyer and knew everything. To scare me. Which he plainly did.
Now that I am actually getting a divorce as fast as I can, I see that he doesn't have the knowledge or even the wherewithal to go about getting a divorce without my essentially forcing it on him. He can't even get himself to a bank to send me the pension that he was court-ordered to pay me.
Your choice is to keep living with the threat of divorce hanging over the two of you and remaining in limbo or to decide to move forward towards a future of your own making. It's hard when your life has been totally entangled with his for so long. I am your age and I was with my ex for 20 years, and that is a lot already. I haven't had to make decisions about insurance, and cars, and future plans since I was in my early twenties. Sometimes now I feel like I am back to being that age. But okay, I am going to have to learn and grow. That's what we are here on this earth to do. So it's good!
You can have a better life. Alcoholism is progressive. You can stay on the sinking ship or get yourself to a safer and better place. He's not about to fix the boat with you. It's up to you!
Now that I am actually getting a divorce as fast as I can, I see that he doesn't have the knowledge or even the wherewithal to go about getting a divorce without my essentially forcing it on him. He can't even get himself to a bank to send me the pension that he was court-ordered to pay me.
Your choice is to keep living with the threat of divorce hanging over the two of you and remaining in limbo or to decide to move forward towards a future of your own making. It's hard when your life has been totally entangled with his for so long. I am your age and I was with my ex for 20 years, and that is a lot already. I haven't had to make decisions about insurance, and cars, and future plans since I was in my early twenties. Sometimes now I feel like I am back to being that age. But okay, I am going to have to learn and grow. That's what we are here on this earth to do. So it's good!
You can have a better life. Alcoholism is progressive. You can stay on the sinking ship or get yourself to a safer and better place. He's not about to fix the boat with you. It's up to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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I was married for 27 1/2 years. My ex used the threat of divorce on me for about 10 years prior to it. He threatened at least twice a year. He then would disappear for about 2 months at a time, after each threat. He played on my "fear of abandonment".
He actually did file 3 times, and then stopped the divorce, and would then go to a therapist, telling me that if we ever divorced, that I would have to be the one that did it.
Well, I couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take the threats anymore, couldn't deal with getting divorce papers in the mail, the day my grandson was born.
After all the "disappearing acts" that he pulled on me, I finally left. Of course I left with the idea that it would "hit him hard", and that he would want to make things better. It didn't. He filed for a divorce from me 7 months after I left him, on our 26th wedding anniversary. He filed because he said, "how can we have a relationship, if we are not together"? It didn't matter that when we were together, that he was on his "month longer benders, or retreats, or whatever you want to call them.
He filed because of his pride. He was embarrassed that I left him. In a way, I pushed him to file for the divorce. I knew that if he filed, that he would not try to come around and try to make things work out again.
So after he filed, we could have been divorced in less then 6 months, but he dragged it out and dragged it out. He refused to submit the necessary proofs of income and assets, finally the court charged him with contempt on that, and he had to pay my attorney about $2000. for the wasted time. Yes, he wanted the divorce, and he was the one holding things up. Divorce took 1 1/2 years.
Now I could understand if he held it up because he wanted to work on our relationship, but he became the biggest ******** ever (found out that word isn't filtered), during this.
There was no going back after that.
I never wanted the divorce, like I said before, I had a "fear of abandonment", never lived on my own, haven't made a decision since I said "I do". And the " I do ", was the wrong decision, lol.
Now I live alone, bought my own house, bought my own car, moved to a different state, completely renovating my home. My life, my choices.
I am now divorced 2 years, I can't say that I don't still look back and wish things were different, I do, but I also know that nothing would have changed, and it would have gotten worse.
To answer your last question about why he keeps going on about that "piece of paper", maybe he is still trying to control you. It worked before, why not use it again. I do believe that's what my ex was doing. Wanting me to come running back to him with my tail between my legs begging for forgiveness, and giving him whatever he wanted, and to keep my mouth shut.
Can you live like that? I couldn't. No matter how much the divorce hurt, it would have been much worse if I had stayed.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
He actually did file 3 times, and then stopped the divorce, and would then go to a therapist, telling me that if we ever divorced, that I would have to be the one that did it.
Well, I couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take the threats anymore, couldn't deal with getting divorce papers in the mail, the day my grandson was born.
After all the "disappearing acts" that he pulled on me, I finally left. Of course I left with the idea that it would "hit him hard", and that he would want to make things better. It didn't. He filed for a divorce from me 7 months after I left him, on our 26th wedding anniversary. He filed because he said, "how can we have a relationship, if we are not together"? It didn't matter that when we were together, that he was on his "month longer benders, or retreats, or whatever you want to call them.
He filed because of his pride. He was embarrassed that I left him. In a way, I pushed him to file for the divorce. I knew that if he filed, that he would not try to come around and try to make things work out again.
So after he filed, we could have been divorced in less then 6 months, but he dragged it out and dragged it out. He refused to submit the necessary proofs of income and assets, finally the court charged him with contempt on that, and he had to pay my attorney about $2000. for the wasted time. Yes, he wanted the divorce, and he was the one holding things up. Divorce took 1 1/2 years.
Now I could understand if he held it up because he wanted to work on our relationship, but he became the biggest ******** ever (found out that word isn't filtered), during this.
There was no going back after that.
I never wanted the divorce, like I said before, I had a "fear of abandonment", never lived on my own, haven't made a decision since I said "I do". And the " I do ", was the wrong decision, lol.
Now I live alone, bought my own house, bought my own car, moved to a different state, completely renovating my home. My life, my choices.
I am now divorced 2 years, I can't say that I don't still look back and wish things were different, I do, but I also know that nothing would have changed, and it would have gotten worse.
To answer your last question about why he keeps going on about that "piece of paper", maybe he is still trying to control you. It worked before, why not use it again. I do believe that's what my ex was doing. Wanting me to come running back to him with my tail between my legs begging for forgiveness, and giving him whatever he wanted, and to keep my mouth shut.
Can you live like that? I couldn't. No matter how much the divorce hurt, it would have been much worse if I had stayed.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Yes I suppose it' s hard for me to admit that its a control issue. 7 years ago I left and started considering the possibility of moving to a different country - he sent me a threatening letter saying if I did not return he would have all my things packed up and shipped. I was back in 2 weeks ! I don't see how he is moving on, he is not doing anything except drinking every day. I cant win - when he first mentioned wanting a divorce - I agreed and his response was to send me an abusive email to tell me how I had no honour and did not appreciate all he did for me!
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I'd do everything reasonable to move that divorce along as quickly as possible. There is NO advantage to remaining married under the circumstances. None.
Who cares WHY he is doing it? His motives don't have to coincide with yours. He may be doing it because he thinks it will get you begging him to take you back. Let him think that. I would cooperate with the process and use it to my own advantage.
Who cares WHY he is doing it? His motives don't have to coincide with yours. He may be doing it because he thinks it will get you begging him to take you back. Let him think that. I would cooperate with the process and use it to my own advantage.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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It probably winds you up because you really don’t want a divorce. You want him fixed and repaired so you can have the marriage you dreamed of having 28 years ago.
The more he pushes for the final piece of paper to be signed the more upset you get. Maybe you need to figure out what it is you really want, stay with the situation you’ve become familiar with and accept it or resolve fears of the unknown so you can move forward.
The more he pushes for the final piece of paper to be signed the more upset you get. Maybe you need to figure out what it is you really want, stay with the situation you’ve become familiar with and accept it or resolve fears of the unknown so you can move forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Divorce doesn't prevent you from continuing to love someone. It doesn't prevent you from remarrying him, either, if he decides to recover. You've already said you are NOT willing to live with him as long as he continues to drink.
Maybe he doesn't want to continue to be tied down to a marriage under those conditions. I don't know of any way to stop a divorce, if one party wants out.
Maybe he doesn't want to continue to be tied down to a marriage under those conditions. I don't know of any way to stop a divorce, if one party wants out.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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:horse:horse:horse Dear cr995, love, alone, is not enough. If love could control alcoholism, none of us would be here on this forum trying to figure how to put our lives back together.
You do not h ave the ability to control him. Trying to is just beating your head against the wall. Sign the divorce papers and remove his power over you.
Walk free.
sincerely, dandylion
You do not h ave the ability to control him. Trying to is just beating your head against the wall. Sign the divorce papers and remove his power over you.
Walk free.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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When I tried agreeing with the divorce when he first mentioned it he said I had no honour and did not appreciate him.
He keeps asking me to sign divorce papers but as he filed on grounds of desertion he does not actually need my signature.
He keeps asking me to sign divorce papers but as he filed on grounds of desertion he does not actually need my signature.
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Thanks Dandylion I do go to Alanon and have been since June. Nobody else is in my situation where the alcoholic is divorcing them, and the only thing that is working out - is that I have been taking baby steps since I left to get a life. I have repaired the relationship with our children and have started my own business - so for a change I am no longer financially dependent on AH.
My youngest moved out in January to his own place and although it was sad I am so glad to have helped get him on his way to independence and college (which was the initial reason I left AH - to be with our son who was too young to have left home when he did).
I have had so much to deal with - thats all. AH was previously adamant on selling our house - which I found heartbreaking - we built it ourselves and it was just nearing completion. But I have now come round to the idea of selling it. Once I came round to the idea of selling he initially agreed to co-operate but now is talking about renting it out - so its all very hard to deal with. It used to be threats to kill the dog but that's stopped now.
What do you mean by being played ? You mean just messing around for the sake of it?
My youngest moved out in January to his own place and although it was sad I am so glad to have helped get him on his way to independence and college (which was the initial reason I left AH - to be with our son who was too young to have left home when he did).
I have had so much to deal with - thats all. AH was previously adamant on selling our house - which I found heartbreaking - we built it ourselves and it was just nearing completion. But I have now come round to the idea of selling it. Once I came round to the idea of selling he initially agreed to co-operate but now is talking about renting it out - so its all very hard to deal with. It used to be threats to kill the dog but that's stopped now.
What do you mean by being played ? You mean just messing around for the sake of it?
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What do you mean by being played ? You mean just messing around for the sake of it?
You just described that when you came around to selling the house, he changed it up to say he wants to rent it.
It used to be threats to kill the dog but that's stopped now.
I have repaired the relationship with our children and have started my own business - so for a change I am no longer financially dependent on AH.
This is my question why does he keep banging on about this divorce - it really upsets me and is not something that ever bothered him in the past.
Where is the honor in the way he treats his wife? Threats to the dog? Agreeing on big things like a divorce or selling a house, then reneging?
As long as you are tying your well being to someone who is out of control, you will be stuck. Please do not think you are different than everyone in your AlAnon meeting. (because your alcoholic is divorcing you) You are one of them.
In order to move forward, I had to come to the belief I am NO different than the other drunks in AA. I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. Now, in AlAnon, I am powerless over people (my son) and my life has become unmanageable.
I am miserable about not being able to help him and mad at myself for getting in his way again. Sigh.........
I think this post is for me too, cr995. you do have power over yourself and what you allow in your life. I will try to remember that. I hope you do too.
Beth
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear cr995, he is playing you, and bullying you and ABUSING you. You don't have to have bruises to be abused. Threatening to kill the dog--takes it to a whole new level. It sounds sociopathic. This guy doesn't mind at all to hurt you and bring you pain. He is playing with you like a toy.
My dear, I am soo glad you have had contact with alanon. Maybe they can't help get your marriage back--but, they sure as h*** can help you with the courage to help yourself.
Also, you need a really good attorney in your corner!! This guy is pushing you around just because he thinks he can. You are being abused. You must remove yourself as the victim in this relationship. You need to become the survivor of this relationship!
ShootingStar has many postings which you might draw some strength from. She had a similar situation. You might want to read some of them.
sincerely, dandylion
My dear, I am soo glad you have had contact with alanon. Maybe they can't help get your marriage back--but, they sure as h*** can help you with the courage to help yourself.
Also, you need a really good attorney in your corner!! This guy is pushing you around just because he thinks he can. You are being abused. You must remove yourself as the victim in this relationship. You need to become the survivor of this relationship!
ShootingStar has many postings which you might draw some strength from. She had a similar situation. You might want to read some of them.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Animal abuse (even threats) are very closely tied to physical violence, and I am afraid you might be in great danger. I've worked in the domestic violence field for many years, and I strongly suggest that you call the DV hotline and speak to a counselor about making a safety plan.
This is NOT a safe situation for you.
This is NOT a safe situation for you.
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