Bewilderment

I am utterly lost, confused, depressed and bewildered upon discovering that my now-ex bf is an alcoholic and substance abuser, and has completely ended things btw us.
No, I did not have any idea. I have no experience w/drugs and only some w/alcohol. I did not know how to recognize the signs, and I do not know how to handle the pain I am going through from losing him, and the life we planned together. (Marriage, kids, a lifetime ahead).

Neither of us was looking for anyone when we met. We had both lost our previous Loves in tragic, Horrible accidents. (His late Wife, my late BF). Neither of us thought we would ever fall in love again. But we met& that all melted away. Over a year, we talked all the time, fell in love, made plans for a future, etc. The only bad time was when he once just kind of went off the grid (now I guess I know why).

We both travel a lot for work, so it didn't bother me not to see or hear from him constantly. I am not someone who wants company every second. But I guess this is how he hid his alcoholism, and his other substance.

Then, when we were getting ready to travel together, and start plans for moving in together, he disappeared &went on serious binges 2 weekends in a row. Then he disappeared & left me to go on the trip alone.
I was SO confused & could not understand what was going on, finally discovering bit by bit that he has a serious alcohol problem & another addiction too.

I tried very hard to talk to him about it, that I am very worried about him & what he is doing to his life- he could kill himself or someone else!
Long story short, he has finally just stopped talking to me. It has been a few months now.
He is only spending time w/his Alcoholic friends. He (hopefully) sobers up for work, then goes home & drinks his life away.

Then 2 days ago, I find out that he just asked another girl to marry him!!!When did he meet this girl??? How could he fall in love with her? How could he fall out of love with Me??? How can he want to marry her instead of me???
She turned him down.......
And now people say all he is doing is drinking drinking drinking drinking.

Someone, please, tell me something!! I don't know what has happened to my world? I don't know what to do, what to say.

And now I feel totally humiliated too, because of this proposal he made to someone new! My world has fallen apart, and I can barely even breathe.

LexieCat

I'm a little confused. Which came first, the breakup or finding out he is an alcoholic/addict? Your post sounds like he was already an ex when you found out.

I'd say you should be grateful you didn't wind up legally tied to this man, not to mention the prospect of having children together. Those situations can be nightmares that go on for years and years of suffering--both you and any children involved.

I'm sorry you are so hurt, but this guy is NOT marriage material. I'd suggest you grieve the loss and work on moving on with your life.

Bewilderment

We broke up after I found out & I started trying to talk about it with him.

What I am asking here is for help in figuring out HOW to move on. This has been shattering for me. I still love him, still worry about him.
I don't know anything about alcoholism, drug addiction or anything.
It is all totally new to me & I'm finding it all hard to handle & don't know where to start.

wicked

Bewilderment,

I am sorry for your confusion and pain. There is a lot of reading material here and some stickeys at the top of every forum.
It is so wild to be drug around by someone with a substance abuse problem. I have been both the problem, and married to the problem.
I think you are hurting now, and do not want to know that he has done you a HUGE favor by ruining your connection to him.
He will only get worse unless he chooses to get better. It doesn't seem (after LYING to you every day for a year?) that he is interested in recovery.
Ask yourself what clues you missed, you do not want to get caught up with an addict of any kind. It is hell. Truly hell, and you will lose yourself trying to help someone who resents you for caring.
Okay, I have gone off the rails here.
Take care of yourself. Be good to you. You deserve all someone has to offer, not just a little window they allow you to peek in.

Beth

wicked

Sorry, some alcoholics are very sneaky, and you are not at fault for missing anything.
Sometimes I have a denial problem, looking over things, and it was not right of me to assume you missed anything.
Hugs, and remember to be good to yourself.

Beth

DreamsofSerenity

Oh boy, that is a doozie. My exabf also left me very suddenly so I kind of understand the shock and devastation you are feeling. He didn't ask anyone to marry him, but it wouldn't have surprised me if he did.

I think the main thing you need to try to understand and accept is that your exbf is SICK and sick people do hurtful things. Once I got that part--and it was very hard for some reason--I started to feel better.

Just go on with your life one day at a time-- or one hour at time if things are really bad. It is going to hurt for a while, but I promise it will get better.

Hugs

LadyinBC

This guy gave you a gift. Believe me, as an alcoholic and someone who grew up in an alcoholic home, this is not a person you want to get married to and build a life with. There is nothing you can do to make them "better" and you can't fix them. Read some of the stories here and you will see the devastation that us alcoholics cause to those that love us the most. We are horrid people when we drink. All that matters is the booze.

You deserve someone who will cherish you and treat you with respect. Don't ever settle for anything less.

fluffyflea

If you can step back and look at his behaviour it;s all crazy behaviour. He is sick, caught up in his alcoholism.

Please try not to internalize it and take it personally. It,s nothing to do with you.

Good luck.

LifeRecovery

Bewilderment-

I finally got off the crazy train of living in an environment of addiction (which I was knowingly in for five years) when my ex had an affair.

I somehow had boundaries around that that I could not have around the alcohol use.

Al-Anon (for friends and families who have loved ones struggling with addiction) helped me to heal from both. So did a lot of reading, SR, and individual counseling.

I am so sorry you are hurting, and I hope in time you are able to realize that this was probably a blessing that has helped you to learn so much about yourself.

LexieCat

Alcoholics often "need" someone in their life who will tolerate their behavior. That's probably what the "proposal" was all about--and apparently the woman he asked wasn't up for the ride.

If you were to reconnect with him, in an effort to fill that need, you would be setting yourself up for endless heartache. Much worse than what you are going through now--trust me on this. Breakups are always painful--even when we know they are for the best.

For what it's worth, most alcoholics are not able to accept the need for recovery until they have had repeated losses in their lives. Some people lose everything--jobs, families, freedom, and they still drink. It sounds like your ex is a long way from accepting his disease and being willing to deal with it.

I suggest you look into some Al-Anon meetings--they may help with the healing process.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, bewilderment.

I am sorry for your situation that brought you here, but hope you find some wisdom, peace, and hope here as I have.

First of all, you got conned by an alcoholic. It's ok to admit that. They con others because they con themselves first and foremost. For many, its not on purpose as a way to literally con you. it's related to the way they live their lives lying to themselves, and the insatiable need for instant gratification.

I know you thought you were having a relationship and it is shocking to find out you probably weren't in the way you thought, but I am going to share a bit of advice I got from my therapist and my sponsor that has served me well in coming to terms with my alcoholic marriage. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

You are using words above that are very...well...catastrophizing. And when we use words like this, we feel like this. I am not saying this to minimize your feelings, just to get you to see that often, we amp up our emotions with words like these. And they are just that...emotions.

I remember saying my world had ended, and the therapist had me list out just how that had happened. And you know what, it didn't end. I still have my career, my children from a previous marriage, my health, financial security, extended family, friends. What ended? My world? Or my relationship? Compartmentalizing it down to what it really was helped put it into a perspective that didn't seem...well...so "shattering".

Relationships end. Sometimes we end them, sometimes ended by circumstances beyond our control (like by the other person, or by disability or death). Relationships end every day. Not every relationship we enter into is meant to last forever. But it doesn't mean our world ends, or that we, as people, become shattered and broken and less than ourselves. It just hurts, that's all. It hurts like the dickens, and that's ok. But be careful that you don't paint yourself into the "life is over corner" when it isn't.

"As we think, so we are"

Try re-framing your perspective into one where you find some gratitude that this ended now, not 20 years from now with a couple kids in tow for the chaos and misery that comes with trying to have a relationship with a person with addictions. Maybe think of this as a learning lesson and take some time for introspection...what was it that you liked about him? Why? I know I am attracted to the charming side alcoholics seem to have. My husband was not my first, this I know now. And I am taking some time to really identify why this is.

Lastly, I know it sucks. Trust me, we all here can identify with those feelings. I am sorry for your pain.
Peace,
~T

redatlanta

The best thing you can do is to read and educate yourself on alcoholism and addiction.

Your ex's woman isn't a human its a bottle. Before you and any person on this planet he will protect his true love which is booze. He has demonstrated that to you already by exiting the relationship so HE - CAN - DRINK. As for the marriage proposal I am sure it hurt - most likely the ramblings of an intoxicated man desperate to find a codie and enabler that will help him further his relationship with Alcohol.

I know it hurts and for that I am sorry, but living with an active alcoholic is miserable. You will never understand the way they think and how illogical it is because you aren't one.

You got lucky.

Recovering2

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but can't help being glad you're out of it. The A's first love, always, is alcohol. You would never come first. They will do anything to protect that addiction, including getting rid of anyone blocking their path. Just because he's engaged to someone else, don't assume it's Happily Ever After. Not even close. They often hook up with someone who will enable their disease.
You can't see it now, but you've been given a gift. This is a progressive disease, it does not remain stagnant. The A gets worse over time. So once you have moved past the loss of this relationship, you are free to live your life how you choose. You are free from the hiding, manipulating, disappearing, anger of the A. You can find someone who truly loves you first, not alcohol.
Read the sticky's at the top of the page, keep reading the posts here. Consider going to AlAnon meetings to hear others share their experiences. I think you will eventually look back and be grateful for the break up.

Bewilderment

I am really thankful that you all have shared these experiences with me. I am trying to focus on some things that have been said collectively here, and one that is being repeated most is you don't know it now, but this is a gift to you, because it will have been a lot worse over time.

I won't pretend like I'm feeling over this, because I know I am still far from that. I'm still dealing with the breakup, introduction to a world I didn't know about (addiction), and now the embarrassment of him proposing to someone else in just a few months. (Also that this life I thought I/We were living is an illusion and is over)

*But I am reading the words posted in your replies over & over because I want them to stick.

I'm going to look into Al Anon & keep reading these messages & others on the board.
I have decided that today I am going to do some things just for me- go for a walk, listen to happy music, whatever.

peridotbleu

He has given you a gift of freedom! Please concentrate on you. Learn all that you can about addiction so that you can make healthy decisions for yourself in the future! This forum is a Godsend. There are lots of wonderful people here who will guide you in the right direction - they have helped me tremendously and will do the same for you!
Take care!

DreamsofSerenity

Bewilderment, Yes! You have the exactly the right idea about what will help you: Al Anon, SR, and taking care of YOU. Good for you.

Crazed

Bewliderment- I feel for you. Breakups in general are very painful. But to me, the breakup with my EXAG has been, and still is, devastating. The shock of the hurtful things they do, the chaos, etc, is so very painful. There is no concern for anyone other than themselves.

I am having a very hard time with this part as well.

Bewilderment

Thank you for realizing that the breakup has been hard enough on its own.

I feel for you too, and hope you are getting through it.

Recovering2

The only person who has reason to be embarrassed about the new whirlwind courtship is your XBF!!! It is most certainly not a reflection on you. It just shows how messed up the alcoholic thought processes are. Hold your head up girl, you're going to be okay.

Seren

Hello Bewilderment!

*Sigh* Yep. It can be a crazy whirlwind ride of emotions. You are definitely among folks to truly understand how you are feeling and what you have been through.

Please make yourself at home and read all the posts you can. Vent away here anytime you feel the need.

I think this is a great idea! I hope you have a peaceful and restful night.