GreenT

I have made my mind up that I am leaving AH (you may have seen my post). I am just waiting on the house from a family member to become fully available (will be by Summer) and I am gone.
I have said it to him and he doesn't believe me. He listened but didn't react when I said that I couldn't live like this and that I couldn't subject the kids to it anymore.
He is no longer angry when he drinks, he just drinks. He has been going to counselling now for about 6 months and is practising some of the techniques but still drinking IYKWIM. He says that this guy (counsellor) also says that he (DH) doesn't have a drink problem...but DH will freely acknowledge that he drinks too much...but he doesn't care ie. he knows he drinks too much and won't stop.
He was on anti-depressants from a psychiatrist he was seeing, but he hasn't been back to him since he started this local counselling and they have run out. He is terribly grumpy off them (when not drinking) but insists he doesn't need them.
I watched an interesting video clip from Oprah interview with an interventionist..it was amazing to be nodding my head almost all the way through.
Anyway, I have a few questions:
- Dh attends counselling and reads a lot of self help books, trys to better himself (online courses etc) and when I mentioned rehab he said no way. He didnt say "oh I am doing counselling already so no need" or anything, but he may have thought it. Should I push for rehab? I am worried that if I move out that he will love his new lifestyle and never give up drink. But then I suppose so what, eh? I am actually feeling really relaxed and excited knowing we are going to be away from his moods and his drinking.
- If I should push for rehab, should I stage an intervention with his BF and his mum closer to the time we are moving out?
- When I move out, should I stay linked with his family? His mum won't understand why I have left him and will likely try to convince me to take him back (so she won't have to tell her church friends) but she minds my kids...should I just remove myself from his family or keep everything as it is but just leave him physically (and emotionally) ? Also, I was planning on getting him to collect the kids from school as I work (and will def need to keep working now to pay all the bills) and also so he can see them. Bad plan? (i.e he sees them during the day and then can drink himself into a stupor if he wants alone at night - he only drinks at night, but its every night)
- I am hoping against hope that he will get help and stop drinking forever, how long would you give it before applying for Seperation?
- The MASSIVE problem with my DH is that there ARE no consequences. He drinks and is able to get up in the morning. The only bad things are that the kids can smell his breath (which I hate) and they will pick up that its ok to drink like that 2) that he has no relationship with me. he just sits in front of the computer at night drinking and won't talk to me...but then he never really has. I am strting to think that I am delusional and that the counsellors he is seeing /saw are right and that his drinking is normal and I am just being a harridan. 3) he can sometimes get up a bit late.
He doesn't drink our money, it doesn't affect his job and he is going for counselling....so am I being too harsh? I can't stand being near him when he is drinking..and when he isn't he is as bad,because he may as well be drinking...its like holding my breath for 2-3 weeks til he drinks again..so is it me? Maybe I just don't like my DH anymore and am just foscusing on the drink? (FWIW, I don't think so, becuase his latest thing is to drink after the counselling session up in a carpark (in car) and then come home and "only " have 3, or come home late from work...as he thinks maybe this will prevent me from pressing home the "kids seeing you drink" point..but he hasnt said that...or maybe he just hates me and wants to be away from me)
- When should I start telling people? Now? Wait til nearer the time? I have noone to talk to but will have to tell my sister as she was meant to move into this house me and kids will move into and now can't (as we will be living there)

Sorry for bombarding you. I have noone to talk to . I wanted to go to local al anon meeting tonight but DH has his counselling and my sister always works late on Wed so I have noone to minds the kids.

stella27

hi. Welcome.

I would not talk to him anymore about moving out and I wouldn't move out if you are doing it to teach him a lesson or give him a chance to improve hoping that he will stop drinking.

If you move out, it needs to be with the intention of and for the purposes of separating yourself and your children from living with an alcoholic.

I say this as an advocate for your children. I am in favor of STABILIZING their living situation, not de-stabilizing it and any move that keeps the possibility open of getting back together, keeping the dream alive, as it were, is unfair and disruptive.

They do not need to be subject to game-playing. Don't talk to people about what you are thinking about doing until you are actually doing it. Unless they are professionals. Otherwise you are just making threats and gossiping. I'm not saying you can't have friends to confide in, but moving out doesn't need a big announcement. People will figure it out and you will get a LOT of unwelcome and unnecessary chatter and advice if you make it a point to tell people what you are planning on doing.

So in my opinion, you should get your head on all the way straight (get a sitter! go to al-anon!) and decide how your children have the best chance of growing up stable and go from there.

Good luck to you.

LexieCat

"Pushing" for rehab won't do any good. He knows it's there, and he has rejected it. Interventions should not be attempted by family members. There are expert interventionists out there. Doing it the wrong way can cause more harm than good. If you have a cordial relationship with his family, there's no need to break contact with them unless they interfere with your own recovery. You know him better than we do. If you are convinced he won't drive with them in the car after drinking, or drink while they are in his care, you can see how that works out. If you are leaving him, it makes sense to do it now. It gets the legal machinery in place. In most places a separation will require him to make child support payments, and will also establish responsibility for other expenses (mortgage/rent, utilities, etc.)--especially important if the house, and those bills, are in your name as well. It will also protect you from financial obligations incurred by him without your input or agreement. If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem for you. A "diagnosis" for something is not a condition that has to be satisfied before you live the kind of life you want to have. He will have consequences sooner or later--do you really want to be around when they hit the fan? I wouldn't tell anyone you can't trust to keep it quiet until you have told him, and explained it to your kids. Once you've done that, then tell whomever you feel you can or should. You don't have to announce it to the world.

If I were you, before you talk to anyone else, I would get some legal advice on your rights and obligations. It doesn't commit you to anything, but you should be aware that the way you handle the details could have an effect on how a separation or divorce might impact your life and future. You don't want to be agreeing to anything that will put you in a bad position legally when you are eventually ready to file.