Why?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
Why?
At night when he is drunk, I want to be anywhere but here. In the morning, when he is still drunk and crabby, I want to be anywhere but here. Yet mid morning till the time he starts drinking again, all I want to do is be here. It is like I am clinging to those good, sober moments. I have errands to run. I have things I want to do with my kids today. Yet, in the back of my head I know if I go, he will start drinking earlier in the day. I just want "now" to last.
I know this is bad...and I know you all are going to jump all over this post
That's exactly why I posted...please help me through the thinking on this one..
I know this is bad...and I know you all are going to jump all over this post
That's exactly why I posted...please help me through the thinking on this one..
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, trust me, I totally get it.
Here's the thing, though. Your staying home doesn't make one bit of difference what he does. You could be house-bound because of an accident or illness, and he would eventually have to feed his addiction.
I did a pretty good job, I thought, of "managing" my alcoholic drinking. I would go so far as to avoid my normal after-work drinking if I had an event to attend, and if it was a work-related event where alcohol was served, I would keep to a ladylike two drinks, max, sipping them very slowly. The minute I left I would be racing home to get my proper "dosage"--many, many drinks.
If you enjoy your time together when he isn't drinking, then enjoy it. Just recognize that your being there isn't what magically prevents him from drinking. All it will do is maybe postpone it for a bit.
If you've got things you want to do with your kids, I suggest you make that a priority, though. Living in an alcoholic home is very lonely and confusing for kids, especially if their mom is focusing all her attention on the alcoholic. You can't do anything for your husband by staying home, but you might be doing LOTS of good for your kids (and yourself) by spending the time with them instead.
Here's the thing, though. Your staying home doesn't make one bit of difference what he does. You could be house-bound because of an accident or illness, and he would eventually have to feed his addiction.
I did a pretty good job, I thought, of "managing" my alcoholic drinking. I would go so far as to avoid my normal after-work drinking if I had an event to attend, and if it was a work-related event where alcohol was served, I would keep to a ladylike two drinks, max, sipping them very slowly. The minute I left I would be racing home to get my proper "dosage"--many, many drinks.
If you enjoy your time together when he isn't drinking, then enjoy it. Just recognize that your being there isn't what magically prevents him from drinking. All it will do is maybe postpone it for a bit.
If you've got things you want to do with your kids, I suggest you make that a priority, though. Living in an alcoholic home is very lonely and confusing for kids, especially if their mom is focusing all her attention on the alcoholic. You can't do anything for your husband by staying home, but you might be doing LOTS of good for your kids (and yourself) by spending the time with them instead.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Oh, yeah. I get it.
Does not matter what level *we* come in on this -- as partners of Alkies, Addicts, Eating Issues, "Nons" to a BPD-type (geee, we hit all 4) -- the story comes out the same -- Why? Why are *we* there? What did you / *we* want?
First when I was asked that -- I said the happy little home, happy family, white picket fence. Simple, happy, just the basics. That was/is all I really wanted.
Talked about it some at an discussion Al-Anon meeting. About the second step -- return us to sanity. What if there was/is no sanity to return to? And we boiled it down further -- What *we* want -- came down to a very simple -- To Love and Be Loved.
But here is the real deal. Mentally Ill people -- whether Alkies, Addicts, ED, BPD, or a whole host of other names, nicknames, or whatever -- severely Lack the Capacity to Love or Be Loved. Key feature of Mental Illness.
I am recalling that from P 101 class in Community College over 30 years ago.
I can still see the prof sitting on the front edge of his desk discussing that with us.
Seems I forgot that somewhere along the way.
Silly me.
Does not matter what level *we* come in on this -- as partners of Alkies, Addicts, Eating Issues, "Nons" to a BPD-type (geee, we hit all 4) -- the story comes out the same -- Why? Why are *we* there? What did you / *we* want?
First when I was asked that -- I said the happy little home, happy family, white picket fence. Simple, happy, just the basics. That was/is all I really wanted.
Talked about it some at an discussion Al-Anon meeting. About the second step -- return us to sanity. What if there was/is no sanity to return to? And we boiled it down further -- What *we* want -- came down to a very simple -- To Love and Be Loved.
But here is the real deal. Mentally Ill people -- whether Alkies, Addicts, ED, BPD, or a whole host of other names, nicknames, or whatever -- severely Lack the Capacity to Love or Be Loved. Key feature of Mental Illness.
I am recalling that from P 101 class in Community College over 30 years ago.
I can still see the prof sitting on the front edge of his desk discussing that with us.
Seems I forgot that somewhere along the way.
Silly me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
This sounds so familiar. I look forward to my girlfriend's hangover days when she doesn't drink, or at least not nearly as much. I see glimpses of her and it's like it was in the beginning. I can't bring myself to get stuff done around the house or run errands because I know she'll get bored and start. I rush home from school so that I can be with her on the off days. But I realize I even do it on the on days because I hope that I can distract her enough to keep her from starting. As I type this I know how crazy it is. I have no control over her actions. I KNOW, but it seems so different in the moment. I'm more optimistic in the middle of it.
I have no advice to give as I'm in the same situation. Sending good thoughts your way.
I have no advice to give as I'm in the same situation. Sending good thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 28
Yep, I certainly can relate. But you imply that during the "now" or good time you are almost cringing, waiting... knowing the "now" is limited. Once that window transpires you will move along to the tasks that may move you out of the house. You are planning your family's schedule on his addiction.
I re-aligned my work schedule... her drinking never changed... (it only helped with my kids' homework.)
I re-aligned my work schedule... her drinking never changed... (it only helped with my kids' homework.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's two sides of the same coin....you live in the moments between drinks...he lives for the moment of the next drink.
not wanting to be in our own home is such a sad place. I lived "there" until I just couldn't anymore and left, created a new "home" - a place I wanted to be.
from what you shared, you aren't getting SOBER moments, you are just getting NOT DRUNK YET moments.
not wanting to be in our own home is such a sad place. I lived "there" until I just couldn't anymore and left, created a new "home" - a place I wanted to be.
from what you shared, you aren't getting SOBER moments, you are just getting NOT DRUNK YET moments.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
Well, I left to do my own thing. He left too...drunk and driving. GRR. One of these days he is going to hurt somebody. I know I shouldn't but I check the bank account just to kinda have an idea where he is....last stop he was about an hour north of my home.
I've received several nasty text messages....that too, confirms he is drunk.
on the flip side, the kids and I have had a great day.
I've received several nasty text messages....that too, confirms he is drunk.
on the flip side, the kids and I have had a great day.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Luv, I think any one of us who has watched our loved one going down this path knows EXACTLY what you are talking about.
I suspect that you already know that you can't control him. It is accepting this fact that just makes one want to fall to the ground in fetal position and cry. (At least I did).
sincerely, dandylion
I suspect that you already know that you can't control him. It is accepting this fact that just makes one want to fall to the ground in fetal position and cry. (At least I did).
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 76
Yup..there's no controlling him. He is going to do what he wants. Even my youngest (11) said in the truck today, "You know mom, he's going to choose to do what he wants. We just gotta make sure we choose not to get yelled at!" Then he went on to tell me how much he likes hanging out with me when we leave....sigh.
At least on that side, I know I am doing the right thing without a doubt. We have started to leave at the first side of his drinking, and we don't return till I know he is sleeping.
In the case of today, he is out and I am here. So it is just a matter of time before he comes home trashed...I swear there is a huge side of me that just prays the cops pick him up while he is out. He needs some sort of wakeup call... The only problem is it took years before his first DUI...something tells me the odds of them getting him are slim. I just hate the thought of him driving out there...
At least on that side, I know I am doing the right thing without a doubt. We have started to leave at the first side of his drinking, and we don't return till I know he is sleeping.
In the case of today, he is out and I am here. So it is just a matter of time before he comes home trashed...I swear there is a huge side of me that just prays the cops pick him up while he is out. He needs some sort of wakeup call... The only problem is it took years before his first DUI...something tells me the odds of them getting him are slim. I just hate the thought of him driving out there...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by luv2teachkids 
Even my youngest (11) said in the truck today, "You know mom, he's going to choose to do what he wants. We just gotta make sure we choose not to get yelled at!" Then he went on to tell me how much he likes hanging out with me when we leave....sigh.
I hope that you and your children find a safe place to live someday.
Sending you strength and hope.
db
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
