Questions about being married to an A
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Questions about being married to an A
I've been downloading and reading quite a few posts on the boards here. I'm really thinking about myself, my issues, how to feel at peace with myself and my life, and how to have a sense of assuredness when I ultimately make a decision to stay or leave my marriage. At this moment, I see some reasons for staying, but I see quite a few reasons for leaving too. I guess I'm just not ready to make a major life decision right this minute.
Question: As long as he's active - and boy, is he ACTIVE - am I right in assuming we can't have a marriage in the real, healthy sense of the word? In other words, his primary relationship/coping mechanism is with alcohol. I'm pretty much shut out of his life when he's on a bender. I mean, I can be at peace with myself, but it's sure a lonely peace. I have to look elsewhere to get my need for companionship, recreation, friendship, etc., met.
I realize my husband wasn't put on this Earth to entertain me, be my caretaker, be my mommy or daddy figure - but for those of you who have stayed in a marriage with an active A - how do you cope? Why do you chose to stay? Do you often feel frustrated that your husband is there in body but not mind?
Guess I'm looking for a little wisdom/knowledge/enlightenment. Thanks for any help you can offer!
Question: As long as he's active - and boy, is he ACTIVE - am I right in assuming we can't have a marriage in the real, healthy sense of the word? In other words, his primary relationship/coping mechanism is with alcohol. I'm pretty much shut out of his life when he's on a bender. I mean, I can be at peace with myself, but it's sure a lonely peace. I have to look elsewhere to get my need for companionship, recreation, friendship, etc., met.I realize my husband wasn't put on this Earth to entertain me, be my caretaker, be my mommy or daddy figure - but for those of you who have stayed in a marriage with an active A - how do you cope? Why do you chose to stay? Do you often feel frustrated that your husband is there in body but not mind?
Guess I'm looking for a little wisdom/knowledge/enlightenment. Thanks for any help you can offer!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Re: Questions about being married to an A
I have seen recovery work and marriages saved.
I have seen recovery work and marriages fall apart as well.
The underlaying problem in the marriages that fell apart was covered over by the drinking. Fixing a problem is a first step in fixing the whole.
Why did some stay? A commitment to the vows they took.
I have seen marriages heal and become better then they ever were before the healing. I myself will be married 29 years this fall. Stopped drinking about 3 years into the marriage. Healed broken parts that were hidden for many years about 4 years ago. This I will say... the past 4 years have been the best 4 years of all 29. I have seen that in others as well. the road is hard but the reward was worth it.
It is a choice you would need make. I don't live in your shoes so I can't tell you what to do there.
Guess this post may not be much help? What I would like to be found in this post... there is always hope. Would need to evaluate things out carefully. Either way is a life changing choice.
I have seen recovery work and marriages fall apart as well.
The underlaying problem in the marriages that fell apart was covered over by the drinking. Fixing a problem is a first step in fixing the whole.
Why did some stay? A commitment to the vows they took.
I have seen marriages heal and become better then they ever were before the healing. I myself will be married 29 years this fall. Stopped drinking about 3 years into the marriage. Healed broken parts that were hidden for many years about 4 years ago. This I will say... the past 4 years have been the best 4 years of all 29. I have seen that in others as well. the road is hard but the reward was worth it.
It is a choice you would need make. I don't live in your shoes so I can't tell you what to do there.
Guess this post may not be much help? What I would like to be found in this post... there is always hope. Would need to evaluate things out carefully. Either way is a life changing choice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Re: Questions about being married to an A
Prodigal,
although you are in a situation which we are all familiar with here, your marriage is still unique. I can't answer your question, but I can say that I have my reasons for sticking with G......so far. What the future holds, I don't know.
Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I get upset and a little depressed sometimes. Yes, there are times where I'm thinking to myself "OMG what am I doing here???". But, I weigh it all up, I look at the pros and the cons, and I make a decision that day to stick around. It's really not a question of coping, for me. It's a conscious decision to look at G and see the man I fell in love with, not the booze. I can't say how long I'll be able to do that for.
As for a healthy partnership (I must confess that G and I are not married) - well, there are plenty of sober relationships which aren't exactly ideal and there are plenty that are.As for relationships with an alcoholic, it depends on what you're putting up with, what ground rules you both have and what you expected from the relationship when you got together. There are alcoholic relationships which work - a lady in my group who's hubby is an active alcoholic is a living example of this, and so is a colleague of mine from work who's husband was an active alcoholic for most of their marriage - but in my experience most do not succeed. I might be incorrect here, but I'm going by personal experience in my Al-Anon group among other things.
I suppose it's a very personal decision on your part - good luck with it
HugZ
Sandra
although you are in a situation which we are all familiar with here, your marriage is still unique. I can't answer your question, but I can say that I have my reasons for sticking with G......so far. What the future holds, I don't know.
Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I get upset and a little depressed sometimes. Yes, there are times where I'm thinking to myself "OMG what am I doing here???". But, I weigh it all up, I look at the pros and the cons, and I make a decision that day to stick around. It's really not a question of coping, for me. It's a conscious decision to look at G and see the man I fell in love with, not the booze. I can't say how long I'll be able to do that for.
As for a healthy partnership (I must confess that G and I are not married) - well, there are plenty of sober relationships which aren't exactly ideal and there are plenty that are.As for relationships with an alcoholic, it depends on what you're putting up with, what ground rules you both have and what you expected from the relationship when you got together. There are alcoholic relationships which work - a lady in my group who's hubby is an active alcoholic is a living example of this, and so is a colleague of mine from work who's husband was an active alcoholic for most of their marriage - but in my experience most do not succeed. I might be incorrect here, but I'm going by personal experience in my Al-Anon group among other things.
I suppose it's a very personal decision on your part - good luck with it
HugZ
Sandra
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
Re: Questions about being married to an A
"I see some reasons for staying, but I see quite a few reasons for leaving too. I guess I'm just not ready to make a major life decision right this minute."
Ya know what? THAT"S OK!
There is no reason you have to make this decision today or tomorrow or next week. You will know when it's time to go. Meanwhile, keep working on yourself and pray for a miracle for your husband. You should also prepare to be independant in the event you do choose to leave. Sometimes just knowing that you are able to be on your own will give you the strength to make it through the day, week, month ...
"As long as he's active - and boy, is he ACTIVE - am I right in assuming we can't have a marriage in the real, healthy sense of the word?"
All marriages have down times whether alcohol is a factor or not. I agree with Bookworm in that it depends on what you expect from marriage and what you can cope with. Each union is unique. You must choose your own parameters for a "healthy and successful" marriage. If you can be at peace with yourself and satisfied that you are doing the right thing by staying, then who am I to tell you that you should leave?
Ya know what? THAT"S OK!
There is no reason you have to make this decision today or tomorrow or next week. You will know when it's time to go. Meanwhile, keep working on yourself and pray for a miracle for your husband. You should also prepare to be independant in the event you do choose to leave. Sometimes just knowing that you are able to be on your own will give you the strength to make it through the day, week, month ...
"As long as he's active - and boy, is he ACTIVE - am I right in assuming we can't have a marriage in the real, healthy sense of the word?"
All marriages have down times whether alcohol is a factor or not. I agree with Bookworm in that it depends on what you expect from marriage and what you can cope with. Each union is unique. You must choose your own parameters for a "healthy and successful" marriage. If you can be at peace with yourself and satisfied that you are doing the right thing by staying, then who am I to tell you that you should leave?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Re: Questions about being married to an A
what I've based my decision to stay on..... mostly the kids, I guess. But, I've also prayed ALOT about it and have asked God to YELL at me and leave no doubts when it's time to leave...... I guess it's not been that time.... yet. Who knows. Not me, yet, but I will leave if/when it's clearly the time to go. Much of luck and clarity to you, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Re: Questions about being married to an A
I left because I was being abused.
It's different if you are not being abused, there are other reasons to stay for.
As far as being ther ein body but not anything else, it's pretty hard for an active A to be a participant in anything other than their bottle. Take it from a formerly active A.
Ngaire
It's different if you are not being abused, there are other reasons to stay for.
As far as being ther ein body but not anything else, it's pretty hard for an active A to be a participant in anything other than their bottle. Take it from a formerly active A.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Re: Questions about being married to an A
I agree with Mctired...the time has simply not come yet. A long time ago at a meeting I heard someone say that they could be married "one day at a time"...and it stuck with me. I could leave tomorrow or the next day if I wanted. I am not signing up for life if I stay today.
"Just For Today" the good outweighs the bad...
JT
"Just For Today" the good outweighs the bad...
JT
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Re: Questions about being married to an A
McTired and JT have already stated my reasons for staying in my marriage. Just for today the good out weights the bad. Not all alcoholics are mean, violent, cruel people. But each day when I do my daily reading, praying, and mediation, I ask for "good orderly direction" and as long as I do One Day At A Time as far as my marriage is concerned I am practicing the Al-Anon way of life. I am staying in the moment striving to keep the focus on me and my needs.
Do take care of yourself the rest will surely follow!
Love Daffodil
Do take care of yourself the rest will surely follow!
Love Daffodil
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