new here and dealing with an alcholic bf, long

Old 03-23-2013, 11:02 AM
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new here and dealing with an alcholic bf, long

I found this site googling how to deal with an alcoholic spouse, bc my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years and have lived together almost the entire time. Figured that was close enough to a spouse. We just signed a lease on a house last month and are locked in for a year so there is no way "leaving" is an option for me.
About me: I'm a divorced mom of 3 kids. My ex and I have joint custody and I get my kids every other week. Its been that way for the past 4 years.
He and I have been together 2 years like I said. We both enjoy drinking and when we first started dating honestly it wasn't even a problem, or at least I didn't realize it was a problem, until about a year into the relationship. Of course there were signs that I see now looking back that there was a problem with his drinking. I admit that I've made excuses for him and his behavior when he is drunk. When he is sober he is such a great guy. He has a very good paying stable job. He is like a second father to my kids. We used to have a great relationship but the past 6 months has been really strained, affecting our emotional and sexual relationship. There are good days and then the bad ones. The bad ones seem to be happening more frequently lately.
The worst things hes done over the past 2 years is he hit a parked car one night after coming home from a club. He left me at a concert bc he thought I was flirting with the guys sitting near me and just waited outside until it was over. He punched a guy in the face for no reason at a family party. He has sent very nasty mean messages to people who are close to him when he is beyond drunk to push them away. He says very mean and nasty things to me when he thinks that Ive done something wrong. He'll find reasons to pick a fight with me that come from inside his head and have nothing to do with anything I've actually done. A few times when we've had drunk sex he's been way too rough and actually hurt me and made me cry. He has taken my cell phone a few times recently and read every single one of my texts and any messages on facebook and emails to make sure I'm not cheating on him. Which I have never done. After reading my texts a few weeks ago he sent the meanest insulting messages to one of my close friends bc I confided in her about his behavior one night when he was drinking and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.
The last straw was last night. We were at a concert seeing one of my favorite bands. I had a pretty good spot in the middle and he forced me by violently pushing me through people to get right up front. Then half way through the show he gets in an altercation with someone next to us, honestly I didn't see what happened or heard anything that was said bc I was watching the band, and security escorts him out. I didn't follow. After a few more songs security comes to get me and asks me to leave with him bc he was out front causing a scene. He said he was defending my honor bc someone pushed him into me and then said some **** to him. Just another one of his excuses and I"m pretty sure that he started everything. He'll always have a rude opinion about everyone else and isnt afraid to say it, which has gotten him into a few fights.
Its gotten to the point where I don't want to go out with him anymore bc he doesn't know when to stop drinking and I"m afraid of him embarrassing not only me but himself.
He always has an excuse to explain his behavior while drinking. Its never his fault. Always mine, or a friends, or another persons. Never his. His father-like mentor has tried talking to him telling him to stop drinking, go to AA, has tried getting one of his therapist friends to talk to him, even banned seeing him for months in the hope that he'll get help. Nothing works.
I work on Saturdays until mid afternoon and most times he is so hungover from the night before that all he does is sleep until 230, starts drinking at around 4 in the afternoon and then sleeps all day on Sunday too.
Occasionally he gets to this point where he feels like **** come Monday and says I'll stop drinking or I"m just going to drink on the weekend and then 2 days later he'll pick something up on his way home from work.
During the week on average he drinks a half pint and a large 32oz beer and if he gets half pint for me he'll drink some of that as well. The weekend he has a full pint, at least 2 32oz beers and then usually most of a half pint he picks up for me.
Ive gotten so used to drinking even if don't feel like it just so that he doesn't drink what he gets for me. And honestly it makes it easier to deal with his behavior if I have a drink. Even if I say don't get me anything I don't want a drink he still does. As an excuse to drink more. I do not keep alcohol in the house. A few times he says I drank more than I did to convince himself that he didn't have that much. Or I'll just dump half the bottle out and tell him I drank it when in fact I didn't.
When we moved a few weeks ago I found 4 or 5 little shots that I hid last summer so that he wouldn't drink them. He found them the other night and accused me of hiding liquor and asking if I have a problem with drinking. He always turns issues around so its never his fault.
When the kids are around and he is drinking he is on a better behavior until they go to bed. Then he'll tell me how I'm a ****** mom and need to parent them better.
I"m really just at my wits end and don't know what to do. I'm afraid to talk to anyone one about this. I have no close friends anymore thanks to him bashing the one really close friend I did have. All of our "couples" friends think he's such this great guy. And he really is, when he's not drunk.
He says we don't talk anymore but the truth is I won't talk to him when he's drinking. Bc whats the point? He'll forget what I said or distort it.
I do love him. I want to help him. I have talked to him about his drinking when he is sober. And I refuse to give up on him.
Thanks for reading my novel. Any comments are greatly appreciated. It just feels good to get all of that off my chest.
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:20 AM
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Your story is very, very familiar. I'm not quite sure why, if you were having these doubts, you signed a year's lease with him only a month ago. But whatever--we've all made poor choices as a result of living with alcoholism.

There are ALWAYS options. You are not trapped there for the next year. Leases can be broken, and he is equally responsible for the rent.

My suggestion is that you first get yourself to Al-Anon. Coming here was a great first step, but Al-Anon has a program that can help you recover from the effects of living with the insanity and chaos that goes along with having an alcoholic partner. I also suggest that you consult a lawyer about your rights and obligations with respect to the lease situation. You may not want to make a move this minute, but it's best to explore all your options.

You are at risk for physical injury if you stay in this living situation. He has already caused you physical harm, he is invading your privacy, and engaging in what amounts to stalking behavior. I suggest you also make an appointment to meet with a counselor or advocate with your local domestic violence agency.

I don't know how old your kids are, but their exposure to this is very bad for them, too. Please work on getting yourself to a better place. You've given no indication that he has the slightest interest in recovering from his alcoholism, and untreated, you can expect it to get worse--maybe MUCH worse.
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:31 AM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I think the #1 thing you should be thinking about is your children. I know you love your bf, but you love your children more. If he continues this way, it can very well get back to your ex-husband and you could lose the rights to have your children as much as you do. They will grow up wondering why you let it happen. My mother always chose her bfs over me and I will always remember that.
Take care of yourself and your children. Get out while you can, before things get worse. Because they will.
Many ((hugs)) to you.
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:32 AM
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Welcome to SR.

My story is similar to yours. Only, we got married. Sadly, we are now divorced, but gratefully so on my part because I was able to get away (and get my kids away) from the same behaviors you describe above. I didn't want a divorce; I just wanted to stop being a doormat.

Unfortunately, we don't cause them to drink, we can't cure them of it, and we can't control it through our words or passive-aggressive behaviors.

This isn't about you. It is about him and his addiction, which makes him very self-centered and externally focused, with no impulse control.

Read all you can about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good book to start with. You may have some tough choices to make, and no, you are never locked in a lease. There are ways to work with landlords especially given your circumstances. Your safety and your kids safety needs to be the priority. I don't know the laws in your state, but I knew that I could potentially lose custody of my kids if we got reported for his alcoholism and rage. It's that serious.

Keep posting and keep coming back,
~T
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:46 AM
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KaelaRose,

I agree with everything Lexie said, especially the part about getting your kids away from that kind of craziness.

I understand how easy it is to get sucked into the madness and not know how to get out. My exabf was also abusive to me--hurt me during sex and insulted me terribly all the time when he was drinking. It NEVER got better. It got worse and worse. As he got sicker, he got meaner.

Please try not to drink yourself. It is just going to complicate everything. Firstly, it's enabling your BF. And secondly, it's numbing yourself to pain you need to be feeling to make change.

There is a lot of support available to you on SR, and at Al Anon. Take care of yourself.

DoS
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Old 03-23-2013, 12:32 PM
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Familiar. Just when you think you can't stand anymore, you will allow it, playing back moments when he's sober, think you might be the one blowing things up and maybe you are the crazy one.

I get the drinking so he has less to drink, or to make it easier to be around. It's like trying to stretch your tolerance so you can wait until he gets better. I know I thought that, we hold onto threads of hope certain moments, only to have them cut again.

The reality is that the chances of him getting better are really slim. He doesn't see his problem, so, I'd say playing the lottery is a safer bet.

If there is no way out of that lease(both signed?), I guess paying your half for 11 months is out of the question to leave, sticking it out may play hell on you and your kids. Not a great situation, but you can use the time for personal growth in detachment and near the end teaching kids how to respect yourself and leave a bad situation.
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Old 03-23-2013, 12:49 PM
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And I refuse to give up on him.

you might want to think hard about that statement....and ask yourself just how much you are willing to sacrifice for someone with a confirmed progressive drinking problem, who is abusive, mean and controlling. and look deep inside and ask why you think it is YOUR job to save him.

you are not stuck. you owe him nothing. you DO owe yourself and your children a safe, sane and happy life. which you won't get with a drunk who has serious anger problems.
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:12 PM
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KaelaRose, there ARE legitimate ways to get out of a lease. One brief consultation with a local lawyer should be enough to inform you as to how.

One year is a looong time for children to be in this kind of atmosphere. Adults tend to un derestimate the amount of damage being done to the children. Since you mentioned your children---I know you are already concerned.

Please think about checking out alanon as this is too hard to do alone. It is going to get worse as time goes along---since he appears to be in deep denial.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-23-2013, 02:37 PM
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And I refuse to give up on him.

If you continue to enable his behavior you will have to give up on him.

He has given up on himself, you are providing him with a soft place to land and in the meantime you are allowing him to damage you and your children. It's a hard terrible realization, but the truth about alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease, when we allow our loved ones to continue with the same behavior over and over again, with no consequences, we make it very easy for them to continue doing the same thing over and over again.
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Old 03-23-2013, 02:38 PM
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When the kids are around and he is drinking he is on a better behavior until they go to bed. Then he'll tell me how I'm a ****** mom and need to parent them better.
If you do not think your children hear this, or feel this tension, I can tell you from personal experience that they hear it all. Feel it all.
Please put yourself first, over this raging alcoholic, so you can take care of the children.
What kind of relationship do you have with your ex husband?
Would he help you to lessen your kids exposure to this guy?

I do know what a sad spot you are in, because I have been there. I am a recovering alcoholic, an adult child of an alcoholic and a codependent. I stayed with my ex husband after I found recovery because I thought I could help him and we had two children together. My children are still paying a steep price for that decision.
Your children deserve your never give up attitude before your aggressive, addicted, abusive man.

Beth

PS, I am so glad you found your way here. You will find support and guidance here from people who have been where you are.
Keep coming back, we care very much. I know I care very much.
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Old 03-23-2013, 04:40 PM
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2 years is a very brief period of time in the scope of your life. You are dealing with an abusive, angry alcoholic. And it will get worse as the disease progresses...which it will. You have children to protect, that's a deal breaker for me. The lease is a very small problem compared to the life you are exposing your children to. Talk to a lawyer, or talk to your landlord even. Find Alanon and get help for yourself.

You have to get out of this before he turns that inability to control his anger on your children.
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Old 03-23-2013, 10:07 PM
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I'm sorry, but this guy is a PUNK!

No self control.

Bullying, fighting, accusing, causing scenes, inflicting pain on you, good lord, he is spiraling out of control in front of your very eyes. And there is not a damn thing you can do to help him. You are not his salvation.

There is nothing to give up on here, this is not a relationship. You are being held hostage by an out of control addict.

You and your kids deserve better. He has nothing to offer. I can assure you, his unacceptable behavior is going to land him in jail. It's just a matter of time. He will suck the life and every last dime you have. My God , save you and your kids.

Left untreated, his unacceptable actions will only get WORSE. That I am 1000% certain. And no child deserves to live in that hell!! EVER!!

Best to educate yourself about addiction. it's the only way to understand what you are up against, and it's not pretty!

You are fooling yourself if you think he is a good "second father" to your kids. That is not possible HE IS AN ACTIVE ADDICT.

Raise the bar for you and your kids. You deserve peace, love, security, honesty, kindness, gentleness, and this he CANNOT provide.
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Old 03-24-2013, 02:39 AM
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Originally Posted by KaelaRose View Post
I found this site googling how to deal with an alcoholic spouse, bc my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years and have lived together almost the entire time. Figured that was close enough to a spouse. We just signed a lease on a house last month and are locked in for a year so there is no way "leaving" is an option for me.
About me: I'm a divorced mom of 3 kids. My ex and I have joint custody and I get my kids every other week. Its been that way for the past 4 years.
He and I have been together 2 years like I said. We both enjoy drinking and when we first started dating honestly it wasn't even a problem, or at least I didn't realize it was a problem, until about a year into the relationship. Of course there were signs that I see now looking back that there was a problem with his drinking. I admit that I've made excuses for him and his behavior when he is drunk. When he is sober he is such a great guy. He has a very good paying stable job. He is like a second father to my kids. We used to have a great relationship but the past 6 months has been really strained, affecting our emotional and sexual relationship. There are good days and then the bad ones. The bad ones seem to be happening more frequently lately.
The worst things hes done over the past 2 years is he hit a parked car one night after coming home from a club. He left me at a concert bc he thought I was flirting with the guys sitting near me and just waited outside until it was over. He punched a guy in the face for no reason at a family party. He has sent very nasty mean messages to people who are close to him when he is beyond drunk to push them away. He says very mean and nasty things to me when he thinks that Ive done something wrong. He'll find reasons to pick a fight with me that come from inside his head and have nothing to do with anything I've actually done. A few times when we've had drunk sex he's been way too rough and actually hurt me and made me cry. He has taken my cell phone a few times recently and read every single one of my texts and any messages on facebook and emails to make sure I'm not cheating on him. Which I have never done. After reading my texts a few weeks ago he sent the meanest insulting messages to one of my close friends bc I confided in her about his behavior one night when he was drinking and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.
The last straw was last night. We were at a concert seeing one of my favorite bands. I had a pretty good spot in the middle and he forced me by violently pushing me through people to get right up front. Then half way through the show he gets in an altercation with someone next to us, honestly I didn't see what happened or heard anything that was said bc I was watching the band, and security escorts him out. I didn't follow. After a few more songs security comes to get me and asks me to leave with him bc he was out front causing a scene. He said he was defending my honor bc someone pushed him into me and then said some **** to him. Just another one of his excuses and I"m pretty sure that he started everything. He'll always have a rude opinion about everyone else and isnt afraid to say it, which has gotten him into a few fights.
Its gotten to the point where I don't want to go out with him anymore bc he doesn't know when to stop drinking and I"m afraid of him embarrassing not only me but himself.
He always has an excuse to explain his behavior while drinking. Its never his fault. Always mine, or a friends, or another persons. Never his. His father-like mentor has tried talking to him telling him to stop drinking, go to AA, has tried getting one of his therapist friends to talk to him, even banned seeing him for months in the hope that he'll get help. Nothing works.
I work on Saturdays until mid afternoon and most times he is so hungover from the night before that all he does is sleep until 230, starts drinking at around 4 in the afternoon and then sleeps all day on Sunday too.
Occasionally he gets to this point where he feels like **** come Monday and says I'll stop drinking or I"m just going to drink on the weekend and then 2 days later he'll pick something up on his way home from work.
During the week on average he drinks a half pint and a large 32oz beer and if he gets half pint for me he'll drink some of that as well. The weekend he has a full pint, at least 2 32oz beers and then usually most of a half pint he picks up for me.
Ive gotten so used to drinking even if don't feel like it just so that he doesn't drink what he gets for me. And honestly it makes it easier to deal with his behavior if I have a drink. Even if I say don't get me anything I don't want a drink he still does. As an excuse to drink more. I do not keep alcohol in the house. A few times he says I drank more than I did to convince himself that he didn't have that much. Or I'll just dump half the bottle out and tell him I drank it when in fact I didn't.
When we moved a few weeks ago I found 4 or 5 little shots that I hid last summer so that he wouldn't drink them. He found them the other night and accused me of hiding liquor and asking if I have a problem with drinking. He always turns issues around so its never his fault.
When the kids are around and he is drinking he is on a better behavior until they go to bed. Then he'll tell me how I'm a ****** mom and need to parent them better.
I"m really just at my wits end and don't know what to do. I'm afraid to talk to anyone one about this. I have no close friends anymore thanks to him bashing the one really close friend I did have. All of our "couples" friends think he's such this great guy. And he really is, when he's not drunk.
He says we don't talk anymore but the truth is I won't talk to him when he's drinking. Bc whats the point? He'll forget what I said or distort it.
I do love him. I want to help him. I have talked to him about his drinking when he is sober. And I refuse to give up on him.
Thanks for reading my novel. Any comments are greatly appreciated. It just feels good to get all of that off my chest.
Wow. Sounds oh so similiar to how my ah acts when drunk.
His mind goes on imaginary mode and next thing I know he thinks I did so or said something.
Ive even caught him talking to himself and the jealousy ...yup. that too.
Bashing closebfriends and family-been there.
Mean nastiness! Yup yup
Sex...well lol drunk hes a drooling rough mess and sex is not fun when hes been drunk.
Too gropey and rough as well.
What ive learned through my experience and here though is that the alcoholic WILL NOT change unless HE wants to and thebreason will be about HIMSELF.
Not you or the kids but about HIM and sometimes the addict has NO bottom. Sadly.
So my suggestion to you is to stay on here and reach out elsewhere. Take care of you.
If hes driving away friends or family...leave him at home and YOU go enjoy yourself.
If he gets jealous. Let him and if he is being unreasonable dont talk back (if at all podsible) and if he is rough with intimacy dont be intimate while hes been drinking.
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:35 AM
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KaelaRose, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've got a 30-mortgage with my A, so I can understand the trapped feeling. But as others have said, there are legitimate ways out of a lease. Can you talk to your landlord or management company to see what your options are? I'm no lawyer, but in looking up NJ lease laws, there is a clause allowing a tenant to break a lease "If by continuing to live at the rental unit, a tenant, or a tenant’s child faces an imminent threat of serious physical harm from another named person." (Pamphlet/info link here.) It sounds like things are escalating. Please consider consulting a lawyer who can advise you of your rights here, and please consider reaching out to your local domestic violence agency as LC suggested. There are ways out. Your children need you and YOU need you, and it's so easy to get lost in the drama that comes with living with an A.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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