Avalon393

I swear. When I am "detached" from my abf, it is amazing. Our whole RELATIONSHIP is better. He is checking in with ME. Dancing around my schedule and respecting my boundaries. I no longer give him my power, and I feel free, he doesn't try to push my buttons because he knows he can't. It's when I slip that all h*ll breaks loose. He even looked at me tonight and said "what happened?!". On my way home from work I was getting multiple texts from my uncle making me feel like crap for staying in the situation when I didnt even ask his opinion on it. I know he means well though, so I guess I started mentally resenting my ABF as I read them. After that I began to cook dinner when my abf waltz's in from work carrying a handle of rum and a 2 liter of coke, announcing that he's is JUST going to drink these from now on so he can lose his new beer belly (What the ?!) perfect! What kind of logic is that? Anyways.... I keep my mouth shut and continue cooking, after a few shots he comes over, tastes one of the sides I'm preparing and goes "ew!" Then spits it in the sink. Still I stay quiet. I manage to finish up and then during dinner he pours himself another shot and that is when I've had it. I promptly announce that I have NEVER known anyone who unwinded from work with multiple shots of rum that wasn't a full blown alcoholic. (he is still in denial)-& that's when it all went down hill. He of course starts yelling about how I always complaining and whatever else. I know tomorrow morning he will be a jerk and I will have to start all over. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I do hair and listen to all of my clients talk about their great partners and I am so envious. I guess I am just waiting for a miracle & the man I used to know to come back... Thanks for letting me share.

dandylion

Dear avalon, detachment is not meant as a way for you to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behavior. Detachment, alone, is not going to repair a toxic relationship or curb an alcoholic's drinking.

Please stay around and learn as much as you can from others who have dealt with this dreadful disease.

sincerely, dandylion

luv2teachkids

Avalon, I am there with you. If I didn't know better, I'd say I posted that. You sound like you are trying to detach...but do you have any other support system? Are you going to alanon meetings? I only ask because I am doing the same as you and everyone on this site is insisting that I am only at the beginning of helping myself. We could have it so much better if we both continue to learn more and learn to take care of ourselves better.

Please stay in touch..

imallright

OH, I hear you. However, detachment is not tolerating. It is not about finding ways to make yourself feel better about someone else's behavior you don't like. You deserve to be treated with respect and to not have to listen to his quacking. Go easy on you, and be true to you. Hugs

marie1960

"guess I am just waiting for a miracle & the man I used to know to come back... (Avalon)


^^^^^ This my friend, is what held me back^^^^^

When I stopped hoping he would change, my life improved. I had to take all the hope and goodwill I had for him, and invest it in ME.

He was no longer that wonderful guy. Addiction consumed that man. He was gone.

Living in my today, I had acknowledge that if I had just met him in his current state, I would not ever entertain getting involved with him. He was NOW an obnoxious, hateful, cruel, know-it -all man. He had nothing to offer. Hanging on to the memory, of "how it used to be" was holding me back from living a healthy life.

You do have choices. You get to decide what is best for YOU.

electricalguru

What an a$$hole. The things I/we (used) put up with. Looking back in my marriage I have asked myself how and why did I put up with similar behavior and why did I put my kids through that? I feel a lot of guilt and remorse for my babies. We are in a better and happier place now. It's still hard but everyday it's getting easier.

pravchaw

Detachment is about living our own life, and allowing your loved one to live theirs. It is about recognizing our powerlessness over their addiction.

Don't allow your loved one to depend on you. Don't allow yourself to enable him or her. Help him or her to stand on his or her own two feet. It's the only way. If you are some how dependent on him, you need to change that. Addicts are just not dependable.

With our 21 yo son, who is actively using marijuana, we found it impossible for him to live at home and detach. He was not serious about recovery (or for that matter anything else). Finally we asked him to leave. He is still active, but surviving and learning how to live. We still love him, and worry about him, but from afar. If and when he is ready to recover, we will help him if we can.

CeciliaV

Oh, avalon, I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry. I think we all wish that we could have that miracle - that one day, we would just wake up and the person we know is back, really back to how and who they were before the drinking.

And I understand how difficult it can be to hear others talk about their lives and their partners and how awesome everything is. But do remember - people don't advertise their pain and hurt easily or often. What you're hearing from your clients is their "stage life." I've got a lot of tumult in my life right now, and I sure don't project that to anyone but those who are closest to me. From the outside, it looks like I'm doing pretty damn good. On the inside, not so much.

Please don't beat yourself up. You're a human being with feelings, and your feelings were understandably hurt by his behavior. You cannot change him, but you can work on you. I know this hurts and it's a struggle, some days more so than others. Keep at it! I'm rooting for you. Sending you strength & hugs.