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Shocked to find out (now Ex-)BF is Alcoholic, please share advice!



Shocked to find out (now Ex-)BF is Alcoholic, please share advice!

Old 03-21-2013, 06:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Bewilderment, I don't have much more advice to give because the replies you have gotten so far are basically perfect....I want you to know that I was in the same boat as you 4.5 months ago (feel free to read my old threads) and although as far as I know he didn't propose to anyone, he had a new gf/enabler within 2 months if not sooner.....the pain was endless. Here is what I found out....everything these people tell you is true, why? Because they all walked in our shoes at one point and they loved their As as much as we did and at one point thought that their A was the love of their life whom would never hurt them....Secondly and unfortunately, you are in the grieving process and the only way to get through it is to go through it: it just takes time, truly allow yourself those feelings, do not be hard on yourself, do not underestimate your own trauma, grieve and slowly it will get better....trust me. Do not contact him, you will only feel worse, I texted him so much the first 2 months because I was convinced he had gone mad and had made a mistake....he never responded, he just severed me completely, almost 5 months now with no contact ever from him....save your dignity, you will be so much happier in the end. Read, read, read, educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism and addiction, it will make you understand why he did the things he did and never ever beat yourself up....it was never about you, it is about him. It took me a long time to understand that I was powerless over the alcohol and I later found out also, a cocaine addiction. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with people that love you, reach out to those on this forum, seek counselling and you will get better....4 months ago I would not have been writing this....4 months later, I hope I have helped you. Take care of yourself, you deserve to be loved, you will survive it, I promise. -Hugs.
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Old 03-21-2013, 07:35 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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brokenrose, thank you so much. I wonder if I will feel that way in 4 1/2 months.
I am stumbling thru how to use the site & don't yet know how to find your old threads, but I will look. 2 months or less? That's just awful! (Not that mine was any better.)

Like your Ex, mine unbelievably has cut off contact with me. Is that common with Alcoholics, when you find out that they are?

I'm wondering how he is holding down his job. I'm starting to worry that he is going to die. I still wonder how he could have left me (and I guess Real, Actual Life) for alcohol? I mean, it's just liquid in a glass!!! How can it ruin everything???
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Old 03-21-2013, 08:18 PM
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I want to edit the statement above but I can't find an edit button.

I think it came across as judgemental and I didn't mean it that way.
I meant, I really just don't understand.

I want to understand, and I respect anyone who has worked hard to overcome their addictions.
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Old 03-21-2013, 09:52 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry and most of us understand your pain! Trust me on this one just read! I am typing from my iPad so I am not going to type much but plan to come back to this post! Please do yourself a favor....run! I had a similar situation & it was horrible but then I allowed myself to become a ping pong ball! Drop to your knees, thank the God Lord, then Grab your T. Shoes & Run like He!!
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Old 03-22-2013, 04:07 AM
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I am going through the same experience too. Its been one month and no contact what so ever. I am so glad I found this site and I have been reading old post just to get through each day. There is so much insight here and I am blessed to get through my days because of all the kind people here!!!
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Old 03-22-2013, 10:18 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I'm on the same boat. My xabf dumped me just like that 5 weeks ago. Tho couple days before he was telling me all this sweet and charming lies of his love to me. We've been in touch for first two weeks. After that at one point he just never replied to my text or pick up the phone anymore, Without any explanation. I've got no clue what's going on and it's killing me as I started to blame it on myself. But everyday I telling to myself he is sick and he acting like sick person, not me. And at the end of the day Ive done nothing bad and hurtful to anybody and I can look in the mirror with dignity.

Hugs for you x
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Old 03-22-2013, 11:14 AM
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I mean, it's just liquid in a glass!!! How can it ruin everything???

because to the alcoholic mind, that "liquid" IS everything. it's not that he can't quit for YOU....he can't quit for himself. it IS that powerful. it's addiction, a physical compulsion and a mental obsession.

that's why ultimatums rarely work: me or the booze (or the pills, or the coke, or the gambling, or the porn....or the hoarding, or the food). to the ADDICT mind you might as well say: me or breathing.
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Old 03-22-2013, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by stucna View Post
After that at one point he just never replied to my text or pick up the phone anymore, Without any explanation. I've got no clue what's going on and it's killing me as I started to blame it on myself. And at the end of the day Ive done nothing bad and hurtful to anybody and I can look in the mirror with dignity.

Hugs for you x
That happened to me too. I'm sorry, I know it hurts! I hear "no contact" is supposed to be helpful, but I have had varying success with that. I did send him a msg after I found out about this proposal, but then blocked him.

Of course, now that he's proposed to another woman, I am filled with doubts about myself- am I ugly? fat? uninteresting? What?? People's posts are helping, people seem to be saying that it's because I'm not supporting his alcohol abuse. If that's common, maybe that's what happened in your case too.

I tried to go to an Alanon meeting today but can't find one near me today. I will go when I find one.

Let's keep reading & posting. It doesn't feel like it will get better, but I guess it will.
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Old 03-22-2013, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I mean, it's just liquid in a glass!!! How can it ruin everything???

because to the alcoholic mind, that "liquid" IS everything. it's not that he can't quit for YOU....he can't quit for himself. it IS that powerful. it's addiction, a physical compulsion and a mental obsession.

that's why ultimatums rarely work: me or the booze (or the pills, or the coke, or the gambling, or the porn....or the hoarding, or the food). to the ADDICT mind you might as well say: me or breathing.
Anvil head, that is a really powerful post. I can't wrap my thoughts around this. I'm still thinking, 'he can stop if he wants to, why doesn't he want it enough? Why is he doing this??'
I'm reading your post again, and I am scared for him.

Do they even know how much they are hurting us??
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:02 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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it's not about hurting YOU...he's not drinking AT you or to hurt you. in fact, you aren't even part of the equation.

help is available. treatment centers are thriving, AA and NA meetings are in every corner of the planet. this is a battle he's been engaged in for a long time, not just since you showed up. and it remains his battle to fight now.

from what you shared, you really didn't KNOW this guy much at all. he showed you what he wanted you to see, and you saw what you wanted to see. i doubt this is the first time he's pulled this stunt. and i doubt it's the last!!!

it didn't work out. he wasn't a viable pick. he wasn't who you thought he was, by any stretch of the imagination. now you know that and you can move on.
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it's not about hurting YOU...he's not drinking AT you or to hurt you. in fact, you aren't even part of the equation.

this is a battle he's been engaged in for a long time.

he showed you what he wanted you to see, and you saw what you wanted to see.

it didn't work out. he wasn't a viable pick. he wasn't who you thought he was, by any stretch of the imagination. now you know that and you can move on.
It's getting more clear. But still sad.
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:35 PM
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It's hard to understand that is what never about you, but it was never about you. You can be drop dead gorgeous, brilliant, witty, rich, etc. He still desires the alcohol first and foremost. You find that hard to understand because you're thinking like a normal sober person. He isn't. The mid-brain is where alcohol does its work. That part of the brain deals with the basics of survival...eat/sleep/reproduction/fight or flight, etc. Reptiles only have a midbrain, they only understand survival. The part of the brain that is responsible for compassion, empathy, love, etc is not communicating with the mid-brain in addiction. The alcohol causes that. The A only knows to survive and feel right they need the drug. So it's not about you. He is not aware of the hurt he has caused. He isn't capable of feeling compassion or love due to his current state. He is not relationship material.
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:50 PM
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That makes incredible sense to me! To my head anyway- still working on the heart.
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Old 03-22-2013, 01:06 PM
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Your heart will mend. Listen to your head in the mean time.
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