Crazed

To all those that have found recovery through AA, I applaud you and mean no disrespect with this question. I am truly happy for you. I am asking this question to sincerely help me understand.

I have been told that I help keep my EXAG sick by enabling her. In the past I have helped clean up her messes. I have always been available to her, no matter how poorly she treats me. I provide her with a soft place to land, instead of allowing her to hit rock bottom.

How is this any different than AA? Her friends in AA picked her up from jail. They drive her to meetings. They drive her to get groceries. She lies and manipulates them, and tells them what they want to hear, yet they brush it off. She continues to go to meetings (for years) and continues to drink/relapse. Instead of closing the door to her destructive behavior, they welcome her again and again. She can cry, pick up a white chip, and all is good again... Until next time.

How is this any different than what any enabler does?

SparkleKitty

It doesn't sound like it is different -- except that it isn't your enabling, which is the only thing you can have any say in, sadly.

choublak

They picked her up from jail? That seems a bit much. Maybe the person who picked her up from jail was actually in there with her. Remember not everyone in AA is living a sober healthy lifestyle. But the veterans of the program are usually wise to that anyway.

bigsombrero

It's different...because you can't criticize AA. Much like religion, it's above reproach. We treat the AA community with kid gloves because it's the biggest and most recognizable option for all addicts, and to complain about its weak points comes across as bigoted.

That said, I think AA can be helpful. Your sister's AA folks, though, don't sound like they're helping her. Keep focusing on what YOU can do - you can only control your own actions. Perhaps not worrying about it is the best option for you, personally?

Crazed

Sponsor picked her up from jail last month when she got her DUI

choublak

Maybe the sponsor doesn't really know how else to help her.

Tuffgirl

They are fellow drunks, Crazed. What makes you think they are not working her with AA "magic" each time this happens? They can relate, you can't. They can identify with her woes, you can't. They speak her language, you don't. And they won't let her get away with crap like you will, believe me.

I don't see it as enabling at all, I see it as conditioning. And from what I've read, it is the same approach that Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob did many decades ago. It works for many, not at all for some, and each person has their own timeline.

m1k3

Remember, they are just people too.

I am in Al-anon to help me get better, whether my wife does or doesn't isn't my concern. Whether she has found someone else to con isn't my concern either. I simply need to focus on walking my own path to my recovery.

Your friend,

LexieCat

AAs have their limits, too, if they've been around the program long enough.

Most AAs will help another alcoholic long enough to determine whether he or she has a real desire to get sober. They will stop if they feel they are being taken advantage of. They will leave her to her own devices if she is manipulating.

Here's the difference: Being alcoholics themselves, they are far more attuned to WHEN someone is manipulating, and when someone is desperate enough to accept help. If an AA is helping someone who really wants to get sober, they are not enabling. If an AA continues to "rescue" someone over and over with no real commitment on that person's part, the AA will walk away until something changes.

Trust me, anyone who has been in AA for a while knows the danger of carrying the alcoholic instead of carrying the message.

Crazed

Thanks all. Lexie- makes sense. I have seen first hand my EXAGs commitment to AA meetings, literature, audiobooks, etc. I just haven't really seen a commitment to sobriety.

MsPINKAcres

((Crazed))

I too wondered if my now exAH's AA friends, sponsor and co-members could see what I saw when he relapsed and continued on his downward spiral ~
I couldn't believe they were falling for the lies, deciet, and manipulation
I talked with MY Al-Anon sponsor about these - She kindly reminded me to MYOB (my your own business) and that what happened between him and his recovery friends were between them not me.

SO, I did what I was told and as the program says "More will be revealed"

People found out what they needed to know, when they needed to know it and without any assistance of mine ~

Did they enable him for a while? not sure but I do know that each of them continued to reach out to someone fighting that downward spiral relapse that only they know how to help ~ sadly he wasn't able or open to or willing to accept their help ~ finally they had to just walk away

I hope you are able to maintain your focus on your own recovery and that somehow someday your ExAG finds her path to a healthier way of life

pink hugs

choublak

Maybe she's still trying to find sobriety but can't for whatever reason. It isn't your problem though.