My brother....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Dallas, Texas originally from Michigan
Posts: 125
My brother....
I am new to the board. Nice to meet you all!
I have an issue with my older brother (5 years). He has been an alcoholic for probably 40 years now. It has really ruined his life. 4 marriages, loss of jobs, legal problems, social problems...you name it.
My entire family (mother, sister and other brother) have tried to reach out to him and help to no avail. He is beyond defensive and a nasty mean drunk. We all have backed off trying to help over the years because it was an exercise in futility. Of course we all care for him, but....
I lost my sister on 9/11. My other brother has distanced himself from everyone because of his extreme religiosity. Which basically left me, mom and my alcoholic brother. Dad died 45 years ago.
My mother was failing physically so I moved her from Michigan last year to live with me in Texas. She declined very fast and only lasted 4 months here. Not ONE family member came to help me. They all live in other states, but it seemed that someone could have helped with her care. Anyway, after she died, my alcoholic brother had a heart attack. He lives in Rhode Island BTW.
He had heart surgery in Oct. and the docs told him to quit booze or die. He did well for a while and then started drinking again in Feb. It has progressed to back to where he was when he quit. A whole 1.75 liter of vodka or rum in a night! And he is back to being nasty mean.
Because he has had no income for quite awhile, his live-in lady has been paying the bills. However, he has been taking the money for the rent and spending it on booze.... 15 dollars a day times 30 days -450.00 and his share of the rent is 550.00. Anyway, he called me last week to ask if he could put all of his stuff in storage and move in with me for a few months until he could get some money together. I was in shock! He could live with his adult sons, he could get a loan, they could move into a cheaper place, etc. I said to him that I had to give it some thought and I would let him know. He went ballistic! He said I was selfish and he wants no part of me and I am this, that and the other thing. WTH?
I am very upset now. What to do??? I don't want to add fuel to the fire but I can't take this.
I am also worried that he will die from drinking. Thoughts??
I have an issue with my older brother (5 years). He has been an alcoholic for probably 40 years now. It has really ruined his life. 4 marriages, loss of jobs, legal problems, social problems...you name it.
My entire family (mother, sister and other brother) have tried to reach out to him and help to no avail. He is beyond defensive and a nasty mean drunk. We all have backed off trying to help over the years because it was an exercise in futility. Of course we all care for him, but....
I lost my sister on 9/11. My other brother has distanced himself from everyone because of his extreme religiosity. Which basically left me, mom and my alcoholic brother. Dad died 45 years ago.
My mother was failing physically so I moved her from Michigan last year to live with me in Texas. She declined very fast and only lasted 4 months here. Not ONE family member came to help me. They all live in other states, but it seemed that someone could have helped with her care. Anyway, after she died, my alcoholic brother had a heart attack. He lives in Rhode Island BTW.
He had heart surgery in Oct. and the docs told him to quit booze or die. He did well for a while and then started drinking again in Feb. It has progressed to back to where he was when he quit. A whole 1.75 liter of vodka or rum in a night! And he is back to being nasty mean.
Because he has had no income for quite awhile, his live-in lady has been paying the bills. However, he has been taking the money for the rent and spending it on booze.... 15 dollars a day times 30 days -450.00 and his share of the rent is 550.00. Anyway, he called me last week to ask if he could put all of his stuff in storage and move in with me for a few months until he could get some money together. I was in shock! He could live with his adult sons, he could get a loan, they could move into a cheaper place, etc. I said to him that I had to give it some thought and I would let him know. He went ballistic! He said I was selfish and he wants no part of me and I am this, that and the other thing. WTH?
I am very upset now. What to do??? I don't want to add fuel to the fire but I can't take this.
I am also worried that he will die from drinking. Thoughts??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
No friggin way would I let my addict brother move in with me. I'm not likely to even let the recovered one move in.
Be glad he showed you how he is going to behave.
Just say "I'm afraid that is not possible" and repeat. You don't need to give him reasons.
Be glad he showed you how he is going to behave.
Just say "I'm afraid that is not possible" and repeat. You don't need to give him reasons.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"No" is a complete sentence. I have an alcoholic brother, and there is NO way I would let him move in with me. Your brother has chosen his path, and it's his right to do that as an adult. But it doesn't mean he has the right to decide your path. He is looking for the path of least resistance right now to continue being enabled. So when it doesn't work like he thought it would, he's going to lash out. He has shown you his history, you know how he is. If at this age he still hasn't gotten money together, it's not gonna happen in the next few months. If you let him in.....now you're really stuck trying to move him out. Don't even go there!!! Read my post about "Flack from setting boundaries".
NO is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify/explain/rationalize. It doesn't work for you...just say No.
NO is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify/explain/rationalize. It doesn't work for you...just say No.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Sadie, Welcome to SR! I'm very sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad you found us!
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mother. That must have been a very trying time--especially with no help from the family.
Please make yourself at home here. We absolutely understand. My stepson is an alcoholic, and even though he has made some efforts at improving his life, I would not let him live here in a million years. It is not selfish or evil to decide against having an active alcoholic living in your home.
Sorry you had to have that phone call.....
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mother. That must have been a very trying time--especially with no help from the family.
Please make yourself at home here. We absolutely understand. My stepson is an alcoholic, and even though he has made some efforts at improving his life, I would not let him live here in a million years. It is not selfish or evil to decide against having an active alcoholic living in your home.
Sorry you had to have that phone call.....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Sadie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister and your mother - my heart goes out to you.
As someone who's been living with an active alcoholic for far too long, I can say that inviting an active alcoholic into the home is inviting chaos, tumult, and pain. If medical doctors have told him the consequences of his continued drinking and if he still chooses to drink, then he has made that choice for himself, fully aware of the consequences. I hope for his sake that he makes better choices moving forward, and I would hate to see you suffer another loss, but as I'm learning, we have to let go and save ourselves and let our loved ones make their own choices, good or bad.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
As someone who's been living with an active alcoholic for far too long, I can say that inviting an active alcoholic into the home is inviting chaos, tumult, and pain. If medical doctors have told him the consequences of his continued drinking and if he still chooses to drink, then he has made that choice for himself, fully aware of the consequences. I hope for his sake that he makes better choices moving forward, and I would hate to see you suffer another loss, but as I'm learning, we have to let go and save ourselves and let our loved ones make their own choices, good or bad.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Dallas, Texas originally from Michigan
Posts: 125
UPDATE: Words were exchanged today and my brother has emotionally blackmailed me. I feel so bad about the argument. I did say some things I should not have, but he really pushed my buttons. So once again we are estranged. Life is too damn short for this BS!
Thank you all for your encouragement.
Thank you all for your encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
AlAnon will help you learn to set boundaries without guilt. Your brother is going to say horrible things, it's just how the A functions when you don't respond to their needs. My brother used to do that to me all the time, until I detached from him and focused on my own life. Keep in mind it's the alcohol talking. Stay strong, you're doing the right thing.
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