Not even a day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Blaine, MN
Posts: 13
Not even a day
Hi All,
I have posted before, about a guy that I had started dating and fell pretty hard for. My mind knew that it was a bad deal, and that I should have walked away a long time ago, but I didn't. I wanted to see the good in this person, in fact, I did see the good in this person, which didn't necessarily blind me to the bad, but certainly clouded my judgment.
He is a great guy, a smart guy. We are both professional, we are both educated, we both come from great families. He has people who care about him, he has people who will support him, he has the intellect that should be able to help him see just how big of a mess this has all become.
When I met him, he told me he was in recovery. We had a great time together. He is completely someone who I could see myself with for a long time, funny, smart, outgoing, personable.. honestly, just about anything that I had ever looked for in a guy (isn't that how this story always goes).
He then started drinking again. He fell pretty hard and pretty fast, he's the bender type of alcoholic. Locked up in a hotel room, pint after pint after how much ever the bigger ones are, ends up in detox. I tried to help him, I'd "save" him from the hotels. I'd pick him up from detox. I'd give him a safe place to stay, thinking that he was just "waiting" for the help he needed.
He ended up missing a court date for one of his several DWI's. He ended up in Jail. First he told me it would only be a couple days. Then he said only a month. It was a constant.. "this is when I'm getting out" "oh wait, no I'm not". I took care of him while he was in there, made sure his insurance was paid as so he would keep his insurance, he received treatment in the jail, which he needed insurance for.
lot's of promises were made, I went back and forth whether he should come back to my house when he got out. I was scared. I was terrified of being hurt by all of this again. He assured me he wouldn't drink, he didn't want to drink, I was what he wanted, my kids were what he wanted. I wrote him on multiple occasions that if he drank once he got out, I was done.. I didn't want to know him, I didn't want to know how he was, where he was.. I needed to be done at that point, because he had had all of the chances that he needed. He cleared up his legal stuff, he was forced sober for 4 1/2 months.
He got out Wed. I picked him up. Wed was great, a little awkward at first, but then it quickly went right back to perfection. He had flowers waiting for me, hand holding, snuggles, saying all the right sweet things. The next morning was good too, went to target to get him a coffee maker, he'd look for a job, he'd look up this treatment thing that is offered at my church.. etc. etc.
When he was staying with me before, I HATED going to work, because that is when he would drink. As soon as I was out the door, he was usually out the door right after me to head to the liq store. Yesterday I wasn't nervous about that, (well maybe a little) but I did feel good about it.. he was sober for 4 1/2 months, that had to have helped a little!
It didn't. I don't know how long it took, but after I went to work he went to the liq store. I asked him once while I was at work if he went, he said no. I didn't say anymore about it. I got home, told him he had 7 minutes to get as much of his crap into my car and then I was going to bring him somewhere.. I didn't know where.. hospital? homeless shelter? He doesn't have any family here, and his friends are all in the program, he doesn't like to admit to them that he still struggles, but of course they know. He acted like he didn't know what this was all about.. blah blah.
I talked to his parents and they had called and set up treatment for him (yes, he's 38 and his parents would do anything for him, they are great), I'd have to bring him to detox and then he would get sent to treatment the next day when he was sober. He didn't want to go. It was a long drawn out night, of trying to figure our where to take him.. I didn't know what was right (though, I probably did.. I just didn't want to accept it. I talked to his friend, who now works at a treatment center, and asked him what to do. He told me that he has tried to help him for years and he has made no progress, if he doesn't want to go to detox and start the treatment path, let him do what he wants. So I dropped him off at a hotel. He wouldn't get our of my car, told me that he would stop, that he was tired of this.. the same things he has told me so many times. I had to trick him to get out of my car... and I left. Not knowing completely whether I did the right thing. I hate the thought of him there.. I'd much rather him be here.. I thought I'd be stronger and if he drank, I'd easily be able to be done with him, but it isn't easy. I've talked to his parents, let them know where he is.
I talked with him briefly shortly after... he almost had me convinced to go back. But I know at this point he has to do whatever it is on his own. Either he continues to drink himself into oblivion, or he realizes that he has burned so many bridges that he is on his own now.. he has to make the big boy decisions that could or couldn't turn his life around. He can choose to drink, or he can choose to not, but at this point... I really really really really want to be there for him, but can't.
When I got home... I looked around my house and I missed him already. Of the flowers he had gotten me on Wed. He had taken and put one in my daughters room, and one in my sons room, one in my room. He is the only person that I have let meet my kids since my divorce 3yrs ago. He is fabulous with them when he is sober, he know that is what tugs most at my heart string. I broke down at that point.. he completely holds the potential to be everything that I have ever wanted in a man... but he's not.
I told him yesterday.. which of course doesn't sink in.. "you have a BA, a Masters Degree, He are a teacher..... You are a convicted felon (for the multiple DWIs), You can't drive and you cant work in your field, because you cannot control your drinking.. that is a HUGE problem."
Just needed to vent. My heart hurts again.. when he was in jail.. I told him, if you drink you're gone, and I realize it could be 3 hours or 3 days or 3 months.. I guess I had hoped that it would of been at least longer than a day.
I have posted before, about a guy that I had started dating and fell pretty hard for. My mind knew that it was a bad deal, and that I should have walked away a long time ago, but I didn't. I wanted to see the good in this person, in fact, I did see the good in this person, which didn't necessarily blind me to the bad, but certainly clouded my judgment.
He is a great guy, a smart guy. We are both professional, we are both educated, we both come from great families. He has people who care about him, he has people who will support him, he has the intellect that should be able to help him see just how big of a mess this has all become.
When I met him, he told me he was in recovery. We had a great time together. He is completely someone who I could see myself with for a long time, funny, smart, outgoing, personable.. honestly, just about anything that I had ever looked for in a guy (isn't that how this story always goes).
He then started drinking again. He fell pretty hard and pretty fast, he's the bender type of alcoholic. Locked up in a hotel room, pint after pint after how much ever the bigger ones are, ends up in detox. I tried to help him, I'd "save" him from the hotels. I'd pick him up from detox. I'd give him a safe place to stay, thinking that he was just "waiting" for the help he needed.
He ended up missing a court date for one of his several DWI's. He ended up in Jail. First he told me it would only be a couple days. Then he said only a month. It was a constant.. "this is when I'm getting out" "oh wait, no I'm not". I took care of him while he was in there, made sure his insurance was paid as so he would keep his insurance, he received treatment in the jail, which he needed insurance for.
lot's of promises were made, I went back and forth whether he should come back to my house when he got out. I was scared. I was terrified of being hurt by all of this again. He assured me he wouldn't drink, he didn't want to drink, I was what he wanted, my kids were what he wanted. I wrote him on multiple occasions that if he drank once he got out, I was done.. I didn't want to know him, I didn't want to know how he was, where he was.. I needed to be done at that point, because he had had all of the chances that he needed. He cleared up his legal stuff, he was forced sober for 4 1/2 months.
He got out Wed. I picked him up. Wed was great, a little awkward at first, but then it quickly went right back to perfection. He had flowers waiting for me, hand holding, snuggles, saying all the right sweet things. The next morning was good too, went to target to get him a coffee maker, he'd look for a job, he'd look up this treatment thing that is offered at my church.. etc. etc.
When he was staying with me before, I HATED going to work, because that is when he would drink. As soon as I was out the door, he was usually out the door right after me to head to the liq store. Yesterday I wasn't nervous about that, (well maybe a little) but I did feel good about it.. he was sober for 4 1/2 months, that had to have helped a little!
It didn't. I don't know how long it took, but after I went to work he went to the liq store. I asked him once while I was at work if he went, he said no. I didn't say anymore about it. I got home, told him he had 7 minutes to get as much of his crap into my car and then I was going to bring him somewhere.. I didn't know where.. hospital? homeless shelter? He doesn't have any family here, and his friends are all in the program, he doesn't like to admit to them that he still struggles, but of course they know. He acted like he didn't know what this was all about.. blah blah.
I talked to his parents and they had called and set up treatment for him (yes, he's 38 and his parents would do anything for him, they are great), I'd have to bring him to detox and then he would get sent to treatment the next day when he was sober. He didn't want to go. It was a long drawn out night, of trying to figure our where to take him.. I didn't know what was right (though, I probably did.. I just didn't want to accept it. I talked to his friend, who now works at a treatment center, and asked him what to do. He told me that he has tried to help him for years and he has made no progress, if he doesn't want to go to detox and start the treatment path, let him do what he wants. So I dropped him off at a hotel. He wouldn't get our of my car, told me that he would stop, that he was tired of this.. the same things he has told me so many times. I had to trick him to get out of my car... and I left. Not knowing completely whether I did the right thing. I hate the thought of him there.. I'd much rather him be here.. I thought I'd be stronger and if he drank, I'd easily be able to be done with him, but it isn't easy. I've talked to his parents, let them know where he is.
I talked with him briefly shortly after... he almost had me convinced to go back. But I know at this point he has to do whatever it is on his own. Either he continues to drink himself into oblivion, or he realizes that he has burned so many bridges that he is on his own now.. he has to make the big boy decisions that could or couldn't turn his life around. He can choose to drink, or he can choose to not, but at this point... I really really really really want to be there for him, but can't.
When I got home... I looked around my house and I missed him already. Of the flowers he had gotten me on Wed. He had taken and put one in my daughters room, and one in my sons room, one in my room. He is the only person that I have let meet my kids since my divorce 3yrs ago. He is fabulous with them when he is sober, he know that is what tugs most at my heart string. I broke down at that point.. he completely holds the potential to be everything that I have ever wanted in a man... but he's not.
I told him yesterday.. which of course doesn't sink in.. "you have a BA, a Masters Degree, He are a teacher..... You are a convicted felon (for the multiple DWIs), You can't drive and you cant work in your field, because you cannot control your drinking.. that is a HUGE problem."
Just needed to vent. My heart hurts again.. when he was in jail.. I told him, if you drink you're gone, and I realize it could be 3 hours or 3 days or 3 months.. I guess I had hoped that it would of been at least longer than a day.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
First, I'm sorry you are hurting. I get it--I've been in the same place.
I think it's good that it WAS only a day. Think how much harder this would have been after three months, maybe feeling hopeful and better, only to have the same thing happen. I know you were a little hopeful, but this shows you, very clearly, how hopeless this is unless and until he does what he needs to do.
Now that he is out of your house, my STRONG suggestion is that you not even entertain the thought of allowing him back into your home unless he has been SOLIDLY sober for at least a year. No kidding. This is serious stuff, and as you pointed out, it isn't just you--you have kids to protect. Having him come in and out of the house has got to be very hard on them, and you certainly don't want them exposed to the chaos of active drinking.
His parents may be "great" in that they love their son, but their willingness to do "anything" for him, along with well-meaning people like yourself who have helped him every step of the way, is not doing him any favors. At this point, he needs to sink or swim on his own. He isn't ENTIRELY on his own--he has people who can REALLY help him--other recovered alcoholics. THEY can see that it is useless to do anything until he makes a real decision. Then there is something for them to work with. Without willingness on his part, they know better than to waste their time and energy--they could be helping someone who WANTS to get well.
I know it's hard, but stick with your decision. It's all up to him. It always has been.
I think it's good that it WAS only a day. Think how much harder this would have been after three months, maybe feeling hopeful and better, only to have the same thing happen. I know you were a little hopeful, but this shows you, very clearly, how hopeless this is unless and until he does what he needs to do.
Now that he is out of your house, my STRONG suggestion is that you not even entertain the thought of allowing him back into your home unless he has been SOLIDLY sober for at least a year. No kidding. This is serious stuff, and as you pointed out, it isn't just you--you have kids to protect. Having him come in and out of the house has got to be very hard on them, and you certainly don't want them exposed to the chaos of active drinking.
His parents may be "great" in that they love their son, but their willingness to do "anything" for him, along with well-meaning people like yourself who have helped him every step of the way, is not doing him any favors. At this point, he needs to sink or swim on his own. He isn't ENTIRELY on his own--he has people who can REALLY help him--other recovered alcoholics. THEY can see that it is useless to do anything until he makes a real decision. Then there is something for them to work with. Without willingness on his part, they know better than to waste their time and energy--they could be helping someone who WANTS to get well.
I know it's hard, but stick with your decision. It's all up to him. It always has been.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh gosh. I am so sorry.
I know you know you did the right thing - why doesn't it feel good though? Its very very hard.
Are you going to Al Anon? If not its time to. You know you haven't heard the last of him. Its going to be more begging and pleading - you set your boundary you MUST stick to it. Its the one and only thing you can do to possible help him.
Your story awakens my hatred of this disease....a highly educated person who has flushed it down the toilet for alcohol. And seemingly, really doesn't get it.
(((hugs))) stay strong.
I know you know you did the right thing - why doesn't it feel good though? Its very very hard.
Are you going to Al Anon? If not its time to. You know you haven't heard the last of him. Its going to be more begging and pleading - you set your boundary you MUST stick to it. Its the one and only thing you can do to possible help him.
Your story awakens my hatred of this disease....a highly educated person who has flushed it down the toilet for alcohol. And seemingly, really doesn't get it.
(((hugs))) stay strong.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear MNKel, yours is a common story. Those of us who know this story also understand the heartbreak that you are feeling. He, obviously has a ways to go before he is desperate enough to cry out, in humility, for recovery. You have no control of when that will ever be...
I think you have done the only thing you could do under the circumstances. RESIST the inclination to feel guilty or second-guess yourself. You don't have that luxury---You have to take care of yourself and your KIDS.
Begin your own recovery program. You will grieve for a while about your lost "fantasy" of the perfect life with him---but, you WILL get past it. The pain of living with an active alcoholic (deep in denial) goes on forever. If you feel that you love him---you may have to love him from a distance.
Alanon could be a "lifesaver" for y ou right now.
Keep coming here and post as often as you need to.
sincerely, dandylion
I think you have done the only thing you could do under the circumstances. RESIST the inclination to feel guilty or second-guess yourself. You don't have that luxury---You have to take care of yourself and your KIDS.
Begin your own recovery program. You will grieve for a while about your lost "fantasy" of the perfect life with him---but, you WILL get past it. The pain of living with an active alcoholic (deep in denial) goes on forever. If you feel that you love him---you may have to love him from a distance.
Alanon could be a "lifesaver" for y ou right now.
Keep coming here and post as often as you need to.
sincerely, dandylion
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Your resolve, the strength it took to carry through with kicking him out when he drank, will do more for him in the long run than falling for his promises. Yes it hurts, but you did good.
His recovery is up to him.
His recovery is up to him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Dear MNKel,
You really hit the nail on the head. You have KIDS to protect. I also divorced about three years ago and I am ultra-careful with my children.
We have to be careful about who we allow THEM to pin their hopes on. Who WE expose them to. Who WE introduce to their lives and hearts and allow them to love.
My children's father (XAH) has parents who will do anything for him and eventually that turned into a hatred of me when I would no longer do anything and everything for him.
While your AB's parents help him pick up the pieces, you are going to be busy helping YOUR children (who are presumably still minor children) pick up the pieces and stop relying on potential.
Cheers to you for being such a great mama. You can't help this man. His trained professional friends can't even help him. Take care of what you can - your home life and your children. Throw those flowers away. He is a very sick man and needs help.
But it is not the kind of help you can give and your children shouldn't be dragged into this.
Talk to us. We will keep your resolve strong.
You really hit the nail on the head. You have KIDS to protect. I also divorced about three years ago and I am ultra-careful with my children.
We have to be careful about who we allow THEM to pin their hopes on. Who WE expose them to. Who WE introduce to their lives and hearts and allow them to love.
My children's father (XAH) has parents who will do anything for him and eventually that turned into a hatred of me when I would no longer do anything and everything for him.
While your AB's parents help him pick up the pieces, you are going to be busy helping YOUR children (who are presumably still minor children) pick up the pieces and stop relying on potential.
Cheers to you for being such a great mama. You can't help this man. His trained professional friends can't even help him. Take care of what you can - your home life and your children. Throw those flowers away. He is a very sick man and needs help.
But it is not the kind of help you can give and your children shouldn't be dragged into this.
Talk to us. We will keep your resolve strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
...he was forced sober for 4 1/2 months....
Your post made me realize that many of us may have at one time been one action away from making sane, rational decisions that let the A be responsible for themselves. Failing to do that we became people who were crazy and insane, who second guessed ourselves and who became unable to properly care for ourselves and our children.
Keep your courage and move on and take care of yourself and your children. If you find yourself faltering, you may want to visit an alanon meeting or two.
(((HUGS))) for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
Hunny i know what your going through...its so hard. Some days im stronger some days im so weak and i just want to close my eyes and wake up to "NORMALNESS" You are doing the right thing...espcially for your children. MY ex alcholic fiance does not want to stop either and he knows he has a problem but he doesnt want to expect it. There is nothing i can do. People have told me also that it doesnt mean he doesnt love me , he just doesnt love himself enough to stop. Which is also hard to accept. Stay strong, if you need support im always willing to chat. I understand, your NOT alone. HUGS
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
My husband is a great person too ... when he's not using. When he is using it's awful, he's awful, and I feel awful. I cannot live like that. I cannot be happy with him if he continues to use.
MNKel, I totally understand why you remember the good things about your boyfriend, and you should remember those things. But you have to also acknowledge the reality. If he cannot or will not stop drinking, then you will never be happy with him.
I'm finding it helpful to picture my life without my husband. I'm not thinking about how much I'll miss him, I'm thinking about how much less stress there will be! Instead of wasting so much time and energy tracking him, monitoring our accounts, watching for signs that he's using, etc, I'll be spending my time taking care of myself, doing hobbies or going out and having fun or just relaxing peacefully at home. You might benefit from this type of visualization.
MNKel, I totally understand why you remember the good things about your boyfriend, and you should remember those things. But you have to also acknowledge the reality. If he cannot or will not stop drinking, then you will never be happy with him.
I'm finding it helpful to picture my life without my husband. I'm not thinking about how much I'll miss him, I'm thinking about how much less stress there will be! Instead of wasting so much time and energy tracking him, monitoring our accounts, watching for signs that he's using, etc, I'll be spending my time taking care of myself, doing hobbies or going out and having fun or just relaxing peacefully at home. You might benefit from this type of visualization.
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