When do you let them back in?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 23
Love family sessions at IOP.
I'm amazed I'm this active on SR lately! Anyway....
Myself, I think family sessions are *GREAT*. But that's just my experience, with the particular local one my AP attended. Yeah, I was totally nervous the first time. In our case, the Friday afternoon session is open to family, with optional group time with counselor afterwards. Those without visitors go back to their regular groups.
Emphasis on "family systems". It's a total mindblower to be among other families talking about this. To hear them back-and-forth with their As, with the counselor present. My entire concept of alcoholism got blown apart by that, I think for the good.
Addiction *loves* secrets and isolation. It thrives on them. It's amazing to let others in finally. It helped me feel more sane, and helped me understand my powerlessness.
Now in our case, he went back to the bottle after his weeks of IOP, and it's been months since. Rehab is just not a panacea or magic cure. They warned me about that at intake, and I was not surprised he relapsed. But in spite of that, at least I get to feel that rehab gave me something I didn't have before, regardless whether it did anything for him. My old habits have made it super easy to forget what I learned, but hopefully that will be drastically changing over the next month.
Anyway, just encouraging you to totally go to family sessions, even if you're afraid, and hopefully it will be a powerful experience for you.
Myself, I think family sessions are *GREAT*. But that's just my experience, with the particular local one my AP attended. Yeah, I was totally nervous the first time. In our case, the Friday afternoon session is open to family, with optional group time with counselor afterwards. Those without visitors go back to their regular groups.
Emphasis on "family systems". It's a total mindblower to be among other families talking about this. To hear them back-and-forth with their As, with the counselor present. My entire concept of alcoholism got blown apart by that, I think for the good.
Addiction *loves* secrets and isolation. It thrives on them. It's amazing to let others in finally. It helped me feel more sane, and helped me understand my powerlessness.
Now in our case, he went back to the bottle after his weeks of IOP, and it's been months since. Rehab is just not a panacea or magic cure. They warned me about that at intake, and I was not surprised he relapsed. But in spite of that, at least I get to feel that rehab gave me something I didn't have before, regardless whether it did anything for him. My old habits have made it super easy to forget what I learned, but hopefully that will be drastically changing over the next month.
Anyway, just encouraging you to totally go to family sessions, even if you're afraid, and hopefully it will be a powerful experience for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I did go to a couple family sessions at my husband's rehab - some were group (where family members got together with a counselor before visiting their loved ones) and some were private (just me, him, and his counselors). I got more out of the ones that were individual, since the group family counselor seemed to say the same things each week I went...which makes sense in a way because I was the only repeat attendee at the group family meetings.
I never got a chance to go to the family nights at his IOP though - he never went often enough the last few weeks, and it didn't make sense for me to go alone to his IOP!
My husband also has started drinking again and is going back to rehab (tomorrow!), and I plan to take full advantage of the family sessions, hopefully more private ones than group...but I'll take whatever support and advice and guidance I can get at this point!
I never got a chance to go to the family nights at his IOP though - he never went often enough the last few weeks, and it didn't make sense for me to go alone to his IOP!
My husband also has started drinking again and is going back to rehab (tomorrow!), and I plan to take full advantage of the family sessions, hopefully more private ones than group...but I'll take whatever support and advice and guidance I can get at this point!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
So. . . last night my IL's went to visit my AH and he is just the best thing since sliced bread now. 
In my FIL's words, "I heard all I needed to hear from him last night. He is completely changed."
Did I mention my AH is smooth?
This would have broken the old codie me down to tears, feeling guilty and figuring out how to smooth this all over. The new detached, confident me is standing her ground. Thanks to Al-Anon and this wonderful group, I know that he can say all the right things, but he is going to have to SHOW me this is real.
I'm ready to get out the broom.
In my FIL's words, "I heard all I needed to hear from him last night. He is completely changed."Did I mention my AH is smooth?
This would have broken the old codie me down to tears, feeling guilty and figuring out how to smooth this all over. The new detached, confident me is standing her ground. Thanks to Al-Anon and this wonderful group, I know that he can say all the right things, but he is going to have to SHOW me this is real.
I'm ready to get out the broom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Well, this morning is probably a "red flag" moment, so here goes.
I teach, so I have been looking forward to sleeping in today, and even my 3 year old actually slept in! Miracle! Unfortunately, I was woke up at 6:45 by my AH calling from rehab. He wanted me to call the insurance to see how long they will pay for treatment, because he wants to leave Monday for his job, and they are saying Sunday or Wednesday at rehab. I say I will later, and go back to bed. Big step, because normally I would have called right then to keep the peace. He calls again at 8:15. Not happy because I haven't called. So, I call them - obviously AH will not quit until I do. They will pay as long as he has to be there. When AH gets this message, he says "tell them Sunday is my last day, because I'm going to that job on Monday."
This job is three weeks in Connecticut, where he will be surrounded by people who go out and get drunk every night. Hate to be negative, but I'm thinking his rush to leave rehab and go back to that environment is indicative this is going downhill fast. Any thoughts?
I teach, so I have been looking forward to sleeping in today, and even my 3 year old actually slept in! Miracle! Unfortunately, I was woke up at 6:45 by my AH calling from rehab. He wanted me to call the insurance to see how long they will pay for treatment, because he wants to leave Monday for his job, and they are saying Sunday or Wednesday at rehab. I say I will later, and go back to bed. Big step, because normally I would have called right then to keep the peace. He calls again at 8:15. Not happy because I haven't called. So, I call them - obviously AH will not quit until I do. They will pay as long as he has to be there. When AH gets this message, he says "tell them Sunday is my last day, because I'm going to that job on Monday."
This job is three weeks in Connecticut, where he will be surrounded by people who go out and get drunk every night. Hate to be negative, but I'm thinking his rush to leave rehab and go back to that environment is indicative this is going downhill fast. Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
CL,
Congrats for standing up for yourself and getting some rest! I have 4 kids too, and it doesn't happen often. Ultimately, what your AH does is what he does. You can't stop him or control it. It is good that he wants to work and support his family. Hopefully the rehab with give him somedirection regarding AA meeting where he will be located for 3 weeks. Hopefully he is committed to sobriety and avoiding the people, places, and things that are triggers. But if he isn't, there is nothing you can do. You can continue to take care of yourself and your children.
Congrats for standing up for yourself and getting some rest! I have 4 kids too, and it doesn't happen often. Ultimately, what your AH does is what he does. You can't stop him or control it. It is good that he wants to work and support his family. Hopefully the rehab with give him somedirection regarding AA meeting where he will be located for 3 weeks. Hopefully he is committed to sobriety and avoiding the people, places, and things that are triggers. But if he isn't, there is nothing you can do. You can continue to take care of yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Oof. Tough one. Let's think positively though. This can be an opportunity for him and for you. It gets you some more time away from drama, which is good. And I'm sure the rehab facility worked to not only dry him out but help teach him some tools for sobriety and recovery, so he gets to test them out, and you get to see if he's putting his money where his mouth is with sobriety/recovery.
We've all heard the right words more times than we care to count.
Actions, baby, actions!
So that's my best advice - let his actions speak for him. You keep rocking it on the homefront and take good care of yourself and your bebbehs. Enjoy your day off!!
We've all heard the right words more times than we care to count.
Actions, baby, actions!So that's my best advice - let his actions speak for him. You keep rocking it on the homefront and take good care of yourself and your bebbehs. Enjoy your day off!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so he can barely stand to be in rehab for a full week huh? wow, such dedication and determination to really turn his life around. NOT. busting out first chance he gets.
oh well.
in the future, if he has the TIME to be calling YOU repeatedly to ask YOU to make calls for HIM, just give him the damn phone number and hang up. at least he'll be out of your hair, hopefully, for three weeks. maybe consider going No Contact. it's not like he's really got the kids interests at heart here, so no real reason to keep the lines open.
oh well.
in the future, if he has the TIME to be calling YOU repeatedly to ask YOU to make calls for HIM, just give him the damn phone number and hang up. at least he'll be out of your hair, hopefully, for three weeks. maybe consider going No Contact. it's not like he's really got the kids interests at heart here, so no real reason to keep the lines open.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
They will pay as long as he has to be there.
he says "tell them Sunday is my last day, because I'm going to that job on Monday."
Hate to be negative, but I'm thinking his rush to leave rehab and go back to that environment is indicative this is going downhill fast. Any thoughts?
And yes, he wants to rush back to "normal". Normal being sick and living sick.
You have choices. Remember that. Think of yourself and your children.
Obviously, his "normal" is not good for any of you.
Beth
Thank you for sharing CompletelyLost. It is tough, but when you do, it does help me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: southern appalachian mountains
Posts: 36
I was in a similar situation as you, but my daughter, thank God, was away at college when her father got really bad. I took him back after three months of sobriety, then he fell off the wagon again AND had an affair with someone we both knew and whom I liked. He is now in out patient rehab, and I have no seen him for five months. His addiction counselor says he needs at least a year before I even think about taking him back, and she told me that in inpatient rehab, addicts aren't even allowed contact with family for one full month. Relationships are such a part of the sickness, and you and your boys don't need him back in your lives until he is deeply into recovery. His parents are enabling him if they think you shuld take him back after 7 to 10 days. Stay strong. Your boys will respect you for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Why couldn't he have called. . .good question. Old habits die hard. On another note, he is being released tomorrow. Here is his "story":
The rehab center told my AH and 5 others that their insurance was up tomorrow. A point that I know is BS. He asks what the situation will be when he gets out. I tell him he can stay with his parents. He says OK, but an hour later tells me he is jut getting an apartment and will eventually move to the town he flies out of all the time to " get out of my way". Seriously, if he hadn't called me from rehab, I would have thought he was drunk! Sounded just like one of his manipulative ultimatums. So I told him that's great! If that's what he wants, I'm fine with that.
Then he evidently calls his dad, who proceeds to call me completely fed up with AH. Get this - he asks his dad to make arrangements for the apartment.. My FIL also said he sounded drunk today, and is aggravated that AH has obviously not changed at all.
So, unfortunately, this is where we're at. I can't say I'm surprised, and I'm not upset about the possibility of the marriage ending. I am disappointed for my boys, though. Those boys are my entire world, and I hate that he cannot be the father they deserve.
Old habits die hard. On another note, he is being released tomorrow. Here is his "story":The rehab center told my AH and 5 others that their insurance was up tomorrow. A point that I know is BS. He asks what the situation will be when he gets out. I tell him he can stay with his parents. He says OK, but an hour later tells me he is jut getting an apartment and will eventually move to the town he flies out of all the time to " get out of my way". Seriously, if he hadn't called me from rehab, I would have thought he was drunk! Sounded just like one of his manipulative ultimatums. So I told him that's great! If that's what he wants, I'm fine with that.
Then he evidently calls his dad, who proceeds to call me completely fed up with AH. Get this - he asks his dad to make arrangements for the apartment.
. My FIL also said he sounded drunk today, and is aggravated that AH has obviously not changed at all. So, unfortunately, this is where we're at. I can't say I'm surprised, and I'm not upset about the possibility of the marriage ending. I am disappointed for my boys, though. Those boys are my entire world, and I hate that he cannot be the father they deserve.
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