After-Burn
 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

After-Burn

How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid.

This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.

We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn out.

When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life -- shame and guilt.

Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn't okay.

Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.

Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?

You bet we do.

Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.

Loved this reading this morning! Was going to post it, then lent my book to someone. Thanks for posting, I think so many of us on here need to hear this.

This one is very important for me.

I know shame and guilt kept me in the relationship for much longer than i should have stayed. Specifically the shame and guilt I felt when I told the truth about alcoholism and how it was effecting us.

I often find myself feeling terrible after expressing my feelings. Most of the time it is because the person I've been talking with takes something I've said personnally when really it was not meant that way.

When they show irritation or discomfort as a reaction to my words, I feel that I should shut up. I think that it is my fault they feel bad, I should have said it differently or I should have been more compassionate or I should have not said anything at all. So I usually do shut up and then stew about it internally for hours afterwards. I feel that I should have done something different (it was my fault they felt that way) but at the same time I feel resentful that I cannot or should not talk about it - get it off my shoulders, express my feelings.

But lately, after learning more about my codependency problem, I've caught myself doing this - I've recognized it.

The last time it happened I was discussing a sensitive subject with my husband. After I recieved what I thought were the "shut up" cues he was giving me, I dropped the subject, I started to stew and I decided that this time I was going to do something about it. I decided that I did not want to bring it up again to him right away but I wrote down the thoughts I would have had during my days in "active" codependency and how I was starting to think that day. Basically it was a message that I should not talk with him about the subject because it makes him angry and irritated and that his feelings come before mine. Once I was done, I gave him the note titled "This is what I learned today while talking to my husband". He read it and responded with "This is why I have decided to start learning to do things differently. I don't want you to feel this way anymore."

I explained to him that those were the thoughts I have as a codependent and that I recognized it this time but wanted him to know how I felt about our conversation. I knew that it was not his fault that I felt that way, it was my problem. I had to deal with it and I did. I wrote a simple note, it helped me see the flawed thought process and how crazy it was. I felt immediately better and I did not stew a second longer. My power felt great!

This and the drama triangle are what I need to hear
 

Thank you for posting this. And someone posted a link to the "drama triangle" in another thread. I'm clinging hard to these 2 things this week.

Guilt is my kryptonite. It's the thing that's kept me in my situation for so long. Feeling like I'd be abandoning, feeling like he won't be able to take care of himself, feeling like I'm selfish. On and on.

Intellectually I get it, but the heart is slow to change.

It helps me to keep asking myself "what am I making better by staying", and "am I really happy here". Because I'm not doing either of us one bit of good. And while I'm still around, he gets to avoid, and he'll never discover any shred of self-respect or independence because of it.

"Let it burn off" is good. It may hurt, but it will surely pass.