luv2teachkids

So after his drunken night, he called me at work this morning. He was concerned that I had not called or emailed him as I usually do. He thought maybe I was upset with him.

I told him I wasn't. He joked about his drinking last night, and I just said "you are a big boy, you can make your own decisions, whether good or bad."

He asked what I wanted for dinner tonight, and I told him i wouldnt be home till late cus I wanted to go to a dr to find a good therapist to help me through some issues. He was surprised and joked that he was probably the source of my problems. I didn't reply to that. I just told him I had to go.

A few minutes later, I got this reply:

Ok.
So I am going to email you.
Even though I appear to joke about my personal behavior it is because it is my way of coping with my feelings about it.
I know drinking to excess is not good for me and I really want to control it as opposed to it controlling me. Sometimes I rise to the occasion and sometimes I stumble and fall back a bit.

I do feel bad a lot in that I feel like I put you and your kids in a bad situation. I want to do the right thing. However, it doesn’t just change over night. It is a process. An evolving process.

So without getting gushy (because i’m not into gushy), I can say that I love you and am trying.

If you need to go to someone to help you get through your thoughts I think that is a good idea.

Thoughts? My initial reaction...my eyes welled up with tears. I haven't responded though.

SparkleKitty

I understand why it touched you. I don't think you need to respond. You can hold on to how it touched you while still remembering that these are just words, and without actions to back them up, that's all they can be.

More will be revealed. Hang in there.

laurie6781

He may mean every word of it at the moment, but they are only words.

I also saw this as a 'ploy' (can we say manipulation) because he senses you 'pulling away' and he has to have his enabler.

Good for you! Not answering is really a great move. Also seeking out a therapist for you can only be an asset. You go girl!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

lizatola

Agreeing with Laurie here. I got countless apology emails expressing his love and how he's willing to work on us and on himself and to try to control the drinking. Unfortunately, the addiction and the mental stuff that goes with it still does control them and so I have learned to watch his actions. I used to fall for all his words and I'd end up back on the merry go round and back to square one. I still, to this day, haven't seen real change but his words say he's willing.

The best you can do is take care of you and your kids! Keep working on that and you will find your path, no matter where it takes you and you will find peace.

wicked

I agree with SparkleKitty and Laurie.
No need to respond, more will be revealed.
Wait for actions.

Good job!

Beth

MsPINKAcres

I agree - no response from you is probably the healthiest thing you could do.

keep up your healthy recovery actions and taking good care of you - remember nothing changes if nothing changes - You are doing your part to change your situation - allowing him the opportunity to change if he is willing

pink hugs

LexieCat

Quitting drinking IS a process. It involves not putting alcohol into your body (#1) and going to AA or another recovery program and doing some hard work (#2). I was in the "process" of "doing something" about my drinking for four and a half years. THAT "process" was called "continuing to drink," NOT "quitting drinking."

He is also talking about "controlling" his drinking. Not possible. I could control it for discrete periods of time, but always went off the rails after a short period of time.

For me, the motivation in "controlling" my drinking was to make sure I COULD continue to drink--that was my major goal. ANYTHING to avoid having to quit. Boy, do I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on such an unworthy goal. But it takes what it takes, for all of us alcoholics. I'm grateful I was given the gift of desperation before things got much worse.

Recovering2

My counselor told me when I first started working on detachment that it would take my BF a couple of weeks to realize what I was doing. Then he would get scared and try to reel me back in. Dead on the money. I see the same thing with the email you got. I'm sure the phone conversation made him realize you're taking your life back and leaving him to his own decisions. That email is just words, in my opinion meant to keep you hanging on. He can't "control" drinking. Wanting to do the right thing, and actually doing the right thing, are different.

I heard this little story in AlAnon last night: 3 frogs sitting on a lily pad. 2 decide to jump off. How many frogs are now sitting on the lily pad? Answer: 3!!!! The 2 made a "decision" to jump off. They didn't actually follow through with action.

luv2teachkids

Thank you....an email like that offers so much hope, yet as always, the minute I give hope, I'll get crushed.

I want so much to give him the benefit of the doubt and think he is serious...BUT I know only time will tell. Time and actions.

soberlicious

This is so on the money.

"Do or Do Not. There is no try." ~ Yoda
He can stop putting alcohol in his body if that's what he wants to do. It is not easy, but it is completely possible. I did it, and so have countless others. It sounds to me as if he is engaging in careful damage control with that email, working to protect both his relationship with you, and his relationship with his beloved alcohol. He will continue both relationships for as long as he is allowed to. Or at least I did.

bless5

Wise words... And worth repeating over and over!

Manmust

"It doesn't happen overnight"
Ha, classic alcoholic talk....code for: I'm not going to stop drinking.

DreamsofSerenity

I got SO many emails like that, and it was really hard to resist hoping he'd follow through on the promises he made. He never did. Then I got sick of hoping and stopped, which totally infuriated exabf. When I told him I would not believe he was going go to stop drinking unil he actually did stop drinking, he'd accuse me of "having no faith in anyone", or his favorite, being "the most negative person on the planet."

I ended up reading a book called "Drinking: A Love Story" (Caroline Knapp) in which she talks a lot about the repeated promises she made to her loved ones to quit drinking. She said at the time she made them, she sincerely meant them, and was not trying to manipulate anybody, but that the disease was still in charge so she broke them every time.

Here I am being the most negative person on the planet again, but I have to agree with everyone else on this one: his letter doesn't really mean anything without actions to go with it. I'd try not even to think about it. The hope undermines the detachment. Stay detached and stay on your path.

Hugs.

peridotbleu

And the story of denial continues...the A's honestly feel like they are in control over their drinking. It is so heart breaking for us who love them and want so desperately to believe them. Hang in there!

dandylion

Dear alexand3r, don't get too "teary eyed", because there is no CONTROLLED drinking for an alcoholic. The inability to control it is the heart of the disease.

He will not believe that, right now. It is important enough that you understand this. You don't need to go through this again.

sincerely, dandylion

stella27

Right, there came a point where I realized that all my words to him became something for him to respond to with an argument and that I couldn't get him to understand anything.

Maybe someday he will understand this, and maybe he never will. It became enough that *I* knew and took steps to protect my heart and my children and my home from thinking that I had some influence. I didn't.

AnvilheadII

Ok.
So I am going to email you.
Even though I appear to joke about my personal behavior it is because it is my way of coping with my feelings about it.
I know drinking to excess is not good for me and I really want to control it as opposed to it controlling me. Sometimes I rise to the occasion and sometimes I stumble and fall back a bit.

I do feel bad a lot in that I feel like I put you and your kids in a bad situation. I want to do the right thing. However, it doesn’t just change over night. It is a process. An evolving process.

So without getting gushy (because i’m not into gushy), I can say that I love you and am trying.

If you need to go to someone to help you get through your thoughts I think that is a good idea.

hmmm, NOWHERE in there does he take FULL responsibility for HIS actions, nowhere in there does he lay out a PLAN or COURSE to CHANGE - he simply gives himself an out. never says he is going to QUIT and stay QUIT - says he "wants" to do the right thing but isn't actually going to DO the right thing.

after ANOTHER night of drunken @ssholeness, he sends you an email??? how frigging lame is that? what's sad, well to me anyway, is that you fell for it. somehow in that meaningless drivel you see HOPE. when it's really just self serving bs by somebody with a bad hangover.