It really does get better....
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
It really does get better....
It's been almost 5 months since I last posted on this website. Something recently had me going back and looking at where I was and what was going on 7 months ago.
It's as if it was someone else's life.
I struggled quite a bit those first few months out of the relationship. Obsessive, co-dependent behavior was running rampant. I had no self-esteem left, had no idea who the hell I was and was such a mental wreck I could barely think straight some days. I kept wanting to contact him, to see him, to have him contact me. I was going insane trying to clear my head of everything that I had been through with him.
And, now, 7 months later, I am in such a good place I never would have believed it.
How did I do it and what helped me?
First of all, not dealing or seeing the xabf was the biggest plus of all. Except for my run-in with him around 3 months I haven't heard or seen him since. NC allowed me to really focus on myself and what I needed. He wasn't continuing to bring chaos into my life. or frustration. Or lies, cheating and crazy antics. NC has been the number one reason I was able to get myself back again.
Second, I found the 12 step program and I threw myself into it. I could not let this happen ever again. I was determined I was going to figure out what my contribution was to the dynamic of this crazy relationship and how I was going to stop it from ever happening again. In order to do that I had to look deep...really deep. The answers just flowed out of me. Situations as a kid and people that were major players in my life were brought to my attention. For literally 2 months I did nothing but listen to the inner workings of my mind so I could finally solve this problem once and for all.
I also went to a Coda meeting. I went about 6 times and then decided although it was helpful to me, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life saying my name and that I was a co-dependent. No. I wanted to say I was a recovering co-dependent. That meant progress and moving forward. The other way was telling myself I would always be this type of person.
I got books out of the library on co-dependency. My focus went to me...not him. I could have taken books out on alcoholics and read why they do the things they do and spent months wondering why he treated me the way he did and all about him.
But, this wasn't about him anymore. NO. It was about me. And, that's where I put my focus.
I started meditating. It was hard at first. My mind would wander to things about him constantly. I'd hear conversations I'd overheard, things he had said to me, thought of things he had done. But, with practice, I learned to stop the chatter in my head and began to focus more on me. On my thoughts, my life, my world.
And, little by little I changed. Something inside me was different. And, people started to notice. Men...better men...higher quality men...were interested in me. And, the few that weren't up to snuff I had no problem walking away from. I learned to love myself..and give myself boundaries..and realize that I am worthy of a good love. That I didn't need to settle for someone just because they said they loved me. Just because the dynamic had a familiar feel to it of a parental relationship.
I have come down a long and grueling path to this blissful place. It wasn't easy. There were tears and heartache and pain. But, now...there is beauty and love and light...and no more chaos. It is a wonderful place to be.
Oh, and this website helped me tremendously. How could I forget that?
The help and guidance and support I got here was one of the biggest lifesavers of them all. But, in order for it to help me I had to really listen to what people were saying to me..and do everything I could to put what they said into action. That's the hardest part of all.
So, I hope that everyone who is struggling knows that you can make it to a better place in your life. For me, it was choosing myself first. Learning how to love and appreciate who I am. Loving myself wasn't easy at first, but now...no one loves me more than I do. And, it's that love for myself that helps me to make better choices when it comes to relationships, helps me to feel good if I'm alone and to do what's right for ME. Some people think I'm harsh when I say I don't want to be with someone that needs fixing...but I've been there and it's no longer a place I want or need to go. So much has changed inside me...
That's my journey in a nutshell the last 7 months. I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with the aftermath of their r with the A to take it one day at a time. And, remember to love yourself first and foremost from here on out.
Love to all
Its MY Life
It's as if it was someone else's life.
I struggled quite a bit those first few months out of the relationship. Obsessive, co-dependent behavior was running rampant. I had no self-esteem left, had no idea who the hell I was and was such a mental wreck I could barely think straight some days. I kept wanting to contact him, to see him, to have him contact me. I was going insane trying to clear my head of everything that I had been through with him.
And, now, 7 months later, I am in such a good place I never would have believed it.
How did I do it and what helped me?
First of all, not dealing or seeing the xabf was the biggest plus of all. Except for my run-in with him around 3 months I haven't heard or seen him since. NC allowed me to really focus on myself and what I needed. He wasn't continuing to bring chaos into my life. or frustration. Or lies, cheating and crazy antics. NC has been the number one reason I was able to get myself back again.
Second, I found the 12 step program and I threw myself into it. I could not let this happen ever again. I was determined I was going to figure out what my contribution was to the dynamic of this crazy relationship and how I was going to stop it from ever happening again. In order to do that I had to look deep...really deep. The answers just flowed out of me. Situations as a kid and people that were major players in my life were brought to my attention. For literally 2 months I did nothing but listen to the inner workings of my mind so I could finally solve this problem once and for all.
I also went to a Coda meeting. I went about 6 times and then decided although it was helpful to me, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life saying my name and that I was a co-dependent. No. I wanted to say I was a recovering co-dependent. That meant progress and moving forward. The other way was telling myself I would always be this type of person.
I got books out of the library on co-dependency. My focus went to me...not him. I could have taken books out on alcoholics and read why they do the things they do and spent months wondering why he treated me the way he did and all about him.
But, this wasn't about him anymore. NO. It was about me. And, that's where I put my focus.
I started meditating. It was hard at first. My mind would wander to things about him constantly. I'd hear conversations I'd overheard, things he had said to me, thought of things he had done. But, with practice, I learned to stop the chatter in my head and began to focus more on me. On my thoughts, my life, my world.
And, little by little I changed. Something inside me was different. And, people started to notice. Men...better men...higher quality men...were interested in me. And, the few that weren't up to snuff I had no problem walking away from. I learned to love myself..and give myself boundaries..and realize that I am worthy of a good love. That I didn't need to settle for someone just because they said they loved me. Just because the dynamic had a familiar feel to it of a parental relationship.
I have come down a long and grueling path to this blissful place. It wasn't easy. There were tears and heartache and pain. But, now...there is beauty and love and light...and no more chaos. It is a wonderful place to be.
Oh, and this website helped me tremendously. How could I forget that?
The help and guidance and support I got here was one of the biggest lifesavers of them all. But, in order for it to help me I had to really listen to what people were saying to me..and do everything I could to put what they said into action. That's the hardest part of all.So, I hope that everyone who is struggling knows that you can make it to a better place in your life. For me, it was choosing myself first. Learning how to love and appreciate who I am. Loving myself wasn't easy at first, but now...no one loves me more than I do. And, it's that love for myself that helps me to make better choices when it comes to relationships, helps me to feel good if I'm alone and to do what's right for ME. Some people think I'm harsh when I say I don't want to be with someone that needs fixing...but I've been there and it's no longer a place I want or need to go. So much has changed inside me...
That's my journey in a nutshell the last 7 months. I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with the aftermath of their r with the A to take it one day at a time. And, remember to love yourself first and foremost from here on out.
Love to all
Its MY Life
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