Wife is in recovery but out of love!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Lewis73 
Here's an odd situation.... Soon about to leave for the pub tonight she's chilling on the sofa... I go to give her a kiss goodbye.... She looks defensive so I say "kiss goodbye" and she says "no, I'm fine" I repeat "just a kiss bye" she says "no thanks, I'm fine"
I just don't know if it's Alchol recovery or actual dislike of me!
I just don't know if it's Alchol recovery or actual dislike of me!
What I'm reading between the lines is that the uncertainty about whether she still loves you or not scares you. When my wife took up with the bottle, it was exactly as if she was having an affair and that crushed me. I think a lot of us wonder whether our alcoholic loves us or the bottle more...and the truth is that when they're drinking it's not even a fair contest. The bottle wins every time.
The reality is that you're going through as much emotional turmoil as your wife is, maybe more. You're just not quite as emotionally fragile as she is, because you're not recovering from the after effects of your addiction. (Check out Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) for an idea as to what she's going thru).
Earlier, someone suggested that you get a support system and suggested Al-anon and/or therapy. That's still good advice. Your friends will support you, in that they'll listen and commiserate...but they really have no clue as to what you're going thru. And their "advice" is worth exactly what you're paying for it.
Here's my advice:
- Find an Al-anon group and make a commitment that you're going to at least try 6 meetings.
- Get some therapy.
- Don't make any life changing decisions for one year.
- Get it thru your head that if you're really committed to making yourself a better man...that you're going to do it for yourself. Not for your wife. Not for your next wife.
Take care of yourself.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I agree with the above.
I think its 100% normal anxiety amd fear that our A loved one will
Be this whole other person and leave us and for some that fact is scary true
But as I said your wife in subtle ways has hinted to having feelings for you still.
Shes also a recovering alcoholic and shes going through things herself.
You both are. So please reach out to others and talk.
Focus on you . Encourage her and give her the understanding and love and allow her
Time to come to in her own way.
Maybe even have a sit down with her and tell her
Honey I love you, I always have and always will.
Your health and recovery is important to me and I will be here to support your recovery.
Im not going anywhere and maybe in time the feelings that I have for you
Will be yours towards me. In the meantime the friend that you married first before I became husband
Is here if you need him. Take your time.
I think its 100% normal anxiety amd fear that our A loved one will
Be this whole other person and leave us and for some that fact is scary true
But as I said your wife in subtle ways has hinted to having feelings for you still.
Shes also a recovering alcoholic and shes going through things herself.
You both are. So please reach out to others and talk.
Focus on you . Encourage her and give her the understanding and love and allow her
Time to come to in her own way.
Maybe even have a sit down with her and tell her
Honey I love you, I always have and always will.
Your health and recovery is important to me and I will be here to support your recovery.
Im not going anywhere and maybe in time the feelings that I have for you
Will be yours towards me. In the meantime the friend that you married first before I became husband
Is here if you need him. Take your time.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Me going to a pub is tricky... She says its fine, in fact she says I should go out. I don't drink so it's not like I go and get drunk!
In a way I think it's better I go out and give her occasional space rather than stay I because my pub is off limits. I should add, she has gone there herself in the last 2 weeks to see friends... She drove and didn't drink and still had a good time.
It's just tough with her being like this. She flips between us being friends and her almost blanking me..... But if I said what's up she'd say it was all fine and quickly get fed up if I kept asking if she was ok.
Right now I don't know if I should just get on with being a good dad and husband and ignore the way he attitude makes me feel.... Or address it and risk pissing her off.... I feel like saying "listen, I get you aren't ready to bounce back to how we were years ago..... So let's act like friends, because right now you are acting like you actually dislike me (sometimes) and that makes it hard for me to be here"
But even as I type this I know it won't work and she'll say "you're hassling me"
Here's a dumb example.... She posted on Facebook today.... Just normal stuff, anyway I commented and she ignored it...... A friend then commented and straight away my wife was commenting back to her. Now if I raise that she'll say is just Facebook and I should not hassle her over such stupid stuff..... But all those little things add up and ruin my day.
In a way I think it's better I go out and give her occasional space rather than stay I because my pub is off limits. I should add, she has gone there herself in the last 2 weeks to see friends... She drove and didn't drink and still had a good time.
It's just tough with her being like this. She flips between us being friends and her almost blanking me..... But if I said what's up she'd say it was all fine and quickly get fed up if I kept asking if she was ok.
Right now I don't know if I should just get on with being a good dad and husband and ignore the way he attitude makes me feel.... Or address it and risk pissing her off.... I feel like saying "listen, I get you aren't ready to bounce back to how we were years ago..... So let's act like friends, because right now you are acting like you actually dislike me (sometimes) and that makes it hard for me to be here"
But even as I type this I know it won't work and she'll say "you're hassling me"
Here's a dumb example.... She posted on Facebook today.... Just normal stuff, anyway I commented and she ignored it...... A friend then commented and straight away my wife was commenting back to her. Now if I raise that she'll say is just Facebook and I should not hassle her over such stupid stuff..... But all those little things add up and ruin my day.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I have "turned off" in all of my relationships except one. I never turned off to my A because he was abusive and I'm sick, but I digress.. Anyway, everything would be perfect in my relationships and then I'd stop wanting sex. The more clingy and more puppy dog eyed they'd get, the more turned off I would get. Sometimes, I'd even get really angry because I perceived the pressure as an attack.
Women's sexuality is very psychological and complicated. And the more issues the woman has, the more this seems to apply. Give your wife more space. Let her come to you. Even the little begging for a kiss thing can be really horrible because it feels like it has ulterior motives (breaking the ice for sex).
If she's anything like me, she is probably feeling very guilty she doesn't feel like sleeping with you and is wishing she could do something to change it. You guys have four kids together which is obviously a huge motivation for her to want to stay in the marriage. I am sure she is as bothered by this whole physical rift as you are, maybe more.
I really hope everything gets better and that you can rebuild your lives together.
Erika
Women's sexuality is very psychological and complicated. And the more issues the woman has, the more this seems to apply. Give your wife more space. Let her come to you. Even the little begging for a kiss thing can be really horrible because it feels like it has ulterior motives (breaking the ice for sex).
If she's anything like me, she is probably feeling very guilty she doesn't feel like sleeping with you and is wishing she could do something to change it. You guys have four kids together which is obviously a huge motivation for her to want to stay in the marriage. I am sure she is as bothered by this whole physical rift as you are, maybe more.
I really hope everything gets better and that you can rebuild your lives together.
Erika
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
You're right, she does feel bad. She has said she wished it was better and hopes it will be in the future..... But she can't guarantee it and certainly doesn't feel it right now.
My only worry about giving her space is that if all we do together is act like vauge friends.... How will that spark grow? When we first grew the "love" it was by going on fun dates and having a laugh...... But she isn't ready to put herself into that environment (yet)
Do I just carry on with a platonic relationship, hope she doesn't find someone new and wait for her to say "do you fancy a hug"?
My only worry about giving her space is that if all we do together is act like vauge friends.... How will that spark grow? When we first grew the "love" it was by going on fun dates and having a laugh...... But she isn't ready to put herself into that environment (yet)
Do I just carry on with a platonic relationship, hope she doesn't find someone new and wait for her to say "do you fancy a hug"?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Things have changes since you first met. You can't use how your relationship bloomed as a map on how to get back there.
I hear your fear and I understand it. Here's the deal....she has been honest with you about how she feels at least it appears that way. Right now she is focused on recovery she can't focus on you. Because if your relationship is to ever get back "to normal" she cannot be an active alcoholic. Recovery is very difficult.....if you want to support you have to be able to put your own needs aside and really be commuted to her getting well. I stated before it sounds line you had other issues in the marriage besides her alcoholism. She can't tackle those now...she just can't. Its too much and frankly very risky this early to try and repair that situation without her being vulnerable to going back to old habits to deal with it. She is doing right now what she needs to do in order for you all to have a good relationship ....she is working on sobriety. She can't be a good wife...a good mother...or
a good anything but a good drunk if she is drinking.
It seems unfair as the partner to have to continue to wait...but it'd the path you have chosen by staying. I chose the same when my husband relapsed. I am glad I did.
Your fears that she will find so.done else if you don't fix this now are misguided. If that's what she chose to do she will having an intimate relationship wont stop that. I don't see red flags for it nor can I guarantee it won't happen.
We keep suggesting Al anon...what are your thoughts? It might be a good idea also for you to go into private counseling with an addiction specialist. It would be good for you to have someone to talk to who understands the dynamics of what your wife is feeling.
I hear your fear and I understand it. Here's the deal....she has been honest with you about how she feels at least it appears that way. Right now she is focused on recovery she can't focus on you. Because if your relationship is to ever get back "to normal" she cannot be an active alcoholic. Recovery is very difficult.....if you want to support you have to be able to put your own needs aside and really be commuted to her getting well. I stated before it sounds line you had other issues in the marriage besides her alcoholism. She can't tackle those now...she just can't. Its too much and frankly very risky this early to try and repair that situation without her being vulnerable to going back to old habits to deal with it. She is doing right now what she needs to do in order for you all to have a good relationship ....she is working on sobriety. She can't be a good wife...a good mother...or
a good anything but a good drunk if she is drinking.
It seems unfair as the partner to have to continue to wait...but it'd the path you have chosen by staying. I chose the same when my husband relapsed. I am glad I did.
Your fears that she will find so.done else if you don't fix this now are misguided. If that's what she chose to do she will having an intimate relationship wont stop that. I don't see red flags for it nor can I guarantee it won't happen.
We keep suggesting Al anon...what are your thoughts? It might be a good idea also for you to go into private counseling with an addiction specialist. It would be good for you to have someone to talk to who understands the dynamics of what your wife is feeling.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hey Lewis,
It doesn't really sound to me like she is looking for someone else right now but from my own experience, pushing her for physical intimacy only increases the chances of that. She's in recovery though, and from what people have said, people in real recovery are not out looking for relationships. So try to let that fear go if at all possible.
Unfortunately you have no choice but to wait to see what happens while going on with YOUR life. A man who is happy on his own, confident, and not needy, is attractive to a woman. Get involved with Al Anon, see your friends ( maybe for something else besides hanging at a bar), go to the gym a lot (or play a sport), read a good book in front of her, talk about where YOU are headed in your life. Oh, and laugh and be happy! The sad, longing guy is a major turn off.
You can survive without sex. If you were single, you wouldn't necessarily be having sex. What about getting a massage (not a "special" one--just a normal one)? Maybe you are craving the human touch more than the act itself?
FWIW, you two sound like you had a good sex life for a long time, and that her issues now are just about her recovery. I think she will come around.
It doesn't really sound to me like she is looking for someone else right now but from my own experience, pushing her for physical intimacy only increases the chances of that. She's in recovery though, and from what people have said, people in real recovery are not out looking for relationships. So try to let that fear go if at all possible.
Unfortunately you have no choice but to wait to see what happens while going on with YOUR life. A man who is happy on his own, confident, and not needy, is attractive to a woman. Get involved with Al Anon, see your friends ( maybe for something else besides hanging at a bar), go to the gym a lot (or play a sport), read a good book in front of her, talk about where YOU are headed in your life. Oh, and laugh and be happy! The sad, longing guy is a major turn off.
You can survive without sex. If you were single, you wouldn't necessarily be having sex. What about getting a massage (not a "special" one--just a normal one)? Maybe you are craving the human touch more than the act itself?
FWIW, you two sound like you had a good sex life for a long time, and that her issues now are just about her recovery. I think she will come around.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Well........we separated 
Since I last updated she crashed out of recovery and was back to 10 bottles a day in no time. My constant worry and hassling her drove her to drink more and me to worry more.....we were killing each other.
It got to the point where I hated loving her and she just plain hated me! So I moved out so she could get well.
I suppose my question now is......after a month of being apart she is (only as of yesterday) taking my calls - which I have been very careful to not push her with...she has had her space. But she seems to still feel almost nothing. I have been a mess, never felt heart ache like it...but she has thrown herself into fixing up the house and looking after the kids (we share alternate weekends) and doesnt seem to miss me at all.
In fact, on the phone she said I was emailing her too much......I went and checked and I've sent her an email a week!!! When I first left she sent ME about 10 moaning - she had a very rough time. Her parents found out she was a drinker and had a real go at her for "ruining" her marraige.
Anyway......she is not drinking, which is great....but she just sounds worn out with life. She has agreed we can see each other now and then....but only to say hi really. Its miles away from "trying again".
I just dont know what to do.....lol...i joined a "divorce forum" and 100% of them said "she doesnt love you...she's seeing someone else" - I just dont think they got the "drinker" bit.....she has been to drained to love or care for ANYONE. I suppose she could be texting someone...she isnt seeing anyone, she's not left the house (alone) since I went - she only ever goes out with the kids or her friends (and not much of that)
Will she get better and want me back???????
Since I last updated she crashed out of recovery and was back to 10 bottles a day in no time. My constant worry and hassling her drove her to drink more and me to worry more.....we were killing each other.
It got to the point where I hated loving her and she just plain hated me! So I moved out so she could get well.
I suppose my question now is......after a month of being apart she is (only as of yesterday) taking my calls - which I have been very careful to not push her with...she has had her space. But she seems to still feel almost nothing. I have been a mess, never felt heart ache like it...but she has thrown herself into fixing up the house and looking after the kids (we share alternate weekends) and doesnt seem to miss me at all.
In fact, on the phone she said I was emailing her too much......I went and checked and I've sent her an email a week!!! When I first left she sent ME about 10 moaning - she had a very rough time. Her parents found out she was a drinker and had a real go at her for "ruining" her marraige.
Anyway......she is not drinking, which is great....but she just sounds worn out with life. She has agreed we can see each other now and then....but only to say hi really. Its miles away from "trying again".
I just dont know what to do.....lol...i joined a "divorce forum" and 100% of them said "she doesnt love you...she's seeing someone else" - I just dont think they got the "drinker" bit.....she has been to drained to love or care for ANYONE. I suppose she could be texting someone...she isnt seeing anyone, she's not left the house (alone) since I went - she only ever goes out with the kids or her friends (and not much of that)
Will she get better and want me back???????
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Lewis, I will keep this simple here. First, let me say I am the recovering alcoholic, back from a relapse. (I have had LOTS of years sober in AA.)
I have been with husband #3 for 10 years and fell apart when we were supposed to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. I knew we were living a lie, and my way of dealing was to drink.
That said, I am sober again and listening to the AA message: "No major changes within the first year." ...so I am going with the flow. I would wish for him that he would go to Al-Anon, not for me, but for himself. We both need change. At the end of that year? I know if I stay sober I will be a different person and maybe "love" will come again in a different form. Stop looking at and analyzing details and work on you; you are worth it too.
I have been with husband #3 for 10 years and fell apart when we were supposed to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. I knew we were living a lie, and my way of dealing was to drink.
That said, I am sober again and listening to the AA message: "No major changes within the first year." ...so I am going with the flow. I would wish for him that he would go to Al-Anon, not for me, but for himself. We both need change. At the end of that year? I know if I stay sober I will be a different person and maybe "love" will come again in a different form. Stop looking at and analyzing details and work on you; you are worth it too.
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Easier said than done! I am in the gym everyday, out most evenings with friends for drinks/meals....see my kids a lot.......but she fills my mind! (I imagine this is what drink was like for her )
I suppose if she said "i hate you, go away" it would be simple....but she is just empty of love for anything (other than her kids and friends - and with friends I know its just an escape)
I guess I posted here to have someone say "she's a month off the booze, struggling with a seperation.....give her time" or something like that!
So I even support her and stay in touch? The divorce forums all say "ignore the wife...let her miss you".....but I dont want any negative thoughts in her head....is a friendly call once every few days ok or will it drive her as mad as me living there did?
)I suppose if she said "i hate you, go away" it would be simple....but she is just empty of love for anything (other than her kids and friends - and with friends I know its just an escape)
I guess I posted here to have someone say "she's a month off the booze, struggling with a seperation.....give her time" or something like that!
So I even support her and stay in touch? The divorce forums all say "ignore the wife...let her miss you".....but I dont want any negative thoughts in her head....is a friendly call once every few days ok or will it drive her as mad as me living there did?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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she has your number right? just let her be - it's not done to teach her a lesson it's just done to give you BOTH some space and distance so you can detoxify each in your own way.
you did not nag her into drinking more. your leaving did not cause her to sober up. you are not in control of the thoughts in her head. I suggest you stay away until you BELIEVE that. when you see her as an autonomous being in charge of her own mind, body and actions. when you can see her in her totality and THEN decide if the person she is TODAY (or tomorrow, or 6 months down the road) is someone you CHOOSE to be with, out of free will not obligation or guilt.
you did not nag her into drinking more. your leaving did not cause her to sober up. you are not in control of the thoughts in her head. I suggest you stay away until you BELIEVE that. when you see her as an autonomous being in charge of her own mind, body and actions. when you can see her in her totality and THEN decide if the person she is TODAY (or tomorrow, or 6 months down the road) is someone you CHOOSE to be with, out of free will not obligation or guilt.
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Dear Lewis73, I am so sorry that your heart feels broken. Any of us who have gone through a break-up know how absolutely awfuuul that feels.
It is a difficult truth that not all marriages make it for a lifetime. I can't predict yours, of course----but, the MAY be the case.
I have a hunch that you may have co-dependency tendencies. If this is true---that would mean that you possess qualities that are not healthy, either. Her alcoholic tendencys are not healthy for a relationship. You may have a marriage of two very nice people who are broken in places that don't allow for a mutually satisfying relationship. Your marriage may have been run-off-in-the-ditch.
If my "guesses" are correct (or even partially correct)---then I believe that alanon would be of considerable help for you as well as lots of support. You can't control her part--but, you can control your part.
You might give Melody Beatties's books a go for starters.
After saying all this--I want to say that I have the deepest empathy for the grief that you are experiencing.
very sincerely, dandylion
It is a difficult truth that not all marriages make it for a lifetime. I can't predict yours, of course----but, the MAY be the case.
I have a hunch that you may have co-dependency tendencies. If this is true---that would mean that you possess qualities that are not healthy, either. Her alcoholic tendencys are not healthy for a relationship. You may have a marriage of two very nice people who are broken in places that don't allow for a mutually satisfying relationship. Your marriage may have been run-off-in-the-ditch.
If my "guesses" are correct (or even partially correct)---then I believe that alanon would be of considerable help for you as well as lots of support. You can't control her part--but, you can control your part.
You might give Melody Beatties's books a go for starters.
After saying all this--I want to say that I have the deepest empathy for the grief that you are experiencing.
very sincerely, dandylion
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Anvil head, I understand - although, my leaving did HELP to get her sober. Had I stayed she would have got worse, we both would have.
I suppose its good to hear that the "space" thing is still ok with a drinker......all the advice I have had has been based on the assumption the other half is seeing someone else, or is violent, etc ..... it seemed like it was done to get them to wake up and smell the coffee. I wasnt sure that it was good for a drinker to just be left alone like that?
Especially when she is surrounded by friends who (try as they might) cant possibley give her all the right advice.
I suppose its good to hear that the "space" thing is still ok with a drinker......all the advice I have had has been based on the assumption the other half is seeing someone else, or is violent, etc ..... it seemed like it was done to get them to wake up and smell the coffee. I wasnt sure that it was good for a drinker to just be left alone like that?
Especially when she is surrounded by friends who (try as they might) cant possibley give her all the right advice.
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dandylion,
thank you.
you are probably right.....I know I'm not right! After a month I still find myself starting to cry for no obvious reason!!!! It's like I'm pregnant!!!
I have booked in to see a relationship councilor in the morning and I'll read the book you suggest.
At the end of the day....I suppose it just sucks! We have a great house, 4 kids, 20 years of history and (somewhere) a lot of love. If we got it back it would just be so much better than anything new could ever be - but I realise, thats only if we both got better first. Just going back to how it was would see one of us clobber the other with a frying pan
thank you.
you are probably right.....I know I'm not right! After a month I still find myself starting to cry for no obvious reason!!!! It's like I'm pregnant!!!
I have booked in to see a relationship councilor in the morning and I'll read the book you suggest.
At the end of the day....I suppose it just sucks! We have a great house, 4 kids, 20 years of history and (somewhere) a lot of love. If we got it back it would just be so much better than anything new could ever be - but I realise, thats only if we both got better first. Just going back to how it was would see one of us clobber the other with a frying pan
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Originally Posted by Lewis73
i joined a "divorce forum" and 100% of them said "she doesnt love you...she's seeing someone else" - I just dont think they got the "drinker" bit.....she has been to drained to love or care for ANYONE.
And while she has no ability to love anyone right now she may well have the ability to find an enabler who will go along with her belief she's got it all under control and who she can get to be happy with her in her current state.
You are healthy and won't enable her. But she may find another addict who does.
So, in some ways the divorce forum folks are right...
I feel your pain in your words-- I really do. I was the one heartbroken, not my AH (who is in the process of becoming my xAH) that it did not work even though he was the A and abusive and ugly toward me.
It's almost like our alcoholic spouses become OUR addiction. We know they are not good for us but emotionally we can't break away. That's what your AW is like with alcohol and it's what we are like with them, don't you think?
So sorry for all you're dealing with
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That is it 100%
Here's a perfect summary....
She would spend all day thinking "dont drink, dont drink"
I'd spend all day thinking "did she drink, did she drink"
And EVERY day.....one of us would fail! If I failed it would be because I said "did you drink".......which would make her drink!!!
If she failed it would be because she drank.....which would make me say "why you drinking" so she'd drink more!!!
The amount of times she'd be stood in one room saying to herself "do not drink" and I'd be in another room saying to myself "dont mention the drink"......we'd pull ourselves together. Join each other for an evening of telly....and one of us would just fail......3hrs later we'd be fighting, she'd be wasted and the kids would think "here they go again"
I suppose one thing I do find sad is that......we both have this illness, and somewhere love for each other....its such a shame we cant help each other through it! If I broke my foot and she broke her wrist we'd be perfect "poorly buddies"
Here's a perfect summary....
She would spend all day thinking "dont drink, dont drink"
I'd spend all day thinking "did she drink, did she drink"
And EVERY day.....one of us would fail! If I failed it would be because I said "did you drink".......which would make her drink!!!
If she failed it would be because she drank.....which would make me say "why you drinking" so she'd drink more!!!
The amount of times she'd be stood in one room saying to herself "do not drink" and I'd be in another room saying to myself "dont mention the drink"......we'd pull ourselves together. Join each other for an evening of telly....and one of us would just fail......3hrs later we'd be fighting, she'd be wasted and the kids would think "here they go again"
I suppose one thing I do find sad is that......we both have this illness, and somewhere love for each other....its such a shame we cant help each other through it! If I broke my foot and she broke her wrist we'd be perfect "poorly buddies"
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
What you wrote describest the last 3 yrs of my marriage (but with me there was abuse from my AH).
What I feel worst about is my poor kids who like yours probably thought time and again "here they go again".
Ultimately I had to decide that whatever MY feelings and wants for my life with a spouse I had to look at what was best for my kids bc they had to be first.
Once he became abusive I still might (I can't believe I am saying this) have been willing to try and stay with him if I hadn't had kids... With kids in the picture I knew I could not subject them to another second of the stress and misery that he and I created together....
Your description below is perfectly succinct and describes so many of us and our dynamic with the A...
What I feel worst about is my poor kids who like yours probably thought time and again "here they go again".
Ultimately I had to decide that whatever MY feelings and wants for my life with a spouse I had to look at what was best for my kids bc they had to be first.
Once he became abusive I still might (I can't believe I am saying this) have been willing to try and stay with him if I hadn't had kids... With kids in the picture I knew I could not subject them to another second of the stress and misery that he and I created together....
Your description below is perfectly succinct and describes so many of us and our dynamic with the A...
Originally Posted by Lewis73
That is it 100%
Here's a perfect summary....
She would spend all day thinking "dont drink, dont drink"
I'd spend all day thinking "did she drink, did she drink"
And EVERY day.....one of us would fail! If I failed it would be because I said "did you drink".......which would make her drink!!!
If she failed it would be because she drank.....which would make me say "why you drinking" so she'd drink more!!!
The amount of times she'd be stood in one room saying to herself "do not drink" and I'd be in another room saying to myself "dont mention the drink"......we'd pull ourselves together. Join each other for an evening of telly....and one of us would just fail......3hrs later we'd be fighting, she'd be wasted and the kids would think "here they go again"
I suppose one thing I do find sad is that......we both have this illness, and somewhere love for each other....its such a shame we cant help each other through it! If I broke my foot and she broke her wrist we'd be perfect "poorly buddies"
Here's a perfect summary....
She would spend all day thinking "dont drink, dont drink"
I'd spend all day thinking "did she drink, did she drink"
And EVERY day.....one of us would fail! If I failed it would be because I said "did you drink".......which would make her drink!!!
If she failed it would be because she drank.....which would make me say "why you drinking" so she'd drink more!!!
The amount of times she'd be stood in one room saying to herself "do not drink" and I'd be in another room saying to myself "dont mention the drink"......we'd pull ourselves together. Join each other for an evening of telly....and one of us would just fail......3hrs later we'd be fighting, she'd be wasted and the kids would think "here they go again"
I suppose one thing I do find sad is that......we both have this illness, and somewhere love for each other....its such a shame we cant help each other through it! If I broke my foot and she broke her wrist we'd be perfect "poorly buddies"
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Hi LLewis,
You might want to look at Karpman Drama Triangle. I believe it is discussed in Codependent No More. Getting the A sober is not enough. You are both probably acting out various roles in the drama triangle. My (R)AH has not called me in 3 days. I get edgy when he doesn't call from rehab as I start worrying, so I too am overly wrapped up in my codie marriage. Let her go, don't make up reasons to Email or call. Some distance might help you realize how you can disengage from the emotional drama.
You might want to look at Karpman Drama Triangle. I believe it is discussed in Codependent No More. Getting the A sober is not enough. You are both probably acting out various roles in the drama triangle. My (R)AH has not called me in 3 days. I get edgy when he doesn't call from rehab as I start worrying, so I too am overly wrapped up in my codie marriage. Let her go, don't make up reasons to Email or call. Some distance might help you realize how you can disengage from the emotional drama.
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