Telling your A?
Telling your A?
I'm curious, when you all reached the point in your life where you finally figured out that you needed help, did you share that you were getting help with your A? Or did you keep it to yourself? I am just wondering how the backlash will be when I start to take control of my life back. Thanks for sharing!
Paula
Paula
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cicero ny
Posts: 65
Re: Telling your A?
Paula, I haven't told my AH that I'm going to al-anon or using this forum. I know he wouldn't understand. First of all he doesn't have a problem! He doesn't believe in AA. I'm going to al-anon for me, to learn how to take care of me and to learn that I can't control his drinking. It's up to you if you want to tell him or not, I chose not.
Re: Telling your A?
I did tell me AH, I want him to know that this is effecting me and I need to learn how to deal with my life. HE thought I was going to learn how to deal with and understand his problem..... I said no I am learning how to be strong,stop enabeling, and how to make a life without you if you chose to drink. I learn how to make planes for my family and myself. ANY time there is an issue in a marriage with one partner it is a problem.
I thought maybe if he sees that I am making steps to change myself that he may catch on *LOL
I thought maybe if he sees that I am making steps to change myself that he may catch on *LOL
Re: Telling your A?
Boy howdy. When I found this place I was looking for a way to fix Dino. Of COURSE I told him about it. I would have told him EVERYTHING I was learning if he had held still for it. I tried to get him to post on the site and go to NA. He did join(the site, not NA), but mostly read the anon posts and had hissy fits. Then I felt all squelched and wouldn't even sign on if he was around. Then I got defiant and signed on EVERY time he was around to get his goat. Then I backed off, but would make excuses when I signed on... "I want to see if Ann found her cat." Then I realized I was making it all about him and it was spoiling my fun. So now I do what I like and say what I need to. This is not a story of how to save a relationship because that doesn't seem to be working out here. It is however, a story of a way I feel good about myself.
Re: Telling your A?
I haven't talked to my A about what I am doing. In the beginning, I was afraid that he would talk me out of it - he's really good at that. Now, I don't feel like I need his permission to do what I feel is right. For my situation, it would be a useless conversation and wouldn't accomplish anything.
L
L
Re: Telling your A?
Well, I have myself fairly convinced that he needs to know I am going to be getting help. I don't think it's right for me to not tell him. I guess I am trying to find a way to tell him that will make him understand this isn't about him, that I need help, without it getting all twisted into something it isn't.
Re: Telling your A?
I told my A, and he was very concerned he would feel controlled and see a militant movement in the marriage and I would become hard to live with. I may be the exception, but the peace I'm learning has definitely changed our home environment, not his drinking, and I think it's for the better for all of us. I'm sure he doesn't feel or sense that I'm any less disappointed and saddened by his choices, but I'm not controlled by them and not living my life around them. That just makes me happier to be around. I hope someday he decides that those are choices he might hope to live, too. But til then..... keep on keeping on.
Re: Telling your A?
I told my ex when I started therapy and about Al-anon. Then he tried to make it about him of course by asking me if the therapist told me to break up with him. I told him we never talked about him,we talked about me. He didn't know what to say about that. Then finally I made the decision to leave and did.
I'm sure to this day he figures it had to do with the therapist "putting ideas in my head" :heart :redfinger .
Ngaire
I'm sure to this day he figures it had to do with the therapist "putting ideas in my head" :heart :redfinger .
Ngaire
Re: Telling your A?
Hi Paula,
I told G that I was going to start going to Al-Anon meetings and boy, did I get some s**t from him when I did! But you know what, I felt GREAT that I'd told him. It was an extremely empowering experience for me because I felt like I was telling him that I was getting the help that I wanted and needed and there was nothing he could do about it...just like I could do nothing about his drinking.
That said, please realise that I'm not in a position where I feel personally threatened in any way physically so I knew that there would be no nasty repercussions. He also knows I come here and doesn't say anything about it. I don't come here unless he's away in drunkensleepyland out of consideration for him and my own privacy.
Hope this helps a bit
HugZ
Sandra
I told G that I was going to start going to Al-Anon meetings and boy, did I get some s**t from him when I did! But you know what, I felt GREAT that I'd told him. It was an extremely empowering experience for me because I felt like I was telling him that I was getting the help that I wanted and needed and there was nothing he could do about it...just like I could do nothing about his drinking.
That said, please realise that I'm not in a position where I feel personally threatened in any way physically so I knew that there would be no nasty repercussions. He also knows I come here and doesn't say anything about it. I don't come here unless he's away in drunkensleepyland out of consideration for him and my own privacy.
Hope this helps a bit
HugZ
Sandra
Re: Telling your A?
I told my ex after I had asked him repeatedly for months to go to therapy with me. He refused so I went for myself which was a very empowering experience.
I came to the conclusion that if anything I was going to do what was good for me.
Like Sandra said I didn't have to worry about physical repercussions either......just accelerated mental abuse. :star .
Perhaps if I had had to worry about him being physical I may have not told.
It's a personal choice.
Ngaire
I came to the conclusion that if anything I was going to do what was good for me.
Like Sandra said I didn't have to worry about physical repercussions either......just accelerated mental abuse. :star .
Perhaps if I had had to worry about him being physical I may have not told.
It's a personal choice.
Ngaire
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: tucson, Az
Posts: 10
Re: Telling your A?
I also told my H, he he, He actually got involved too. He has gone to meetings with me, I feel fotunate He is so willing in some areas. However, there are many areas!!! I have to remember this a program for me, and I must not try to manipulate his life , which I know I have done, or tried. I know He reads my posts and sometimes, like noe it's hard to be honest without trying to say things I think might affect him. I am here for me. I need help. If He chooses to utilize the program to enhance his well being great, if not, I can live with that too. I pray
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Re: Telling your A?
My A has nooooo idea that I come here and post all of the dirty laundry! I would be in for it, this is for sure! He knows that I have gone to meetings in the past and that I read books, etc., but it would not fly if he knew that so many people know what he is up to. Even though it is anonymous.
It's kind of like something I have for my own, that he can not and will not spoil. MY dirty little secret! I must admit it is kind of satisfying to have all of this support that he does not know about. But that's just me. To each their own.
Maybe someday if he decides to be sober, I will tell him and we can laugh and laugh at what we used to do to cope. But I'm not counting on it!!!
It's kind of like something I have for my own, that he can not and will not spoil. MY dirty little secret! I must admit it is kind of satisfying to have all of this support that he does not know about. But that's just me. To each their own.
Maybe someday if he decides to be sober, I will tell him and we can laugh and laugh at what we used to do to cope. But I'm not counting on it!!!
Re: Telling your A?
I told my A. He was very supportive. He does see the amount of stress he causes in my life or I should say the stress I allow him to cause. He can see a big difference in me. I can too. He is taking his addiction and recovery more serious latley since I am detaching. We had a long talk about it. I told him that I MUST do this for myself, he is a big boy and he must start to be more independent, it will help with his recovery too. I am all done with the drama, I really am and it feels so good. Thats not to say it is easy, it really takes work ........ but..................I am sleeping better at night !!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Re: Telling your A?
I told my A only after I had been in counseling for a few months. He told me he would go too. He only went once and when he came home he told me that the counselor was the crazy one and that he was never going back and he would not go to AA because he did not have a problem like "other people" do. He proceeded for weeks after that to berate my counselor and kept telling me that our marrige was fine and that he only drank because I didn't spend enough time with him (that was his excuse then, but since I detached a few years ago, he blames his drinking on his "stress" from his job or his mother, but I know the truth is that he has a problem with alcohol).
When I started detaching from him, he tried all kinds of "tricks" to try to drag me back onto that same sick merry-go-round. He would rage, be verbally abusive, yell, cuss, tell me I was crazy, etc. I stuck to my guns, set boundries and took control of my life. I am so much better now-I believe the counseling saved my sanity. He gave up trying to contol me about a year ago (I thank God that I stayed the course). He still drinks, still spends to much money, still insists he doesn't have a problem like "other people". Now I feel like I am watching him go through the same cycle over and over and over, only now I'm not joining him. Only now do I realize that I needed help as much as he did (and he still does).
When I started detaching from him, he tried all kinds of "tricks" to try to drag me back onto that same sick merry-go-round. He would rage, be verbally abusive, yell, cuss, tell me I was crazy, etc. I stuck to my guns, set boundries and took control of my life. I am so much better now-I believe the counseling saved my sanity. He gave up trying to contol me about a year ago (I thank God that I stayed the course). He still drinks, still spends to much money, still insists he doesn't have a problem like "other people". Now I feel like I am watching him go through the same cycle over and over and over, only now I'm not joining him. Only now do I realize that I needed help as much as he did (and he still does).
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