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Hello, I'm new. Relationship is falling apart, not sure what to do at this point.



Hello, I'm new. Relationship is falling apart, not sure what to do at this point.

Old 03-22-2013, 08:07 PM
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Unhappy Hello, I'm new. Relationship is falling apart, not sure what to do at this point.

I'm new here. I found this site via google and I am so thankful that I did. I have no idea what my next step should be and I can't talk to anyone about this. No one knows about this stuff. I have been covering for her with my family, with her family, friends, everyone.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. When we met it was an instant spark but now it's constant fighting. I still love her very much though.

As I type this she is in our bedroom recovering from her bender last night. She has a pretty consistent routine where she drinks herself into a stupor every other night. Night 1 is for blackout drinking. Day 2 she goes to work in the morning (often still drunk) then she spends the rest of the day recovering from the night before. The next morning she gets up and repeats the cycle. She admits she drinks too much but she doesn't think she's an alcoholic. She grew up with an alcoholic father and she doesn't see herself as she sees him. Her siblings also have issues with drinking.

On an average night she'll drink half a liter of vodka and 4-5 beers. Weekends it's more. Probably 3/4 bottle of vodka plus beer. She doesn't consider this too much. Honestly I don't even know because I've been known to drink as much as that in my hard partying days and also I was raised around alcoholics and I don't think she drinks as much as them but they were men. But I get so sad to see her this way. She is slurring her words, she falls down or runs into walls, she will repeat the same sentence literally over and over and then she gets mad when I don't want to sit around watching her drink til 4 in the morning. I hate to even think of what all the drinking is doing to her organs. I get so sad when I think of the kids we used to talk about having someday. Now I can't imagine how that can ever happen.

I gave her an ultimatum last night. I said I couldn't do this anymore and she has to change or I'm leaving. Of course I took it back seconds later and now she isn't speaking to me. She turned the whole thing around on me and said I'm manipulative and that she doesn't want to be with me if it's so easy for me to just walk away.

If it's over I just want her to understand why and to know that it's not easy and that I do love her. But really, I'm not ready for it to be over. I can't bring myself to walk away even though we technically broke up last night then again this morning. I'm just such a mess right now and I don't know what to do.
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Old 03-22-2013, 08:21 PM
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If you're not ready to leave her, then stop giving her ultimatums. All that does is show that you don't mean what you say. And, not to make you feel worse, but she's right about one thing--what you have been doing IS manipulative. Your intentions are good, but you can't do anything to MAKE her stop drinking, and to try to do it with ultimatums is simply an indirect way of trying to do so--i.e., manipulation.

We all know how painful this kind of life is for you. It's painful for her, too, but you can't do anything about her pain--just your own.

Stick around-you will find lots of support and constructive suggestions. I also suggest you get yourself to Al-Anon. You can't change her, but you can change YOUR life.
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Old 03-22-2013, 08:26 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information.

Some of the things I learned since I came here:

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse if untreated.

Alcoholics will manipulate, minimize, lie, deny, distort, deny, and deny.

I learned I didn't Cause it
I can't Control it
I won't Cure it
(referred to as the 3 C's)

When you gave her an ultimatum, you drew a line in the sand. She crossed the line and continued to drink. What happens next?
If you want her to take you seriously, then you end the relationship ~ as hard as it is to leave you do it for yourself.
If you stay, you are showing her that you don't take yourself seriously ~ and she will learn that she can push your limits. She has learned that you will keep accepting unacceptable behavior over and over again.

I recommend you spend some time reading in our permanent posts at the top of this main page. I find lots of wisdom in those posts. This is a link to one of my favorite posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 03-22-2013, 09:12 PM
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This is not your fault. None of this is your fault. We are flying blind when alcoholism enters our lives, and we are extremely vulnerable to an alcoholic when we fear losing that person for good.

We try to outmaneuver the addiction (which is a disease of the brain and beyond our control), we try to bargain with the alcoholic (only 3 drinks a day, only on weekends, only beer, only when we go out to dinner, etc), we cry, beg, plead, threaten, lecture, and punish with silence or with shouts....but nothing we do cures the alcoholic or the addiction.

If you have a desire to marry this woman one day, then the only chance you have for a healthy relationship some day --far out in the future-- is if you both go into recovery.

Generally the sequence of things is the loved one goes into recovery first, changes his enabling/codependent behaviors toward the alcoholic, and then one of two things happens:

1. the alcoholic experiences the full consequences of her addiction, and those consequences could be a break-up, a separation, a DUI, the loss of a job, a health crisis, or other kinds of serious crises. The alcoholic eventually reaches a point of dark hopelessness and enters recovery. The relationship is resumed after a long period of stable sobriety and personal growth by both individuals. (one would hope).

or 2. The alcoholic continues drinking in spite of all negative consequences, and the partner has such low self-worth and is so isolated and controlled by the alcoholic that he stays with her no matter how poorly he is treated nor how many of his most basic needs are being unmet. In this scenario it is not uncommon for the relationship to eventually end anyway, as alcoholics are often unfaithful to their partners, having lowered inhibitions when intoxicated, or resentments during the dry periods.

If you would like to give #1 a go, then you will do well to start attending Al-Anon faithfully. If your relationship is like most with an alcoholic, you will break up, make up, have a pink cloud period, break up again, make up again, another pink cloud, and this could go on for years. But if you go to Al-Anon and work on your own issues as they relate to your own values, your own principles and goals, and your own recovery from being codependent in a relationship of addiction, you will, over time, become clearer, stronger, and able to sail your own ship no matter what she is doing.
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Old 03-22-2013, 09:20 PM
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One thing I have learned about alcoholism is, the amount of alcohol doesn't really matter. What matters is that it's a problem.
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Old 03-22-2013, 09:24 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. I know what I should do but I don't know if I can do it. I will keep reading and learning until I'm strong enough to leave. I guess I have guilt and shame and confusion over all this. When we met we both drank a lot. I sometimes feel bad that it was so easy for me to stop. I see her going through withdrawal symptoms when she hasn't had a drink in a day or so and that is so sad. I never thought this was going to be my life. I thought we were going to be old ladies sitting on the porch and growing old together. I haven't accepted yet that it's not going to happen. But I'm getting there.
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Old 03-22-2013, 09:25 PM
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Hello Papo79,

wow! Your gf's pattern of drinking is exactly like mine before I started recovery. Every other night. My siblings and my father are/were alcoholics. My exhusband was an addict too.

I am so glad you found your way here. You are not alone.

Beth
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Old 03-22-2013, 09:34 PM
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I don't think you have to leave now if you aren't ready. Just start going to Al-Anon, read everything on SR, work on yourself, and don't make anymore ultimatums unless you intend to follow up. You can do that. In time, things will become more clear and easier for you to deal with. This isn't something that has to be resolved today. I'm sorry you are going through this.. Hugs..Erika.
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Old 03-22-2013, 11:49 PM
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i'm sorry you are going through this. I dated an addict/alcoholic for 2 years and it was tough.

like others said, you don't have to leave now. I knew I was going to have to leave eventually but I realized I couldn't do it until I was ready. Also, I had been doing a lot of "drawing boundaries" then letting him cross them...doesn't do any good. Taught him that I don't mean what I say, that he can disrespect my boundaries, and taught both of us not to trust anything I say. Stating ultimatums without knowing that you can follow through is a bad idea. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That was a big lesson for me!

Other than that, hang in there. If you don't feel ready to leave, don't. I would definitely go to some al-anon though...start working on yourself.
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Old 03-23-2013, 04:25 AM
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It's tough to get well and stay strong. Keep reading and keep thinking of you. This behavior doesn't change.... it gets worse, unless the person with the problem wants to change. Focus on what you want and fixing you
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