Change in plans! Need help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Change in plans! Need help!
So last thread said I was going to detach and accept my husbands help while going through cancer treatments.
Yesterday was my first day of chemo and radiation and my husband agreed to be with me all day. I couldnt do it all. I kept thinking abouy how he had just been sleeping with his gf and then going to be with me all day. It kept running through my mind. I told him he is toxic and I cant deal with him pretending to be a good husband and supporting me and then going home and having a girlfriend. He acts like nothing was wrong with it.
I decided to take the bull by the horns. I emailed my small support system and made a list of my needs. As fate would Have it, I have it covered. I told him to drop off out daughter daily at my friends moms house so we dont have to interact. I sent him a final email with schedule then blocked his cell phone. For our 4 yr old, He has home # and work # and email in case of emergency. I just didnt want him to text me.
He then proceeded this morning to email me at work saying that hes going to email my boss all our personal drama, he is going to turn in my car (i pay, his name), remove my car from insurance, cancel my health insurance and file for divorce. Really? While he knows i am going thru cancer?
I cannot face a divorce in addition to all of this. I need help SR family! I finally got strong and here come al the threats. What do i do??!
Yesterday was my first day of chemo and radiation and my husband agreed to be with me all day. I couldnt do it all. I kept thinking abouy how he had just been sleeping with his gf and then going to be with me all day. It kept running through my mind. I told him he is toxic and I cant deal with him pretending to be a good husband and supporting me and then going home and having a girlfriend. He acts like nothing was wrong with it.
I decided to take the bull by the horns. I emailed my small support system and made a list of my needs. As fate would Have it, I have it covered. I told him to drop off out daughter daily at my friends moms house so we dont have to interact. I sent him a final email with schedule then blocked his cell phone. For our 4 yr old, He has home # and work # and email in case of emergency. I just didnt want him to text me.
He then proceeded this morning to email me at work saying that hes going to email my boss all our personal drama, he is going to turn in my car (i pay, his name), remove my car from insurance, cancel my health insurance and file for divorce. Really? While he knows i am going thru cancer?
I cannot face a divorce in addition to all of this. I need help SR family! I finally got strong and here come al the threats. What do i do??!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, if the car & car insurance are in his name, it sounds like he has a legal leg to stand on. As for the health insurance, that can be a bit more complicated...in most cases, you can't cancel health insurance coverage unless there's a "qualifying event," such as a legal separation or a finalized divorce decree. Many people don't know this though, so he may just be blowing smoke and he may think he can just call up and blast away your coverage. He probably can't. He's lashing out.
That being said, I would say to focus as much as you can on your health and try to enlist your circle to help you researching health insurance options just to be safe. You may qualify for COBRA, which will give you continuing health coverage if/when your coverage under him ends (although you would have to pay for it).
I'm not sure if you're boss is aware of your "personal drama" as he put it, but it's up to you as to whether you choose to do a preemptive strike of sorts to clue him/her in. Some people are comfortable sharing personal struggles with their bosses, some are not. I felt like I could confide in my boss about my dramas, and she's been supportive and understanding. But I did it because I wanted to and not because I felt backed into a corner, so it's a slightly different situation.
No matter what happens, I truly hope you can focus on you and your health. I'm sending you all the strength, hope, and hugs I can.
That being said, I would say to focus as much as you can on your health and try to enlist your circle to help you researching health insurance options just to be safe. You may qualify for COBRA, which will give you continuing health coverage if/when your coverage under him ends (although you would have to pay for it).
I'm not sure if you're boss is aware of your "personal drama" as he put it, but it's up to you as to whether you choose to do a preemptive strike of sorts to clue him/her in. Some people are comfortable sharing personal struggles with their bosses, some are not. I felt like I could confide in my boss about my dramas, and she's been supportive and understanding. But I did it because I wanted to and not because I felt backed into a corner, so it's a slightly different situation.
No matter what happens, I truly hope you can focus on you and your health. I'm sending you all the strength, hope, and hugs I can.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
iamthird...I am sure Lexie will have some very good advice on the legal side...
I have had those threats from the 1st abusive AH...he never did any of them. I think you did well. You are taking care of you-your health, your sanity etc. To get well from illness, removing the causes of anger in your life so that you can be at peace is very important in the healing process. Bravo for taking the steps you did!
I had to ask myself when it was happening to me..."So, what's the worst that can happen if he calls my boss?" I realized that he would likely tell me what an asshat he is and good thing you are away from him.
About the car...not sure if yours is like mine was, but he would NEVER in your circumstances take away my car. He would not want to look like the bad guy.
My heart goes out to you...I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs.
I have had those threats from the 1st abusive AH...he never did any of them. I think you did well. You are taking care of you-your health, your sanity etc. To get well from illness, removing the causes of anger in your life so that you can be at peace is very important in the healing process. Bravo for taking the steps you did!
I had to ask myself when it was happening to me..."So, what's the worst that can happen if he calls my boss?" I realized that he would likely tell me what an asshat he is and good thing you are away from him.
About the car...not sure if yours is like mine was, but he would NEVER in your circumstances take away my car. He would not want to look like the bad guy.
My heart goes out to you...I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He's mad that you've stood up for yourself, and he's lashing out. I think most of it is probably just threats to re-engage you. He can't just drop you from the insurance. I'm not sure what he has to gain from talking to your boss. If nothing, I would let that go. If it could be a problem, I would agree to make the pre-emptive strike and let your boss know your ex may try to stir the pot and ask that they respectfully decline to get involved.
Hang in there. Take care of you as always. This too shall pass.
Hang in there. Take care of you as always. This too shall pass.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree--hasn't he made these threats before? The insurance ones, anyway.
My last ex got ticked off at me and threatened to "out" me to my bosses about my drinking. I told him to be my guest. I will have harassment charges filed against him so fast his head would spin. He knows I wasn't kidding. Besides, I had heard all the threats about what he was going to "do to" his ex wife, and he never moved a muscle, not even on stuff he legally could have done. It's all noise.
Now, you know him better than we do, but my impression is that he is like that, too--all noise and no action. Let him blow off steam. I don't know the answer to the health insurance question. I would really suggest you talk to a lawyer to find out your rights. A consultation should not cost very much, and it would keep you from these worries about things that may not even be an issue. Just FYI, a court could order him to continue making payments for your health insurance. But you really need to talk with a family law attorney.
My last ex got ticked off at me and threatened to "out" me to my bosses about my drinking. I told him to be my guest. I will have harassment charges filed against him so fast his head would spin. He knows I wasn't kidding. Besides, I had heard all the threats about what he was going to "do to" his ex wife, and he never moved a muscle, not even on stuff he legally could have done. It's all noise.
Now, you know him better than we do, but my impression is that he is like that, too--all noise and no action. Let him blow off steam. I don't know the answer to the health insurance question. I would really suggest you talk to a lawyer to find out your rights. A consultation should not cost very much, and it would keep you from these worries about things that may not even be an issue. Just FYI, a court could order him to continue making payments for your health insurance. But you really need to talk with a family law attorney.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, iamthird, I'm sorry to hear he has decided to be so difficult and, frankly, harrassing!
As far as your boss is concerned, what is he going to say? 'She has cancer and couldn't accept my alcoholism! She's a bad wife!' If I were a boss and someone married to one of my employees came to me and said that--I'd probably have them hauled out of the building by security.
I wish I had some answers for you as far as your insurance is concerned. I realize that there may be nothing you can do if he does make a move on the car....but it sounds as though you will still have insurance for a while. I think consulting a family attorney would give you a great deal of peace of mind--and you need all the peace of mind you can get right now!
I hope you were able to get some rest last night!
As far as your boss is concerned, what is he going to say? 'She has cancer and couldn't accept my alcoholism! She's a bad wife!' If I were a boss and someone married to one of my employees came to me and said that--I'd probably have them hauled out of the building by security.
I wish I had some answers for you as far as your insurance is concerned. I realize that there may be nothing you can do if he does make a move on the car....but it sounds as though you will still have insurance for a while. I think consulting a family attorney would give you a great deal of peace of mind--and you need all the peace of mind you can get right now!
I hope you were able to get some rest last night!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Just tell your boss that in addition to undergoing cancer treatments, you are also dealing with threats from an unstable and irrational AH. That way you have warned your boss not to be sucked into whatever drama shows up in his or her email.
I am sorry. Your circumstances are difficult enough without all this BS.
I am sorry. Your circumstances are difficult enough without all this BS.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ok just breathe for a second.
First AH makes a lot of threats. Now he has you in a tizzy. Your health, your treatment, and your recovery from this disease is the most important thing there is. You can't control him.
I can't think of a worse thing, from a legal standpoint, than for your husband to threaten to cut off your insurance while you are battling stage 4 cancer much less do it (not thinking that its possible without canceling his own). His threats are very reckless he clearly has not consulted an attorney or if he has is not listening to them.
The courts can be very compassionate. It would be highly unlikely that any court wouldn't recognize letters from your Dr's about your current situation. You can't be in Court. What I could see is a temporary Order forcing your husband to continue paying for health insurance and giving you the car.
I know you are very tired. Would it be possible for you to do a phone consultation with an attorney? Wouldn't it be relieving to find out what your rights are as far as your insurance?
I will say prayers for you. ((((hugs))) Your ex is just mean and a bully.
First AH makes a lot of threats. Now he has you in a tizzy. Your health, your treatment, and your recovery from this disease is the most important thing there is. You can't control him.
I can't think of a worse thing, from a legal standpoint, than for your husband to threaten to cut off your insurance while you are battling stage 4 cancer much less do it (not thinking that its possible without canceling his own). His threats are very reckless he clearly has not consulted an attorney or if he has is not listening to them.
The courts can be very compassionate. It would be highly unlikely that any court wouldn't recognize letters from your Dr's about your current situation. You can't be in Court. What I could see is a temporary Order forcing your husband to continue paying for health insurance and giving you the car.
I know you are very tired. Would it be possible for you to do a phone consultation with an attorney? Wouldn't it be relieving to find out what your rights are as far as your insurance?
I will say prayers for you. ((((hugs))) Your ex is just mean and a bully.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Talking to a lawyer doesn't commit you to ANYTHING. You don't have to even be planning a divorce or separation to ask questions about certain "what-ifs". I have a feeling no lawyer is going to give you legal advice over the phone--the regulations on what needs to be signed and disclosed are pretty strict. But it's relatively easy to call and make an appointment for an hour, let's say. Ask what it would cost for a one-hour consultation. Chances are it would be a couple hundred dollars if all you wanted to do is to ask a few questions. You could write out your questions in advance so you don't waste your time. Seriously--this could be a wonderful investment in your own peace of mind. The lawyer would be able to tell you what he could or could not do, and how to protect yourself. If you explain your illness it could even be that the lawyer could come to your house and talk to you there. Please think about it. I believe it would put your mind at ease and remove some of the stress of worrying.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
I'll bet you could even ask around your friends and support network about lawyers they recommend. Bet it would be pretty easy to find friends too, who would be happy to spend an afternoon to go to treatment with you and help you make a call or two. I mean, if you knock, a door will open.
I'm amazed at the support that came to me when I needed it, and i . I have more appreciation than I can put into words!
I'm amazed at the support that came to me when I needed it, and i . I have more appreciation than I can put into words!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you this morning...
From your posts I get it that just getting up and going to work etc is really hard right now. Be kind to yourself, release anything that does not serve you for this day, or even this hour, and be at peace the best you can.
Hugs.
From your posts I get it that just getting up and going to work etc is really hard right now. Be kind to yourself, release anything that does not serve you for this day, or even this hour, and be at peace the best you can.
Hugs.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
You are in my prayers today, iamthird! I'm sorry that I have no magic advice or ideas on how to stop all of these shenanigans of his.
My ex-husband had an affair and divorced me. I understand that pain very well. I did not have the added stress of cancer treatment thrown on top of that.
I'm afraid if he does go through with all this, you may have to find a way to consult an attorney....but you don't have to do so right this moment, today.
Today, just get through any medical appointments you have, and take care of your own personal needs for the day (food, rest, dressing changes). Please take good care of yourself!
Sending many hugs and prayers!
My ex-husband had an affair and divorced me. I understand that pain very well. I did not have the added stress of cancer treatment thrown on top of that.
I'm afraid if he does go through with all this, you may have to find a way to consult an attorney....but you don't have to do so right this moment, today.
Today, just get through any medical appointments you have, and take care of your own personal needs for the day (food, rest, dressing changes). Please take good care of yourself!
Sending many hugs and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Good luck with your treatment, sorry you guys have clashed at this time, is there any middle ground you both can muddle through on ? it's so difficult for you and I bet his quilt is really off the scale, I bet that could push him into making matters worse. I think it should be all about you and your child right now and I think he needs to realise that he needs to stand in line , hopefully you'll have time to fight all this out later, but now is not the time.
Get talking and be strong he may not be the good husband!! but he could be the good father?
John.
Get talking and be strong he may not be the good husband!! but he could be the good father?
John.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Iamthird,
I hope you are feeling batter after your treatments.
I don't know where you are located but in most states any assets that are acquired during a marriage (car included) even if it is only in one spouse's name will belong to both in dividing assets.
Inasmuch as he "turning it back" it sounds like the car is upside down and more is owed than its worth and he is voluntarily surrendering to the lender. If that is the case them it is not really an asset at all and your making the payments while he gets the credit and you are paying down a loan in his name is something that he should be doing backflips about!
When you feel up to it consult a family law attorney... call around... a few do free consults but most charge a minimal fee. You would be better off letting him turn the car back screwing his credit and getting your own car and building your own credit. If you don't he will always quack about this car... if had real value it might be something worth pursuing and keeping but it sounds like it is not ...
I am guessing at some of the facts so my thoughts are just to help you a little in how you view your way out... and it sounds like you need a way out.
He sounds heartless and cruel... typical of the active alkie... keep standing up for yourself because you matter!
I hope you are feeling batter after your treatments.
I don't know where you are located but in most states any assets that are acquired during a marriage (car included) even if it is only in one spouse's name will belong to both in dividing assets.
Inasmuch as he "turning it back" it sounds like the car is upside down and more is owed than its worth and he is voluntarily surrendering to the lender. If that is the case them it is not really an asset at all and your making the payments while he gets the credit and you are paying down a loan in his name is something that he should be doing backflips about!
When you feel up to it consult a family law attorney... call around... a few do free consults but most charge a minimal fee. You would be better off letting him turn the car back screwing his credit and getting your own car and building your own credit. If you don't he will always quack about this car... if had real value it might be something worth pursuing and keeping but it sounds like it is not ...
I am guessing at some of the facts so my thoughts are just to help you a little in how you view your way out... and it sounds like you need a way out.
He sounds heartless and cruel... typical of the active alkie... keep standing up for yourself because you matter!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Honey, I do not believe he is going to remove you from the health inurance either. Why would he? If you two are legally married he would still be legally responsible for half the bills.
Any attorney would tell him, removing his wife from health insurance as she is going thru cancer treatment is not going to benefit him, talk about rocking the boat. A good judge would have a field day with his sorry azz.
Get yourself to an attorney, find out your legal rights. He can go blow smoke up somebody else's kazoo.
Hugs to you, my friend.
Any attorney would tell him, removing his wife from health insurance as she is going thru cancer treatment is not going to benefit him, talk about rocking the boat. A good judge would have a field day with his sorry azz.
Get yourself to an attorney, find out your legal rights. He can go blow smoke up somebody else's kazoo.
Hugs to you, my friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am in California.
I hate worrying about this stuff so literally I had to stop worrying. I literally turned to my higher power or I was going to lose it.
Just baffling how the same man who was cleaning my feeding tube and changing the dressings daily is the same man making these threats. How is it possible? I still am feeling beaten down but just keep trying to think of other things!
I have to get stronger. I have no choice, as a mother. I will not let him bully me anymore. I am prepared to face whatever he throws at me!
I hate worrying about this stuff so literally I had to stop worrying. I literally turned to my higher power or I was going to lose it.
Just baffling how the same man who was cleaning my feeding tube and changing the dressings daily is the same man making these threats. How is it possible? I still am feeling beaten down but just keep trying to think of other things!
I have to get stronger. I have no choice, as a mother. I will not let him bully me anymore. I am prepared to face whatever he throws at me!
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