holding onto my truth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
holding onto my truth
As some of you know, I pressed charges against my exah for repeatedly violating a personal protection order from his jail cell. He's charged with aggravated stalking...a five year felony.
The preliminary exam has been adjourned twice now. The first tiime it was adjourned so he could hire an attorney. The second time it was up, he showed up without a lawyer and asked for a court appointed lawyer so it was set for a third time.
My anxiety level has been pretty high. The idea of having to see him...and having to take the stand and testify against him...weighs heavily on me. On one hand, I can't believe it's come to this. On the other hand, it makes perfect sense. I've tried to break things off with my exah many times. He NEVER respected my boundaries. He would keep coming at me with all kinds of promises. He is a master manipulator. He exploited my compassion and love for him many times over and eventually he would wear me down. It would happen inch by inch...and before I knew it, I was wrapped back up into his insanity. Given our history, it makes perfect sense that it has taken a jail cell and an order of protection to insulate me from his manipulations and madness.
And yet, when I kicked him out of my house a year ago, I really was done. I really didn't want anythign more to do with him. Yet he kept showing back up....And each time he showed up on my doorstep, he was just a little more psychotic and he scared me just a little bit more.
By October, I was an absolute nervous wreck and I broke down and obtained the Order. And yet he's continued to stalk me even though he's been in jail for a very serious offense (he broke into an unnammed firehall about 3 hours north of me, and stole a huge abulance with a trailer and rescue boat attached but only after driving right thru the bay doors of the firehall).
Despite all of this...despite all of this insanity...I struggle with doubt. Did I really need to drag the police into it and have another felony charge thrown on top of the one he's already facing? Am I just piling on? Am I so weak and pathetic that I can't break free from his controlling, manipulating and increasingly psychotic behavior on my own without the intervention of the courts and police?
Even as I type my doubts, I see how irrational they are. I'm beginning to really see how manipulated and controlled and emotionally abused I was at the hands of this man.
In order to keep moving forward, I have to hold onto my truth...which is....
1. I was a good, loving wife and I'm a good, decent, caring person.
2. I did my best to deal with a very difficult situation.
3. I am a good mom. I made mistakes. Alot of mistakes. But I'm doing what I need to do to keep my son and I safe from my exah's insanity.
4. When I knew better (thanks to al anon and a great sponsor), I did better.
5. I'm doing better now.
6. People in my life who judge me haven't walked a mile in my shoes and their judgments should mean nothing. I shouldn't let them hurt my feelings as they have over the last couple of weeks. They weren't there when my exah was banging on my door...trying to climb through my window, scaring my son and I with psychotic talk about how he can talk to dead people, how he is jesus christ and how he can see the future. Unless and until they've walked in my shoes, their opinion should mean nothing. I need to stop giving them so much power over my emotions and thoughts.
7. I'm going to be okay. I'm taking my life back one step at a time.
8. I need to show myself the same compassion and love that I've been so quick to bestow upon my exah...the very man who tormented and scared me.
9. I know my exah is a sick man and I want to move forward with forgiveness and not bitterness or anger. I will continue to pray for his recovery but I will NEVER sacrifice my own wellbeing to help him ever again.
10. I am not resonsible for what he does or the consequences he has to pay for the choices he has made in this lifetime.
If I can remember these 10 simple truths, I will be okay. I will get through this prosecution with my head held high.
Thanks for letting me get these ideas down. Maybe now they will stop rolling around in my head!
The preliminary exam has been adjourned twice now. The first tiime it was adjourned so he could hire an attorney. The second time it was up, he showed up without a lawyer and asked for a court appointed lawyer so it was set for a third time.
My anxiety level has been pretty high. The idea of having to see him...and having to take the stand and testify against him...weighs heavily on me. On one hand, I can't believe it's come to this. On the other hand, it makes perfect sense. I've tried to break things off with my exah many times. He NEVER respected my boundaries. He would keep coming at me with all kinds of promises. He is a master manipulator. He exploited my compassion and love for him many times over and eventually he would wear me down. It would happen inch by inch...and before I knew it, I was wrapped back up into his insanity. Given our history, it makes perfect sense that it has taken a jail cell and an order of protection to insulate me from his manipulations and madness.
And yet, when I kicked him out of my house a year ago, I really was done. I really didn't want anythign more to do with him. Yet he kept showing back up....And each time he showed up on my doorstep, he was just a little more psychotic and he scared me just a little bit more.
By October, I was an absolute nervous wreck and I broke down and obtained the Order. And yet he's continued to stalk me even though he's been in jail for a very serious offense (he broke into an unnammed firehall about 3 hours north of me, and stole a huge abulance with a trailer and rescue boat attached but only after driving right thru the bay doors of the firehall).
Despite all of this...despite all of this insanity...I struggle with doubt. Did I really need to drag the police into it and have another felony charge thrown on top of the one he's already facing? Am I just piling on? Am I so weak and pathetic that I can't break free from his controlling, manipulating and increasingly psychotic behavior on my own without the intervention of the courts and police?
Even as I type my doubts, I see how irrational they are. I'm beginning to really see how manipulated and controlled and emotionally abused I was at the hands of this man.
In order to keep moving forward, I have to hold onto my truth...which is....
1. I was a good, loving wife and I'm a good, decent, caring person.
2. I did my best to deal with a very difficult situation.
3. I am a good mom. I made mistakes. Alot of mistakes. But I'm doing what I need to do to keep my son and I safe from my exah's insanity.
4. When I knew better (thanks to al anon and a great sponsor), I did better.
5. I'm doing better now.
6. People in my life who judge me haven't walked a mile in my shoes and their judgments should mean nothing. I shouldn't let them hurt my feelings as they have over the last couple of weeks. They weren't there when my exah was banging on my door...trying to climb through my window, scaring my son and I with psychotic talk about how he can talk to dead people, how he is jesus christ and how he can see the future. Unless and until they've walked in my shoes, their opinion should mean nothing. I need to stop giving them so much power over my emotions and thoughts.
7. I'm going to be okay. I'm taking my life back one step at a time.
8. I need to show myself the same compassion and love that I've been so quick to bestow upon my exah...the very man who tormented and scared me.
9. I know my exah is a sick man and I want to move forward with forgiveness and not bitterness or anger. I will continue to pray for his recovery but I will NEVER sacrifice my own wellbeing to help him ever again.
10. I am not resonsible for what he does or the consequences he has to pay for the choices he has made in this lifetime.
If I can remember these 10 simple truths, I will be okay. I will get through this prosecution with my head held high.
Thanks for letting me get these ideas down. Maybe now they will stop rolling around in my head!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
You most definitely did the right thing & the doubts are just a symptom of everything you've been through. One day they will lesson.
I think you are doing amazing.
Keep up the "I" statements, repeat them often & believe in yourself.
Hugs.
I think you are doing amazing.
Keep up the "I" statements, repeat them often & believe in yourself.
Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I, for one, think you have done AWESOMELY. Stay strong. If the crazies start stirring up in your brain, talk to us.
You MUST do this. It is clear you cannot give him one inch. He is out of control, and potentially dangerous to you and to others.
Hugs,
You MUST do this. It is clear you cannot give him one inch. He is out of control, and potentially dangerous to you and to others.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Outonalimb, it is very very hard to gain and keep perspective when your partner has brainwashed you into believing you are inferior and lacking, and then intimidated and terrified you beyond that.
I have been in a similar place, and the insights I get are strong at some points, and then, with further provocation, they start to tremble and I start to slide into believing AH again.
Keep that in the front of your mind: he is not normal; his behavior is not normal; his thinking is abnormal, and he cannot be allowed to impose his view of reality on you.
I think your list is fabulous. Only one change. I'd put #10 at the top of the list:
10. I am not responsible for what he does or the consequences he has to pay for the choices he has made in this lifetime.
The rest of your list is about you and what you are learning and how to validate your own being and your own behavior.
I think you can pay a lot more attention to really comprehending how extremely far from normal your AH's behavior is. Get out from under the yoke of seeing life from his perspective. It is freeing, and for me, hard to keep hold of, but so worth it.
I've been dipping into a book by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. called The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, and you might find it helpful, too, if you haven't come across it so far. Some of the stuff it says seemed to open up a new kind of understanding for me.
"... adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own betrayal experiences. Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you, is a form of insanity...
Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror... You never feel safe. You're always on full-alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In that state of readiness, you're unaware that part of you has died. You are grieving. Yet you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. You abandon yourself.
But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing - convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater risk. These attachments are called betrayal bonds...
Betrayal bonding (including family and marital systems, domestic violence...) have in common situations of incredible intensity, or importance, or both. They all involve exploitation of trust, power, or both. They all can result in a bond with a person who is dangerous and exploitive.
Now here is the important part: YOU WILL NEVER MEND THE WOUND WITHOUT DEALING WITH THE BETRAYAL BOND."
And the rest of the book discusses how to deal with this.
Maybe this doesn't fit, but maybe it does. It gives me insight into why I am so tempted to fall back under the spell, and hope and belief that I am step by step transcending this model of behavior, and getting healthier. With you all the way,
ShootingStar1
I have been in a similar place, and the insights I get are strong at some points, and then, with further provocation, they start to tremble and I start to slide into believing AH again.
Keep that in the front of your mind: he is not normal; his behavior is not normal; his thinking is abnormal, and he cannot be allowed to impose his view of reality on you.
I think your list is fabulous. Only one change. I'd put #10 at the top of the list:
10. I am not responsible for what he does or the consequences he has to pay for the choices he has made in this lifetime.
The rest of your list is about you and what you are learning and how to validate your own being and your own behavior.
I think you can pay a lot more attention to really comprehending how extremely far from normal your AH's behavior is. Get out from under the yoke of seeing life from his perspective. It is freeing, and for me, hard to keep hold of, but so worth it.
I've been dipping into a book by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. called The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, and you might find it helpful, too, if you haven't come across it so far. Some of the stuff it says seemed to open up a new kind of understanding for me.
"... adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own betrayal experiences. Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you, is a form of insanity...
Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror... You never feel safe. You're always on full-alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In that state of readiness, you're unaware that part of you has died. You are grieving. Yet you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. You abandon yourself.
But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you. You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing - convert them into non-abusers. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater risk. These attachments are called betrayal bonds...
Betrayal bonding (including family and marital systems, domestic violence...) have in common situations of incredible intensity, or importance, or both. They all involve exploitation of trust, power, or both. They all can result in a bond with a person who is dangerous and exploitive.
Now here is the important part: YOU WILL NEVER MEND THE WOUND WITHOUT DEALING WITH THE BETRAYAL BOND."
And the rest of the book discusses how to deal with this.
Maybe this doesn't fit, but maybe it does. It gives me insight into why I am so tempted to fall back under the spell, and hope and belief that I am step by step transcending this model of behavior, and getting healthier. With you all the way,
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
A big heart-felt thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement.
Well...turns out the jack@@@ is demanding a preliminary exam. I have to testify on Thursday. Now I'm pissed. Really, really pissed. I don't know how I could have expected anything less from this sorry excuse for a human being. I'm taking my power back. I'm DONE worrying about whether I did the right thing. I"m done worrying how he is doing. Right now, the ONLY thing I care about is doing what it takes to protect myself and our son from his erratic and psychotic behavior.
I just need to stay mad. I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Huge hugs to all of you. Thank you for being here for me. IT means so much!!
Well...turns out the jack@@@ is demanding a preliminary exam. I have to testify on Thursday. Now I'm pissed. Really, really pissed. I don't know how I could have expected anything less from this sorry excuse for a human being. I'm taking my power back. I'm DONE worrying about whether I did the right thing. I"m done worrying how he is doing. Right now, the ONLY thing I care about is doing what it takes to protect myself and our son from his erratic and psychotic behavior.
I just need to stay mad. I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Huge hugs to all of you. Thank you for being here for me. IT means so much!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Whatta maroon. I wonder whose idea that was--his or his lawyer's?
Just a tip--give the prosecutor a call and ask what questions he or she will be asking you. Sometimes with a stalking case they will want to go into prior history. It just might help if you have an idea what will be covered so you won't be taken by surprise on the stand.
You will do just fine. Yes, a little anger can help power you through this.
Just a tip--give the prosecutor a call and ask what questions he or she will be asking you. Sometimes with a stalking case they will want to go into prior history. It just might help if you have an idea what will be covered so you won't be taken by surprise on the stand.
You will do just fine. Yes, a little anger can help power you through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
YES! STAY mad! You have every right to be. I always told my dad growing up that I needed to be mad to play a decent round of soccer. He always said he could keep me in a closet, kick me in the shins here and there, and feed me some raw meat if it would help 
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