al-anon
 

I've made up my mind to go to al-anon for the first time tonight. One question though. Is it ok to bring your alcoholic to al anon? Not sure that I even want to because I'll feel like I can't say what I want but when I tell him I'm going I bet he will offer to go. Although he says AA doesn't work for him. He's weird. Any advice on what to expect would be appreciated!

I wouldn't bring him. Technically, he is allowed at an open meeting, but more Al-Anon meetings are closed than open. You might call and intentionally seek out one that is closed. A "closed" meeting is limited to people who are troubled by someone else's drinking.

I think bringing him--especially to your first meeting--would be uncomfortable for you, and potentially uncomfortable/inhibiting to other newcomers. He doesn't belong there.

Al anon is for YOU. It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself, in my experience. But I also think it should be your safe haven for you away from active alcoholism/addiction. I think others there also want and deserve such a haven. This isn't about HIM. IT's about YOU.

I have thought about taking my AD to an open meeting (when she wasnt in the middle of a binge) and sober, just so she can see how damaging an alcoholic's behavior is to friends and family, and also so that she can see that she is not the only person out there with this problem and that lots of other people and families are also going through similar experiences.

If its an open meeting you can both go and if you dont feel comfortable speaking with your alcoholic there, dont. But you should most definitely go to one alone too.

Agreeing w/those who say to go alone, at least some of the time. I think once you have attended a meeting or two, you will agree, and you will understand why the meetings are generally "closed" and for the friends and family members only.

Please be sure to post after you've attended the meeting and let us know how things went for you!

Go alone. AlAnon is for you. They usually recommend 6 meetings before you decide if it's right for you, so I would plan at least 6 by yourself. Just plan to go and don't make a big deal about it. If he mentions going, say "No thanks!" and leave. Once you've been going for awhile you may bring him IF it's an "open" meeting. But I think you will soon learn that you like having your own safe place to listen/talk/learn.

BTW - my sponsor advised me to attend some open AA meetings, but not the meeting my RABF goes to. She thought it best to respect that those are HIS meetings. I can go to a different open AA group meeting in order to learn from the people in those rooms.

No
 

No. Taking them to meetings because they want to go is codependent controlling on their part. Alcoholics don't like honesty, and they often try to keep their others from going to meetings, or going alone. He, simply, is not allowed at your meetings.

Taking them to meetings because you want them to go, or because you want to manipulate them by making them hear the damage other alcoholics have caused is codependent controlling on your part.

Either way it's BS. Your meetings are yours. His are his. Don't mix them. Maybe years into recovery this dynamic can change. You are light years from there right now.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Sort of funny.

Mrs. Hammer tended to be reluctant to go to my Al-Anon.

Even with years in AA, herself.

Guess she figured all the Al-Anon women would be judging her. Or something. Dunno.

Truth is, I have always had some strange pride in her, even at her worst.

Love (or co-de-ing) is funny that way.