Kateausten83

My life and my son's life have been so up and down in the months that I've been away from here. I finally had enough and filed for divorce. Then, my husband got his second DUI in our driveway. I had some other really traumatic events in my life that lead me to try to reconcile with my husband. He was put on an alcohol tether after a probation violation and life was truly wonderful. His business was doing well, our family was happy...but then he had to go to court for the probation violation. The judge was happy with his progress and decided to delay sentencing for a couple months to give him more time to succeed. But while we were waiting for his turn before the judge, we watched the judge revoke other people's probation for violating in the same way that my husband did, and he would sentence them to just a few days in jail. My husband got it in his head that this would be preferable to him, rather than paying fines and having to be on probation for two more years. So the day after he had a very successful court hearing, he chose to drink again. And then again the next day. So he had to go before the judge again. Obviously he was not happy and he sent my husband to jail for two weeks until his sentencing which was yesterday. My husband prepared a letter that he read to the judge. All my husband needed to say is that he wants to be sober and would humbly accept the court's help with accomplishing that goal. Instead he came across very flippant and made it clear that he didn't necessarily mind being in jail if it meant avoiding the "hassle" associated with probation, not to mention the cost. So the judge sentenced him to the remainder of his sentence, which puts him back in jail until April 30. In the meantime, his family and I are trying to run his business and take care of ourselves. My priority is and always was our son. I'm just totally lost. His probation was revoked after he gets out, so he's on his own. I don't know what else to do. My options seem to be running out. Financially I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him any further without jeopardizing my son and my own happiness any further.

LexieCat

Sorry to hear that--your husband is doing a pretty good job of messing up opportunities.

Are you in Al-Anon? If not, I would encourage you to get to some meetings. Use this time while he is in jail to get a jump on your own recovery. I know you feel lost right now, but things will become clearer as you work on your own issues. I know you have a business to run, and a child to take care of, but if his family is willing to help, it is essential that you take some time for yourself.

Kateausten83

I have been to al anon in the past. I don't know if it just wasn't the right group for me, or what. It just wasn't my thing. I suppose I need to try to find a new meeting. I know that I need help. I truly feel backed into a corner and that's not a good position to be in while trying to make decisions. Thank you for your reply.

redatlanta

Wow.....I am so sorry.

"I don't know how to help him any further without jeopardizing my son and my own happiness any further".

You probably already know you can't help him. He can only help himself, and in the mindless, illogical throws of his disease he chose the easy way out so he can drink again while putting his family in financial jeopardy to do so.

Its simply heartbreaking. He made his choice - now its time for you to make yours and protect yourself and your son.

((((HUGS)))

Kateausten83

I'm so afraid. I don't want to be without him but this is no way to live.

ShootingStar1

Kateausten, there is more strength deep in you than you can possibly imagine, even in the throes of this impossible heart wrenching situation.

You can do this, one step at a time. Just the next right step.

Do you have support, people and resources who can be there for you? Does the business have trusted advisors - a lawyer, an accountant, a Board or investors who can step up and partner with you? Do you have a church with a helpful pastor or congregation members who can help?

We're here for you and with you, keep posting

ShootingStar1

Kateausten83

Unfortunately it's a sole proprietorship but his parents are very involved and helpful. My family is supportive however I feel awful putting them through all the stress. I plan to reach out to our priest today and get some kind of help from that direction hopefully.

I have hope that this stay in jail will help my husband bottom out...because he's missing out on watching his son grow up. His recovery after jail is very scary for me. His probation has been revoked so I'm afraid of what will happen if he's not being held accountable in that way. He is the love of my life and I don't want to be without him again.

dancingnow

When my RAH was actively drinking it was a friend who said to me "your still depending on someone that can't be depended on" which made me finally realize that I had to focus on myself and do what was best for me and my children no matter what my H did at the time.

Once I took care of that thinking I am having a much more peaceful time deciding how the "love of my life" and I will spend our time together.

It's a tough journey and never ends. I still sometimes get caught up in 'if only" thinking and that doesn't help me at all.

(((HUGS))) to you. Keep the faith, keep taking care of you and your son. Don't let the disease keep you from the enjoyment of your son's childhood that is there despite all the responsibilities.

Kateausten83

That is very true. Very sad but true.

keepingmyjoy1

Hi Kate, I am so sorry for what you are going through. What speaks to me about what you have posted is that his thinking is already twisted as seen in how he handled his court appearance. He chose to drink and be flippant because he saw that as his way to get probation and all that over with. But...

Where were his thoughts of what the jail time would do to you, his son, and his family? to his business? He really chose this course of action because he perceived it was easier for HIM and just expected everyone, you, his parents, etc to just hold his business and his life together until he gets out?

I know how hard it is to be in your place, so I send you support and prayers. Do talk to your priest, it can be very helpful. Time for you to care for you and your son. Let him worry about his decisions and consequences.

Hang in there...just breathe and move forward to what is good for you. I love my husband very much too, but we are separated 7 months now....best thing for me and our son. I wish the best for you in whatever you decide is best in taking care of YOU and your son. Hugs.

dandylion

Dear Kate, you say that "I don't want to be without him"---but, my dear, it sounds like you are already without him. When the disease is running the show, the disease comes first--everyone else is second place. He is behaving in ways that are very typical of an alcoholic who is in denial of their disease. He is not likely to hit his "bottom" just because of the jail time. He sounds very confident that his enablers will be there to pick up the slack. This is a progressive disease and he is likely to get worse before he believes that alcohol is a problem. Denial is very strong and persistent.

If your son is a priority to you, you must take care of his mother. You have so much o n your shoulders--you are not superhuman!!

Please exercise the option that you do have--which has saved the lives of so many others. Please consider alanon--you will get support and understanding there. Also, the "Stickies" at the top of this page will help you to understand more. Read the stories of others on this forum who have been in your same shoes.

Stay around and keep posting as often as you need to. You DO have options--please don't believe that you don't.

sincerely, dandylion

Kateausten83

My goodness...it's amazing the support you find here. I have my moments where I feel so disgusted and bewildered by the whole situation that I just want to pack up and run away. Obviously that's not an option...but geez Key West sure is looking nice right now lol. Today was a better day. I made some decisions that will hopefully simplify my son's and my life. I put in a phone call to a counselor that will hopefully be able to help us develop a plan for all of our lives. I was medicated before (a low dose of Paxil and Xanax as needed) but I decided a couple months back to get off of them and I'm very proud of myself for handling all of this medication free! Small victories are what I'm all about