FireSprite

If you quit for health reasons, your health may still fail regardless & that becomes a reason to drink.

If you quit to save a marriage, other problems can easily come along & destroy it just the same & that becomes a reason to drink.

If you quit 'for' your spouse, eventually they will upset you enough to 'make' you drink.

If you quit for a job then get downsized, you could decide it was wasted effort & drink again.


By that reasoning, every failure becomes a reason to start drinking again. I've heard it referred to as 'throwing pillows ahead' which is like setting yourself up for relapse with built-in excuses. It's wonderful if these things motivate you to stay sober, but they can't be the reason that you do, make sense? You can't control the things that go on around you or decisions that other people make, but you can decide to not drink no matter what life throws at you. Just my .02.

SoberKnitter

Makes sense. I guess that I'm just talking about motivation as in one's reason to make the decision to quit. I don't think it matters why you make the decision.

But we're talking about a spouse in this thread, so I'm just wondering why said spouse needs to express the correct motivation as evidence of his intention not to drink. If he stops drinking to save the marriage, and the marriage doesn't work out and he starts drinking again, at least his wife had a sober husband while it lasted, so for her purposes it shouldn't matter if he quits for the "wrong" reasons.

I just hate the thought control aspect of it all. What should matter is whether or not the person in question is drinking or using. If he is saying all the right things, trying his best, going to meetings, has a sponsor, works the steps and committing himself fully to recovery, but still relapses constantly, then out on his butt he should go. But if he says he's only quitting to save the marriage and goes on with life and just doesn't drink... what's the problem with that?

Florence

Oh, the in-laws. They're going to have to do a go-round to come around, if they ever do.

When he's released from detox, they will probably advise he go to a halfway house or another inpatient facility because this is standard treatment protocol for addiction. Don't listen to anything but that. If it's feasible, encourage that. If he's not willing to do what it takes to get clean and stay clean and repair his relationships, it will be clear very quickly.

My AH came out of rehab three times in less than two years, and two of them he had every intention of staying sober but didn't put in the effort to keep it that way. They literally have to relearn how to live life without booze, including social, sexual, professional, and casual interactions with other people, AND the burden of facing up to the things they did while drunk. That's a lot. That's not a fast process.

The best advice I've gotten through this process is twofold:

1) Hurry up and do nothing. You don't have to make any decisions today, so don't fold to the pressure if you're not ready. Don't react.

2) Don't listen to what he SAYS, listen to what he DOES. Anyone can say anything, but does he actually follow through? He might promise to come over and visit the kids, for example, but when he gets there, what does he do? Argues with you, ignores the kids, makes everyone feel worse. Make your decisions based on his behavior, and not on his potential.

Also, seek recovery for yourself. Al-anon, individual therapy, lots of self-care at home.

CompletelyLost4

To be honest, I don't really care what my AH's motivation is, but I do care how him entering back into the home when he isn't ready will affect my kids. I can tolerate a lot, obviously if I couldn't I wouldn't be in this situation with 4 children. But my children, who are ages 12 to 3. . . They shouldn't have to tolerate the roller coaster of their father moving back in, relapsing, moving out again, etc. That is my main concern, period. My reason for staying all these years has been to keep the family together, but the relationship between my boys and AH has became so strained that it is more harmful for AH to stay. My AH has been in detox 3 days, and out of the house for 5. Prior to entering rehab, he made 1 planned and 2 unannounced visits that left my kids shaken. I hope that our kids or whatever it may be is motivation for him to stay sober, but until I can trust that the situation is a good one for my boys, I think it is best to live separately.

wicked

Absolutely right. If he upsets the kids, especially showing up unannounced he has forfeited his right to just "drop by".

dandylion

Dear completelylost, It is good that you will have a chance to express y our concerns and feelings in the family session next Saturday.

RESIST FEELING GUILTY. You have to stay strong and committed to the welfare of yourself and your boys.

When we finally get the steam and courage to stand up for ourselves, it is predictable that there will be an outcry from those who would be more comfortable with us going back to the "status quo".

I think you deserve to be warned that your husband WILL likely become angry, accusing, blaming, possibly threatening--and, above all, pushing y our guilt buttons as hard as he can. Also, your in-laws may turn the tables on you if you don't cave to what your husband wants.

Remember, that none of them live with the feelings that you and the boys are living with!!!!!!!

You are going to need lots of support as you go through this. It is too much to bear alone.

sincerely, dandylion

CompletelyLost4

The guilt is the worst. Ugh. . . AH called tonight from detox. Wants to know if I am coming to visitation tomorrow night. I'm not, my kiddos have practice for their Easter program and I'm not missing it - trying to keep their lives happy, normal, and stress-free is all I can do right now. He did say on Saturday, his therapist wants me to come an hour early for added counseling time. That actually makes me feel a little sick. First, the most I've ever talked to anyone about how I feel about AH and the drinking has been here, so what. . .24 hours!?! Not exactly a pro at this. Secondly, he is not going to like what I have to say. And finally, I seriously do not know my AH as anything but an alcoholic. He has very few sober moments, like the hour in the morning he has coffee and showers. . .that's it. . .sobriety over. That being said, I pretty much shut down during our conversations because they end up being an argument/lecture on how I'm an idiot. What is this going to be like?

Thanks for all the support and advice. I feel so much stronger with all of your kind words!

Rosiepetal

In no way are you nuts.
You have made the right decision & a healthy one for you & your children.
Let him have some sober time & then decide.

dandylion

Completelylost, it is good that you will have the presence of therapist. The therapist can guide the session and set boundries if your husband tries to go off the "deep end" The therapist can step in if you are treated with any disrespect. If your husband does express anger---it is better for you to face it in a controlled and safe setting.

Yep, I agree it will be interesting to see what he is like "sober".

I think most people are nervous to see heir loved one in the rehab setting--especially the first time. You will do just fine!!! I'll bet you have lived through much worse than this!

Keep the faith.

dandylion

Ellvk

Hi again,
I was super nervous to go to family sessions at the inpatient facility. We had dabbled in marriage counseling in years prior, and it was NOT helpful. Anyway, meeting with a therapist who specializes in family systems and addiction? What a relief. Even though his sobriety didn't last, I got so much out of those sessions. I hope it goes well for you.
Best,
L.

luv2teachkids

Hugs and prayers...been thinking about you.

Pelican

When gas prices go over $3.50/gallon, I park the car and take the broom



and I look good on my broom.

Remember, a Witch is a

Woman
In
Total
Control of
Herself

If it starts with a B, substitute the word Babe or Beauty!!

redatlanta

Please memorize this ^^^ and repeat it to anyone who challenges you on AH 1)being removed from the house and 2) Not being able to move right back in.

Recovering2

I had to do the same family counseling thing when my BF was in treatment, met with the counselor there. I went in really angry and exhausted, waiting to be blamed. I left completely relieved and glad I went. The therapist definitely kept control of the meeting, and I got to say what I felt while my BF had to listen.

Good for you for setting and keeping boundaries. Whenever we change, we're going to get push back from those around us who are more comfortable with us in our old unhealthy roles. They can have their reactions, we don't have to base our decisions on them. If you've read the posts on here from adults who grew up in alcoholic homes, they all suffer as adults. You have no choice but to save your boys. Your IL's don't mean harm, they just don't know. They are classic enablers, and they will always back their son.

When your AH leaves treatment, he will be "sober". That is not to be confused with "recovery". My BF told me it took a good 3 weeks for the fog to even begin to lift. Your husband has a lot of work ahead of him. If he truly wants his family back, he will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Even if that means living apart for a year. A year is a speck in time. I hope you and your boys find AlAnon and AlaTeen. I think your kids could use the support of their peer group in learning that they're not to blame.

Best of luck to you....you're a fabulous Mother.....stay strong for them and for you.

CompletelyLost4

Thank you - I also feel like a year is nothing compared to living a happy, healthy life from that point on! My oldest will graduate from high school in 5 years. . . just seems crazy to think that, but I know I don't want those next 5 years to be more of the same chaos we are experiencing now! I am also worried about how this will affect my boys as adults. I keep thinking I am raising future husbands and daddies. I want my boys to be kind, something they haven't seen a whole lot of from their own dad. I don't want them to look back at this and wish I hadn't gave in and let him back in. I want to show them that sometimes doing what is right might be scary but it is worth it. And hopefully, if AH comes to his senses, they can respect their dad for his choice too.

AnvilheadII

i've never heard of visitation during DETOX. good for you for saying NO and carrying on with what is important for the kids. i bet the Easter program will be simply adorable.

Pelican

I was too.

One of the things that helped me see how unhealthy continuing my relationship with an active alcoholic would be was to take a look at the role model I was setting for my children.

I did not want my son to grow up and treat his relationship partners the way my alcoholic was treating me.
I did not want my daughter to grow up and accept the unacceptable behavior I was accepting from her future relationship partners.

I wanted more for them. I wanted more for myself.

bless5

My SIL had to kick his alcoholic father out of their house on his 18th birthday. Something his mother should have done years before. That shouldn't have been put on his young shoulders.

A quote on my refrigerator by Collen Powell - " Sometimes being responsible means pissing people off. ". (Good reminder if you are dealing with alcoholics or unhappy teenagers )

Focus on what's best for you and your kids. AlAnon is a wonderful resource. If you haven't yet, I strongly urge you to start attending. (((( hugs )))))

CompletelyLost4

Exactly. A lot of things built up to my decision to move my husband out of the house, and the biggest one came from my 5 year old. My kids are WWE fans, and my 5 year old loves to make wrestlers on this game. So, he comes in one night and wants me to see the new "awesome" guy he has made. I come in and am shocked at the name. . . let's just say it rhymed with witch. Granted, he's 5, but trust me, you could sound it out. When I asked him where he had learned that word, he said "I heard daddy call you that." Explaining to your 5 year old that the word he has heard his father call YOU is a bad word. . . never thought I'd have to do that. My sweet 5 year old. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

CompletelyLost4

[B]A quote on my refrigerator by Collen Powell - " Sometimes being responsible means pissing people off. ". (Good reminder if you are dealing with alcoholics or unhappy teenagers


I think I'll write this in my calendar for motivation!