Another day- Should I vent or cry....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Another day- Should I vent or cry....
So mid last week, I got a call from the EXAG, who as you can tell by now I am still having a hard time letting go. We both have been unsucessful at no contact. We can go several days, then one of us (usually me) will call or text. While as you know from previous posts, her sponsor has been very insistant about no contact. But last week she let up, hence the call. Her sponsor agreed that we could spend some time together. I have been doing small things to help her out - a few rides to grocery store, AA meetings, DUI school, etc. I've even taken her puppy a few days (I work out of my house, and I really like him). I do not consider any of these to be "Cleaning up her messes."
Last Thursday she texted that she would like to spend Friday night with me after DUI school. I picked her up from school, dropped her at AA meeting for an hour. Then we did some shopping, went to dinner and a movie. We didn't talk about anything deep, and just enjoyed each others company- held hands, kissed, snuggled during movie, etc. It was very nice. I am still so attracted to her, and like being with her. She asked me to spend the night, which I did. There was no real deep talk about anything of substance (i.e. relationship, her fears about court, etc), but it was still nice to be physically close with her again.
Over the next couple of days, we talked a few times, sent nice texts back and forth, etc. Things were not chaotic. It felt good. I stopped by her apartment on Tuesday night. And there she was- passed out cold on the couch, stinking like alcohol. She had walked up to her daughters high school flag football game, left early, walked up to Walgreens and bought wine and beer and got drunk. There are no Vodka stores within walking distance.
Now she is rotten and cold to me again, and sponsor and therapist have stated no contact. Along with the same old tagline of "I need to spend time alone to work on me and learn to love myself," EXAG stated that I am a trigger. I got the pity statements of "I don't even know why you would want me, you deserve better, I cannot give you what you need, and even that she is afraid that I am not serious about my love for her, etc."
How am I a trigger? Because I gave her a few rides, bought her dinner and a movie, and watched her puppy? Because I scratched her back and rubbed her shoulders? I was not applying any pressure, or demands, etc. I didn't even ask her when we would see each other again. I am beating myself up trying to figure out what I did wrong.
I am also again realizing how bad her relapses hurt me (and have been for so many years). They crush my hope for her and her recovery. This in turn crushes my hope for a future with her. If I could just extinguish that hope that I am hangin on to, and realize that she will never change no matter how much she tells me she want to, I think I could let go.
Last Thursday she texted that she would like to spend Friday night with me after DUI school. I picked her up from school, dropped her at AA meeting for an hour. Then we did some shopping, went to dinner and a movie. We didn't talk about anything deep, and just enjoyed each others company- held hands, kissed, snuggled during movie, etc. It was very nice. I am still so attracted to her, and like being with her. She asked me to spend the night, which I did. There was no real deep talk about anything of substance (i.e. relationship, her fears about court, etc), but it was still nice to be physically close with her again.
Over the next couple of days, we talked a few times, sent nice texts back and forth, etc. Things were not chaotic. It felt good. I stopped by her apartment on Tuesday night. And there she was- passed out cold on the couch, stinking like alcohol. She had walked up to her daughters high school flag football game, left early, walked up to Walgreens and bought wine and beer and got drunk. There are no Vodka stores within walking distance.
Now she is rotten and cold to me again, and sponsor and therapist have stated no contact. Along with the same old tagline of "I need to spend time alone to work on me and learn to love myself," EXAG stated that I am a trigger. I got the pity statements of "I don't even know why you would want me, you deserve better, I cannot give you what you need, and even that she is afraid that I am not serious about my love for her, etc."
How am I a trigger? Because I gave her a few rides, bought her dinner and a movie, and watched her puppy? Because I scratched her back and rubbed her shoulders? I was not applying any pressure, or demands, etc. I didn't even ask her when we would see each other again. I am beating myself up trying to figure out what I did wrong.
I am also again realizing how bad her relapses hurt me (and have been for so many years). They crush my hope for her and her recovery. This in turn crushes my hope for a future with her. If I could just extinguish that hope that I am hangin on to, and realize that she will never change no matter how much she tells me she want to, I think I could let go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
listen closely....YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. you are NOT the reason she drinks. that's some messed up thing inside her own head. she left her daughter's GAME to go get drunk!!! maybe it was the football that triggered her? all those whistles. too much fresh air. what day was it?
this is what you get, crazed. same thing you've been getting. you are having a relationship with a fictitious future CHANGED person in your head....you are living in the land of IF. time to hop in the transporter and get back to the land of IS.
what YOU want, she ain't got to give. probably never will. she is who she IS. and that's not what you want. so do both of you a favor and....LET GO.
might be good to revisit your original post:
So I have been with my AG for 13 years. She has had periods of sobriety and clarity (max of about 3 years), but for the most part, not much serenity. We've had periods apart (not more than 6 months), then always end up back together. Even while not drinking, there has been chaos. A few months after first rehab in 1999, she decided to do 13 steps instead of 12. Also had another affair back in about 2004 (while not drinking). This was blamed on me not be available to her needs (we were both going through some crisis at that time). She began relapsing in 2007, and it went on until March of this year. Drinking consisted of 1 or 2 day periods when I was out of town, followed by maybe 1-5 months of sobriety, and the cycle repeated. She was active in AA the majority of time, and has a drawer full of white chips. Things came to a head in March, and finally told her she had to go to rehab or move out. The next day, she went to her employed EAP and did - rehab for 40 days. I visited, and also went through intense family counseling with her for a solid weekend (about 30 hours). We were very open, and I felt like we again were very connected. At "completion," her counselors recommended 90 days in a halfway house vs coming home, which she did. She finally came home in July, at which time we really connected for a few weeks. I was thinking all would be ok.
this is what you get, crazed. same thing you've been getting. you are having a relationship with a fictitious future CHANGED person in your head....you are living in the land of IF. time to hop in the transporter and get back to the land of IS.
what YOU want, she ain't got to give. probably never will. she is who she IS. and that's not what you want. so do both of you a favor and....LET GO.
might be good to revisit your original post:
So I have been with my AG for 13 years. She has had periods of sobriety and clarity (max of about 3 years), but for the most part, not much serenity. We've had periods apart (not more than 6 months), then always end up back together. Even while not drinking, there has been chaos. A few months after first rehab in 1999, she decided to do 13 steps instead of 12. Also had another affair back in about 2004 (while not drinking). This was blamed on me not be available to her needs (we were both going through some crisis at that time). She began relapsing in 2007, and it went on until March of this year. Drinking consisted of 1 or 2 day periods when I was out of town, followed by maybe 1-5 months of sobriety, and the cycle repeated. She was active in AA the majority of time, and has a drawer full of white chips. Things came to a head in March, and finally told her she had to go to rehab or move out. The next day, she went to her employed EAP and did - rehab for 40 days. I visited, and also went through intense family counseling with her for a solid weekend (about 30 hours). We were very open, and I felt like we again were very connected. At "completion," her counselors recommended 90 days in a halfway house vs coming home, which she did. She finally came home in July, at which time we really connected for a few weeks. I was thinking all would be ok.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
That is some problem history.
Maybe look into some matters beyond alcohol.
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners is a good start.
At any rate -- you are NOT "the problem."
Maybe look into some matters beyond alcohol.
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners is a good start.
At any rate -- you are NOT "the problem."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Crazed, the way you are behaving is EXACTLY like an alcoholic.
THIS time I can control it; THIS time it will be different.
Nope, it isn't, is it?
The alcoholic has to put down the drink, and YOU need to put down the alcoholic. It will NEVER end well, unless you BOTH recover. And if YOU recover, at least YOU have a chance at a decent life.
Every time you see her, and rekindle all those warm-n-fuzzy feelings, it is EXACTLY like the alcoholic taking that first, wonderful, awful drink. Relief and bliss, until the morning after.
THIS time I can control it; THIS time it will be different.
Nope, it isn't, is it?
The alcoholic has to put down the drink, and YOU need to put down the alcoholic. It will NEVER end well, unless you BOTH recover. And if YOU recover, at least YOU have a chance at a decent life.
Every time you see her, and rekindle all those warm-n-fuzzy feelings, it is EXACTLY like the alcoholic taking that first, wonderful, awful drink. Relief and bliss, until the morning after.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Lexie is dead on the money. She is your drug. Lather...Rinse....Repeat. This will never change unless one of you changes....and it's not going to be her. She gets to continue drinking, and she can pull you right back in when it suits her.
What exactly are you afraid of? What awful outcome will happen to you if you leave this damaging relationship? This isn't love, this is addiction and disease. You deserve better, and it's out there for you. But you have to want it bad enough to do the hard stuff now. I learned in the family recovery program I attended "the only way through something is through it". We can try a hundred different ways to get around something, to find an alternate route....but in the end we have to tie up our laces and walk through it.
There is TRULY peace and serenity out there Crazed.
What exactly are you afraid of? What awful outcome will happen to you if you leave this damaging relationship? This isn't love, this is addiction and disease. You deserve better, and it's out there for you. But you have to want it bad enough to do the hard stuff now. I learned in the family recovery program I attended "the only way through something is through it". We can try a hundred different ways to get around something, to find an alternate route....but in the end we have to tie up our laces and walk through it.
There is TRULY peace and serenity out there Crazed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Crazed 
Her sponsor agreed that we could spend some time together. I have been doing small things to help her out - a few rides to grocery store, AA meetings, DUI school, etc. I've even taken her puppy a few days (I work out of my house, and I really like him). I do not consider any of these to be "Cleaning up her messes."
Even if her sponsor gave her the A-ok to break NC, it doesn't make it the right thing FOR YOU. It's come up before in your posts that your codependency is worse in some ways than her addiction.
You can't really be surprised that she keeps resorting to the same behaviors? You can't really be examining the words of an active alcoholic for truth, are you? Of course you aren't responsible for her drinking problem!
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