goodstitch

When will I learn??!!

My exab asked me to stop by yesterday after leaving my mother's. I knew he had been drinking but went by anyway. (Earlier he had called and wanted me to go get him some food and wine but I refused.) I basically stayed for the 5-10 minutes it took him to crawl back in bed and pass out. Two hours later he called me and I told him I had been there. He said he couldn't believe it and started to go on about how disturbing it was. I started to cry when I was telling him how sad it made me to see him like that. That his body was there but there was no one inside. Then he says, "How do you think it feels for me?" I insisted he understand that he is the one causing it and that he needed to see how much pain it was causing me, that he was always inviting me to see this ugliness. I told him I wouldn't feel sorry for him, that he needed help. I guess I wasn't supporting his whining enough and he ends up telling me I'm not a good friend. I'M NOT A GOOD FRIEND??? He is the one drinking to the point of oblivion and I'm not a good friend! Never mind that he passed out in front of me. Honestly, I wasn't suprised. Is any of us surprised by this **** anymore?? It's always about them, isn't it? We care, we're supportive, we forgive, but because we're not under their control they take shots at us.

I always claim NC and then I get drawn back in. I let myself because I want to believe their is potential for change. But it doesn't change and the more I don't feel sorry for him and focus on my needs the uglier it gets. I texted him and told him we aren't friends and good luck. I blocked his number and his e-mail address AGAIN! I've got to stick to it this time!! Everything gets worse when I have contact with this person because he's TOXIC! He'll never be able to see what good life has to offer so long as he's drinking, but that's his problem. Once again, I'm reminding myself that it's his responsibility and I don't have to deal with it if I don't want to. I've got to stop thinking that he'll eventually see what a good thing he could have in me, if only......

GS

GreenBeans

Excellent job, Goodstitch.
NC is the best thing for YOU. He's a hateful, rambling, self centered alcoholic and you don't deserve to keep putting yourself in that situation. Go hang out with your "real" friends. Go do something for YOU, that makes YOU truly happy.
Take care!

wicked

My experience with this "eventually he will see" is that he would "see" long enough to keep me tethered. I was addicted to him.

I am a good person, intelligent, witty, charming and an excellent friend.
I had to find out on my own that I am all those things and more whether he is convinced of it or not.

As an alcoholic, I can tell you that I could not be convinced of anything that did not support and enable my alcoholic life and stinking thinking.

Please take care of yourself. This is your life.

Beth

goodstitch

Thanks GreenBeans and Beth! I know this is another reality check that the universe sends my way to test me. My patience for his whining and self-pity has waned, and the f-you's we said last night are simply me hitting another limit. Beth, I love your quote, "Dating is not an appropriate treatment modality." It's what he does to find enablers and co-dependents and it's what I cannot do until I'm stronger inside.
I know I'm a better person than this. I get to that feeling good state and then I let him back in, probably trying to relive the past. But if I've learned anything from my meetings and this forum, not to mention a marathon of "The Dog Whisperer", it's that I have to live in the present and not reward bad behavior.

Thanks again!
GS

goodstitch

I'm at a meditation meeting and after listening to a reading about the third step, I'm grateful to be here. Last night I wanted to impose my will instead of letting my higher power handle it. I can't! The universe can handle much more than I can. I have to let my A go and set myselff free of the responsibility I feel for him. This will be done in the way the universe wants it, not my way.

wicked

Thank you goodstitch.
It seems to me you have a pretty good hold of what he is doing and that you are getting tired of it.
Lexiecat is one of the best posters here. She will be back late next week.

Oh, this was a hard one for me to absorb. You mean my worry anxiety and bossy behavior (using martyrdom like my mother ) could not make the world turn, stop the rain, or make anyone act the way I wanted? Geez.
That's not fair!
LOL

Beth