D day..in more ways then one
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
D day..in more ways then one
With everything going on with my son, I was relieved to have an appt scheduled with his chemical dep. councilor last night and spent the day thinking about how I was going to handle it, what needed to be said/done to finally get on a path with him that would be productive.
Ive been contemplating a lot on things ive heard and read about in Al Anon..how the sick dance that is played between an A and the spouse takes two. Im not taking any blame for his actions...just taking responsibility for my own. Not to state the obviouse but I have felt for a long time that the majority of our sons problems are rooted in the tense relationship of myself and my x. Someone has to be the bigger person...I needed to own up to my part to him and forgive him for his part and try to raise our son in some kind of family unit. Let go of all this resentment I had ..
So I sat and made a list...I gave myself a limit, no more then 3 things I needed to apologize for and 3 things I needed to forgive him for. In general I was not the wife he needed, I hurt him when I left...Im not sorry I did but I am sorry it hurt him. and I was closed off and resistant when he tried to make it up to me..for a year after I left he tried and I was to angry to let it happen. Im not saying I was wrong, just sorry it happened that way. God knows I had a lot to be angry about.
I needed to forgive him for not being the husband I needed, for starting his affair and for walking away from my older boys who he raised as his own...I know he loved them..he gave them a life they would not have had with me as a single mother. I imagine the guilt he feels for everything makes it to difficult to face them. Its not ok, none of it is ok...but I forgive him for who he is and let it go.
All that being said...I really thought that at this meeting we could finally put some of the resentments behind us and concentrate on what we can do together for our son.
We saw the councilor first alone with out our son and he basically said look, you guys need to put this crap between you to rest its effecting your son and nothing is going to change until you guys get on the same page...I agreed and said I was willing to do that, that I had a lot of resentments but was ready to move on and work with my X. My X then looked at the councilor and said he was fine with how things were between us...was not interested in having anything to do with improving it and that If I didn't coddle our son so much we wouldn't be having this problem, it was typical teenage stuff and our son would work it out himself...there were a lot more blaming things said but I honestly cant remember ..I was in shock, I told him that some day he needed to stop blaming me for everything that is wrong I his life and the since Im raising this kid on my own with no help from him he was in no position to point fingers... It was a waste of time from there. The councilor stopped him, looked at me and said I want to make it clear that this is not your fault (meaning our sons behavior)
X never said another word...councilor asked again if there was anything that could be done to help us work together...X said no. we were done.
While my son was speaking to the councilor by himself I walked up to my X and said these are some things I need to say to you for me...and then did my apologies and told him I forgave him for the things I needed to. He thanked me and said it meant a lot and I walked away.
I have never felt such relief....I don't care what happens now, Ive done my part and can look myself in the mirror and like what I see. Im a dedicated mother and my son knows that. Ive excepted my part in all of this and don't feel any kind of resentment towards him at all anymore...just sadness and pity. How sad it is that he will live the rest of his life carrying that around.
And if it wasn't before, it was painfully obviouse last night that I am raising this boy on my own. before we left I watched him tease and wrestle with our son and instead of getting mad as usual because he once again is acting like our son did nothing and Im the one that has to deal with it..I just thought well at least our son has that.
On another note, I got a call yesterday from my attorney...Its official, I am divorced. She said the papers were sent from the judge and as of March 25 I am no longer his wife.
The End
Chapter 1
As she sat watching the sun come up over the trees, she took a sip of her coffee (strong, with lots of cinnamon/vanilla creamer) and thought.."today is a beautiful day..what shall I do with it??"...............
Ive been contemplating a lot on things ive heard and read about in Al Anon..how the sick dance that is played between an A and the spouse takes two. Im not taking any blame for his actions...just taking responsibility for my own. Not to state the obviouse but I have felt for a long time that the majority of our sons problems are rooted in the tense relationship of myself and my x. Someone has to be the bigger person...I needed to own up to my part to him and forgive him for his part and try to raise our son in some kind of family unit. Let go of all this resentment I had ..
So I sat and made a list...I gave myself a limit, no more then 3 things I needed to apologize for and 3 things I needed to forgive him for. In general I was not the wife he needed, I hurt him when I left...Im not sorry I did but I am sorry it hurt him. and I was closed off and resistant when he tried to make it up to me..for a year after I left he tried and I was to angry to let it happen. Im not saying I was wrong, just sorry it happened that way. God knows I had a lot to be angry about.
I needed to forgive him for not being the husband I needed, for starting his affair and for walking away from my older boys who he raised as his own...I know he loved them..he gave them a life they would not have had with me as a single mother. I imagine the guilt he feels for everything makes it to difficult to face them. Its not ok, none of it is ok...but I forgive him for who he is and let it go.
All that being said...I really thought that at this meeting we could finally put some of the resentments behind us and concentrate on what we can do together for our son.
We saw the councilor first alone with out our son and he basically said look, you guys need to put this crap between you to rest its effecting your son and nothing is going to change until you guys get on the same page...I agreed and said I was willing to do that, that I had a lot of resentments but was ready to move on and work with my X. My X then looked at the councilor and said he was fine with how things were between us...was not interested in having anything to do with improving it and that If I didn't coddle our son so much we wouldn't be having this problem, it was typical teenage stuff and our son would work it out himself...there were a lot more blaming things said but I honestly cant remember ..I was in shock, I told him that some day he needed to stop blaming me for everything that is wrong I his life and the since Im raising this kid on my own with no help from him he was in no position to point fingers... It was a waste of time from there. The councilor stopped him, looked at me and said I want to make it clear that this is not your fault (meaning our sons behavior)
X never said another word...councilor asked again if there was anything that could be done to help us work together...X said no. we were done.
While my son was speaking to the councilor by himself I walked up to my X and said these are some things I need to say to you for me...and then did my apologies and told him I forgave him for the things I needed to. He thanked me and said it meant a lot and I walked away.
I have never felt such relief....I don't care what happens now, Ive done my part and can look myself in the mirror and like what I see. Im a dedicated mother and my son knows that. Ive excepted my part in all of this and don't feel any kind of resentment towards him at all anymore...just sadness and pity. How sad it is that he will live the rest of his life carrying that around.
And if it wasn't before, it was painfully obviouse last night that I am raising this boy on my own. before we left I watched him tease and wrestle with our son and instead of getting mad as usual because he once again is acting like our son did nothing and Im the one that has to deal with it..I just thought well at least our son has that.
On another note, I got a call yesterday from my attorney...Its official, I am divorced. She said the papers were sent from the judge and as of March 25 I am no longer his wife.
The End
Chapter 1
As she sat watching the sun come up over the trees, she took a sip of her coffee (strong, with lots of cinnamon/vanilla creamer) and thought.."today is a beautiful day..what shall I do with it??"...............
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I think I am...I am just focusing on my son, what his needs are, and me, what is it I want ...what makes me happy...its time for that. Im going to be 50 this year, all 3 of my boys are grown (well, the 16 yr old thinks he is) Its time to start figuring out what Im going to do with the rest of my life now...
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