Cerridwen

(posted on Newcomer's thread also)

I am partially disabled with epilepsy. I am very dependent on my husband for most things in my life. This is very isolating, both personally and as a couple. This leaves me in a difficult position, because I really need to confront my AH about his drinking, but I do not have the fall back ultimatum of quit or I will leave.

He has been a high functioning alcohol abuser for a long time, but I fear he is sliding deeper and deeper into actual alcoholism. Last week, on a work night he drank at least 9 servings of alcohol. It is not unusual for him to have 5-6 drinks a night. He is needing more and more alcohol, just to decompress from his day at work, let alone to feel "lit". When he drinks there are disturbing personality changes (anger mostly). When he is not drinking during the day, his cognition is declining and he is only 52.

I love the man he is when he has not had alcohol. I am becoming more and more traumatized by the stranger who takes over when the alcohol kicks in. I really need him to be healthy. What will happen to me if he dies or loses his marbles to this disease? I am really scared.

How do I confront him and let him know how much his drinking is affecting me when I feel I have no other options?

Thank you for listening and for any comments you care to make.

LexieCat

Hi,

Sorry you are dealing with all of this. There are a couple of things you need to face. One is that nothing you say--no "confrontation"--will make an alcoholic quit drinking before he is ready to quit. The other is the reality that this situation will become worse, not better, over time. Right now is the best he will ever be--and you have said he is starting to "decline".

People with disabilities can live independently--sometimes with help from other families, friends, or social services. You are right that he may well die from this disease or "lose his marbles." If I were you, I would try to get to some Al-Anon meetings to get some good support for dealing with this issue, and also start investigating ways in which you can live as independently as possible without him.

Cerridwen

Thank you Lexicat. I think as long as I remain silent, he may be able to have a firmer denial of his problem. I am trying to figure out how to discuss this with him without making things worse.

I know you make a valid point in trying to see myself as capable of taking care of myself. There is that codependency again. I think that may be the place for me to start, at least with my own issues. I see that many addicts are not living in a vacuum. As family and friends, we enable them, cover for them, make excuses for them, because we in turn are getting some need met, which is probably different for each of us.

I have soooooo much guilt about telling him to just go ahead and drink last month when he was trying to go a week without drinking and he was just awful to live with. I feel terrible for my part in that. He couldn't even go a week without unraveling with stress and have alcohol to help soothe him.

I am trying to understand this. Is that what withdrawal can look like?

LexieCat

Yes, withdrawal is EXTREMELY unpleasant, and also can be physically dangerous--it is possible to die from alcohol withdrawal. That's why medically supervised detox is always recommended.

Don't feel too guilty about what you said--if he were ready to get sober, he would have not let a comment like that derail him.

It's fine to have a discussion with him about your concern about his drinking. But if you've been complaining about it for years, I doubt that another conversation is going to make him do anything about it.

My guess is that you are, indeed, stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you can become stronger still by working on your own recovery--which will have benefits for you, whether he gets sober or not.

Cerridwen

Thank you for pointing out the danger of self detox. I have spoken to a counselor at a local rehab facility, who told me the first step would be to have hubby go in for a free assessment. That would be more concrete evidence from an impartial resource. And they can help manage the withdrawal medically. I think getting him to agree to that would be a challenge.

My AH was doing a back-up on my office computer this past weekend, and I am wondering if he checked out my web browser history to see Sober Recovery there. He only has had two drinks a night for the past two nights. This sudden moderation is very curious. I know better than to think things can magically change over night. I have been through enough of a roller coaster with this over the years to know I should just take a wait and see attitude, though maybe this is the better time to bring it up?

I also had a seizure last night, and that is often a bit of a wake up call to him, at least for a while.

Blessings and thank you for your wisdom.