Resentments Building..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
Resentments Building..
Okay..
So, here's a brief history of the situation I'm in right now.
My boyfriend and I are both in recovery and are both codependent. We've been together almost two years, and it's only been the last seven months that I've been clean and sober and in recovery. Prior to that, I was in active addiction.
We read Codependent No More together recently, and it was very helpful. HOWEVER, we continue to have the same argument once a month. Almost like clockwork, he gets very insecure in the relationship and thinks I am eventually going to end up leaving him. Logically I know this has nothing to do with me, it's his own delusions that he's projecting onto me.
I'm on Step 8 and he has not yet begun Step 6. I know it's not up to me to make him do step work, but for me, all my change and growth came from step work.
He's agreed to start working on his steps and start attending Al-Anon. This is great.
My issue is, I am getting so resentful. Everytime we have this argument, it puts distance between us. I do Step 10 Spot Check Inventories, but the last three I've done are almost exactly the same!!
I'm not sure how to let this go.
My sponsor is calling me in an hour, so hopefully she gives me some good suggestions.
My fear is that I will outgrow him and get bitter towards him.
So, here's a brief history of the situation I'm in right now.
My boyfriend and I are both in recovery and are both codependent. We've been together almost two years, and it's only been the last seven months that I've been clean and sober and in recovery. Prior to that, I was in active addiction.
We read Codependent No More together recently, and it was very helpful. HOWEVER, we continue to have the same argument once a month. Almost like clockwork, he gets very insecure in the relationship and thinks I am eventually going to end up leaving him. Logically I know this has nothing to do with me, it's his own delusions that he's projecting onto me.
I'm on Step 8 and he has not yet begun Step 6. I know it's not up to me to make him do step work, but for me, all my change and growth came from step work.
He's agreed to start working on his steps and start attending Al-Anon. This is great.
My issue is, I am getting so resentful. Everytime we have this argument, it puts distance between us. I do Step 10 Spot Check Inventories, but the last three I've done are almost exactly the same!!
I'm not sure how to let this go.
My sponsor is calling me in an hour, so hopefully she gives me some good suggestions.
My fear is that I will outgrow him and get bitter towards him.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Is your bf also in recovery from addiction?
Did someone suggest to you that you start working an Al-Anon program with 7 months' sobriety? My experience is that people with addiction work on their addiction issues for a year or more before their codependency issues. Has a counselor suggested you move faster on this?
Relationships involving addiction are always on unstable ground. There is always an underlying threat that at any moment there will be a crisis, something will go terribly wrong. There is always an intuition that the addicted person is lying, about everything, including feelings of love. This makes the codependent partner feel insecure, unsure of what the truth is, and on eggshells for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and losing the relationship.
I hope your sponsor can help you find a way to stay on track with your program of sobriety first and foremost, because without a solid sobriety and support system of recovering addicts/alcoholics, no relationship will ever work out.
I understand that you would feel some resentment that he seems to be clinging to you, and even perhaps you feel a bit manipulated by his fears. But again, this has been a relationship with addiction involved, and as such, it will take quite some time for you both to think clearly and to know what you feel and why.
Getting mixed up with each others' programs of recovery is a recipe for disaster and a real set-up for resentments. You need your program and people, he needs his. And those programs should run parallel, not intertwined, paths. You both might feel a great deal more relief if you decide to do that.
Did someone suggest to you that you start working an Al-Anon program with 7 months' sobriety? My experience is that people with addiction work on their addiction issues for a year or more before their codependency issues. Has a counselor suggested you move faster on this?
Relationships involving addiction are always on unstable ground. There is always an underlying threat that at any moment there will be a crisis, something will go terribly wrong. There is always an intuition that the addicted person is lying, about everything, including feelings of love. This makes the codependent partner feel insecure, unsure of what the truth is, and on eggshells for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and losing the relationship.
I hope your sponsor can help you find a way to stay on track with your program of sobriety first and foremost, because without a solid sobriety and support system of recovering addicts/alcoholics, no relationship will ever work out.
I understand that you would feel some resentment that he seems to be clinging to you, and even perhaps you feel a bit manipulated by his fears. But again, this has been a relationship with addiction involved, and as such, it will take quite some time for you both to think clearly and to know what you feel and why.
Getting mixed up with each others' programs of recovery is a recipe for disaster and a real set-up for resentments. You need your program and people, he needs his. And those programs should run parallel, not intertwined, paths. You both might feel a great deal more relief if you decide to do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
Thank you EnglishGarden...I spoke to my sponsor shortly after I posted this. She actually said almost verbatim what you did about focusing on my sobriety solely for a year. She told me to focus on my steps and after having a spiritual awakening, things will fall into place easier.
My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic/addict. He has 3 and a half years sober in recovery. It was his sponsor that suggested Al-Anon. I just now learned it was suggested solely for him.
My sponsor reminded me of the serenity prayer and the powerlessness I have over people, places and things, and that the only behaviour I can change is my own. She also reminded me of the saying "do I want to be right or do I want to be happy."
I just came from my home group as well. I am so blessed that I actually have supportive women in the program that I can call. I call them my "support team". I talked to some amazing women today, my sponsor being one of them, and saw some amazing women tonight. (I haven't been to that meeting in awhile as I just returned from Southeast Asia after being there for three months).
My boyfriend also attended his home group tonight, and his energy is a lot calmer.
I know I need to focus on my own program and let him focus on his.
Thank you so much for your reply.
My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic/addict. He has 3 and a half years sober in recovery. It was his sponsor that suggested Al-Anon. I just now learned it was suggested solely for him.
My sponsor reminded me of the serenity prayer and the powerlessness I have over people, places and things, and that the only behaviour I can change is my own. She also reminded me of the saying "do I want to be right or do I want to be happy."
I just came from my home group as well. I am so blessed that I actually have supportive women in the program that I can call. I call them my "support team". I talked to some amazing women today, my sponsor being one of them, and saw some amazing women tonight. (I haven't been to that meeting in awhile as I just returned from Southeast Asia after being there for three months).
My boyfriend also attended his home group tonight, and his energy is a lot calmer.
I know I need to focus on my own program and let him focus on his.
Thank you so much for your reply.
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