New to forum, but issue as old as the hills
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
New to forum, but issue as old as the hills
Hi all, I am new to the forum. Came across it by googling "detaching with love".
The post I am about to write, well, I would have written it 3, 5, even 10 years ago.
My AH was drinking when I met him. In fact, that is how we met. I was working in a bar while I was a student, and he used to drink himself stupid every night on the other side of the counter.
I am a member of a mum's forum also, and I posted in the relationship section about AH; and then I posted recently about him and thought to read back over my old posts...well, there it was in black and white- a post from 2 years ago which was almost word for word what I had just posted.
NOTHING had changed except I was two years older and had subjected the kids to 2 more years of this nonsense.
AH was out the other night and I saw how calm it could be, because I knew the kids would all be asleep by the time he got home. He isn't violent, he is just verbally and emotionally abusive.
The problem is that he drinks at home every single night of the week. He will have 6 pints of beer a night (3 litres). He can function next day..can be a bit late getting up but never really has had to face any consequences for his drinking and so thinks he is A-ok.
I have tried all the tactics, and I am sure you are all smirking here!!! ...in fact I am smiling myself at my own foolishness. But somewhere deep down, I would love that magic wand.
I think this is the first time I have ever written anything about Ah that wasn't 100% about him and his actions.
I don't think he will ever change. He has no reason to. We have 5 kids - all very young and I can no longer subject them to this lifestyle and this family life. I have told him that I moving to a house that a family member will have vacant in a few months. He doesn't believe me. I don't believe myself TBH. I am writing it down and repeating it because to verbalise it makes it a promise to myself and my kids to make it so.
AH- I don't hate you, I actually think that you are a really lovely man. A kind man, who loves his kids more than anything. For a while I was worried that you were having an affair (his latest trick is to drink on the way home from work and arrive in having had who know how many beers, so the bin looks more empty at home...its all optics!), but I realise that your only mistress is alcohol. In fact, you are her slave. I love you, but I have to leave.
The post I am about to write, well, I would have written it 3, 5, even 10 years ago.
My AH was drinking when I met him. In fact, that is how we met. I was working in a bar while I was a student, and he used to drink himself stupid every night on the other side of the counter.
I am a member of a mum's forum also, and I posted in the relationship section about AH; and then I posted recently about him and thought to read back over my old posts...well, there it was in black and white- a post from 2 years ago which was almost word for word what I had just posted.
NOTHING had changed except I was two years older and had subjected the kids to 2 more years of this nonsense.
AH was out the other night and I saw how calm it could be, because I knew the kids would all be asleep by the time he got home. He isn't violent, he is just verbally and emotionally abusive.
The problem is that he drinks at home every single night of the week. He will have 6 pints of beer a night (3 litres). He can function next day..can be a bit late getting up but never really has had to face any consequences for his drinking and so thinks he is A-ok.
I have tried all the tactics, and I am sure you are all smirking here!!! ...in fact I am smiling myself at my own foolishness. But somewhere deep down, I would love that magic wand.
I think this is the first time I have ever written anything about Ah that wasn't 100% about him and his actions.
I don't think he will ever change. He has no reason to. We have 5 kids - all very young and I can no longer subject them to this lifestyle and this family life. I have told him that I moving to a house that a family member will have vacant in a few months. He doesn't believe me. I don't believe myself TBH. I am writing it down and repeating it because to verbalise it makes it a promise to myself and my kids to make it so.
AH- I don't hate you, I actually think that you are a really lovely man. A kind man, who loves his kids more than anything. For a while I was worried that you were having an affair (his latest trick is to drink on the way home from work and arrive in having had who know how many beers, so the bin looks more empty at home...its all optics!), but I realise that your only mistress is alcohol. In fact, you are her slave. I love you, but I have to leave.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
Yup, every one of us has been in your shoes. Not exactly the same ones, but ones that are close enough to recognize.
It's very, very hard to do what you are doing, but it looks as if you have come to the same hard truth many of us have: our loved ones are not ready to recover, and we can no longer live with the insanity.
I hope you will also try Al-Anon meetings. They were a lifeline for me when I was living with my second husband, who had gone back to drinking after almost dying of it. He was a good man, too. But I could no longer sit by and watch him drink himself to death.
There were some difficult moments, but I have never doubted that I made the right decision for me. It's almost fifteen years later, and so far as I know he is still drinking--I'm quite amazed he is still alive, but all I can say is I'm glad I didn't spend another fifteen years waiting for him to see the light.
Yup, every one of us has been in your shoes. Not exactly the same ones, but ones that are close enough to recognize.
It's very, very hard to do what you are doing, but it looks as if you have come to the same hard truth many of us have: our loved ones are not ready to recover, and we can no longer live with the insanity.
I hope you will also try Al-Anon meetings. They were a lifeline for me when I was living with my second husband, who had gone back to drinking after almost dying of it. He was a good man, too. But I could no longer sit by and watch him drink himself to death.
There were some difficult moments, but I have never doubted that I made the right decision for me. It's almost fifteen years later, and so far as I know he is still drinking--I'm quite amazed he is still alive, but all I can say is I'm glad I didn't spend another fifteen years waiting for him to see the light.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Welcome GreenT. I could have written everything you wrote. I left 3 times. The 3rd time, this time, I am still gone. I never thought things would get as bad as they were. Don't be like me and lose more years in the alcoholic vortex. Take your lovely children and yourself to that house--no matter how hard it seems at the time. I am here to tell you that the peace and happiness of a calm and loving home with your children outweighs all of it.
I used the same name...mistress...and that is what it is.
At the same time, until you move, I really would suggest alanon. I am not able to attend a lot of the meetings, but I participate on line as often as I can. Read the stickies at the top of the forum posts. There is such wisdom there.
Just know that many of us have walked in your shoes and you are not alone. You would not believe the things I have posted about and cried and ranted and raved about. This is a really caring group of people and you will be so glad, as I was, to have found this forum. Baby steps...just keep moving forward. You can do this!
I used the same name...mistress...and that is what it is.
At the same time, until you move, I really would suggest alanon. I am not able to attend a lot of the meetings, but I participate on line as often as I can. Read the stickies at the top of the forum posts. There is such wisdom there.
Just know that many of us have walked in your shoes and you are not alone. You would not believe the things I have posted about and cried and ranted and raved about. This is a really caring group of people and you will be so glad, as I was, to have found this forum. Baby steps...just keep moving forward. You can do this!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We are here to support you.
I can relate to your situation. I also thought my AH was a lovely man. He also made it to work everyday.
I guess most alcoholic men have mastered the art of charming, friendly and enjoyable. Otherwise, they wouldn't have women taking care of their everyday needs. I sure got hooked to mine. I wanted to help him have a lovely home life. He wanted a nice place to drink.
Alcoholism is progressive, and it gets worse if untreated. My AH began to fly off the handle when things didn't happen the way he expected in our home. He began to use a lot of sarcasm toward me and the children. He even began to throw objects.
I finally realized that I wanted a better life for myself and my children. I didn't want to live in a house where I was always trying to make everything okay for the other adult in the relationship.
I also realized that I was modeling an unhealthy relationship for my children.
When I left, I wanted my children to understand that we don't have to live with verbal abuse, disrespect and lies. We have the right to remove ourself from unhealthy relationships.
I didn't want my son to treat his future relationship partners the way my husband treated me.
I didn't want my daughter to accept the unacceptable treatment I was accepting in her future relationships.
I think you are a smart lady to figure out how important it is to remove your children and yourself from the verbal and emotional abuse.
I am sending encouragement and support!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We are here to support you.
I can relate to your situation. I also thought my AH was a lovely man. He also made it to work everyday.
I guess most alcoholic men have mastered the art of charming, friendly and enjoyable. Otherwise, they wouldn't have women taking care of their everyday needs. I sure got hooked to mine. I wanted to help him have a lovely home life. He wanted a nice place to drink.
Alcoholism is progressive, and it gets worse if untreated. My AH began to fly off the handle when things didn't happen the way he expected in our home. He began to use a lot of sarcasm toward me and the children. He even began to throw objects.
I finally realized that I wanted a better life for myself and my children. I didn't want to live in a house where I was always trying to make everything okay for the other adult in the relationship.
I also realized that I was modeling an unhealthy relationship for my children.
When I left, I wanted my children to understand that we don't have to live with verbal abuse, disrespect and lies. We have the right to remove ourself from unhealthy relationships.
I didn't want my son to treat his future relationship partners the way my husband treated me.
I didn't want my daughter to accept the unacceptable treatment I was accepting in her future relationships.
I think you are a smart lady to figure out how important it is to remove your children and yourself from the verbal and emotional abuse.
I am sending encouragement and support!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Green, now is the time for you to build your strength and a foundation for yourself. The more you plan for the move, the easier it will be for you. Alanon would be a wonderful place for you to begin this proccess. It is best to make the move when you are emotionally and financially able to make it work. You will want that move to be as smooth as possible for the children--and not have to come running back! Get all the support you can during this "window of opportunity".You say that he is "JUST" emotionally and verbally abusive. That, alone, is enough to damage children. I am glad you are able to recognize this. It is best for them to be in the presence of one stable and loving parent in a predictable and peaceful atmosphere.
I am glad that you came here for help and support.
very sincerely, dandylion
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