lettingonow

I am a very empathetic person. It gets me in trouble a lot.

What are good things for me to say when someone tells me of their troubles?

I am consiously avoiding trying to fix or advise them what they need to do.

What can one say to show that you do care but you can't do much more than that? It a toughie for me. I normally go all in or none at all.

~LG

Pelican

I'm sorry you are experiencing ___________. I know you will find a healthy solution.

bless5

"I'm sorry to hear that." And then be quiet.... Most times people just want to be heard and aren't really interested in us offering advise.

lettingonow

What about "If there is anything we can do, let us know?"

Is that on the codependant side?

~LG

Pelican

this statement conflicts with the following reply:

Why offer to do something if you can't?

If we are talking about an adult, it is okay to give them the opportunity to ask for assistance if needed.

lettingonow

I guess Im just not clear on what I should or shouldnt do. I can do a lot. Im trying to learn to "see" the difference. It's important to me to convey that I do deeply care and I wish I could help.

~LG

Neagrm

Learning active listening skills is a noble endeavor and a great gift to those around us. Bravo to you for not fixing and not advising.

The practice of letting go of our own inner thoughts/judgement/analysis about what the other is saying, requires intentional practice and self-awareness many people don't take time to do/don't know they need to work on it.

Becoming still inside and honoring the other's words and feelings makes it easier to do. Realizing our "monkey" minds never stop doing what our brains do and it's a higher cognitive decision to over-ride the knee-jerk tendency to fix/advise will also help us be good listeners. It takes very little time to stop and THINK before leaping to "help." And it's the most helpful thing we can do for another.

We all need to be truly heard before we can heal. Sometimes - most times - that's all it takes to heal our own wounds. To have a compassionate witness standing beside us; someone to ask clarifying questions as we sort through our thoughts; someone to mirror back to us what they hear/the meaning behind our words, is the most wonderful gift.

Paraphrase or reflect their thoughts/feelings back to them. To be a mirror, statements like, "It sounds like You're feeling/thinking...." "What I hear you saying is .... Is that what you meant?" "Could you tell me more about that?" "How are you feeling about that?" "I'd like to hear more about...."

When they seem ready or want further exploration I'll sometimes ask things like, "I wonder about ...." "I'd like to hear more about ..., or, What brought you to ..., or, How was it you came to that decision/thought/whatever?" "I'm not sure I'm clear about ...."

If they specifically ask for advise or strategies, one thing I can say is, "Would you like to hear about how some other people dealt with something similar?" or, "I've heard others in similar circumstances say...." or, "Have you thought about ....?"

Stop and wait for them to respond. I've often simply asked open-ended questions, like those above, of people who've come to me with something on their mind. They pour out what's on their hearts. Then they thank me enthusiastically as they go away very much relieved! I've hardly said a word, lol. But I was actively engaged in listening to them with openness and compassion, eliminating any judgement and evaluation.

I wish I'd learned long ago about what I've written above. I hope some of it is helpful. Good luck! :-)

lettingonow

Everything you just said is awesome Neagram and Im going to try all of it, thank you

skella99

One thing I really really appreciated from a couple of my coworkers the other day, was this: they followed up.

We go walking every day during break and one day I just had a gripe session about my troubled AD. It was a bad day, she was having a crisis and I was just trying to deal with it, while at work. It eventually resolved itself, and all they really did was listen to me.

A couple of days went by and we during one of our walks, 2 of the women, at separate times, pulled me aside and just asked me quietly how my daughter was doing. And though she isn't doing much better, it sure meant alot that they cared enough to think to follow up and ask.

fluffyflea

There is a situation with someone in my life who has been on the same relationship merry go round for years. The situation is escalating but they seem frozen to do anything about it. I was feeling guilty for not offering assistance like a place to stay for a bit, but then I realized as they flip flop back and forth from one day to the next that the healthiest thing I can do for me and them is simply let them flip flop and not get involved in any way. I will just be dragged along,stressed and used basically until they feel alright again and go right back into it. Sometimes people need to drop but if we get too involved it doesn't happen.

lettingonow

Earthworm I'm in that phase too with some of of my qualifiers watching them flip flop. Some of those flops include them blaming me and doing whatever they can to provoke me into fighting with them. It is VERY challenging to decline this invitation because I'm really pissed off at them. I feel guilty too which kind of amazes me be she they caused all this trouble with their lies and partying at any cost. I hope that you are doing okay and I can relate to what your are feeling. You are not alone!

ZenMe

You really can't help people when they aren't willing to help themselves. If you do help there can be so many different dynamics, this is where I think healthy boundaries are crucial.

Some people do appreciate being seen, heard and understood. However...some people are just going to dump all their negative feelings on you. They aren't really looking for help, more of a dump truck to take their emotional negativity for the week. Watch out for these, these are the people that if we become enmeshed with, drain us and keep us from taking care of ourselves.

lettingonow

I think Zen that you are exactly right 👍

BtheChange

The link below is to an article about what to do "when someone appeals to you for empathy but you do not authentically agree."

Most of us have been in that situation with our alcoholic friends or spouses, i.e., their behavior/choices caused this trouble, how do I show them empathy but not prevent them from experiencing the true consequences of their own actions?

The article refines the understanding of the way that codependence and empathy can be similar responses to another's anxiety--why helping feels good but how it can also get us in trouble:

Are You Addicted to Empathy? | Psychology Today

lettingonow

Very cool thank you I will definitely be using those examples. One of my qualifiers is trying to get me to go along with her wanting to fire a nurse who she called a ****** at the hospital for trying to "kill" her. I honestly haven't even known what to say and am really upset and don't want to hear about her deluded fantasy. I did put my foot down and said I don't want to hear about it but I have a feeling it will come up again as I am struggling to be patient and not end up calling her a sick racist drug addict. Obviously this would make the upcoming holidays uncomfortable. I hope I can control myself I feel very offended and fed up with her behavior.

fluffyflea

Another thing I have learned to do is when someone is telling me of a problem to say to them "What would you say to me if I had this problem"? Sometimes it,s helpful for someone to hear themselves say their own advice.

NYCDoglvr

I went through the same thing. I had to learn to stop giving unsolicited advice (it's actually a rude thing to do and most people don't want it). I learned that sometimes people just talk on and on. I learned how to excuse myself and leave (any excuse will do). Just kept working on these things and it gets easier.