dandylion

alcheiwifey, I am also talking about preparing yourself (and thus the children) for the future--regardless of what your husband does. Dealing with alcoholism is a long hard road which can literally suck you dry. Even when the loved one does seek recovery, times can be very tough for quite a while.

I am concerned that you need more support than you have, right now. Of course, we will be here for you, regardless!

sincerely, dandylion

electricalguru

I bought my ex a brand new $45K SUV soon after rehab because I thought she deserved it. Four months later relapse and that was the beginning of the end. You should educate yourself on alcoholism and addiction while he is on his 30 day dry out. That's all that is going to be sad to say at a cost of $20k to $30k.

alchiewifey

Oh yes, thank you. I actually have lots of support and am doing what I can to move forward with or without him. He's left me here with a financial mess and I have to make decisions about selling our house or trying to save it. I'm also looking for work. I do have lots of support though, I had to reach out when this whole nightmare started about 6 weeks ago, before that I had kept his disease pretty quiet except for a few family members and very close friends.

alchiewifey

I am fairly educated on it, thank you. Nothing I can do about his choices though, I had nothing to do with the motorcycle purchase and it is only in his name.

electricalguru

I did not even know what an alcoholic was when my ex got out of rehab the first time, that is great you are educated on this horrendous disease. Keep learning and prepare for the worst after he does his 30 days.

alchiewifey

I started reading about it last spring when he first entered outpatient but last month when this started I found the book "Getting Them Sober" which is by far the BEST book I've read on the topic. I also started attending Al Anon, I really have immersed myself in learning so that I know enough not to take his crazy behavior personally!

dandylion

alchiewifey--Good. I am so glad that you have ALREADY taken these positive steps.

Please hang around and post any time you want to.

sincerely, dandylion

Hammer

A-wifey --

Your title "blames me" made me smile a little.

Thinking back a couple of years, when I was sitting in Al-Anon and asked, "What do you do when they say it is your fault that they are [fill in your blank]?" I am the only guy there, and talking all pathetic and "peanut butter mouthed."

All the women there (all women) stop and look at me, then stare, then start laughing out loud. They look back back and see my lips quivering. They stop laughing, and one says "OH Honey! We have ALL heard that, too!" Then they all started laughing again. So I started laughing, too. What else can you do?

So let me tell you what they told me --

"Oh, honey, we have all heard that, too."

So welcome to this level of the club.

===============

Comparing notes and other posts and Mrs. Hammer . . .

Now she is back about 100 days from Re-Hab. Getting a job working on folks in a Rehab center (omigod) . She is going half-way nutzo.

Went through the She Deserves a New Car routine thing, too -- what is up with THAT? Rehab and therapy has cost us $15,000 on her alone. Could have a bought a car with that.

Are these people Bratty Children for Life, or what?

CentralOhioDad

My AW once blamed me for the fact she got PMS... Yes, seriously..

It's also my fault if: the sun is not shining, it's shining too brightly, it's cold, it's too hot, our son is cranky, the people at work pissed her off, her boss is a ******** (just had to use that word), the traffic sucks, global warming, global cooling, the deficit, her alkie Mom is drinking again, etc., etc., etc...

Get the idea?

overit263

I am going through the blame game right now. Know my addict husband for 20 years, were always friends and married about six years ago. He never stayed out all night and his his using to the best of his ability until I realized his attitude was not just depression based. Kicked him out about two months ago and he did go to get help and has been in treatment in patient for about 45 days. He tells me I make him unhappy because I control the money- duh, you're an addict and we have done this dance once before. We moved out of state for his job and I was dumb to take a lesser paying job because he told me to take a break. Now I'm screwed, he quit his job two days ago without telling me and tells me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore- you know, because I'm the issue... I'm such an awful wife for putting him through college and attending NA meetings with him- pretty awful of me right? One thing Ive learned is my addict husband isn't special, he acts like most do. The guy that was so loving and affectionate is gone- yet he calls me from treatment all the time. You will get past it as will I. It's not worth them getting your goat, feel your feelings but move on from them.

jacrazz

Wow...interesting how you sat that you deprived your hubby of a better life.... He wanted to be there for you and that's special. My mom stood by my dad for 45 years and when i see her, I see sadness and wonder why she did it.

Hammer

wow. thanks.

That is concise and complete.

It is the long zombie state that can be so confusing. At least that is my musing.

Hammer

good, good, good.

The way I keep it straight -- I have three kids to take care of. None of them are named Mrs. Hammer.

(mho) You may need the parents help, later. Avoid draining them of anything. And even, no doubt, they want to help . . . tell them they are the emergency system, and you want to keep that working well in case this goes to real emergency, and avoid draining it for now.

You understand that at this point, you need your own checking/bank account?

Consider that BOTH AA and Alanon follow Tradition 7: Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

As we learn to Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs -- you will likely start to understand Tradition 7, and apply to your own life, as well, and become greatly blessed and relieved by it.

yeah . . . ummm . . . . I deal in that world a bit.

Clearances can get a bit dicey. The projects just do not need drunks, idiots and other known nuisances involved.

You have a plan if he winds up not going back to work? At least not in clearance land.

LovesVWs

My husband is in rehab right now , and 3 weeks in he still blames me. Calls home with controlling behavior still (really, who does he think I am??) I am white knuckling it for the next 5 weeks to see how it goes. But I am not holding my breath. My thought are with you.

asimplelife

I have to add that interesting phenomenon of blaming...

I left my husband, as I mentioned in my thread, almost a year and a half ago. A few weeks after I left, my AH was arrested for public intoxication and being out after curfew and forging a leave slip. (Military overseas) The ALMOST funny part of it... he blames me. I wasn't even in the country for it and he tells the story so differently. As if I was there and I made him do those things. He was forced into an alcohol counseling (waste of time!) program and the whole time (nine months!) he blamed me every single day.

"I can't get past my anger at you every time I have to go to the amy winehouse class you got me into..."

As you see... they love to blame. (Oh and he is a bit of a d*ck, too)

overit263

I feel fortunate that mine is blaming me for his unhappiness. My husband knew he wasn't going to do this to me again after the first time and still be married to me. He's taken control of the situation in his mind, and it confused me at first because he suddenly didn't care about me at all when he was so loving and affectionate until this point. It makes it easier when they don't want to come back to you. I finally am able to leave my purse in the living room if I want to, instead of with me at all times. When you get out of the marriage or relationship you fully realize how draining it has all been. My AH told me that He doesn't like the way he has to live with me because of his limited access to our money and because I "didn't want (him) to have any friends". He told me that I'm controlling and I tried to argue all of that for a few weeks until I finally acknowledged that I was arguing with someone who is sick, and isn't the person I knew and loved. I was the one who couldn't have friends because he didn't want anyone to know he was in recovery etc. I knew it was a foot in the door to relapse, but I didn't realize that I was already dealing with the addict.

Sueski

Wow. I suppose he forgot the part about Amy Winehouse dying as a result of her alcoholism? a-MA-zing.

The blame, yeah. The one that blows my mind is the one about how my sister shouldn't have been "listening to private conversations," and "putting herself in the middle of him and his wife." Hmm, she could hear him screaming at me over the phone, clearly, from several feet away. I went to her the night i ran away from home. Obviously, she set these things up, right? Specifically to persecute him, I'm sure. Oh, and he didn't do anything that bad and I had no reason to leave. Uh-huh, cause following me from room to room when I walk away from his ugly, nasty attempts at conversation, throwing things at me, slamming the door of the room I'm in, pinning me against the counter, that was all a big misunderstanding. Waking me up by tea-bagging me after I had finally gone to sleep when he passed out? that was because he was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood so we wouldn't be mad at each other anymore.

The most effed-up part? He really believes this. It makes me sad. For all of us.

HopefulinFLA

Hammer.....yes!

Asimplelife,

Ugh! It can all be so frustrating and infuriating, and sad at the same time. So sorry you've had to deal with this.

I've been blamed too. It seems that when I "tell him what to do" he claims it just makes him want/need to do it more (and he does). And by telling him what to do, he's referring to when I tell him how I feel about his drinking. So it seems I am to blame. He's made it into a no win situation, if i "tell him what to do" he'll do it more, but if i never told him how I felt well then how would he know I wasn't happy and it still wouldn't be his fault. He just can't see how ludicrous he is. They are so effing twisted in their thinking sometimes.

I've found that the best thing for me is not to engage in ridiculous conversation. If he's sober, sane, and rational I'll discuss anything with him. If not, I don't want to hear it! I just refuse to participate. Doesn't do anything to help him really but it helps me retain some semblance of sanity.

Best of luck to you and your boys. Hope you find some peace and sanity. Fingers crossed for AH finding real sobriety.

Hammer

Yeah, was laughing about that last night, too.

Almost put the youtube montage of her demise done with "Tried to make me go to Rehab," song on here.

But I figure I have to tone down the Class Clown routine.

but THIS . . . .

omigod. Just about spit out my Fruit Loops laughing when I read that one.

Belongs in a Crazy Drunk Sheet Hall of Fame or something.

fourmaggie

shift blaming...thats what the ALCOHOLIC does SO WELL....