skella99

Im so frustrated with my mom. Im dealing with an adult AD. She was JUST taken into custody by federal marshals and for some crazy reason, charges were dropped.

I went to the hearing and the attorney gave me her property, including her phone. Now, she does not work and has never held a job. She only has this phone because my mom, her grandmother, pays for it.

She lives with me and I am on the verge of kicking her out and have asked my mom to give her an ultimatum with the phone and condition continued payment based on her sobriety. My mom refuses (by inaction) to do this. I understand it is her choice, but to me it is enabling behavior.

My mom says she only does it because she worries about her being on the streets, yet when my daughter calls her, she doesnt answer the phone and she never responds to her. It is me and my sisters who get the frantic, crisis calls.

I took a picture of a text where my daughter is asking a friend to bring her cocaine. I sent it to my mom and showed her what she is doing with the product she buys for her and told my mom I thought she needed to know that she is enabling her.

She said nothing but okay. and hangs up on me.

Now, I understand my mom has a right to do this, but it is so frustrating for me because she (my mom) takes no responsibility in any of this. IN fact, when my daughter calls HER, my mom calls me asking for me to do her "dirty work" - which is to tell my AD she cant stay there or she wont talk to her.

Im just so frustrated that she is not on the same page with me on this. I think it would help, but maybe I'm expecting too much?

I was just wondering what everyone else thought or has anyone experienced this kind of family dynamic where some are enablers, while others are trying to force the alcoholic into either getting help or hitting bottom on their own without bringing everyone around them down with them.

I also hate that everyone seems to look to me as if I can "save" her. And I cant. Ive tried. Obviously its not working.

redatlanta

It does happen I have read it on here before.

You are right you cannot control your Mom, and guess what? She can't control YOU. Throw the phone in the trash. Stop taking her calls. Stop letting AD live with you. In fact pack her stuff and drop it off at Grandma's house since she is so concerned about AD.

You say you are on the "verge" of kicking her out - what more reason do you need? She is ruining your life and every other person who lives there. Perhaps read the threads by hopefulmomtoD - she just went through a similar experience with her son.

Sorry this is happening to you but you can put a stop to how it affects you.

Hanna

Your Mom might be enabling but your behavior is classic codependence in my opinion.

Our own recovery requires that we focus on our own behavior and stop trying to manipulate outcomes for our loved ones.

You can't control your Mom nor your Daughter.

Hugs and prayers, this is a difficult lesson to learn.

Hanna

skella99

My mom will not let her live with her. My mom is fine with paying for the phone and then letting everyone else deal with the drunken phone calls.

I am going to tell her exactly what you said, "She is ruining my life and every other person who lives here." No more. It is time for her to go.

I usually kick her out when she is in the middle of a binge, only to let her back when she is sober and when I am filled with hope. But her texts and messages to her friends are going on while she is sober. She has no intention of stopping. Im so sick.

Hanna

PS: I don't agree with the idea to destroy or discard anyone else's property. I understand the suggestion but it's just not, in my opinion, an ethical thing to do in most circumstances.

skella99

Hanna, I agree, and that is why I havent done it. It is my AD's property, a gift from her grandmother. My mom has told me to take it from her or throw it as well, but I've told her by MY doing that does not reinforce the fact that SHE too is in agreement that she will no longer support my daughter's behavior.

Also, if my AD wanted to, she could call the police and have charges filed against me, which she would not hesitate to do, especially in a state of drunkenness.

But you are also right in that I am trying to control my mom's behavior. It's just frustrating to watch her be the "savior" while I have to set the cold hard boundaries constantly. It's been a huge burden and none of my family really understands what Ive been trying to do. Instead, they look at me as if I am the cruel uncaring mom who doesnt want to help her child.

And its even worse because everyone seems to ignore the fact that I have 3 other children at home who are living this nightmare with me. They only hear or see it on occasion. We've seen the worst of it and more of it. its not fair to any of us.

skella99

MY AD was just released from the Marshals. She called me, bc she doesnt have a ride or a phone. I have plans to play indoor soccer at 5:30 and told her that. Im not rushing to her aide. Im going to do what I want and go play soccer.

She chose this life, I didnt right?

LifeRecovery

Once I had a handle on what an enabler I was, the enabling action of others made me even more crazy then the DOC use.

I had to use the Three Cs to help with both.
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it. This is both for addiction and co-addiction

Also it helped me when I remember how much in denial I was, for a very long time. The others in my exAH life were just in a different part of the journey than I was.

Finally I came to realize that my focus on the "codependency" around me was another way for me to not have to face my own co-dependent behaviors, and most importantly to feel my own feelings.

LexieCat

I agree with Hanna. It's not your place to destroy the phone. You may not like what your mom is doing, but that is between her and your daughter. If you don't want the drunken phone calls from her, stop taking them. Put a block on your phone. Even though I wouldn't care to have her using the phone to make drug deals, I do understand the concern that she be able to call 911 if necessary. If mom wants to pay for that, none of your concern. In fact, you might want to let your mom know that some providers will block all outgoing/incoming calls except for certain numbers. Beyond that, I think it's their business.

miamifella

The obvious which is not being stated is that you should not take her back in. Kick her out and set a goal such as being sober and clean for two months before taking her back in. You can meet each sunday for lunch to see if she is sticking to it. If she misses her date with you the count goes back to zero.

You are asking for your mother to be responsible in a way that you are not. Letting her live with you when she is not keeping clean is even worse than paying for a phone.

Hanna

I have lots of empathy for you Skella. My Father's continued enabling of my brother was a source of much pain and frustration for me and caused so much difficulty in our relationship. Dad refused to go to Al-Anon or get any kind of help. I felt like if he had stopped sooner things might not have gotten as bad as they did, but I've mostly let that idea go now.

What stinks is when other people enable then expect you to deal with the fallout. Your mom likely wants you to be the one take the phone away instead of cancelling the contract because she can't bear it. Like it's so easy for you, right?

As for the people that don't get it... well we absolutely get it. So please come here when you need understanding and try to let go of expecting it from others. Like they say here, "Other people's opinion of you is none of your business."

It is so difficult to remove the cushion from under the seat of our addicted loved ones, but it is necessary and in the best interest of her, you and your other children.

Hugs and Prayers,

skella99

Thank you everyone. And yes, miamifella, your statement really hit home, I am asking my mom to be responsible in a way I am not: by letting her live here. I needed that.

I went to play soccer, came home and told her this is not working, she is obviously not committed to being sober and its time for her to move out. She immediately responds Ciairra got them an apartment. and then, can I give her a ride? Um No! (this is to another city)... then she asks why? and I tell her my reasons, which were work, my internship (I am working on my masters) and my extracurricular activities, not to mention, I need rest sometimes. but no, I will not take her. She can figure it out for herself.

It turned into a big blow up, her saying how she doesnt "feel comfortable" in this house with me and "my" little family (which would be her brothers and sister). and she was just hateful and mean. Her saying mean things like I dont care about her, that I love to call the police on her, that am making her want to go drink and that is all I ever look at her: like a drunk and that I dont see anything else in her.

I realize it really is too much to ask that she see that all of this is not true, that I wouldnt be here if I didnt care, so on and so forth. I think we all know how this is... SHE is the
one who doesnt have the capacity to understand.. but it sure hurts like hell anyway.

OH and then to top it all off, my mom must have picked her up and told her I wanted her to shut off the phone! So there's another slam at me and how horrible I am and how much I "hate" AD! I just cant believe that my mom would say that. Actually, I do believe it, but I feel so betrayed.

I am giving her 30 days. And she is out. I will start turning my phone off at night.

I know in my heart that I have done everything I can to help her and love her. and even now, these boundaries are not a rejection of HER, they are a rejection of her behavior.

alaskasunshine

No one chooses this life. Don't ever think for a minute that this is the life she wants for herself. No one wakes up one day and says, I think I want to be an addict when I grow up! If she is in fact an addict, she wants to quit as badly as you want her to quit, probably more. She just doesn't know how and even if she had the means, her pride will get in the way until she has been totally humiliated by her addiction and she has no pride left.
Its not as easy as just putting it down, walking away from it. It has to hurt, she has to lose the things that mean the most to her before she will want it bad enough to get help. Its the cruel fact of the disease of addiction that the pain has to outweigh the pleasure of the high by a long margin, a huge margin. It's like cancer, you kind of have to have the chemo to get better and chemo sucks. But it's part of it. Something you have to go through. Like my dad refusing to bail me out of jail after my s/o refused to bail me out. That was the single most painful thing I have experienced in my life (next to the death of my mom). And I can't tell you how many women I heard crying and crying in jail when their families refused to bail them out. That is real pain, right there, I don't care who you are.

For everyone's sanity, let her go. Cut off contact and let her hit her bottom. She can't hit it if you are there to pick her up. It will hurt, but a lot less than the pain you will go through if you let her drag you down with her. And she will, that's the sick part of the disease, we hurt the ones the closest to us the most. I thank GOD that my family got out of my way.

(((HUGS)))) I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am more sorry that she has to. And please don't ever give up hope, lots of us survive this thing and are reunited with our families. There can be a happy ending..but it HAS to run it's course.

dandylion

Dear Skella, please read the post that I just placed on your other thread (about the feds).

dandylion

Reedling

I don't disagree with the advice you are getting on how to handle your AD. Just wanted to point out that most can't really bootstrap themselves into a place of clarity and strength re taking all this action and setting all these limits any more than alcoholics and addicts can just quit.

It's a family disease and want it or not it has us in its teeth just because we are close to and caring for an addict or alcoholic.

Thank goodness for Alanon and ACoA (and Coda and the many other awesome programs)

LexieCat

While I agree that nobody chooses to be an addict, I disagree that addicts necessarily WANT to quit. Many do not--not for a long time, anyway. Some may vaguely wish that they weren't the way they are, but they will defend it as just part of "who they are." They will often avoid any treatments they are afraid just might work. They actively resist any notion that they can, or should, change.

Getting to the point of actually WANTING to change is only the first step in the process of being ready to.

redatlanta

You had an out and didn't take it - she says she has a new place to live and needed a ride. If ever there was anything you did getting her out of the house when she is willing to go should have been it. Now 30 more days on the roller coaster for everyone living there and that is "if' she decides to leave at the end of it. She doesn't have to go you know, she could force you to evict her.

Its a terrible situation I empathize strongly. I know you love her and only wish her to care enough about herself to straighten up. Alaskasunshine is correct - until you let her completely fall there is little hope she will.

LexieCat

red has a good point--why not take her to go live with her friend? Problem solved. She is out of the house, as you both want, you can communicate any conditions on her coming back or contacting you. Sounds like a win-win.

skella99

Giving her a ride requires that I drive her to an entirely different city, about 2 hours away. I work full time Mon through Friday. I am also a Masters student and working as an intern every Saturday through the end of April. On Sundays, my only day off, I play womens soccer. Not to mention all of the homework my studies require. It really is not a simple matter of "just giving her a ride."

She can still go, she can get a bus pass or another ride. Her concern is only that she wont be able to take all of her things, which are mostly clothes.

skella99

and while, yes I used a poor choice of words, "she chose this life," by that I meant that I have provided for her and given her the tools to get better. From December until the beginning of this month I was carting her to intense outpatient therapy 3 times a week after work and waiting for her for 3 hours a stretch, and taking her to a psych NP.

And this is what she asked for. Begged for when she was in phoenix and on the streets. She did good for a short stretch. but the entire time I was doing this to help her, she was still involved in social drinking.

So, while she may not have chose to be an alcoholic, she has chosen to reject the help I was financially and physically able to provide and have continued to offer to her.