alchiewifey

This is my first post, I've lurked for a short while and gained much insight from all of your posts and responses!

I'm curious if anyone has experienced what I'm currently going through with my alcoholic husband. He has been in outpatient treatment for his alcoholism for 10 months unsuccessfully, tomorrow he is entering inpatient. Last week I told him he either goes into inpatient treatment on my timeline (he's been talking about going for weeks) or I would be filing for a legal separation as he has been in a downward spiral for the past 6 weeks, not coming home and spending money like water and not paying bills. He decided that his "reward" for entering inpatient on my timeline would be buying himself a motorcycle (we are SO behind on everything financially). In his head he deserves it, regardless of the fact that he is neglecting to pay family (3 young kids) bills. I ended up getting involved with the motorcycle purchase and convincing his friend to not help him out with it. He left Friday for the weekend (really he's been gone for about 6 weeks anyway, just coming and going as he pleases). Now he's texting me telling me he's divorcing me, that he is going to get sober for his kids but he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I am learning not to respond to him, I think he is just baiting me to get into it with him.

Anyway, I'm kind of over the heartbreak...if he divorces me that's fine and his choice. He's the one who has destroyed this marriage with his lies, manipulation, self centeredness and alcohol obsession. I'm just curious if anyone else has been through this, I read so much about alcoholics begging to come back and being apologetic. That is just not the case here, so I go back and forth as to what is going on in his sick head. It's absolutely infuriating that he is blaming me for his misery. I don't know if inpatient treatment will deal with this and he'll see the light or if he'll come out and be physically sober but still blaming and trying to punish me.

Thanks for listening

thislonelygirl

Not exactly that scenerio but with the manipulation and lies yes
And you are right hes Baiting you. Hes also trying to get his way.
Its so common. Either trying to get his way or mad because he isnt.
He doesnt deserve anything for getting sober other than a healthy mind and body and relationships.
You do it for that reason. Not to get some sort of prize. Its not a game.
However normal motivated and responsible people would say "hey I want a motorcycle but bills and finances are lacking and when i deserve that motorcycle will be when those finances get caught up and ahead not before because as an adult those come first"
But I want to say that by joining in on the games hes playing ie saying youll leave ...settting that boundary and not following through your only setting yourself up for this sort of backlash.
As far as what inpatient will do for him or for yall...
I dont think anyone can give a correct answer. It depends on the addict entirely.
He could come out work his program stay sober and see the light
Or he could come out drink and inpatient goes down the toilet or he could get sober and still have the mentality of an addict...ie selfishness playing games immaturity so on.
For sure though you will get the break YOU deserve whilst he is in rehab and during such time you
Can focus on yourself.

Hope all works out

Justfor1

Sadly, inpatient treatment will probably not be magic. Inpatient treatment mostly points the alcoholic/addict in the right direction. It can be the start of the journey to sobriety. Many alcoholics go in and out of rehabs for years. Him wanting to buy a expensive gift (a motorcycle) with kids to feed, clothe ect... is typical of an alcoholics selfish decisions. It's best to take of yourself. It's always important to remember that statistically the odds of him getting sober are against him.

alchiewifey

Could you just explain for me why this is important to remember? Of course I hope for his sobriety but realize it may never come. I do intend to leave if he does not get sober, I will not raise 3 boys in a home with an active/lying/manipulating alcoholic.

deeker

Nothing will work until he has completely come to the realization that he can't drink anymore.. He's gotta hit that bottom. You can't tell him when that is, I have learned it is something that he is gonna have to experience himself. Complete defeat!

I was in 5 detoxes, 4 treatment centers, 5 psych wards, jail 7 times, I still wasn't ready to admit complete defeat. Complete defeat for me was when death became a most welcome option. Attempted suicide and lived.

I suppose it's different for everyone depending how much internal pain they can tolerate.But they have to be the ones who want to do it. Not for you, or the kids, but for themselves.

My 1st meeting was at age 19. I am 51 and my last drink was Feb 2nd 2012.

Longest I have been sober was about 3 years twice. Question is, Is he going to treatment cuz he wants to or is being forced too. If he is being forced too, it may not stick.

My hubby stuck by me for 31 years and is still there but you know what? I deprived him of many years he could have been happy with someone else. He has nothing but 31 years of miserable memories.

What do you want? What do you deserve? What do your kids deserve?

alchiewifey

I don't know why he's going to inpatient, I was going to file for separation and gave him the option of inpatient (which he had been talking about going to but kept putting off) because if I did file he would most likely lose his job (he has a high govt clearance, they have not known of his alcoholism and it would come out on court documents). I do believe he wants to be sober but he seems to only want to deal with the physical act of not drinking and not the mental/spiritual part of it. He's not willing to take the blame for all that's wrong in his life.

electricalguru

File while he's in treatment, have it ready when he gets out.

alchiewifey

Everything is pretty much in order, just needs to be placed before a judge. Problem is that my main goal is financial relief (he hasn't lived at home anyway) and now that he's in treatment he'll be barely making anything, so kinda pointless to pay my lawyer to keep working.

electricalguru

Do you have kids together?

alchiewifey

Yes, 3 kids under 7 and I'm a stay at home mom. I would have left already if we didn't, the fact that I don't work makes things tricky especially with this irresponsibility with money.

electricalguru

Is it to late to back out of the motorcycle deal? He don't deserve anything.

alchiewifey

Nope, he doesn't. He took a loan out on his own, there's not really anything I can do about it. When he's not drinking he's making himself feel better by spending money.

electricalguru

What a tough spot to be in. They think they are entitled to so much, I don't get it.

alchiewifey

Me neither.

electricalguru

Have you thought about a disillusion? Lawyers are very spendy.

MadInBoston

alchiewifey, my heroin addict husband has been waffling between 1) blaming me for his problems and telling me he's going to leave, and 2) admitting that he f'd up and he wants us to work on our marriage. I take it as a sign that he's 50% wanting to continue to use heroin and 50% wanting to quit. It sounds like your husband is 100% wanting to continue abusing and he knows he can't do it if he stays married to you. Also, he knows that he ruined your marriage and he's embarrassed about it but too proud to admit it. Don't be too hurt by his insensitivity. His problems, not you, are causing him to be an absolute d*ck about your marriage.

PippiLngstockng

Hi. Sorry he's making such a mess, your AH.

Mine isn't an alcoholic, hasn't controlled, isolated, terrified, manipulated, abused, lied, threatened, cheated on me, or abandoned his four children. But if he has, it is all my fault.

He went to AA a few times last summer after I kicked him out of the house. Guess what he learned there? Yep, that it's all my fault.

No, you are not alone.

Sometimes I ask myself, what DID I do that was so awful?! I gave up my career at his insistence so that he could have his, I moved into his house, stayed home and raised four magnificent children... He was angry with me for nursing the children for too long, getting too involved with their schooling, dressing them too nicely and not pushing the family into sharing his favorite sport enough (extreme sport).

Obviously, I am impossible.

My children have learned some not so good behaviors from the situation they grew up in. I wish that the first time we went to court for his scaring me, that I had spoken the truth. I didn't realize what I was truly dealing with. I thought he'd realize his mistake and stop.

He got sober, he claims, after that for two years. White knuckling. Then he slowly got worse.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. To me, if they aren't wanting to quit on their own, they might go to rehab if you push them. And then come out and take up where they left off. Or worse.

It really is progressive.

Justshy

Hmmm, are we married to the same man? My situation is very similar, read my old posts. He even bought a motorcycle recently! He went to inpatient at Christmas and then immediately moved out. He is a little over 90 days sober, but the selfishness continues. He blames everything on me but refuses to talk about anything! I know my codependent behaviors did not help things, sure, but I never poured alcohol down his throat. I agree that he is too embarrassed to take responsibility for things right now. Weird...not too embarrassed to be drunk around friends and family for years saying and doing weird and crazy things...but to embarrassed to admit he may have been in the wrong...
I hope and pray everyday that my husband will "see the light" or at least sit down and talk with me about things like an adult. We have 2 kids and while I am so happy we are living in peace right now (not financially, but mentally/emotionally), of course I want to be a happy, whole, "together" family. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

dandylion

Dear alchiewifey, it sure sounds like he is not even close to wanting recovery (for himself). It also sounds like you are being dragged toward the edge of a cliff. The welfare of yourself and your children are hanging in the balance. A harsh reality, I know. And, I am so sorry. But---there is hope for you and the kids. It would be very prudent for you to go into action while he is a way in inpatient.

He might embrace recovery---but, the probability of it being anytime soon, I believe is just wishful thinking. In any case, which route he takes will be shown by what he DOES and not what he says.

Those of us on this forum and those in alanon will be familiar with the heartache of your situation---and will understand as few others can.

very sincerely, dandylion

alchiewifey

Thanks for all your replies! I probably will not spend the money to move forward with a separation while he is in inpatient. If he decides to divorce me after he gets back he can figure out how to pay for it, my parents are covering my legal expenses. While he's in at least he won't have access to our checking account, that will be the biggest relief of all. The good thing about him going is that he had to tell his employer about his alcoholism and because of his govt clearance he will not be able to go back to work until he goes through a very thorough interview process that will include letters from his counselors. His job is one thing he will do anything to keep, sad to say but he'd ditch us before his job.