Back .... Again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: West Sussex
Posts: 37
Back .... Again!
It's been 9 months since I visted the Sober Community forum. Today I am back because my A relapsed yesterday.
Today I am feeling all the usual emotions that come with relapse. I feel absolutely gutted but having been here once before I feel strangly calm too. I know thats because I accept I am powerless so why stress trying to change this. It doesn't stop me feeling heartbroken though.
Today I am absolutely exhausted. I had to stay awake all night long because he coughed and vomited in his sleep. I was too scared to go back sleep after that. Generally when drunk I leave him too it and in fact had done just that last night until I heard him choking and rushed in there to turn him onto his side.
The last 9 months have been brilliant for us so this relapse is shattering. My A always wanted to buy a house in the country so following his rehabilation treatment, we did just that and have been decoarting the house making it perfect. I don't think I have ever seen him so happy. It's the first time I saw a glimpse of the person he was before this disease stole him.
Unfortunately he stopped going to meetings 4 weeks ago. The first week he missed was genuine because he had caught a bug from his brother but the following three he did not attend he just made excuses. Tiered, worked late etc...
I tried to tell him it was a warning sign, but true to form he chose not to listen, said he was fine and now here we are .... again!
He has been to rehab twice. The first time he achieved 7 months sober without aftercare and this time 9 months by attending weekly AA meetings bar the last month.
I feel guilty for saying this but right now I dont have the energy to even want to help him this time.
I just feel like, what's the point? Sooner or later we end up right back where we started.
I haven't spoken to my A today nor this morning because I simply dont want too. Nothing I say makes any difference so again I just feel like what is the point of upsetting myself, feeling the frustration of talking to a brick wall in the throws of denial.
Right now I envy all the A's that can achieve long term sobriety when my A clearly can't.
I hope everyone is having a better day than me thats for sure!
3 months ago, buying our home felt like the best decision we ever made, now it feels like the worst.
Today I am feeling all the usual emotions that come with relapse. I feel absolutely gutted but having been here once before I feel strangly calm too. I know thats because I accept I am powerless so why stress trying to change this. It doesn't stop me feeling heartbroken though.
Today I am absolutely exhausted. I had to stay awake all night long because he coughed and vomited in his sleep. I was too scared to go back sleep after that. Generally when drunk I leave him too it and in fact had done just that last night until I heard him choking and rushed in there to turn him onto his side.
The last 9 months have been brilliant for us so this relapse is shattering. My A always wanted to buy a house in the country so following his rehabilation treatment, we did just that and have been decoarting the house making it perfect. I don't think I have ever seen him so happy. It's the first time I saw a glimpse of the person he was before this disease stole him.
Unfortunately he stopped going to meetings 4 weeks ago. The first week he missed was genuine because he had caught a bug from his brother but the following three he did not attend he just made excuses. Tiered, worked late etc...
I tried to tell him it was a warning sign, but true to form he chose not to listen, said he was fine and now here we are .... again!
He has been to rehab twice. The first time he achieved 7 months sober without aftercare and this time 9 months by attending weekly AA meetings bar the last month.
I feel guilty for saying this but right now I dont have the energy to even want to help him this time.
I just feel like, what's the point? Sooner or later we end up right back where we started.
I haven't spoken to my A today nor this morning because I simply dont want too. Nothing I say makes any difference so again I just feel like what is the point of upsetting myself, feeling the frustration of talking to a brick wall in the throws of denial.
Right now I envy all the A's that can achieve long term sobriety when my A clearly can't.
I hope everyone is having a better day than me thats for sure!
3 months ago, buying our home felt like the best decision we ever made, now it feels like the worst.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine your disappointment. I hope this will be a one-time thing that puts his inability to drink like a non-alcoholic into perspective. If it does not, however, I hope that you will start taking steps to protect yourself legally and financially from the devastation his drinking can bring. And that you can build a support system, here and perhaps in Al-Anon, for your emotional and mental well-being, too.
(((hugs)))
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am so, so sorry. I think this is far worse a feeling then realizing they are alcoholics this disappointment factor is so high.
While your S.O was active in recovery were you by chance going to Al Anon? If you haven't been then I would strongly suggest now is the time for you to. It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of this disease. I so relate about not wanting to get on the merry go round again. If mine relapses again I don't think I will stick around.
I know the world has crashed in so for now - give yourself a break. Don't worry about the house. You can figure that out later. Now is time to focus on you and what you want and what you need and what you want for your life. As for him - well you said it. Why bother talking about it - it doesn't make any difference.
If he doesn't have that lightening bolt moment (wouldn't count on that) to go back to recovery I may suggest that next time he drinks like that you call the paramedics and send him to the hospital. Lucky you heard him but god forbid....it shouldn't be your responsibility to "night watch" him to make sure he lives. Thats simply too much stress.
(((Hugs)))) - so sorry - thinking about you.
While your S.O was active in recovery were you by chance going to Al Anon? If you haven't been then I would strongly suggest now is the time for you to. It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of this disease. I so relate about not wanting to get on the merry go round again. If mine relapses again I don't think I will stick around.
I know the world has crashed in so for now - give yourself a break. Don't worry about the house. You can figure that out later. Now is time to focus on you and what you want and what you need and what you want for your life. As for him - well you said it. Why bother talking about it - it doesn't make any difference.
If he doesn't have that lightening bolt moment (wouldn't count on that) to go back to recovery I may suggest that next time he drinks like that you call the paramedics and send him to the hospital. Lucky you heard him but god forbid....it shouldn't be your responsibility to "night watch" him to make sure he lives. Thats simply too much stress.
(((Hugs)))) - so sorry - thinking about you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Naples
Posts: 26
M y heart is with you. My AH is in rehab for the 3rd time in our 4 year marriage. I am finished with him. I hope this time it works for him, but I will not be along for the ride. I have been in AlAnon for 3 years and it has been a life saver and I will probably attend meetings for the rest of my life. My sponsor has been a lifesaver. Talking with other AlAnon friends has kept me in touch with reality - especially during my denial when I believed that alcoholism can be "cured" if one goes to AA meetings, gets a sponsor, reads the Big Book, etc. It is a deadly disease and my AH will probably not get into recovery. Most alcoholics don't. It is HIS disease. I'm ready to live my own life again. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Gollum, I'm so sorry. I can understand what you're going through. My husband recently came home from rehab - he was full of hope, and so was I. He relapsed & went on a 6-7 day binge. My hopes were dashed, and I felt pretty well gutted. For the time being, he's back on the wagon. He's at 7 days sober post relapse & has been going back to his IOP, and I'm trying to focus on myself and my own recovery, but I must admit that there is a part of me just waiting for him to relapse again.
All we can do is try to take care of ourselves as best we can. When it comes to the A's in our lives, we have to wait & see what their actions show and make the best decisions we can for ourselves. Do be sure to take care of yourself. And if you haven't done so already, there's no harm in setting aside a "just in case" fund in the event that you need/want to bug out...I finally did that myself just a few days ago. I hope I never have to use it, but I feel better knowing that it's there in case I need it.
Sending you strength, hope, & hugs.
All we can do is try to take care of ourselves as best we can. When it comes to the A's in our lives, we have to wait & see what their actions show and make the best decisions we can for ourselves. Do be sure to take care of yourself. And if you haven't done so already, there's no harm in setting aside a "just in case" fund in the event that you need/want to bug out...I finally did that myself just a few days ago. I hope I never have to use it, but I feel better knowing that it's there in case I need it.
Sending you strength, hope, & hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: West Sussex
Posts: 37
Thanks Cecilia. After rehab we are filled with hope so it is especially crushing when they relapse. I hope that you are coping as best you can.
I do have a just in case fund and have a very good job, I work hard at both to make sure I have the security he can't give me.
My A stayed sober yesterday and is of the attitude it was just a slip and it wont happen again. Not being in the best of moods this morning I bluntly told him that 'I really wonder sometimes if he has a total brain transplant when it comes to his illness'' and of course he does it's called denial.
Like you I am just waiting for it to happen again because unless he does something about it, it will .....
I do have a just in case fund and have a very good job, I work hard at both to make sure I have the security he can't give me.
My A stayed sober yesterday and is of the attitude it was just a slip and it wont happen again. Not being in the best of moods this morning I bluntly told him that 'I really wonder sometimes if he has a total brain transplant when it comes to his illness'' and of course he does it's called denial.
Like you I am just waiting for it to happen again because unless he does something about it, it will .....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Gollum, I agree that the relapses can hit us harder than the origional drinking. After all, we gathered up all our hope and faith and our belief in "miracles" and hooked it on to their star. We put all our precious eggs in that basket---to watch them smashed.
So many of us don't understand what it really takes for recovery (I didn't). We believe that rehab and some AA meetings is being in recovery. Few alcoholics really accept what they are told early in AA about what it takes---their denial fights it for all they are worth! For so many, they have to relapse time after ti me before they truly get it that true healing comes from working all the steps with a sponsor and that it must be the first priority in their lives. It is demanding and arduous work which demands complete honesty. The alcoholic must change their way of thinking and their attitudes and then their way of living.
My dear, I k now you feel devastated, right now. He may or may not eventually "get" it. You can't afford to ignore the reality of the disease to find out--or hook you hopes to half-efforts. You can go to those who have walked this walk before you and build a foundation for yourself. You can save yourself.
sincerely, dandylion
So many of us don't understand what it really takes for recovery (I didn't). We believe that rehab and some AA meetings is being in recovery. Few alcoholics really accept what they are told early in AA about what it takes---their denial fights it for all they are worth! For so many, they have to relapse time after ti me before they truly get it that true healing comes from working all the steps with a sponsor and that it must be the first priority in their lives. It is demanding and arduous work which demands complete honesty. The alcoholic must change their way of thinking and their attitudes and then their way of living.
My dear, I k now you feel devastated, right now. He may or may not eventually "get" it. You can't afford to ignore the reality of the disease to find out--or hook you hopes to half-efforts. You can go to those who have walked this walk before you and build a foundation for yourself. You can save yourself.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: West Sussex
Posts: 37
I know Dandylion and everything you say is right.
I took precautions when buying our house and so fourth, if the time comes that I should leave I am able to do so.
Thank you all so much for being there. You are a god send.
I took precautions when buying our house and so fourth, if the time comes that I should leave I am able to do so.
Thank you all so much for being there. You are a god send.
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